5981907 tn?1383748869

Almost Step-Children..

So, I'm going to try and make this as short and sweet as possible.  I am a 26 year old female dating a man who is 32.  He has two young sons ages 4 and 6.  We are expecting our first child together in about 8 days.  We are not yet married, but marriage is definitely the next step for us within the coming year or so.  We met last March 2012, things pretty much just happened quickly.  I love him and I do love the boys. Their mother is not in the picture at all, in fact, my boyfriend has full custody of his two children. We also, don't live together yet.

My question is, WHAT SHOULD MY ROLE BE?  I am there for the children, I do help provide for the boys as much as my pockets allow, I do have to consider raising our daughter and expenses for her as well, I'm pretty much the only "Mother-figure" the kids know.  They do know who their mother is though.

He expects me to be "their mother"... He wants me to be "in the kids life" like 100% and 24/7.  He's a truck driver, so he's not home right now Monday thru Friday (praying for a local job soon, it's a new career).  Anyway, he wants me to act as the "Step Mom"....

My belief is once two people get married, that when to "Step-Parenting" comes in.  Not before.  He believes that once you're in a relationship with someone who has children, the children become "like" yours as well.

I don't want to feel obligated into being the mother of not only our daughter, but 2 kids who technically aren't mine, YET!!! At the same time, I don't want to feel stand-offish to his children or make him feel like I don't accept them as much as our daughter.

Any advice will help.... Any takers??? Lol!!!
6 Responses
5914096 tn?1399918987
I'm not sure I understand your issue.  If you are living together, a child on the way, and your plans are to marry, your role needs to be mother of his kids too.  Your role cannot be their friend now and step mom once you marry.  It sounds as if you are not sure whether to marry or not.  Maybe this issue needs to be evaluated.  Regardless, the adults need to make sure their role is very clear to the children otherwise problems can develop.
Avatar universal
Ya'll don't live together yet but u have a baby coming?? Or u do live together? I'm a little confused I guess! It sounds like you are going to be a great stepmother and the kids will be lucky to have you. IMO since marriage is your next step and u are already expanding your family, your IT! welcome to motherhood of 3 beautiful children!!
5981907 tn?1383748869
"We also, don't live together yet."-....... No we don't live together, I'm not sure how you guys got confused on that...

Anyway, I guess what I'm trying to say is the fact that I'm still getting used to the fact that he has not one, but two children. I've never dated anyone with children to begin with, but I feel almost like I'm being forced into the role.  I know a lot of people who date while they have kids, but they don't always introduce the children to the person they're dating right away.  

It kind of all happened fast.  NOW, he expects me to all of a sudden have these natural motherly instincts that I don't have yet, even before we found out we were pregnant.  

I guess I'm struggling with how to go about spreading myself so thin so quick.  It's not like I've been there since the boys were born.. and it's not like I've been around for years...

I guess the ADVICE I'm looking for is how to cope or be a mother to these kids before even having my own?  I don't make friends with children that's not the role I'm trying to play here..... OR advice on how someone else got used to going from 0 kids to 3 within a year... practically....?

That's all...
Avatar universal
I'm a divorced mother of 4. My kids were quiet small yet. My ex moved in with the lady right quick. She was not ready to take on them. Oh she let it be known. When I spoke to her I told her "I'm positively 100% sure you were aware he had kids when you started sleeping with him. If you ever came to live together my kids were gonna be a part of your life as well. I don't expect you to treat them as your own but I do expect you to treat them with respect" my experience from this whole ordeal I will tell you this. I believe children know right of hand when they are surrounded by good people. They sense it. You also got to keep in mind if you and your Bf do move in together them boys are used to living one way and its their fathers way. I ask you to be very patient with them. Having you in their life will be a big blessing. If they do ever call you "mom'" don't take that away from them all that means is that your deserving of the title. Its been a roller coaster ride with my kids and their step mom. Up to this day they don't like her. Then again she's a witch. Be good to them kids gods putting them in your path for a reason.  Anyhow best of luck with eve. I have this belief l"having a baby is the easy part ..the hard part is what lies ahead (raising them)" anyhow best of luck with everything. Godk bless :)
Avatar universal
Only because the mother isn't in the picture I think you pick up that role. However if she was then I'd say ur role would only be to support him but not take it on as us responsibility.
Avatar universal
How would you feel if someone you loved rejected your daughter? Stop b!!tching and mom the f up. These are your kids now. This is your family and you gotta do what you gotta do. Those boys will grow to love a respect you for it. If you can't handle that walk away.
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