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Avatar universal

Step daughter reminds me of her mom

I know this might sound crazy and even heartless,but i assure you it is the total opposite of that. I have major issues with my husband's babys mama. She is a mean, vindictive, awful person. I don't know what my husband was ever doing with her. Their daughter is 9. We have court ordered rights and get her every other weekend and a day through the week, etc.  She is the sweetest thing (she gets that from her dad). I really care about her and we have a pretty good relationship. But i have this underlying resentment towards her that i feel so guilty about. I feel like if she didn't exist, we wouldn't have half the problems we have. Paying the lawyer, custody battles,  child support, struggles with her mother, etc. I look at her sometimes and see her mother and wish that my husband and i only had our child together.  (We have a one year old daughter together) I never ever take my feelings out on my stepdaughter but i dont like thinking of my husband and that witch together.  I don't like her calling or texting him even tho its mostly just about their daughter. I dont like her trying to dictate every little thing about her daughter when she is his daughter too. Im afraid she talks bad about us to her even tho we have strict rules between ourselves to never talk about her mom in front of her. She texts him and says i am to stay out of matters concerning her daughter when this is my life too! I cant stand her breathing. I have anxiety about her all the time and i just feel if their daughter never existed,  then my life would be so much easier and happier. How do i overcome these feelings and move forward?? (Reconciliation between her mother and me is not an option at this point) help....
10 Responses
134578 tn?1517087675
How do you overcome these feelings and move on?  Therapy, it sounds like.  You aren't willing to be the more generous person now, so you had better get going on how to live with the reality of your life, which is that you married a man with an ex and a daughter.  Presumably you knew this man had a daughter when you married him?  I guess you didn't tell him that you were crossing your fingers behind your back and saying, "I want to marry you but I get to resent the hell out of your daughter when anything about her existence (including her mother) makes me mad."  You won the game, you are married to this guy and the other woman is not.   Some men snore in front of the TV, some men drink, some don't work, some are mean to their family, every man has something you could resent if you tried to find it, and in this case the weakness of this man is that he has an ex that you hate.  So much so that anything that reminds you she exists makes you mad.  Time to talk to a counselor about why you don't realize you won.
3 Comments
Wait, sorry. This is meant for OP. I'm new
I understand that it doesn't feel like you won. She has this weird power over your life and its sucks. I understand how you feel, OP
Holy Crap, OP. It feels like I wrote that post! I know EXACTLY how you feel.
11246063 tn?1420955432
Your resentment to the child's mother is clouding your mind. It's not the child's fault to have a bitchy mother. She is the victim here because her father has already a family, you and your daughter, and a vindictive mother. The child may even grow up insecure and resentful in the future.

It is the mother that you should hate not the child. Since your husband had a hand in creating that child would you resent him too? He was the one who chose to have relationship with that woman, not the child. Your husband is only taking responsibility of his action and you should be proud of him, after all, you married him right?

How certain are you that if the child was not born, you will still meet your husband and married him? God made everything for a purpose. Until you accept the fact that the child was meant to be born in order for you to marry her father then, you will continue resenting the child. If you have a hard time accepting it all then consult a therapist. The therapist can help you with your dilemma.
Avatar universal
I got on this site for support from people like me. I cant afford therapy.  Thats what you guys are for. Lol. But yes i do know that without his daughter,  and in fact everything in his past, he would not be who he is and we most certainly would have never met. I love this little girl and never show an inkling of my feeling to either of them. Its just this awful woman. And i know without her too, he would not appreciate me. If i were religious it would help in my fight to forgive this woman for all the ways she had hurt our family. I just cannot see through the fog at this moment and an clouded by hate. I do not ever see a good relationship with her and dread dealing with her for the next 9 years. ...well actually pretty much the rest of my life. I run into her in town and walk the other way. When can i go to the store without looking over my shoulder? When can i give her a hug in front of her mom without feeling like shes going to take her home and sanitize her? Im just so stressed on a daily basis wondering what she is saying about me or what measures she is taking to exclude me from her daughters life. Of course she has no say in a lot of it but she does what she can. The othet day, we were in line for santa pictures with our two girls and i say to her (right by her mom) "honey stay right here we are next" so her mom immediately ushers her away to go look at something else.  We had to get out of line and wait for my husband to go get her back. Its little things like that. Just bei.g mean and hurtful and i can't take it!!! I guess i just have to suck it up and learn to live with it, because no amount of therapy for me will change the fact that she is an awful person
2 Comments
Sometimes I want to scream at my partner "Why did you do this to me?!" brig this women in my life.
But I love the line you wrote:

And i know without her too, he would not appreciate me.

wow. Never thought of that.
I understand your troubles completely. Step mom of 3 here, and mother of 2. So five total kids. My husbands ex has tried everything from threats to attempting to drive a wedge between my husband and I by creating lies, and will actually go out of her pay to purchase fast food for her kids before they come here on fridays if my husband tells her not to feed them because I made a big meal. It’s all vindictive behavior, and used to get under my skin so often it was creating fights between my husband and I. But I can tell you after 5 years and reaching the end of my 20s, I have become much more patient and laid back. I can take a lot of ******** because I’ve had lots of experience... and those little failed attempts she STILL tries to make do not affect me anymore. I let it roll right off my shoulders because as my step kids have grown, I’ve gotten to watch them and grow with them, and they remember all the things I have done and all the things their mother has done.. and The older they get, the less naive and “impressed” they are with their mothers jealousy. It does nothing but cause friction and they are finally starting to see that. You’ve got to keep your composure and remember that how she treats you is not a representation of your character but her own... Trust me, being a step mom is hard, and you have got to have a strong relationship with your spouse or it won’t last. Good luck to you.
Avatar universal
When a woman dreams of becoming a mother,  its the day she gives birth not the day she gets married. But it is a path a lot of us take and it is a difficult adjustment.  We are only one and a half years married and two years together total. Im still adjusting. Please dont judge me i do not hate my stepdaughter i just hate her mother and like i said,  it is hard to  through the fog right now
Avatar universal
I am in a frustrating situation with an ex from hell and an extremely spoiled step daughter who also has special needs and regresses to toddler like behavior when she is with her dad.  

I already feel guilty for the frustration I feel and the tension that is created when she is at our house.  I love her Dad and he is a good man who has taken good care of his daughter.  But, there are some behaviors that were created by her being the center of his universe and his guilt over leaving a sick and abusive marriage.  I resent her, at times, and I feel frustrated and even sickened by his physical affection toward her and the way he talks to her, which in some ways are identical to the way he treats me and the pet names he uses with me.  

I feel like I want to leave and not come home until she is asleep or hide in my office when the baby behaviors and infantile speech and daddy manipulation is happening.  I feel like an intruder in my own home or like it is me against them.

What I HATE is when I try to honestly express my feelings and people spew shame and "you should have knowns" all over me.  

Thanks for your honesty, even though voicing your truth put you at risk of the critism of those who apparently have it all together or have all the answers.

M
2 Comments
I'm just now reading this post because I'm in a similar situation. For some reason, people who have never been in situations like ours like to turn their noses up and show no sympathy for women who are raising children by another woman. I get the same unhelpful response from people and if I had a dime everytime I heard it I'd be rich by now. There is no easy answer. You can try talking to your husband or a close friend.
I feel the same way. I have the spoiled step daughter and I see the affection from her dad and I have the anxiety of not wanting to come home.
I have no advice to give, but say I feel the same way.
I get "You knew he had a kid when you dated him"
I have no advice.. what will we do  :(
Avatar universal
Hi M
I can completely relate to how you feel. I dread when my partners ten year old daughter is going to be staying with us and try to spend as much time away from her as I can. I have frequently spoken to my partner about how difficult I find her behaviour, she is very spoilt, demanding, lazy, unappreciative, clingy and ill-mannered and he has tried to change. But I feel her behaviour is too entrenched for it to change enough for me too be happy. I really want to leave him but he is now planning on giving up his job to return to full time education and I will be supporting them both. How do you tell a man that you find his daughter's behaviour completely intolerable? T
Avatar universal
I dont have an answer. But I relate. 100%. Thank you for posting. It makes me feel not so alone and like a less horrible person. Being a MUM is HARD but this step mum business is far harder. Love to you, I hope life is easier for you these days. xx
Avatar universal
Good Morning,

I have two step children from my husbands previous relationship and I came into their lives when one was 4 (my daughter), and my son wasnt even born yet. They are my step children, but just as you must I walked into this relationship understanding that if I wanted to be with their father, then I had to want to be a mom to his children. In addition I had to accept that his baby's mother would always be a part of his life. One last thing you have to understand is that a child will take after their parents.

These things are what anyone who marries someone with children needs to face ahead of time. My two children also take after their mother in so many ways and when they were younger I must admit at times it was annoying. Their mother always seems unhappy, frustrated with the world, and quick to judge others and make snappy comments. Some of those traits would rub off on the kids. The bad parts that made them sound rude or mean we would talk to them about. An example would be my little girl once told her grandmother well this isnt my most expensive gift. We sat her down and told her she needs to be grateful for everything. Another example is that my step son told my grandmother her house stuck and she needed to clean it. Later we told him why he was wrong and how that is disrespectful. These were comments that their mother would say without thinking to though. Still we never once told them to stop being like their mother. We would just explain what was wrong and that they cant do that.

Now my children are 15, and 12 and I can honestly say that sometimes my step daughter acts more like me then her mom. My step son acts more like his step dad at times then my husband. Over time the kids have learned to love all of us and all we can do is pray that they get the best traits from each of us and not the worse ones.

Now that I have gone over this issue. I want to turn my direction to your comments about the child never being born. If you feel that much resentment you need to get help...or rethink your relationship with her father. You are this childs other mother and you need to treat her with love and care and never show anything different toward her. She needs you and if her mother is a bad person she needs you to teach her how to be sweet...however your comments dont show you as any better then her mother.

I am sorry for being harsh but I would never trade my step children for anything. They have some of their mom in them but they are great kids who are growing up to be themselves as well, and taking after all their family. I cant imagine saying those mean things about them.

GOOD LUCK....
1 Comments
"Now my children are 15, and 12 and I can honestly say that sometimes my step daughter acts more like me then her mom. "
Oh wow. So there is hope. amazing.
Avatar universal
OP! I know how you feel. Reading your post felt like I had written it almost word for word.
I have no idea how to help, I'll read below. But thank you for asking it!
Avatar universal
Thanks so much for sharing this! I really needed to see that and know that I’m not the only one, I also have a one year old daughter with my fiancé and his daughter is just about to turn 5. I HATE her mother, she’s a bad mum... sorry to say! She has men at her house constantly she never even sees her own daughter and she just wants wants wants! She says jump my partner asks how high and I’m sooooo sick of it! I wish I wasn’t in this relationship anymore but I love my partner and I want my daughter to have her dad around, I just don’t know if I can go through this any longer it’s like torture, and just like you I’m resenting my step daughter, she’s ok... at the best of times, my family don’t like her either because she’s so rude and baby-like and spoiled and down right horrible to my 1 year old. It’s taking its toll on my mental health and I’m just so very comforted knowing that I’m not the only one going through this!
2 Comments
It's hard to blend families.  Always try to remember that kids that are 5 are often a victim of the chaos around them.  Parents living in different homes who have moved on with other people and made them less of a priority and that's going to show someone, most likely.  The rate of break ups when someone has a child from another relationship is . . .don't freak . . . but 98%.  Only 2 percent of couples manage to make it.  Because of all of these types of difficulties.  It's just really hard and I'm sorry you are caught in this situation.  There's no easy answer.  Your partner is a packaged deal.  Try to stay cool and put yourself in the little girl's shoes.  Different rules, different homes. And a threat of a new cute little baby with dad all the time when she is just there part of the time.  And she may sense you are annoyed with her. I would fake it til you make it with her and maybe plan something fun to do just with rher, you and her.  And try try try not to fight with your partner about her as that is one way to really upset someone.  He has a responsibility to her and probably loves her very dearly. He's going to take complaints personally.  So, vent to a girlfriend or here rather than him when she's on your nerves.  Hang in there.  I hope it gets better soon.  
I’ve never vented to him about anything, I don’t have friends here I don’t have family here I sacrificed everything to be with him. I’ve been with him almost all of his daughters life and she can never sense my annoyance I’m brilliant at hiding it. I’m just alone with this, I dread when she’s coming to stay, I count down the hours in my head until she has to go home.my daughter loves her dearly and that’s lovely as they’re sisters. I grew up without a dad and my sisters had theirs, I was never jealous because they was happy, and that’s just how life goes. I’ve been through a much worse situation than my step daughter is when I was a child and I’m making sure she never feels any part of the way I did, but it still doesn’t stop me from feeling hurt and down.!
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