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Avatar universal

should I stay and help or get out now?

So the boys ages 10 and 11 have been abandoned by their mother going on 7 years and have had a live in gf they called mom for 4 years but that was 3 years ago...and now I have been with dad for 1.5 years...here is the thing the kids have bad manners, poor social skills, aggressive behavior, no home routine with dinner homework showers video game limits. They are rude at social gatherings even to their own very limited friends *like 2 friends* they dont have hobbies or interests other than video games....one kid is 10 going on 5 years old her cries daily throws fits wants to ALWAYS be around his dad even when he has friends near him to be with he will literally hold his dads shoulder to keep him near....its awkward and people have noticed and commented on their lack of cleanliness or manners or that they are overweight and have no interests outside the home....I dont blame them I feel they are a product of their environment their dad is lazy in my opinion and doesnt do enough for them to get out and play and develop interests or new friends, he doesnt have a schedule in place that is healthy or proper family time I feel he should do more quality time than just watching tv with them or being near them...since ive been with him I've encouraged outside activities family time game night movie night going out fun experiences even a disneyland trip to which they were very ungrateful for and seemed to think they deserved more than one day at disneyland and really anything we or I do for them they take for granted like its owed to them. He buys them things clothes video games game cards whenever they want because he wants to keep them happy I disagree with that they are to be earned....he'll try for a month or so and slip back into habits of co-sleeping the kid just "falls" asleep in his bed of course watching TV late...since I've been with him they have actually had a bedtime in their beds learned to say thank you and the fits have gone DOWN to simple crying & pouting vs. the roll on the floor slam doors scream for HOURS fits that were a 2-4 times weekly occurrence....the brothers can't stand each other one is rude mean and spiteful *(which I think is just alot of emotions from abandonment) the other is ANNOYING AF literally anyone around him can attest that even though he means well he is annoying, pest-like, bothersome and has no idea of adult boundaries he will often sit or stand next to his dad and stare at whoever his dad is speaking with and put his hand on his dad as if to show dominance his dad recently found an issue with it but as it turns out this child has ALWAYS been this way...(from friends of mine who knew them prior) ...

my question in saying all this my boyfriends needs ALOT of help to be a parent that is involved, loving and is raising kids to be kind  to be healthy  and mentally and emotionally strong people with goals in life. His parents SUCKED and still do and they live with him (depend on him)...Ive tried to help Ive gone out of my way to help and they have made great strides and even gone to therapy which helped a ton ease the tension and another adult telling them respectful behavior is expected of a child. His parents dont help he still lives with them hasnt moved out although Ive directly and indirectly said it many times...I know I can stay and help him get the backbone and confidence to move out and be a better parent...but should I?

Im seven years younger and with no children...Ive worked professionally and voluntarily with kids from many backgrounds and I have a great skillset to help them and their dad is a wonderful man with a great heart for them and people and tries as best he knows how but he wasnt raised right and things just werent shown to him or come as instinct for him...should I stay? what are reasonable benchmarks for him...move out? establish your own home?  
5 Responses
Avatar universal
*side note* my concern is I'm a woman and people expect that I would have them clean mannered on a schedule and apart of all the activities my niece and nephew are involved in *i have them on weekends* they expect because Ive worked with kids that I would have my boyfriends kids in line the way my niece and nephew are the way my students are the way that I have given guidance to parents...I feel pressured for them to behave have manners enjoy activities....taking them out usually involves a melt down a fight amongst the boys and us playing referee...Ill give my boyfriend this he listens to me he gets that they areas to work on he has admitted he has been on Survival mode with raising them with all the changes and his parents were there for him even if they yell and cuss and dont help they are at least there so he isnt alone...he has admitted that the positive changes he sees in the boys are a direct result from counseling and helping with discipline and positive reinforcement and basically being a hands on parent he gets it but there is alot of work to be done and will be done....Im tired Im spent there are days where I am perfectly content to not see the boys until the weekend and even then its hard...its always work always a battle always making sure hes following through and guiding and having to be the backbone for him...I just dont know if more time he will be able to do it on his own or at least have the instinct on his own without the constant guidance or encouraging where we could all spend time peacefully and happily and the boys be at peace with each other
134578 tn?1517087675
You said you are glad not to see them until weekends, does that mean you do not all live together all the time?

Frankly, some guy with ill-behaved kids and hopeless parents is a challenge to love.  But if you can find it in your heart to stick, you will probably be rescuing the kids.  It depends on whether the man is worth it; it's a crown in heaven to you if you manage to rescue the kids, but do you ultimately want the man or not?  He doesn't sound like an adult on the emotional front, though as you say it might have just been survival.

If you want this man, keep going through counseling, you, he, and the whole family.  There need to be rules.  The kids need help to get over their abandonment issues.  Try to overlook that you think people are judging you because you haven't been able to magically shape the boys up.  You've done a lot, they don't have the right to judge anyway.  But again, decide, is the man worth it?  Because when the kids are up and out, you'll be stuck with the man.  Will you blow up at him with years of pent-up anger that you had to take care of his poorly mannered kids?

Avatar universal
Thank you for your words and advice they are thought provoking and good questions to ask myself and no we don't live together

when thinking it through he is a great man kind hearted loving patient generous to however he can help out fun mellow affectionate and honest attentive...and he s been incredibly open to my thoughts and help and guiding...he sees the results and knows things need to keep changing for his kids to have a better future...he is a good  man
I met and got to know him mostly away from his kids the first few months so I saw a whole different side to him prior to really getting to know the kids...I think he is worth it...I think if he continues in therapy and being the head of his home and leading his boys they're going to have the structure to be healthy and strong and hopefully heal...we recently had a pretty good mothers day where one boy did show appreciation for trips and fun stuff and me being in his life...it meant alot and was unexpected....I guess small steps and being persistent....I believe in the good in the boys...that is buried under hurt and abandonment and for him I believe the parental guidance is something he was never shown and I might be the first person to tell him kids are expected to behave just as a parent is expected to discipline and guide them....were trying some coding classes and baseball hopefully they take to it....

I hope years from now when they are older they'll appreciate their Dad and I and they'll be whole and happier overall
that would be the ideal goal and I hope to not keep this pent up...I do get some frustrations out in therapy and I can be validated in front of him by someone outside the family ....thank you for your words

I think I let the judging get to me probably more than anything...but I need to learn to brush it off
Avatar universal
Ok so I can relate in a way I was staying with a friend of mine and my husband at the time I have known his friends kids since the was in diapers almost anyway I've always been auntie to them to make a long story short him and his wife was having problems it really effected the kids the middle boy was shiting his pants to get attention the oldest boy did what ever he wanted and the lil girl used her tears for everything I moved in along with my husband and I had the kids all day during the summer and it took a while but I got them eating at the table breakfast, lunch and dinner I had them cleaning Thier rooms putting away Thier laundry the right way I cleaned the rooms once a month my way then the rest I made them do and after all my hard work I put in to these kids Thier father starts to date a friend of boy was that a bad idea she was alot younger then him I practically raised her and she had her own issue but it got to the point where they both daughter and gf would race to get his attention she of course won but it really messed the kids up to see Thier mother and father not getting along and on top of it  Thier mother wanted to best the gf *** cuz she tried to correct the kids they way I was telling her to do it not laying hands on them but taking stuff away well one day she thought cuz she seen me pick up the girl and sit her in her room she thought it was ok to ouck her up and sit her in the chair well as u can tell this is getting kinda ling but be glad u don't got a mother to deal with and grandparents who spoil the hell out of them cuz it eventually caused problems for me I was asked to move out due to the kids and Thier lying to Grandma but I still keep in touch with them and they still respect me and call me auntie
Avatar universal
But also do u wanna raise a man and his kids u do know u can't raise a man that don't wanna grow up and get out of his mom and dad house with his kids and a new gf
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