I think if it was an accident, he should be apologizing to you for breaking it and his consequence should be no more playing with certain (or all) electronics. You can't force a kid to miss you or have a certain relationship with you. Those things take time. I've been in my step son's life for almost his whole life. One of his first words was my name. We have a special relationship but it's nothing like that of a bio mom/son. You've got to learn to appreciate the relationship for what it is, not beat yourself up for what it isn't. The disagreements on discipline needs to be dealt with, between you and your husband. Sit him down and tell him to draw the line for you and spell it all out, exactly what he would like you to be in charge of, and what he wants to be in charge of. My husband has no issue with me spanking his son, but I don't feel good about it, so if it needs to be done, that's his department. Otherwise, I do my best to come up with creative discipline, and if he doesn't feel it fits, he says so, and I let him decide. As the head of the household, I give him the final say on pretty much everything. Even if I was the bio mom, I probably would, but then again my husband trusts me to make most of these decisions. I'm not sure your problem isn't related to your need to control something. I went through something similar, I thought I wanted to have kids of my own so I'd be in charge of them, just because I was sick of watching my step sons mother make parenting mistakes on him (and that's putting it nicely). Truth be told, I don't know that I want any more kids! And that realization has made me a better step mom. Just take it one day at a time and try to really ask yourself WHY you're upset at a certain situation, and be honest. Try to find new ways to foster a special relationship with your step son. Find out what he's into, and bond with him over it. Take him on special dates, just the two of you. Make sure that he gets enough quality time with his dad. Simple things! You've got the chance to be the cool Aunt type person in his life. Or you can be the bitter step mom... The choice is yours.
I totally get you! I voice my concerns and speak to the children directly. When the dads intercepted (as he shouldn't have, he could've waited til I was done then we talk about it away from the kids) I would say "I wash clean and cook after you lot and I do so because I consider you my own" and now I'm growling you for breaking something that you shouldn't have had or been misusing. Its not fair when the dad overrides as its a window opportunity for the kids to manipulate. However, in following up on the growling with a talk about why I was upseat.. And why we need to look after things has earnt me there greater respect in the long run. Children know right from wrong and they know if you have their best interest at heart. The dad that let's them get away with things has no boundary or security where the child feels safe. But the parent that puts their foot down to stupidity is the one the child seeks. In my opinion anyway. Hope it helps so just keep doing what ur doing. Be the parent all the way with or without his support