Between a Rock and a Hard Place

[helpinghand03141995747]

Hello and GOD bless to everyone.  I have many health issue's and am the caregiver for my wonderful Mother who had a stroke a year ago the day after Thanksgiving.  It came out of nowhere and it has been difficult for many reason's.  I have a son who began college the day that he turned 16 and who is now 18 and feel as if I am not being the parent that I need to be.  To get to the point, I have hyperhomocysteinemia, fibromyalgia, cervical dystonia, a gallbladder that only works at %35, hypertension,etc... The first condition I mentioned is the most serious because it puts me at risk for a stroke, heart attack, vascular disease, thrombosis, etc. and I am only 39 years of age.  I have hypocoaguable blood and blood clots throughout my body that move as they please.  My concern is that my devotion that I have for my Mother which I love dearly, in order to help my only sibling is literally putting my life at risk.  If you know of any of these conditions would you deem it necessary to find someone else to take my place as her caregiver under the current circumstances?  I kind of know what I have to do but it is hard because my only sibling will not agree to hire anyone which adds to the delima.  May GOD be with you all.  Stay full of faith.....

[helpinghand03141995747]

Hello Sara,

I pray that you are well.  As for the comment of "having to take action", I meant that I am going to have to step away which will force my sister to find a caretaker.  I am not just visiting her I am her caregiver for 5 days per week.  I do go to alot of doctor's appt's. which leaves my mother alone and this is not safe for her.  For example I had to take my son to the ER Thur. and I get a call at approx. 4:30 A.M. from my uncle who lives in my mother's home informing me that she had fallen.  I immediately call my sister then head straight over.  My sister went on to work and after my mother was situated I came back home and took my son to the ER. After she had fallen I checked her as best as I could and nothing appeared to be hurt and she was not in pain nor mentioned that she was.  I took my son over there with me after our ER visit to change her and give her lunch and found her soaked which not only broke my heart but infuriated me that she is being placed in this situation over the all mighty dollar.  My son and I come home and I get a call from my sister who goes over after work to put her to bed and to sometimes give her dinner if she is hungry stating that my mother is hurting and that she also may have another UTI, so off to the ER they go.  My mother is so important to me that I am risking my life to do what I do but I will not stand by and see her hurt.  I even had to put her in her wheelchair and push her back into the living room from the bathroom. She normally only uses the wheelchair for appt's. and pushing it causes inflamation, my heart rate and blood pressure to increase,difficulty breathing and not to mention the blood clots to become more of an issue.  Since she has refused anymore therapy she has began to decline and I will not allow her to be hurt due to her and my sister's wishes that she stay in the home.  I want her there to but I want her safe.  I want you to know that I deserve no credit, I only am trying to do what I can for my only surviving parent who has given so much.  I can't thank you enough for keeping in touch with me and wish you nothing but the best that life has to offer!

[sara12345]

Kim,
I am so glad to hear that you have such a wonderful son and partner.  Your partner does sound truly good.  I didn't understand what you meant by "I am going to have to take action".  Please let me know if you are willing to.  It has also been good for me to hear from someone who is in a similar position.  

I should let you know that the times that I did spend with my mother were the most precious times of my life. There was so much love expressed between the two of us.  

But I still encourage you to watch your time visiting with your mother and make sure that you will be alright. You are such a wonderful and blessed soul.
Sara

[helpinghand03141995747]

Sara I just read your message.  First, thank you for being there for me, I really needed to hear from someone who has been there and done that.  .  I would like to express my deepest sympathy for the passing of your mother. I will also continue to keep you in my prayer's as it relates to your overall health.  My son actually is my biggest fan and is only concerned about my health.  He is narcoleptic and does not drive as of yet and so he only ask's of me the smallest things such as taking him to class and picking him up.  He gives me no problems and as I mentioned in my first plea on this forum he graduated from highschool at 15 and began college the day that he turned 16.  I am not legally married yet but my partner of 13 years is an over the road truck driver and has worked dilligently to provide for us and be my support system.  You are absolutely right about taking care of myself but if my sister doesn't hire anyone she has no plan of who will take my place.  I'm sure she will have to figure out something but who know's what that will be?  My family won't speak up, I have screamed from the rooftop but to no avail.  I am going to take action because I no one owe's anyone anything, which seem's to be my sister's frame of mine except for me and that is to my son.  My mother know's that I adore her and will understand more than my sister that I must look after her only grandchild and his mother.......

Sincerely,
Kim

[sara12345]

Kim,
Yes, you really need to heed your doctor's advice.  Your family and mother need you, so don't wear yourself down so that you aren't around for them anymore.  And your son must understand that you have limits with your medical illness as well. If not, he does need to learn more compassion.  So do take care.  If your sister won't get anyone else, then that's on your sister--not you.  Your mother will appreciate any visits that you do make to her.   Listen to your family AND your doctors.  It's very very important that you do.  Sara
P.S. I had a major stroke and got 24/7 severe migraines as well as many other illnesses after my stroke.  Then my mother got a major stroke on top of severe congestive heart failure about 2 years later.  I'm still very burned out from trying to visit her as much as I did. And it hurt my overall health.  It's been over a year since she died.  My doctor also told ME to not visit her so much.  I didn't listen, but it sounds like you have even worse medical problems than I have.  So don't make the same mistake that I made.  And you have a family.  I have an understanding husband.  Much love to you.

[helpinghand03141995747]

GOD bless you Sara, I am sorry to here of your mother's illness.  Yes, my son has expressed the need for me which I know that he needs.  My sister is primary on the poa paperwork and I am secondary.  Some of my mother's sister's and brother's would help as they have before for the sake of my mother and me but because my sister does not want to contribute they have stopped.  I used to contribute when I could but no longer can.  I am waiting on an answer from disability & depending on what that is will tell me how to move forward on working again.  I am waiting to see a hemotologist as well which will ofcourse help me make this tough decision.  My physician's have told me to either stop or slow down due to my condition and I have shared this with my sister but all that she can say is "what will my son do without me".  She has current control of my mother's funds as it relates to extra spending.  My family is begging me to walk away so for the sake of my life and say that she will then find someone.....Thank you for giving me someone who understands to share my pain with.  Kim

[sara12345]

I am so sorry to hear about your mother, your medical problems and your son.  Does your son think that you should be parenting HIM more at this point in his life, or do you have other children at home.  Number 1 is that you have to take care of yourself.  I don't understand why your sibling has the total say on not hiring anyone to help visit your mother.  Does your sibling have sole Power of Attorney.  Why is she the total boss in your situation.  I assume that you must not have any extra funds to pay for someone.  Is that the case?  I was in a similar position to you being the sole child in town to visit my mother in hospice after a stroke.  I paid for a woman who didn't charge me much to visit my mother on days when I was too sick to come in.  

But your mother will greatly appreciate the time that you do visit her. Just make sure to tell her every time how very much you love her and wish that you could visit her more.  But don't do more than what you can do.  God bless you.
Sara