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662085 tn?1331349160

born broken

I was born dying. But i live thanks to so many forces. I have love in my heart but my heart it hurts with regret and shame. Pain of things that i cant let go, things that have yet to come, and the things in the moment. I am broken or atleast it feels that way my past self would not understand what i have become. I feel alone so much. I was always told i lived for a reason but what reason is that. Someone once told me i should love my neighbor like i love god. Keep them near let them in but always fear that they may send a wrath on you. What sad truth there is in this. What sad sad truth. the world is thy neighbor not just the house next to you.


Every religion says it has the answer, ever one says its the truth but is that even true? Are they all truth or are they all lies. People kill each other over religion and yet they think themselves good people following the way of "god". You would say those be the crazies but there are so many of them. I once read a book that said " mankind once spoke one language and lived together until man took the life another and learned of the joy of sin. On that day mankind was punished with a thousand tonges, and since then man has never agreed with themself." -dont remember name

Do you believe what you believe because it was thaght to you? IF so when you believe in something different if you would have grown up some were else. O yes love they neighbor but only if they follow the teching you were thought. Only love those who society tells you is okay only love those who look and act the "proper way"  and never love anyone outside of this.      

If kindness and love is the answer why do we obess with power and vengence.

define justice for me?
Justice is just another word for make me feel better.

We refuse to forgive some for the monsters crimes they comment but dont hold those standerd  for everyone.  When your soldiers of your nation or of mine do horrid things its okay because its for the greater good but then  what about those we deem monsters. In there eyes it was also for the greater good. and lets not pretend weve been doing these things since it all started and we will keep doing them.  God have mercy on us for we kill our brothers and your children but claim it to be in a good name.


all this and i worry to no end i know these things but i just feed the same monster why because i dont know how to stop out or maybe im scared.
  
18 Responses
662085 tn?1331349160
I'm sorry for posting this i dont really feel good mentally right now i have ten billion worries and im scared sad and alone.

thus i am broken. I dont know where i was going with this it just became a big rant and this is why i dont post anymore this is all i feel.
Avatar universal
I suffer from a major depressive disorder and feel alot like you do at times.  Do you read much?  Look into Deepak Chopra.  He explains the world on a metaphysical level, but breaks it down for people like you and I to understand.  His beliefs are based on the Buddahist beliefs, but well worth the reading.

Reading him has shined a new light for me.  I thought I was a hopeless cause.  Not that he has all of the answers, but he's helped me look at what I thought was problems and I no longer see them that way.  Ive learned to look at things a bit differently and it's been a big help.

I feel for ya man.  I've been there, and for a long time too.  Are you seeing any medical professionals for your issues?
Avatar universal
I sent you a PM Cloud.
662085 tn?1331349160
medical means money and i dont have any. I think i saw something about meditation by him once....i think
Avatar universal
I appreciate your honesty here.  I look at the "dark" side and often feel so torn/broken by what I see as my futility to change anything....helpless, but not hopeless.....weak but not without choice.

I think the creative side is open to see in a deep way that changes us inside and something will come forth in time.

You are not alone, yet you are as you and I and others must live the lives we have been give.  Some of us clutch whatever we can grab to substain us but it never lasts if it is not at the core of our beings in value/worth and faith in some One more than us.

It takes courage to face ourselves and speak what truth we know as well as what is around us.

Thank you!!!!
662085 tn?1331349160
thank-you dazon

Perhaps the lonly feeling even when around other people is due to the fact we are never our full selves for what ever reason. So we are filled with an unsatisfing feeling because we only choose to share a piece of ourself with certain people. Perhaps thats why being with someone is so helpfull to mental state (more for men then women so when your man tells you you need him....he needs you alot more)
Avatar universal
I hear over and over again about how others cannot make you happy.  The happiness must come from within and one's grounding which for many of us means a connection to God.

It is human to reach out to others but we are imperfect and subject to misunderstandings, etc.  Being able to share freely and safely our concerns is important when we can be ourselves.  For me to become real means seeking to live by my values/truth but being "realistic" in the process of what my expectations are of myself and others.

On a personal level, I have noticed that various people bring out various differences in myself....all are part but not all.  Some conversations challenge me to think differently, some affirm where I am and what I am currently thinking about.  My hope is that on their end, they are learning and growing also so it isn't "Narcissistic".
1432897 tn?1322963137
Hi cloud,

I spent much of my life depressed.  It wasn't until a few years ago that things started to change for me.  I learned that I was the biggest reason for the way I think.  I would get angry because I was depressed, and that would only depress me more.  I call that the snowball effect.  I met a person who is now a close friend.  I can and have shared many things with him.  He himself went through tough times and shared with me how he got through it.  It has taken some time and plenty of work.  The main goal is to change the way I think.  

I don't like taking meds but I do take supplements like vitamins, flaxseed, fishoil sometimes st johns wort to help me physically with mood support.  These do not cure my thinking but they do help. I also try to eat right and exercise regularly.  The other things I do is be open minded, let go of old ideas that keep me stuck.

I also began to pray.  At first I would pray for things to change, however that didn't seem to work so well.  Then my friend suggested I pray for acceptance.  Then each day work on accepting things rather than wish they be different.  I also learned to not question God's will.  I often tell myself God's will is for accepting not questioning.  I don't generally concern myself with questions of why we regard murder and war differently.  I just try to accept that that is the way things are.

Another trick that helped was learning to be grateful for things like my bad back, or depression or having to deal with insane people( I work in retail).  That may seem crazy but isn't it better to be grateful than depressed.  Remember I used to cause more depression by being depressed cuz I was depressed.  Being grateful, even if it is just a little bit can stop the cycle.

I work on not worrying about things I have no control over. (When the worry is gone there is more room for serenity).  I don't always understand how people can act the way they do.  This may seem selfish but I try to focus on me and what it is that I need to work on to be happy today.  When I am spiritually fit I am better able to help others.  When I smile and say hello to other people most of the time they smile back.

Changing the way we think needs time and effort.  It also requires honesty and a willing ness to see and change the behaviors(thought patterns) that make us mentally ill.

My wife is very different from me and it is these differences that have forced me to grow as a person.  My initial reaction to differences is anger.  Today I am better able to meet these differences with love and tolerance.  Feel better and God Bless!!!
139792 tn?1498589250
I liked what your of narrating your attitude towards your life experiences. If a depressed person reads your posting, I am sure he will get encouragement and will dare to try to improve himself with additional zest.
I am 80.My wife expired 5 years back. My son and daughter in law stay with me. I retired in 1991 from a pharmaceutical company after working for them for 37 yrs and for 10 years associated with the same comapny as a consultant.
I spend my time in yoga,and meditation, surfing and reading. I had to fight inferiority complex during my career as a salesman of pharmaceutica products. To fight this comples,  I had to delve into many modalities of holistic treatment.
I am glad to read your above message.I have some ager-related issues like, deafness, Deem vision(read with magnifying glass), sensation of tightness of feet, and IBS and insomnia. I keep myself busy in exploring new ideas and mehtods. Internet is a great help in passing time and do some experiments.I hope everything is well with you.Bye...
1394601 tn?1328035908
You have some deep thoughts for a young man of twenty!  I am proud of you for the thinkings and ponderings that few do at such a young age!!!  I love your understanding that we are born to die yet there is more!  In between we LIVE and what joy can be found if only..only..we could teach ourselves to stay right here in the moment.  The moment is so beautiful.  Do me a favor?  Wear a rubberband on your wrist for a week.  Each time you begin to wonder into yesterday or dabble into tomorrow...snap the band.  Come back and tell me how red your wrist has become....It is a matter of mind training to find the right here and now.  I would love a report after a week should you decide to favor my request.
662085 tn?1331349160
Thank-you for all your comment and spport i meant to reply more and better but i was unsure what to say and then i got sick
662085 tn?1331349160
I'll try that but i fear my wrist will be bruised by the time a week is up
Avatar universal
I too felt  as if I were born broken.
I remember lying awake in bed in the wee hours of the morning, sick with worry because I was powerless to stop war or feed starving children - no one would have heard, or even listened to my little voice. I was eight years old.
That little girl would understand the things I've been though, and the person I've become. And I think that makes me more sad.

I have always looked for things to be grateful for - the things worth holding on to - because if there is nothing, why do we suffer though all this? If I was born broken, then I am here to find a way to repair the damage. Even if you get a little chipped in the process...
I had an Existential discussion with a friend once about what comes after this life. I told them that *if* there is nothing afterwards, it was even more important to DO good, because it meant we did good out of our own free will, and not out of the fear of consequence. Thus those actions carried more significance in themselves during their execution. And so we find meaning out of meaninglessness.

After a spiritual awakening two years ago, I vowed to myself to be *fully open* in my relationships. I told myself "the worse thing that can happen is that I'll get hurt, and then I'll get over it." I'm glad I made it a promise, because life threw me the biggest curve-ball - even as a writer I couldn't have dreampt it up. It opened up a big old wound, but I'm trying to embrace it as an opportunity to heal properly this time. And I have no more fear. It means I've also been able to be more open in my other personal relationships, and that has been wonderful (although also somewhat painful), to have that with my parents.
Sorry, I kinda feel like I went a bit off topic there...  Point being about living with one's self. It's still the hardest. Even more so when you are really being honest with yourself. I understand how thoughts contribute to the cycle of mental illness - but there is so much clutter in there! It's hard to sort out the "sick" parts. I really just want to read, work on creative projects or crafts, or write, but I just can't seem to at the moment. Those activities bring me serenity, but all the worries drain me before I can get to them.
So I'm  left with hating myself still, even though I know better. And posting in community forums is the closet I get to any real writing these days.
I'm sorry I just responded to your rant with another rant. I had something more eloquent in mind originally. What you said brought to mind many things I have previously written.

And I wanted to thank you for the welcome note to this community, I just didn't know how to respond to it. I hope things are getting brighter for you.

Love&Light
1462810 tn?1327364049
I've often! felt about the same way.  It gets like a broken record.  It will destroy your entire capacity for joy.  

When I can't find love anywhere it generally coincides with thinking that being loved by God is not enough.  When I meditate on His love often other kinds of love that I was overlooking become visible to me.  I suppose that sounds... I don't know... corny?  But it's hard for me to argue with something I've experienced so many times and with such satisfying results.

When I forget how much God loves me everything just seems to turn to dust in my mouth.  I love the word "balm".  My understanding of balm is something that soothes without negative side effects.  

For most of my life I accepted the easy way and took the doctors' head pills.  They make it seem like things don't hurt so much, but they don't make things actually better.  I now know, to my profound regret, that my money would have been better spent (by far) on yoga classes than on psychotherapy and pills.  

Explore the subject online of herbs for mental health.  Dried herbs in bulk can be found inexpensively online (they cost a fortune in a health food store).  Try to buy direct from an herb farm.  Start with one, directed at the feeling that bothers you most.  If it works add another for your next worst feeling, and so on until you've found what feels good.  Make a quart of tea in the morning and drink it up each day.  It's the cheapest peace of mind therapy I know  (other than meditative practices, but meditation is very hard to come by when you're upset, agitated, anxious, or lonely - and the tea may make it easier to attempt meditating).  

Cheapest and easiest... ask God to show you that He really does love you.  Just talk out loud as though He is in the room with you.

I have yet to ask God to show me the truth of something that it has not happened.

By the way, my definition of justice is balance.
1462810 tn?1327364049
There's that word coincidence again... I posted my question from my phone and it's easy to push buttons I don't mean to on this touch screen.  When I looked back at the screen this post had appeared.

I will now go make some tea, find a rubber band, ask God to show me He loves me (no, wait, I guess He just did), look up Deepak Chopra, then come back to check what I skipped!  :)  

Hey, people, go look at Cloudwindgate's artwork... Terrific!
Avatar universal
:-)  thanks for sharing
662085 tn?1331349160
Thank-you so much ill respond to you in a PM
Avatar universal
Hey,
I've actually done training as a family herbalist. So if any of you have any questions or want some ideas on where to start, just ask!! I also know about possible drug interactions - it is important to know what you're mixing. Good example here for the ladies - st. john's wort lowers the effectiveness of the pill!!
Although I am on medical leave at the moment, the company I work for supplies herbs and tinctures. www.**********.com. Tell them you're a friend of Taeghan's - they might cover the shipping cost for you :)
Inner Peace tea is one of my favorites!!
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