Suicidal feelings Community
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Desperate: Why can't I get myself to do my minimal best at work?

I'm failing. At work. Again.

It's a recurring pattern for me.
I did really well in business school, worked a few years in sales for a big company until I deteriorated in my ability to focus, manage the stress and get through the monotony and seeming meaninglessness.

So I went to law school (which I'd always wanted to), and despite a brief bout with depression, I excelled.

Got hired and worked for a prestigious firm in complex business litigation.
Did ok for a year or two. Then, same thing. Just couldn't get myself to engage in the work - too stressful, too complicated, second guessed myself, couldn't make myself stay focused or care enough to get anything done.

Was fired and started my own practice. After two terrible years, I checked myself into a hospital instead of checking out permanently.

Now 3 professional sales jobs later, I just keep repeating the same pattern of starting out with good habits, motivated, trying, and then....it drops off. Like a cliff.

I lost my house to foreclosure (long story), have borrowed money from family, moved across country, and despite needing money badly to support my loving wife and 2 young girls, I can't seem to make myself do the tasks of my job.
I've tried numerous psychiatrists, medications, therapists, CBT, mindfulness, religious stuff, now hypnotherapy.

I recently began in an Emotions Anonymous group - a 12-step program like AA, but for mental/emotional health.

Day after day, week after week, now month after month, I just. can't. make. myself. work. And the guilt/shame/disappointment and fear is ******* my a little each day.

Plenty of other problems, but this is the one that's always right in front of me, always on my mind. Absolutely confounding, maddening. I don’t' get it. *** is wrong. I want to work, want to do my best. I'm not intending to place perfectionist or unrealistic expectations on myself. Just a minimally honest day's work - my own best. And I'm FAILING. Can't make myself do it for some reason. I just get distracted - I'll do anything not to engage in work - news on the web is the easiest outlet to escape.
I know this is like one long scream here - sorry about that. I'm way past the end of my rope.

I've gone into the hospital before; and am not doing it again. It may have saved my life, but it didn't help (and I am currently a pre-existing condition too).
I want to believe this can pass, that I can feel better, find a new way of living through EA, a new job, new career, etc., but I've been going round and round trying this and buckling for soooooooo long. I doubt I have the ability (courage and guts if that's the right term) to end my life - but at the same time, I am not willing to live much longer like this.
I HATE being awake. No hope. Feel no future. Only fear and pain. I know there aren't pat 'answers' to this.

The thread of perseverance from my family is thinning. I just can't go on like this forever. I think about getting in a fatal car wreck or contracting a terminal disease and how that would be so desirable. No stigma. No guilt. Just release finally.
Not sure why I'm writing this - just in the hope of connecting I guess....I do know there are many others here who have been (and are) where I'm at, some who have overcome, and others who have even more difficult real world situations.  Showing and experiencing empathy is the only thing good in the world I can point to, and it is so seldom and so frail.
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Avatar universal
I found this site by searching for self-help.  I found your post and knew I had to talk to you.  My situation has many similarities.

First and foremost, keep in mind that suicide is PERMANENT.  It is not a temporary fix.  Once you're gone there is NO coming back...period. Sure there is life after death, but do you really want to leave your loved ones?  Even if you don't love yourself, other people really do.  You just can't see it right now.  The fact that other people love me and want me to be in this world keeps me from giving into the urge to just stop existing.  

Okay, now that I'm done with my sermon, let me tell you my story.  Once upon a time, a cute little blonde haired blue-eyed girl was born to a loving married couple.  They were shocked that, after being told that my mother would never ever conceive again, she did.  I was the third and last child, the baby of the family.

My father was a police officer and my mother a sales clerk at a huge department store.  We were living at a mid-level income and had just enough to get by.  My father had polio when he was four and almost died.  It left his heart and legs weak.  He walked with braces until he was about 16. Unfortunately, he developed high blood pressure and congestive heart failure.  

By the time he was 42, he had to take an early retirement.  Years of working two to three jobs and taking care of three children, one of whom has Cerebral Palsy, took its toll on his health.  He signed retirement papers from the sheriff's department on Sunday afternoon.  

After I had gone to school, and my mother had gone to work, he showered and dressed himself.  He then took all his medications and wrote a suicide note. After calling his work, he shot himself in the heart and died from it.  

I have never gotten over it.  I was a Daddy's girl.  I had just turned 13 years old when this tragedy happened.  I still cannot understand how he could do it.  Even after all the pain and suffering I've gone through, I can't shake the pain and rejection of his actions.  That, dear one, is what keeps me from doing the same thing to my children.  

In his note, he stated that he did not want to suffer and make us suffer by seeing him ill.  He thought that he was doing us a favor.  He left my beautiful, lovely mother alone with three children, ages 13, 17, and 18.  She never remarried.  

I have not seen most of my father's side of the family since his funeral in 1985.  Twenty-eight years later, they still act like we don't exist.  Only a few of my cousins talk to me.  My grandmother, his mother, does not have a relationship with us either.

I am only 41 and have outlived most of my family.  My father died when I was 13.  I helped to take care of my mother's mother until she passed when I was 20.  When I was 24, I found my grandfather dead.  A year later, my husband had a stroked but recovered.  We lost everything and had to start over.  

I had a nervous and mental breakdown and got panic disorder.  I also suffer from major depressive disorder.  I may or may not be bipolar.  The jury is out for that matter.  (There are two types of manic depression).  We lost everything a second time three years ago and had to start over.  In the meantime, I have developed congestive heart failure just like my father.  I also have high blood pressure and severe diabetes T2.  

To add more fuel to the fire, my mother had a heart attack and a double bypass with open heart surgery.  She was also suffering from COPD from years of heavy smoking.  After surviving all that, she was diagnosed with stage III-C Ovarian Cancer.  She died in my arms in March.  

The point of my sad life story is to prove to you that suicide not only ends your own life...it deeply affects the lives of everyone around you.  It "kills" them too in so many ways.  I think that most people have had thoughts of self harm.  

Even if you don't love or like yourself enough to carry on, think of your family.  I bet my father thought that I was young enough to forget about him.  He also probably hoped that my mother would remarry and he would be replaced.  He didn't think about us.  He only thought about HIS pain, HIS suffering, HIS whatevers.  

Sure, i have battled severe depression and many thoughts of ending it.  Then, I think of all the pain and crap I've gone through because of my Daddy.  I could never, ever do that to my children.  

Please, find out what is hurting you so much and why you are self-destructing at every chance.  You must feel guilty about something.  Get to the heart of the matter.  To the world, you might be one person.  But to one person, you are the world.
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