I'm 31 and have been where you are. Abused any way you can imagine by a drug addicted father. I hated life and wanted to die in my early teens through adult years. That's when I tried drugs and loved how it gave me an escape. I didn't have to feel the emotional pain from all the years of abuse I had trapped inside! I blamed my dad for the way my life turned out and my addiction. I was heavy in my addiction for about 15 years. I had two children during that time my 9 year old daughter and 6 year old son. I swore that I would never put my kids through what I went through! So I never physically disciplined them and thought I was doing things better than what I had when in reality I was the same as my father was minus the physical abuse. It took me getting in trouble with the law and loosing custody of my kids to DHS to finally wake up and realize how messed up my life and how messed up my kids life were and it all boiled down to one thing it was actually all
My fault! I had a choice, we all have a choice! I finally had to stop blaming my dad for everything and playing the poor me victim role and realize that I have control over how my life is going to be. I finally was truly able to forgive my dad and today I can say that I understand because of my own addiction with drugs why he did the things he did. It wasn't him but the drugs and alcohol that was causing him to treat me the way he did. It's a cycle he was raised in a physically abusive home with no love at all and that was all he knew. But it's up to us to stop that cycle we have a choice!! I would highly recommend seeing a counselor or therapist! There are free or non profit counselors all over the US. I would be more than happy to help you in anyway! After all I have been through in life (the abuse I suffered as a child and teenager into my early adult life then when I was 16 I had a surgery and they messed me up by accident so for the next 3 years I spent in a hospital having over 13 surgeries and having to get if meds all the time. I lost a lot of myself after all that happened! I blamed God... How could he let an innocent child go through everything I had been through. After I finally got over all that's finally met a man. I was so screwed up from daddy issues that I didn't think I was worthy of a good guy and that no guy would ever want me! So I jumped on the first guy that showed me any attention and got pregnant by him and we ended up getting married. He cheated out whole marriage but my parents stuck it out through everything my dad had put my Mom through and he is sober today and they are happier than ever! So I thought I needed to stick it out for the kids sake but boy was I wrong! He was a user as well... Not as bad as I was though! I was so miserable at the age of 26 I had just had my son a year earlier and tried to commit suicide numerous times! We got divorced a little over 3 years ago. He is a full blown meth addict now and has nothing to do with his kids! That is very hard on them especially my daughter.. She was her daddy's world for the first 7 years of her life and now this past year her whole world has been turned upside down!! I was a stay at home mom with my kids for 8 years of their life of course their life wasn't great especially if mommy didn't have her drugs... I put a lot of the responsibility of life on my daughter when she should have been an innocent child enjoying life! I have a lot of guilt that I have to work through because of that. I look at what happened in my life and the road I took and they not only lost their mommy but also their dad. I just pray and am going to do whatever it takes to make sure her life is better and she doesn't go down the same road I did it my dad did! It's not to late to change things especially while they are still young! I lost custody and had a no contact put against me for 4 months. I am now awarded supervised visit and am hoping by the end of this month to have unsupervised! Their dad also has a no contact and hasn't spoken to or seen them in a year. He doesn't think he has a problem and doesn't want help and I understand that because I have been there. It breaks my heart to see people especially those you love lost to this disease of addiction. But today I can say that I am thankful for everything that I have gone through! It has made me who I am today and I wouldn't trade that for the world. I have a job now for the first time in 9 years and can actually say that I do love myself and I am a beautiful, strong amazing woman! It was a blessing my kids got taken from me because it made me wake up and realize what I was doing to them psychologically and emotionally. I took them for granted and will never do that again! I have been given a second chance at being a mother and a strong woman who is here to help others who have been through similar situations. Don't ever forget that your addiction and past does not define you! You have the choice to be the strong awesome person God made you to be and someday help others as well. Everything happens for a reason and we may never understand why. I am somewhat thankful that I experienced what addiction is like because it gave me the opportunity to understand what my dad went through and helped me to be able to forgive him! You can do this as long as you let God lead your life and follow his path!
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