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1375163 tn?1278704843

feel like there is point in living if can't have children...

I'm new to this forum, but I just don't have anyone to talk to.
I had a breakdown at work today. I went outside and completely bawled. The kind of sobbing where I had to gasp for air. I have been trying to conceive with my husband for 2 years now. I'm only in my 20s and never thought this would be an issue. But we did IVF (in vitro fertilization where they fertilize the egg and sperm and put it back in the uterus) and it failed last month. I already feel period cramps and bloating and all that 3 days after the transfer and I know its going to fail because thats what it did last month. I had the same symptoms. This time we had better embryos and put in 3. But that means nothing apparently.

I don't smoke, drink or do drugs. But God won't let me have a baby. We can't even afford adoption costs (we already been to an agency). I see women who smoke and drink and are like 14 and have babies and I just can't take it. At work my coworkers are pregnant and I have to listen to them and it hurts more and more. I can't pass a pregnant woman or a baby.

I already am diagnosed with bipolar and PTSD so dealing with this doesn't make it any easier. Last month I pulled my bottle of pills out and dumped it on the table and wanted to swallow all of them. I can't see living anymore if I can't have children. I have to live the rest of my life in agony because I am flawed because my body just won't have a baby. I have to live the rest of my life seeing pregnant women and knowing I will never have the chance to say "I'm pregnant!" two words I want so desperately to say. My husband works out of town and is gone for days at a time and I have no friends here because I stayed here after marrying my husband and getting out of the Army. I lost all my friends. They are hundreds of miles away and don't even talk to me anymore.

This *****.
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Avatar universal
I know you may not want to hear this but it may not be your time. I have 2 little girls and I can honestly say that I know these two children were meant to be in my life. I concieved at the EXACT moment that I was supposed to... These 2 little girls... and only these 2. Everything happens when & why it is supposed to happen. You are still young. There is no reason for you to worry! When it is time for your child to be concieved, It will happen. And not one moment before! When I look in my daughters eyes, I know that everything happened on time. When it was meant. I cannot imagine it happening sooner or later because if it did, I may not have my Lilly...It would not be her! Or my Angie....It may have been 2 totally different children. This may sound crazy but when you do give birth, you will understand EXACTLY what im talking about. You will have such a bond with your baby, you could not imagine it being anyone else but him/her. If I had gotten pregnant the first few times I tried, I may not have gotten my Lilly or my Angie... I may have gotten 2 different kids. And at the time, that would have been fine by me. But now that I know these 2, and I am COMPLETELY SURE that they were the ones I was meant to have, I cannot imagine it being any different. I dont know if you will get what im trying to say but when it happens for you, there will be no doubt that you have been given the one who was meant to be born..... and none other than.....

It hurts me hear you being so distraught by things not happening exactly when you want them. Your only in your 20's! This is not something that you should be obsessing over to the extent that you are... All things that we appreciate are ones we have waited for. The same will apply to the birth of your child. I tried for a couple years and I nearly went nuts thinking something was WRONG with me!!!! Boy was I wrong... It just wasn't my time! So I trusted God. And I waited. I knew that what was meant to be would be... And the same goes for you. Stop toturing yourself enjoy the love you and your husband share! The love between you both will carry you through.  And when you learn to relax and allow your body to function without stress, your chances of becoming pregnant will be much greater. If you feel like dying because of this, you cant think that your emotions are stable enough to become pregnant or even be ready for this major life altering event. If you are emotionally unstable, and depressed, it may be a good idea to give yourself some time to work on things. Your mental state may be preventing you from concieving. Are you aware that certain chemicals in your brain are resposible for many bodily functions and some have a direct effect on what happens within your body? You should give that some thought. Relax, appreciate and enjoy the love you have found and trust that your body will follow. I bet that as soon as you stop obsessing and driving yourself crazy, your mind will tell your body that external circumstances are ok and that it is safe to house a baby... You may be doing yourself more harm by allowing this to take over your mind!  Our bodies are completely self-sufficient and if your brain feels that there is something wrong, your body will listen. So relax your mind and allow nature to run it's course. You cannot avoid pregnant women or resent them for something that is out of their control. When it is your time to be a mother, it will happen. And it will be a very joyous time for the both of you. But until then, you can not punish yourself or those around you by being overwhelmed & consumed with your thoughts of suicide because you are not getting exactly what you want exactly when and how you want it. You will only suffer. And I really hope that you can get a grip on the depression because if you take a look at your post again, you will see that there is something rooted much deeper than just not concieving when you want to... When you concieve and give birth to your baby, I guarantee that you would not want your baby to be left alone with the person who wrote that post. The one who has a bottle of pills and might be so upset one day that she decides to take them all...Do you see what i'm getting at? There may be a few things that you need to work on before you're capable of being there 100% and are able to handle the changes and responsibility of bringing another life into the world. If what you were looking for was honesty...here's mine. I hope you can look deeper at what needs to happen in order for you to be ok. And I don't think a baby is the ANSWER to your suffering. Please don't place your happiness upon being able to concieve when you would like to.  A baby should not be born into this world as a solution to somebodies depression. It's not fair and once you do finally have one, you will see exactly what I am talking about. I hope that I have allowed you to see the other side of things, as I was once in your position and upon looking back, realized how selfish I was being. When I learned to relax and trust in my body, I think my mind felt at ease and told my body that it was ok to set all systems at go! you would be surprised at how much influence your mind has over your body and what goes on within us. Best wishes in all that you do... I hope all your deepest wishes and desires come true for you someday. Be at peace within yourself and allow yourself to be happy at any cost... May God Bless You and your family...
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Avatar universal
Everything happens for a reason.  There will be some reason why this is happening to you now at this point in your life.

The breakdown sounds about grief and loss.  While the symptoms may be similar they may be representative of something else.  If you have concerns you should contact someone from your treatment team.  You will know who you need to talk too.
If the egg is still viable this excess stress may be harmful.  You need to find out either way.  I understand there is a process.  Someone once advised me about keeping reality in perspective.

I understand how difficult this time is for you.  I am not in a relationship due to some mental health issues I have and every time I see children laughing and playing, etc I feel a great sense of loss.  My sister is currently eight weeks pregnant (she found out during an ultrasound to see why she couldn't conceive).  I'm ecstatic for her yet at the same time feel depressed.  

Maybe you are putting too much pressure on yourself to have a child.  You are not flawed.  There are many reasons why women can not conceive.
Have you had a thorough evaluation as to why you can't conceive?  I was just wondering if your military history had something to do with it.  Could this be something that could self-correct over time?  I'm just wondering.  My intention is not to give you any sense of false hope.

I would follow up and see whether the IVF has failed.  I have heard that people can have many unsuccessful  IVF attempts.  One (or two), while heart-wrenching and costly is still low.

I would talk to your therapist and/ or doctor.  Assuming that you are receiving support for your mh issues.  If not, you should be.

If you have a problem with your meds, etc you need to give them to your husband or ask for them to be controlled.

I personally feel like you need a truck load of support through this and feel that you should be asking for additional support.

Life never seems fair.

I would also encourage you to check out some of the other forums and see if you can find a support community for people going through ivf.  I think people with first hand experience will be better able to relate and support.

I hope things are still OK.  If you need to talk feel free to post here.

Good luck and best wishes.  
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