I'm failing. At work. Again.
It's a recurring pattern for me.
I did really well in business school, worked a few years in sales for a big company until I deteriorated in my ability to focus, manage the stress and get through the monotony and seeming meaninglessness.
So I went to law school (which I'd always wanted to), and despite a brief bout with depression, I excelled.
Got hired and worked for a prestigious firm in complex business litigation.
Did ok for a year or two. Then, same thing. Just couldn't get myself to engage in the work - too stressful, too complicated, second guessed myself, couldn't make myself stay focused or care enough to get anything done.
Was fired and started my own practice. After two terrible years, I checked myself into a hospital instead of checking out permanently.
Now 3 professional sales jobs later, I just keep repeating the same pattern of starting out with good habits, motivated, trying, and then....it drops off. Like a cliff.
I lost my house to foreclosure (long story), have borrowed money from family, moved across country, and despite needing money badly to support my loving wife and 2 young girls, I can't seem to make myself do the tasks of my job.
I've tried numerous psychiatrists, medications, therapists, CBT, mindfulness, religious stuff, now hypnotherapy.
I recently began in an Emotions Anonymous group - a 12-step program like AA, but for mental/emotional health.
Day after day, week after week, now month after month, I just. can't. make. myself. work. And the guilt/shame/disappointment and fear is ******* my a little each day.
Plenty of other problems, but this is the one that's always right in front of me, always on my mind. Absolutely confounding, maddening. I don’t' get it. *** is wrong. I want to work, want to do my best. I'm not intending to place perfectionist or unrealistic expectations on myself. Just a minimally honest day's work - my own best. And I'm FAILING. Can't make myself do it for some reason. I just get distracted - I'll do anything not to engage in work - news on the web is the easiest outlet to escape.
I know this is like one long scream here - sorry about that. I'm way past the end of my rope.
I've gone into the hospital before; and am not doing it again. It may have saved my life, but it didn't help (and I am currently a pre-existing condition too).
I want to believe this can pass, that I can feel better, find a new way of living through EA, a new job, new career, etc., but I've been going round and round trying this and buckling for soooooooo long. I doubt I have the ability (courage and guts if that's the right term) to end my life - but at the same time, I am not willing to live much longer like this.
I HATE being awake. No hope. Feel no future. Only fear and pain. I know there aren't pat 'answers' to this.
The thread of perseverance from my family is thinning. I just can't go on like this forever. I think about getting in a fatal car wreck or contracting a terminal disease and how that would be so desirable. No stigma. No guilt. Just release finally.
Not sure why I'm writing this - just in the hope of connecting I guess....I do know there are many others here who have been (and are) where I'm at, some who have overcome, and others who have even more difficult real world situations. Showing and experiencing empathy is the only thing good in the world I can point to, and it is so seldom and so frail.