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Avatar universal

Accepting a stepson

My hubby and I have been married now for about 7 years. And he has a son from a previous marriage. At first, both had joing custody and it was ok at first. I had no problems with his son at all. Then after 1 year of marriage, hubby wanted to fight for custody while I was pregnant w/ supposedly our "first" child. It was a battle, as his exwife would call yelling and screaming, then to coming over our house using profanity. He really didn't involve me in the custody battle and by the time it was over he had custody. I had no part in it. Now we have 3 children together and I really don't want him here anymore. I know what everyone is going to say that I'm mean and I cannot believe that she's not accepting his son. It's probably selfish on my part, I know. I have been battling this in my head for quite sometime now ... about 3 years. I just want my family. I was happy with the way things were. He doesn't want to stay with us, his mom wants him to stay with her, and I'm fine with that. He hardly spends time with him anyways. I feel (I know it's another child and it's not his fault), but I feel like a babysitter taking care of him w/o hubby. He got mad the other day when I told him that maybe his son should stay w/his mom. Am I wrong?? I just cant help feeling this way at all. I will be ok once in awhile with him, but not full time.
5 Responses
535822 tn?1443976780
It is a shame that you couldnt work things out, however if he wants to go to his Mom and his Mom wants him ,and you dont whats to argue about, his Dad will still be able to see him, so I agree with you, its the boys life   thats what is important so ask your husband to put his son's feelings before his own.
957185 tn?1250540128
I agree with margypops,it is a shame.But, it really is not your fault. Ultimately im sure your husband will get mad, However it seems like he dragged you into something you werent wanting by fighting for custody. once you get married it is a matter of talking to one another about big decisions , or any decisions.
Plus, If his son doesnt want to be there and he wants to live with his mom, he is going to begin to resent you for holding him there when he wants to be somewhere else. more and more im sure as he gets older.
I hope things work out for you and your family, this is a difficult matter.
-Lola-
Avatar universal
why can't you accept him? when you marry a  man with children not only do you get said man but also his kids. i had a step mother like you. needless to say my father divorced her. she was an awful woman who didn't want me involved with "their" family. i was the outsider. i'm sure this is how your stepson is now feeling.

i feel bad for him.
Avatar universal
First let me say that step-parenting is harder in many ways then bio-parenting because there is something to be said for blood connection. This is not to say that you cannot bond with a non-bio child as much as a bio child. I am a step mom myself. I was widowed and had three boys, married a wonderful man with two boys and we had a daughter together. I too struggle with the issue of connecting with his boys. For many years I kept comparing my connection with my own children. It wasn't until I realized that my relationship with them would ALWAYS be different,but that we could develop a deep relationship as I had with my own, but that it would take time. I heard once that many people think that belnding a family is like a microwave...throw it all in and cook it up real quick. This is a fallicy and harmful to your marriage and the "step" relationships. I look at it now like a crock-pot. Put all the ingredients together carefully, simmer over time for a more "delicious" outcome.  Accept that your relationship with your step-son IS different...not wrong, just different. Take intentional time alone with him, doing things that he is passionate about so you can observe him and start to appreciate his strengths. Involve him as the older sibling of your bio kids and foster a bond between them. Try to empathize with the struggle of being a kid from a broken home and feeling the pull back and forth. Take the pressure off yourself a bit, this is HARD. And lastly, put your marriage on high priority. The best thing we can do as mothers is do our part to foster healthy marriages. We made a choice to marry men with children, it wasn't the childrens choice. To fully respect and love our husbands we have to fully accept their children. This is a hard road. It sounds like you have a very tender heart and that family is very important to you. The healthiest thing for all involved is to be patient, be open and honest with your husband in a peaceful way. Work together to come up with solutions for your home. These are obviously only my humble opinions. Maybe you have already done this and more to work  on this situation, but I encourage you to continue. Parenting years will be over before you know it and you will never regret caring and loving a child into adulthood. I hope that all works out well and thanks for listening to all my thoughts.
Avatar universal
Girl, I feel your pain!!!  I too have a step-son (9 years old) that i have known since he was three.  He is an awkward child and has developed multiple problems over the past 2 years. I have been the one spearheading the search for psychological help for HIS son....mom is a bipolar wreck and is very destructive in word and deed. Three years ago she had been moving repeatedly and became very unstable, I suggested that my husband and I take temporary custody until she got her life together.  Well, she did, it ook about a year but she stabilized.  The entire time he was with us was miserable.  He was unhappy with us even though we all tried to make him feel a part of our family, meaning we are all one family.  I have 3 children from a previous marriage and they all tried and still try to bond with this boy but he wont have it.  I believe he has emotional problems(which is another issue entirely).  Long story short whrn it came time for him to go back to his mother, my husband was angry with me.  He said i was trying to get rid of his son. I reminded him that we agredd to this arrangement but he holds this against me. Alas, he went back to his mother.  Thank God!!!  I feel for this boy but he is destructive and did not want to be in our home. He flatly said he did ot like me and wanted his mom and dad to be togehter.  We have been married for 3 years and together for 5.  I understand your feelings about not wanting him in your home, especially like our situation, he doesnt want to be there and his mother wants him.  She has one child and you have three, she can raise her son-same situation as me.And sounds like you are doing all the work as i did because my husband was always at work etc.  Don't feel bad!!!! You are only human and children at this age are fully aware of what they are doing.  Your best bet is insisting on him returning to his mother so you and your husband can move forward.  It may take a while but believe me its worth it!!   As for the young girl who responded, you are not a mother and cannot speak from experience of a mother/wife.  It sounds liem you need to get some counseling to repair your and your fathers relationship!  Good luck!
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