Outside Perspective

[pursuitofwisdom86]

I'd like to get some outside perspective of my life and current situation. 5 months ago I met a woman that I have so much in common with when it comes to what we like and how we both think. This creates a lot of good times and also a lot of struggle since we are both very stubborn and opinionated and sensitive and fight over some of the simplest of things. But we both like to talk through our problems and have grown together a lot in such a short time. We end up saying the same things at the same time and have fallen in love very quickly. But lately I feel like I might have grown too attached to soon and allowed her too as well. She is separated from a man that she was together with for 9 years and had 6 kids with. We are both 30 and have had very different lives. I focused on my career and she focused on being a mother. I never thought I'd even date a woman with a kid let alone many kids and be in the position of being a role model or eventually a step father. The man she was with was an abuser, physically and mentally and is aware of me and has gone over the edge in his actions. He moved out of their home and got a place only hundreds of feet from where they currently live so he can spy on her and the kids. He is constantly stalking and has even gone over while I was there and tried to attack and fight me while I was there. He has no regard for the kids and has shown no regard in being violent in front of them. The only reason the kids have not seen there father like this is because of the protective action she and I have taken. But i have been worn thin. I'm starting to think has this been worth it? Should I run away? But the kids love me and I love being around them. I don't want to hurt them as much as I dont want to hurt her because of my thoughts of being a selfish person. However, as of late, I look at the children and I see him in them. I see the man I hate and has created so much turmoil between my girlfriend and I in their eyes. I fear they will become like him. They are obviously children now, but what regrets may grow and they eventually see me as the enemy too? It's a growing fear of mine and a completely new situation that I have no wisdom on. She is also trying to get him to pay child support which he does not currently so she is taking the legal actions to make that happen, however, if he does start to pay child support he will also be granted visitation, and we are aware that he will hound the kids for information and I fear he will manipulate the kids into seeing me as the enemy and the one that broke up the family. Theres been so much to this over the last few months that its really hard to say it all in one take and not miss a great chunk. I just want someone to talk to and gain some outside perspective. If you are in or have been in a similar situation please ask me anything and help give me some guidance.

[Harv_c]

I know what you are going through and it is tough.  The first thing you must do is think long and hard about what you are taking on.  Children will tie the relationship to their father forever.  There is no escaping this.  You will never become their dad even if you become their step father and you must give this to them in your heart and verbally, never stepping between them.  You must put yourself into his shoes with the feelings of all that he has lost.
If you accept this, step two is good healthy open communication between you, her, and each child.  Keeping the communication open in a supportive way will let them know that you are not the enemy.  Supporting them the way a good dad should will be seen by them and they will migrate toward it.
You can be their protector and only step between dad and child to stop physical abuse.
The only way you will reduce his influence is to move a good distance away, if you marry.
Lastly remember, the fight between him and her is not your fight.  Keep yourself out of it as much as possible even though you will have to provide a listening ear and a crying shoulder.  You also must tell her that you are not her warrior, you cannot fight her battles, but you will referee if things get out of hand and support her decisions in this matter.
Good luck, once again, we know it is tough.

[Anomalychick]

Advice- She needs to get a restraining order against him, or hopefully have him arrested for shoving her or hitting her. She needs to have a record of it. (No record, and it won't matter what she says in court.) Ideally get the guy arrested at least twice for domestic violence or disputes and have a restraining order in affect.
THEN she should file for child support.
He will get supervised visitation only at a center he has pay to visit every other week for 2 hours. This will go on for a few years. He will also need to complete an anger management class.
Then he will get every other weekend assuming there are no other incidents.
With this type of custody arrangement, the father will have very little influence over the children and you should be fine. The kids will believe whatever you and mom tell them.

[Anomalychick]

A few more things you should know- If they were married and she is not allowing him to see the children, she may lose custody of them. She needs to get her ducks in a row to prove to domestic violence as quickly as possible. Also, if they were not married- She should take the children, move to another state or country, and then file against the father there. He will need to follow her to where she has moved to if he wants more than 2 weeks visitation in the summer. If they were married this is kidnapping, she should not move until this goes through the courts.