suicidal idea

[lina123]

hello
i am 43.i have a suicidal idea.my situation is very bad.my family aren't supportive.they just blame me.they don't underestand my condition.i have one friend that is living in the other city.i am living with my mother.she is 80.i am so worried about her.i have a fear and sense of hopelessness and helplessness.i feel trapped.

[pixe11]

hiya . i have bi poluar and personallity disorder with pyscois,i bein in and out of hospitail. threw od,, i feel thta the strain on me im not going to cope, my friend is due a bypasss soon, im already feeeling down,im under the mental health, on **** loads of tablets, suiside is never far from me ,wat else can i do bein to the doc , just more tablets, i feel like crap, any comments i feel the shame when i cut , as though i should,all they say its a release, and its ok , ,thanks

[mopa]

Hi Lina,

Please see a psychotherapist, this will help you greatly, everyone has a bad day, has some problems in their life, no one is perfect. I used to think about killing myself in the past, more than once or twice, but seeing a therapist after my father died has helped me a lot. Remember, there are a lot of people who love and care about you.

I wish you much love and happiness! ;)

[Jaquta]

Good luck!  I hope you find something that helps you in the direction you want to be going.

[lina123]

thank you so much for your advices.they are very helpful.
thanks.

[Jaquta]

You're welcome.  Therapy can make a huge difference.  I have had problems with loss, shame and guilt.  Talking these over with a good therapist makes a huge difference.
It's also never too late to try and change.

[lina123]

well i have lost my opportunities due to loss of my self-esteem.i wasn't successful in my life.because i am always feeling that i am a weak person and i can't do any work correctly.the origin of my thought is my family.so i become angry and sad.
i will try to find a psychotherapist if i can.
thank you so much.

[Jaquta]

Nothing is destroyed, or at least, not to the point where it can't be rebuilt.
Your parents don't have that control over you now.  You have probably become your own worst enemy, like a lot of us, who internalize a lot of the negative criticism.  We no longer need others to do it for us as we do it to ourselves.

I think you should try and access a psychotherapist to help you work through some of your emotional issues.  By talking through them with a therapist you can leave a lot of them in the past and move forward.  I have found it helpful (when I have had a good therapist).

Is this more about missed opportunities and losses?  Or something else?  Why does it make you feel so angry and sad and hurt so much?

[lina123]

i can't reduce the amount of stress or pressure.sometimes i play computer games or read an article in internet.well i am not able to solve my problem.i feel that my mind is concrete.
this originates from my family.because my father was very strict.i think that my family destroyed my self-eseem.
i have always scared to be friend with my classmates.because my parents didn't like it.i have always scared of go out.because my parents didn't like it.my home has been a real prison for me.
the biggest my fault was this that i returned home after graduation of university.i was free of this horrible family.but everything is destroyed.
i went to university for getting rid of that terrible situation.

[Jaquta]

I think many of us here, though not all, have experienced long periods of unwellness.  I think after a while you start to lose hope and feel so worn that it takes a lot to muster any kind of enthusiasm or motivation to make changes.  I personally have felt incredibly defeated by all my efforts at change.  And I chastise myself for not being smarter and making better decisions for myself.

I'm not familiar with dystonia (although I did have a dystonic reaction when in hospital).
It doesn't sound like something anybody would want though.
Is your cousin in a nursing home, at home?  She should be speaking to someone about how she feels.
I had an extended family member who had a condition similar in some respects to motor neuron disease.  He starved himself to death.

I think many of us are the same.  I think it is more socially acceptable for us to be positive and say that yes there is hope.  And there is hope.  While we have life there is hope (of change, of bettering ourselves, of living the life we want to live).
I also think that sometimes it is easier to nurture others than ourselves.  It is easier to forgive and show compassion to others than it is to ourselves.
With others it is also easier to be a little more objective.  Maybe because we can offer advice but it is not our responsibility to make those changes.

Someone once called me Pollyanna.  I guess I don't like seeing others suffer plus it allows me to remain in denial of my own issues.  I guess if I spent a fraction of the time on me, that I spend talking to others, I would likely learn some very important things.
Funny how working on ourselves seems too painful.

Probably my family too.  While they say it was not our fault (that we are like we are), it is our responsibility to change.  That always seems unfair but it is our life and therefore our responsibility to make it better and to make it work for us.

Are there any steps you can take to reduce the amount of stress or pressure you're under?  Are you able to problem solve aspects of your situation?

[lina123]

thank you so much.well i want to talk to people here.i have had very bad days for many years.i have lived with worried,fear,hoplessness and helplessness.not only for some days or some months but also for many years.
i saw my cousin last night.she has a dystonia.she said to me that i have a suicidal idea.
i said to her don't give up.there is hope.then i said to myself why i have a suicidal idea.i should say to people that don't give up.what happened for me?
i think that the root of my problems is in my family.they caused this situation for me.

[Jaquta]

Hi.  Dr Gould (doctor on the mental health and emotional eating expert forums) shared this with me.  Just realized I had changed it a bit.  It was better before I changed it.

1.  Pause
2.  Why am I feeling so powerless
3.  Remind myself I am not powerless I have just not yet decided to take the actions I need to make my life work.

This was regarding food but I think it can work for just about anything.  I guess a part of it is about trying to gain control in that moment.  To gain insight into what is driving the behavior.  You could substitute suicidal thoughts for food.

This probably could work for me too.
I'm feeling suicidal.  Stop.  
1.  Pause.  
2.  Why am I feeling so powerless?  I feel bad because I sabotaged myself (again).  I feel useless, hopeless and feel like I'll never be able to change and succeed in life.  I feel powerless because I am unable to access support that I feel will help me move in the direction I want too.  I feel powerless because I am experiencing a lot of intense emotions that I don't understand.  I feel powerless because I feel rejected by my doctor.  I feel that if my doctor truly cared that he would have helped me before now.  I feel powerless because I don't have good social skills and I don't understand boundaries (which keep changing) in relationships.
I feel powerless about most things in my life at the moment.  I even feel powerless to kill myself.  (Which is probably a good thing.)
3.  Remind myself I am not powerless.  "I am not powerless."  "I have just not yet decided to take the actions I need to make my life work."

I can make baby steps and maybe this will give me the momentum I need to make bigger changes.  If I don't look too hard at the bigger picture I can see that achieving small goals can help me to get where I want.  I don't have to have everything different today (although that would be nice) but if I am open and honest I can learn and grow.
I may not see the changes I want now but as with everything it is a process.  Process can't always be rushed.  A bit like a chrysalis -it's a process.

This is one way I interpret what the doctor shared.  

If anyone has any questions about mental health or emotional eating he would be a good person to ask.

[shaz853]

I agree with Jaquta the feelings do pass so don't lose hope and it really helps to talk about them. I found the support on here really helped my suicidal feelings and thoughts so keep talking even if it is on here, people here really understand how you feel, so keep talking it does work, believe me i have been there.

[Jaquta]

Hi lina123.  It is never nice to feel trapped and powerless.

Are you receiving support from a mental health service?  If you are feeling that bad you should at least take the time to speak to a psychiatrist.  There are often support services they can put in place to help you through this difficult time.

Talking through some of your thoughts and feelings with a psychotherapist may also help.

It's evident you care a great deal for your mother?  Is she unwell?

Talking is often a good way for us to feel better.  (I vented quite badly last night to one of the experts.  I felt much better afterwards.)
If you are able to talk to a therapist that would be best but if you want to talk here there are people who will listen.

One of the doctors shared something with me.  I wrote it down somewhere.  I'll get it later and type it out for you.  It helped me to feel not quite so stuck and left me feeling at least a little bit in control.

These feelings do pass.  Life does get better.