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Fish Magnet
It Could Be Just Me
Fish Magnet
One of the marvelous advantages of living in Lewis County is how many great places there are to go fishing. I love to go fishing. I think the only thing that could make me love it more would be to catch a fish. Everybody I know catches fish. Usually within a few feet of where I’m standing. If I go with friends, whoever is standing right next to me catches fish. If I go by myself, the closest person, complete stranger though he or she may be, they catch a fish.
I noticed this phenomenon a couple of months ago, but I thought it could be just me. So, without mentioning it to anyone, I performed a scientific experiment. First, I cut my hair and shaved. A complete identity change, in an effort to fool the fish into thinking I wasn’t standing around. It didn’t work. Those persons closest to me still caught fish. Then I tried changing my style. Instead of the old-sweatshirt-and-blue-jeans-with-sneakers look, I bought a set of those new neoprene chest waders with the feet in them, with all the accessories (except an SUV. There are some things even I won’t do.) Then, instead of clambering up and down the bank, crashing through the brush looking for that one perfect hole, I waded out into the middle of the river. Now, the people closest to me one BOTH sides of the river caught fish.
Well, that was enough proof for me. You don’t have t beat me over the head with the facts before I can see the truth. I am a fish magnet. Now I had some serious thinking to do and standing up to your armpits in a swiftly flowing river with people on both sides of you merrily yanking fish out of the water is not the place to do it. So I waded up to the bank and sat with ,my back to an old broken off cedar tree. I looked up and saw that there was an osprey nest where the tree had broken, and sure enough, there went the osprey, streaking out of the tree and into the water to come up with a fish. Now this conclusively proved that it doesn’t even matter what species is closest to me. Whatever it is, it will catch fish.
The problem is; I don’t. Now I have no problem with being the catalyst that will cause even the most inexperienced big-city bumbler to haul fish out of the water with appalling regularity, but I do believe that a talent such as mine should not go without some form of compensation. So from here on in, I am going to hire myself out. I have been working on a complicated compensation formula based on the prevailing price of fresh fish, cross-correlated to the current price-per-gallon of gasoline and divided by the barometric pressure, but I haven’t worked out all the bugs yet. When I do, you can look me up under Vinny The Fish Magnet, Inc. Don’t worry though, I will donate ten percent of my time to charitable organizations.
In the interim, I propose a Vinny Proximity Tax to be imposed on those persons who are closest to me on any given fishing expedition. For in-state resident fisherpersons this would only be two dollars, and for out-of-state non-residents ten dollars. Unless you (a) are from California, or (b) drive an SUV, in which case the VPT would be 150 dollars. If you happen to be from California AND drive one of those disgusting yuppie gas hogs too, well, then we’re talking major taxage, and quite possibly felony charges. Don’t they have fish where you come from? It’s obvious they don’t have a gas shortage or traffic laws. If I’m driving to the river, or anywhere else for that matter, and I happen to notice an SUV with California plates, I break out in hives! These people are a menace!
Has anybody else noticed this, or is it just me? I don’t know, maybe it’s just learned behavior from all those drive-by shootings and those nuts with the greasy rags that “clean” your windshields at every stoplight down there, but I believe these people are a major contributing factor to the road rage syndrome. But that’s another issue altogether, and we were talking about the development of Vinny The Fish Magnet, Inc. As I said, I am still developing the compensation rates and business structure, so I am open to all qualified venture capitalists who would like to invest in this golden money-making opportunity. As well as any other verifiable fish magnets. Surely I can’t be the only one. Can I?
If you, too, are a Fish Magnet, do not be afraid. You are not alone. I share your talent and would be quite happy to shamelessly use you to my own advantage. Contact me quickly, before the government figures out a way to outlaw Fish Magnetism!
In the meantime, it looks like it’s going to be a nice day, so I guess I’ll pack up my gear and go help somebody catch a fish.
Fish Magnet
One of the marvelous advantages of living in Lewis County is how many great places there are to go fishing. I love to go fishing. I think the only thing that could make me love it more would be to catch a fish. Everybody I know catches fish. Usually within a few feet of where I’m standing. If I go with friends, whoever is standing right next to me catches fish. If I go by myself, the closest person, complete stranger though he or she may be, they catch a fish.
I noticed this phenomenon a couple of months ago, but I thought it could be just me. So, without mentioning it to anyone, I performed a scientific experiment. First, I cut my hair and shaved. A complete identity change, in an effort to fool the fish into thinking I wasn’t standing around. It didn’t work. Those persons closest to me still caught fish. Then I tried changing my style. Instead of the old-sweatshirt-and-blue-jeans-with-sneakers look, I bought a set of those new neoprene chest waders with the feet in them, with all the accessories (except an SUV. There are some things even I won’t do.) Then, instead of clambering up and down the bank, crashing through the brush looking for that one perfect hole, I waded out into the middle of the river. Now, the people closest to me one BOTH sides of the river caught fish.
Well, that was enough proof for me. You don’t have t beat me over the head with the facts before I can see the truth. I am a fish magnet. Now I had some serious thinking to do and standing up to your armpits in a swiftly flowing river with people on both sides of you merrily yanking fish out of the water is not the place to do it. So I waded up to the bank and sat with ,my back to an old broken off cedar tree. I looked up and saw that there was an osprey nest where the tree had broken, and sure enough, there went the osprey, streaking out of the tree and into the water to come up with a fish. Now this conclusively proved that it doesn’t even matter what species is closest to me. Whatever it is, it will catch fish.
The problem is; I don’t. Now I have no problem with being the catalyst that will cause even the most inexperienced big-city bumbler to haul fish out of the water with appalling regularity, but I do believe that a talent such as mine should not go without some form of compensation. So from here on in, I am going to hire myself out. I have been working on a complicated compensation formula based on the prevailing price of fresh fish, cross-correlated to the current price-per-gallon of gasoline and divided by the barometric pressure, but I haven’t worked out all the bugs yet. When I do, you can look me up under Vinny The Fish Magnet, Inc. Don’t worry though, I will donate ten percent of my time to charitable organizations.
In the interim, I propose a Vinny Proximity Tax to be imposed on those persons who are closest to me on any given fishing expedition. For in-state resident fisherpersons this would only be two dollars, and for out-of-state non-residents ten dollars. Unless you (a) are from California, or (b) drive an SUV, in which case the VPT would be 150 dollars. If you happen to be from California AND drive one of those disgusting yuppie gas hogs too, well, then we’re talking major taxage, and quite possibly felony charges. Don’t they have fish where you come from? It’s obvious they don’t have a gas shortage or traffic laws. If I’m driving to the river, or anywhere else for that matter, and I happen to notice an SUV with California plates, I break out in hives! These people are a menace!
Has anybody else noticed this, or is it just me? I don’t know, maybe it’s just learned behavior from all those drive-by shootings and those nuts with the greasy rags that “clean” your windshields at every stoplight down there, but I believe these people are a major contributing factor to the road rage syndrome. But that’s another issue altogether, and we were talking about the development of Vinny The Fish Magnet, Inc. As I said, I am still developing the compensation rates and business structure, so I am open to all qualified venture capitalists who would like to invest in this golden money-making opportunity. As well as any other verifiable fish magnets. Surely I can’t be the only one. Can I?
If you, too, are a Fish Magnet, do not be afraid. You are not alone. I share your talent and would be quite happy to shamelessly use you to my own advantage. Contact me quickly, before the government figures out a way to outlaw Fish Magnetism!
In the meantime, it looks like it’s going to be a nice day, so I guess I’ll pack up my gear and go help somebody catch a fish.
You are a very good story teller I enjoy what you write, haha and your sense of humor..
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