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1565702 tn?1295292830

Young Lawyer can't quit

The stress from my job is killing me, but I can't quit smoking no matter how hard I try....  

I've been smoking since I was twelve, smoking regularly throughout high school, smoking even more college and law school; and kept on smoking during my two years working as a law clerk for the county courthouse, almost two packs a day for the past ten years --- and I just dont know how to quit. My new job as a entry level associate has me so stressed out Im smoking more than ever, but its getting me into trouble at work because Im always needing to take smoke breaks at the office, usually two or three in the morning, another for lunch, and at least another two or three more smoke breaks every the afternoon.

My new boss even recently complained that I always smell overpoweringly like stale cigarettes!!  Even though I wear alot of perfume and chew alot of Nicorette Mint gum, its still not enough!  Im afraid Chantix would make my anxiety attacks even worse and terrified of the thought of not being able to smoke again. I know thats just the addiction talking, but I dont know what else to do.
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Avatar universal
You shouldn't be depressed or upset at all about being a heavy smoker, Stephanie.  If four or five packs is what you need every day, then smoke what you need and don't feel guilty or ashamed.  Since you can't quit, just focus on the pleasurable aspects of smoking and try to block out the negative ones.  I know it can't be easy with wheezing and a bad cough, but when they happen, just focus on your enjoyment of the cigarettes.  Just light up and inhale as often and as deeply as your body needs you to.  I think it's a good thing that you can smoke all day at work too without anyone bothering you and you don't have to walk outside all day.
Do be careful with the alcohol and amphetamines, however.  Just take one day at a time and do the best you can each day, and don't be ashamed of who you are.  It's all anyone can do.  If cigarettes make you happy, then that's all that matters.  You're going to be a real catch for a very lucky man.
Helpful - 1
Avatar universal
Having a near death experience (car accident in 2016) helped me quit.

I used to hate my job and hate my circumstances but coming close to loosing it all made me think about how much I really do enjoy being alive, and I found a renewed sense of self in that.

Cigarettes were just my way of slowly killing myself while never going through with anything sudden, but after that accident I found cigarettes disgusting again.
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Avatar universal
Stephanie.   Thank you coming back to the board.  Hoe are you doing in 2022?
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1565702 tn?1295292830
Hi Jade59,  depoolation24, Jinx_777, travistt, and everyone else - SORRY I hadnt checked back on this thread in forever - like, holy crap , was it 7 years?!  

Anyways so Im still smoking... YES, I know I know.  Its super bad. I cough constantly. Im still smoking about 4 packs a day now.  Its been really awful and Ive been really sick..

Covid-19 lockdown quarantine made my chainsmoking so much worse really. I have transitioned completely to working from a home office as a contract lawyer for one of those bilboard lawyers like a little over three years ago, so I was already working at my tiny apartment even before covid hit - and yeah working from home so it let me smoke more what part of the perk -ok it was a huge part of it - because Id say I was trying to quit in whatever 2011 making bad decisions, kept smoking , cycle repeats again in 2012 and 2013, make bad decisions continue to be addicted etc

I guess in 2014 and 2015 I was trying to get in shape and started doing zumbia then tried cross fit and oh my god I was wheezing and just dying practically so I had to give it up

2016 I had also tried cutting back on drinking as much after a series of very serious blackout drunk incidents, including some in 2013 on a work trip out of town and then another embarassing one in 2015 - the harder I tried to quit drinking so much, the worse my smoking addiction got until it was totally out of hand

So by fall of 2016 I had started looking for work where I could work from my home and had talked with another lawyer friend of mine who had gone to work for one of those big billboard attorneys who has like hundreds of billboards and basically runs like a chop shop of underling lawyers who work the cases up and maek appearances - the money isnt great, its only a little better than being a public school teacher I think , but I get to work from home most days, except for very occasional depositions or court appearances - it was SO NICE to get to smoke at my house as much as I wanted

Since 2017 Ive practically become a hermit living alone, and in 2018 I started having some serious side effects from smoking. I got reynauds disease, finger tips and toes are constantly freezing (of course the fact that I literally never wear socks  or gloves probably doesnt help that) and I started having high blood pressure issues

But everything has been so awful with Covid and quarantine lately has just gotten awful

I hack phlegm constantly and its very gross

I can barely keep a mask on for any period of time without gasping for air. Its pretty pathetic really - so I have trouble wearing masks, and of course, smoking is really hard with a mask too.

But yeah. Im still constantly chain smoking. Still cant quit . I want to say I basically gave up hope of ever being able to quit like 5-6 years ago so maybe I was just too ashamed to post anything and admit that

Anyways Im sorry I had kinda dropped off the planet here for on this threat the last several years. My bad. Hope everyone else is doing ok!

Helpful - 0
1 Comments
Couldn't help but notice this thread and wanted to post a comment Stephanie.  I agree with desolation24.  There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with a nicotine addiction especially in this day and time.  I work in the medical field and your health effects can be minimized if you put them into perspective.  There's nothing wrong with a constant cough, it's knowing HOW to cough.  If your cough is deep and productive that's a good thing.  If it isn't it's not.  Just obey your cravings and stay calm.  When you light up, inhale as deep as you can, hold for 3-5 seconds, and then exhale slowly.  Your body and lungs will stay satisfied and you might even cut back a little.  Treat each cigarette as a treat and don't rush through them and inhale shallowly.  You'll smoke more than you actually need if you don't.  If you need to cough, just cough deeply and naturally and spit out the phlegm each time.  Stop beating yourself up and accept yourself for yourself.  I hope this helps.
Avatar universal
Stephanie,

Thank you for your post.  Can we video-chat on skype?  I have a huge smoking fetish and can be completely accepting of who you are.  I also like that you write really well, as do I.  I have been searching for another heavy-smoking, beautiful woman like you for a while now.  I am a California-based lawyer and my ex-girlfriend smoked about as much as you and coughed as regularly as well.

Dan
dan1-california (skype handle)


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242912 tn?1660619837
Please check in, Stephanie.  We care about you.  
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Avatar universal
Hope you are doing okay, dear.  You haven't posted in a while.
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Avatar universal
Jinx, did you smoke more heavily when you were younger?
You said you have two confirmed and 2 suspected smoking related diseases, what are they?
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8976007 tn?1413330650
i think i have a little blood in my nicotine stream.  :)
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8976007 tn?1413330650
my parents encouraged us to smoke.  they thought it was cute.  then they figured out that it was a way to get us to do things for them.  they were full aware of the addiction, but i was not.  the old 'i will give you a cigarette if you vacuum the house'.  we also had to go to the store and buy them for them.  with a note the first few times, then no longer needed a note. then we  were free to buy them ourselves.  would forego lunch at school to buy them.  my brother changed to chewing at about 16 and still does to this day.  my sister smoked, but quit in their 20's.  
i smoke a pack or a little less than that a day.  desperately want to quit. i have tried the patch, chantix, etc with no success and i think with me, cold turkey is the only way
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Avatar universal
Good luck jinx, it's an addictive habit, we know. It's either give up, or give in. And it's so easy to give in to nicotine, I certainly know I like the addiction to it. Silly ain't it.
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Avatar universal
Hi Stephanie,

I know how u feel. I tried amphetamine and for some reason it makes u smoke non stop. I got addicted to smoking badly and was nearly going mad not being able to smoke at work and places people frowned upon u. I couldn't stop smoking no matter what.

I tried Nicorette ice mint gum and it helped me manage my smoking, but I continued to smoke and still smoke when using my nicorettes. I prefer ice mint lozenges now and I never thought I'd get addicted but I am addicted to Nicorette and whilst I still smoke, I did cut back thanks to Nicorette. It's a double whammy addiction, but its better than that uncontrollable urge to chain smoke cigarettes. Good luck!
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Jinx, how heavily do you smoke now?
did your paretns ask.encourage you ot light their cigaret,es or did you just doit on your own?
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8976007 tn?1413330650
i could smoke in front of my parents.  never had to hide.  
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8976007 tn?1413330650
yes, i did.  actually around 4 yrs old i would light my parents cigs and fooled around with them, but by the age of 5, i had my own pack.  cannot remember how long they lasted, but do know i never went without them.  
i was way too young to  even know they were dangerous, let alone even know what addiction was.  
kids always look forward to birthday milestones.  for me it was 'i will quit when i am 13' 'i will quit when i am 16' and kept going for 18 and 21.  never did quit.  :(
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Jinx, did you say you, yourself, started smoking at 5 years old?
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8976007 tn?1413330650
there will never be giant leaps in the field of lung disease.  $23,000 is the average amount of money spent on breast cancer per patient for research.  $1300 is spent on lung cancer per patient.  it is considered a 'smoker's disease'.  in other words,,,,, preventable.  so, i do not see anything changing in the future to help with this.  
i highly suggest just looking on whyquit *******.  there are pictures of people at the top of the site.  click on deborah age 38 and READ HER STORY.  her own words as she is dying from SMOKING.  
i too am fighting hard to stop.  your  pessimistic attitude will get you nowhere.  'I can't' needs to be taken out of your vocabulary and replaced with 'i don't want to' or 'i can'.  it is HARD.
i have been smoking since i was 5 yrs old.  i have at least 2 (they are finding 2 more, but not officially diagnosed and do not know if i even want to know) incurable diseases from smoking.  NEVER in my life have i defended smoking like you do.  you are in love with it.  
read deborah's story and then see if you want to keep smoking.  i wish you the best and maybe you should try hypnosis or something else.
http://whyquit.com/whyquit/A_Deborah.html
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Totally agree with Sergey92 when he says "Maybe after 15 or 20 years with giant step in medicine, you will be able to recovery your lungs. Therefore, it makes sense to see to this." For all you know, your lungs might not be all that bad. If you can preserve what ever lung function you have, you can lead a long and enjoyable life.

Dont say you dont have it in you. If I were you I would go on a 20 day leave and then decide whether its possible or not.

People, when in depression think their problem is some how unique that no body in the world has faced and so nobody understands. So I dont think you will take anybody's suggestion seriously unless you start doing thinks you like. Im not saying yours is an easy position ; but many people had been there who were later successful in finding joy in their lives.
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Avatar universal
Apparently you like cigarettes (and liquor) the most. What are second and third things you like in your life? Trying to do these things more often is a more positive way approach than trying to cut down on cigarettes. A 30 min swimming or jogging per day can do changes in your life that you right now think is impossible.
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5800796 tn?1375216317
Your messages is really sad, Stephanie. You understand that smoking is going kill you, but not doing anything with this. And this is the main problem - you have never tried to quit. Your “attempts” in past about which you wrote two years ago its just a funny. And now, when your health growing worse you begin to smoke even more. You almost killed yourself and you want to finish it faster? It's a really unbelievable. I thought that every person have a self-preservation, and in the critical situation starts to doing all only for survive, but probably in your case it's not so. At the same time, you have dating with guys, drive to work every day and it seems that you want to continue life in anyway. It is not hopelessness for you, while your health allow to live full life(almost). But as you know, it may come to an end. I agree with @desolation24, what you need to found right person which will show you the “right way” and by that to safe you.
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Avatar universal
Stephanie, if you are happy, smoke as much as you want.  I am sure you will one day find someone that can accept your heavy smoking, I know I would.  
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1565702 tn?1295292830
desolation24, I want to believe you so badly. Really I do. I want to have people who accept me for who I am, nicotine addiction or not, who doesn't mind that I enjoy smoking, and want to keep smoking, and really need to keep smoking one cigarette after the other just to make it through the day.

And you are so right that my past attempts to focus on cutting back number of cigarettes have always totaly backfired. I just get so OCD about it, I start counting everything and it gets awful. I tried limiting to 60, but then when that failed and I gave up, I was back up to 75 cigs a day, and lying to myself saying it wasnt "really" 80. Except when it really was, which was like almost every day after a while. Four packs a day is just plain stupid, but its how much I honest-to-god smoke every single day. Just admitting that online just about makes me want to cry. But to admit it while looking at my next pack of cigarettes in my purse that I want to go smoke them right this very instant. The only people I know my age who smoke anywhere near as much as me are people who either smoked meth, do coke, or otherwise take too many stimulants and amphetamines, like me, so that they are constantly wanting and needing to smoke more. But stimulants or not, I just don't see myself ever being able to get back to below four packs a day. I think I actually need to smoke that much just to keep myself from going off the deep end.

So, Im so torn when I obsess about cutting my numbers because when I don't, I get stupid and end up smoking even more. Oh god, its so wicked and awful, but Ive actually smoked five packs a day before. Not just once either. Not just that one time during the summer. Like more than that. Like, two or sometimes three days a week. I think my body thinks it always needs more and more nicotine. Like endlessly. Who the hell else smokes five packs a day except a girl hopelessly hopped up on amphatamines again to help with add, just like back in middle school and high school and college and law school. No wonder I started chain smoking as a middle schooler and it only got worse in high school and college and later. But I cant stop myself. Either I obsess about the numbers, then it backfires, and I end up smoking more and more; or I try to ignore the number of cigarettes Im smoking, and I just consume even more. Either way, Im trapped in a cycle of needing more cigarettes, wanting more cigarettes, obsessing about more cigarettes, and thinking about more cigarettes almost all day long.

Anytime I dont have a cigarette in my mouth, I want to have one there. Anytime I dont have a cigarette in my hand, I want to have one there.
Anytime I dont have cigarette smoke around me, I want to have it.
Anytime I cant taste my last cigarette still on my lips, I want another.

Its like somehow my hopeless obsession with needing to smoke more cigarettes has only gotten worse and worse these past few years, and I can barely take it.

So Im afraid that you are right. I really just have to find someone, one of these days, who is alright with the fact that I am destroying my health with smoking and cannot stop no matter what. Same with my drinking. But thats a rare bird indeed.

Sergey92, I know youa re right. I really do. I know that my blood pressure is terrible, and Im sorry to hear yours is too. It scares me to know that I might drop dead at any moment, but I guess I have no choice but to accept it. My lungs are ruined, and I cannot stop ruining them no matter how hard I try. I always need more cigarettes. I always think about wanting more cigarettes. Even when it hurts my chest to breathe, I cannot stop myself from wanting and needing more cigarettes. Even when my cough goes from bad to worse, I cannot stop myself from needing more cigarettes.

This is what I get for changing jobs to an office where Im technically an independent contractor, being leased my own office space in a small residential sized building with no other tenants and a landlord straight outta the seventies who doesn't care if I smoke non-stop in my tiny office. Better still, I don't have a creepy boss who is always asking me why I never wear pantyhose with my high heels while he stares at my legs and licks his lips. It didnt happen every day, even though I have literally never wear hose, but it happened enough to bother me. But, flip side was that he never busted me for constant smoke breaks. In fact, he let alot slide for me so that my needing to step out ever fifteen to twenty minutes for another cigarette never effected my performance review, and I suppose that came at a price of feeling his eyeballs looking me up and down everytime I walked by, but now thats gone. Now, nobody cares is I wear socks or hose or pants or skirts. Nobody cares whether Im showing pantylines or whether Im even wearing any at all, because I work alone now, and I love the solitude. Literally No one else is around, and hardly anyone comes by, so now I have finally been let loose to smoke as much as I want in my own office.

Smoking all day long at work has been both wonderful and terrible. My cigarette consumption has continued to sky rocket, and that makes me scared. Im about in tears as I say this, but I just lit another cigarette at my desk, so I'll tell the truth: I smoked 95 cigarettes yesterday, over half of them at the office.  I smoked 92 the day before, and 93 the day before. Its not "technically" a "full" five packs a day, but its damn close. Real damn close.

But thats what happens when you let a lonely, depressed, alcoholic, pill popping chainsmoker have an office by herself in a small building by herself where no body ever comes by. Shes smokes herself to death.

My cough has a rattle now that frightens me. I dont know if its me getting sick or what. When my new office landlord heard it a few weeks ago he told me I might want to get that checked out, because it sounded just like what his second wife's cough sounded like before she got lung cancer.

He said that she was only 46 years old when she died from lung cancer, many years ago and that she only smoked about two and a half packs a day back then. Sad really. He isn't a smoker, but he said both of his adult daughters are smokers, just like their mother was, so he can't complain about me smoking in his building, but that he wanted to warn me personally about lung cancer.

So yeah, I know whats coming for me. For all I know, it may already have me, I don't know. I know my smoking is going to kill me, painfully, but I really cannot stop. I mean, I suppose I could say that I know smoking is going to kill me, but I really just dont want to stop, but that doesnt seem right. Its not that I dont want to stop, its that I know that I cannot stop. I know that I can never beat this addiction, no matter how much I might want to, so I have to learn to accept my inevitable fate. Surely others here have had to come to grips with that themselves.

But thats where I find myself. Behind another cloud of smoke, coughing, wheezing, feeling like an ashtray, and being resigned to my inevitable fate. This must be what bleak hopelessness looks like.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
You aren't pathetic at all, Stephanie.  You shouldn't have to restrain yourself from smoking around anyone at all.  It's their loss if they can't accept you for who you are.  If someone can't accept your nicotine addiction, then you don't need them anyway.  You just haven't found the right person yet.  If you still enjoy smoking, just smoke what you need and focus on the enjoyment you get from smoking instead of the negative aspects.  It seems like trying to limit yourself to a certain amount of cigarettes has backfired in the past, so just listen to your body.  No one person can tell you or force you to quit, only you can do that, and if that time ever comes you'll know when it is.
Do be careful with the alcohol.  Heavy use every day will only lead to more problems, make your nicotine cravings worse, and make any existing health problems worse as well.  It definitely does not help in any way, shape, or form.  It may take your problems away for one evening, but they're right back the next day with a hangover to go with them.
Helpful - 0
5800796 tn?1375216317
If your doctor was shocked about your 160/90, he just don't know about me. In 19 years old i had 190/90 and nobody was shocked. Fortunately now i have almost normal BP, but who knows what will be next.

So, your blood pressure is high, your lungs are damaged and to go from bad to worse, you drink alcohol every day- All this together is sad because, probably you NOT have time to wait the next year. You have high probability what your life could be end at any time. And i don’t want to scare you or something like, but its a true, it's a sad true. in my last message i  was pretty “liberal” and told that you can still smoking if you want and if your health allow to you, but after your last message, similar words is impossible.
You have not much time to quit and i think you understand it. All of your words about “i know i can’t ever stop smoking” is rubbish, because many people in history of the world successfully quit smoking. You should go to another doctor who can help to you quit. And you should do it now.

Or you don’t want? Listen, You are 31 y.o, you can life at least 50 years and you really don’t want to see in our world in 2063 year? Maybe after 15 or 20 years with giant step in medicine, you will be able to recovery your lungs. Therefore, it makes sense to see to this. Hope you have people who care about you, because they can guide to you on right way.
Helpful - 0
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