For days I have reminded myself of the scriptural passage "blown about by every wind". These times of feeling so very low, then spiritually re-born, then bereft... How can I feel so desperately lost one moment then oriented for a period then cast adrift and lost again. Like searching and finding and losing my way, over and over again.
For 26 years I have known without room for doubt that God loves me, always has always will... that I am safe in His care. And yet, so alone.
It's not a matter of not having a clean heart (as much as anyone can, I guess), or a clean life (I'm squeaky clean, I think, if I have a bad habit it's negative thoughts), or even works (I go out of my way to help where I can, care for those who are in any way depending on me, etc.).
When I try to go to church I am overcome by the agendas of the various churches I've tried... They're either utterly focused on money or on activism. I haven't been able to find a church where they seem to have room for people who just need reassurance (where is my "blessed assurance?"), to worship, and to praise God. My life is so stress-filled, I have nothing left to give but it seems that churches are very much for always posturing in the community... always trying to grow at my expense (one way or another) and no matter how much I give it's never enough.
I was thinking recently of the story of Ananias and Sapphira... and it seems to me that when a church asks more than the congregation is willing to give the congregation dies. Am I the only one who thinks that where the love of God is believers will follow? And even where the love of God is preached (it was evangelists from a small, independent church who lead me to KNOW God) there can be such judgement and partiality... and greed.
What's a struggling believer who is totally burned out in every way to do?