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Step son causing family issues

Me and my bf have been living together for about 7 months. He has a 10 year old son with 50-50 custody. I have a 10 year old daughter and 14 year old son. Which I have about 70% of the time.

At first things were great. Now his son is completely acting out. The worst part... he does it behind my bf’s back and acts like the perfect child in front of his father.

With two ten year olds they have an equal number of chores that they alternate every week. My 14 year has a set of his own due to age, size, and capability. With the 10 year olds being new to an actual chore list they made several mistakes in the beginning. (Not washing dishes correctly was a big one). My 14 year old has always been very clean and helpful with no issues. Me and my bf have set them down several times, we’ve showed them how to correctly do things, explained to them the what we expect, rewards and punishments. After the first sit down my daughter started doing her chores 100%. It’s been four months now and his son still refuses to anything asked of him.

Example.. after doing daily chores they are to sign there names on the list stating their chores are complete. They are held accountable for their list that day. His son will sign his name first. Without completing anything. His room will have clothes everywhere, the dishes will be dirty, etc... when calmly told about the things he does he begins to automatically cry. If you ask him if he knows his stuff isn’t done he’ll admit he didn’t do it.

This has become a daily routine. Among other things...

He constantly breaks my stuff on “accident” every time he’s in trouble.

He lies to me everyday.

He refuses to listen to me.

Says hateful things to my daughter when no one is around.

He locked me outside this morning on purpose.

He makes the entire family miserable because we can never do anything when he’s here because he’s always in trouble.

He plays his mom and dad back and forth constantly.

He always rolls his eyes at me and makes rude remarks under his breath.

Last week he got in trouble at school.

He fights with his mom and stepdad constantly and has admitted to purposely hurting his one year old brother.

My bf does punish him but at the same time he doesn’t. Since getting in so much trouble lately he started crying suicide.

I’m a hypnotherapist and have seen no signs of depression or self harm.

Naturally my bf feels bad and says he has “deeper issues”. We fight constantly about his disrespect, taunting, and manipulative behavior. Still my bf is really the only one he listens to so he acts like the perfect child in front of him. I hate to say it but he acts like the Good Son with his split personalities.

I’m at the end of my rope. We have tried everything with this child. He doesn’t care about punishment or rewards. We’ve recently put him in counseling and he seems to play his therapist as well! I understand he wants me gone and wants his dad to himself (typical child behavior). Still I believe there is something more! Please help!
1 Responses
973741 tn?1342346373
Argh.  This is so often the case for couples who merge families.  That's hard.  And most often doesn't go well.  I have two sons and if a new partner acted like they were a problem, I'd be out of there.  And you should too.  And he should if you feel that way about his son.  

Do yourself a favor, move on.  He's a packaged deal and his son needs him far more than you do.  He's a child and his father needs to be a good parent.  

All the advice I can give you about how to deal with a difficult child is just not worth it.  You have other kids to think about and they don't need the chaos.  This boy may have other things going on such as a diagnosis or he may be hurting inside or he may be a sociopath.  But whatever the cause is for his behavior, you aren't going to fix it and it's an indication that his dad needs to really focus on him to help him.  Without distraction.  

So, unfortunately, this is just probably not going to work.  I wish you the best.
1 Comments
If this is going to be a long term relationship as in marriage then work with the counselor. Go together, separately, do not agree to complete privacy so you can discuss some of your sons comments. Watching him speak to the therapist is helpful. If however you are merely testing the waters with thin man, then I agree. Maybe be on now. Some days it is difficult enough to love our own kids. It sounds as if you don’t like this child. Like animals they sense that.
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