Hi. My flight home was good. A bit rough coming in to land but otherwise pretty perfect.
I didn't get any sleep that night so was feeling pretty shattered. Is good to be home.
My GP left me a short e-mail, on the day I arrived, so that left me feeling ?confused.
It rehashed a lot of the negative feelings for me which I had been hiding well. I thought it was nice that he took the time and made the effort to respond (even if it would have been better during all the stress and drama).
I,m ok, therapy seems to be helping at last, he actually knows what he is doing for a change, and i feel he understands me more i don't have to try and tell him as much. We are working on emotions, its helping a bit.
Its good your GP left you an e-mail it shows he cares. Are you nervous about the review?
I got accepted for my course i thought i had messed it up at the interview, but they accepted me, i'm not sure now if i want to do it or not.
Hope you are well, have a good day, take care.
My review isn't for another week so aren't stressing about that now. Maybe later in the week. =)
The course will be better if you want to do it and are able to do it. Looking after your granddaughter will be an added challenge. I hope all is still well there.
It's good if you feel that therapy is helping. That will help you connect better with your T.
I feel my therapist is listening more, i think now that he knows exactly what is wrong with me, so he knows what to do now. He asked me to allow him into to my world because he knows i haven't put him there, only i am in my world, he said he can help me and he is trying to understand me but he said i need to put him in my world so that i don't feel so alone, i said i will. Then i met him in town yesterday and he never spoke so i thought so much for me letting you in my world, but i am trying to not feel so much rejected by him, i am trying to look at it a different way like he told me to do, my son was there so was his daughter so neither of us were in a position to speak.
I am anxious about the responsibilty of the new baby when my daughter goes back to school, some days i can hardly get myself out of bed and my partner isn't willing to help with the baby but i will see how it goes. I don't cope well with stress though.
I hope all is well with you and i hope you have a good day. Take care
Just remember that that world is only in regards to therapy. Outside of therapy they have a right to be themselves. Outside of therapy you aren't really in their world (or are only as much as they allow you to be). It all gets crazy difficult to understand.
If it is too much for you then can't you insist that your daughter take more care/ responsibility for her??
I had to take the cat to the vet today. Mum is not pleased. She thought that Dad should have drowned it or banged it on the head.
Yeah i know what world he means but a hi wouldn't have killed him, anyway i'm not too stressed about it which is good.
What is wrong with the cat?
I didn't sleep so good i spent all day yesterday in another world, i find it very scary i didn't feel real and i didn't feel that the people around me were real i thought i was going mad, i kept thinking i was going to disappear, have you ever felt like that.
I took the baby for a while this morning so my daughter could sleep but she has the baby now and i am going to town, my social worker is also supposed to call today but you never know with her.
I hope you have a good day, take care.
The cat had an infected claw. They had to amputate its toe.
I didn't sleep so well either. I see my doctor today.
I don't feel as though I am about to disappear but I do sometimes get a sense that things seem unreal. This mainly happens when I am severely stressed. I try to relax but sometimes it can be hard too. Sometimes I just get the spaced out feeling from being stressed and anxious and overwhelmed.
Will do. Did you say on another forum that you were told you had a personality disorder? Did they finally tell you?
Yeah, i never got the chance to tell you. He told me i had severe personality issues so i let it go for a while then i asked him, is that the same as having a personality disorder and he said yes but he said he didn't want to label me as that wouldn't be helpful, i asked him which one did i have i told him i had looked it up but he wouldn't tell me he just kept saying i have difficulty regulating and recognizing my emotions i am implusive espically when i get to many emotions or get stressed he said the thats the way i react to everything i over react and do things i shouldn't, he also said i lack a sense of self i am whoever others want me to be which is why i don't mix with people because i don't know whats expected of me, i have great difficulty with relationships espically with my partner and my family, and i don't have friends so we don't know about that, i am extremely sensitive to rejection and critisicm which is why he hasn't referred me on yet.
I also have the suicidal thoughts and urges, so to me i seem to fit the critera for BPD but he won't tell me, i also asked the psychiatrist and he said that it wouldn't be helpful to label me either, so i asked them do they really know whats wrong with me at all and my therapist told me to just try and accept that i have a personality disorder and that i have always been like this so i don't see my way of thinking as wrong, he kind of made me angry thats another issue i have, anger over the slightest comment. Anyway he said he will help me prepare for psychotherapy, and the psychiatrist said the same that i need the therapist i have for now.
All this happened when you were away i never got to tell you, i missed that.
After they told me all this therapy seems to be working better, he seems to know what he is doing and he asked me to always tell him what i need to instead of keeping it to myself and reacting to it when i leave.
I am really stressed i am trying to be there for everyone and i'm trying to be a normal parent but its hard i'm so tired, my parents aren't speaking to me at all and the police are hassling me for a name and i am trying to keep it all under control, my partner and i fight all the time and i just feel like walking out or screaming at them will you help me, but i won't, it seems when i need them they back of but when i pretend i am ok they are there for me, by them i mean my therapist and social worker she never called today but i don't care anymore, i am trying to not need them.
I don't feel real today either it probably is stress i need to let it out probably, i can't even cry anymore for months i cried everytime i thought of leaving my therapist now its like who cares, no tears.
Is the cat ok?
I hope all is well with you, sorry for going on as usual. Take care enjoy your day.
The cats OK, thanks for asking. I had it desexed at the same time and it had eight babies. That's a lot of unwanted kittens to have had to feed.
I'm sorry I didn't spend more time with my e-mails, etc. I couldn't reasonably access these forums on my sister's work computer though. She was uncomfortable with me doing that. She doesn't care and doesn't understand.
I would find that aggravating being told but not being told. You have a personality disorder or PD, but we won't tell you which one. The point of that exactly is?
I understand about the labelling but the rejection, etc at having stuff withheld is as damaging, if not more so.
It sounds as though you may have pushed stuff away a bit. Even with the new T its not like you'll never see your T. You mention seeing him a bit out of office.
I know i don't get it either i have a right to know and it makes me a bit untrusting of them when they won't tell me.
Its like they think i won't cope with what they tell me, then they just go ahead and treat me without really telling me much.
Its ok about the e-mails, my partner is the same he doesn't care much either.
Maybe when i get the new therapist he will tell me more.
I feel i have backed away from them which works for a while but all the tension still builds inside and then it will all come out again, i don't know what to do.
My social worker was supposed to call yesterday but she didn't and she hasn't called today either, i hate that.
My partner and i have been fighting alot and i got a long talk from my therapist on not being impulsive and to not make major choices now, they were meaning to not leave my partner.
I see him alot outside his office he lives five minutes from me and passes the place where i live everyday, i sometimes see him when i take my children to school.
i see the support worker from woman's aid tomorrow, its good with her as she treats me like every other person not someone with a mental health illness, my therapist and social worker are quick to blame my mental health for all my problems, thats like saying that i'm to blame for all that goes wrong.
I didn't sleep well last night again and being tired makes me feel worse.
Did you keep all the kittens?
I hope you have a good day today. Take care
The kittens were put down or dead. We don't need more cats.
With the mental illness stuff it is not you, it is an illness. My GP will often distinguish between me and the behavior and the illness. Sometimes I think it is OK to say that our behavior is affected by our condition. Don't you feel that sometimes?
They're not blaming us they're blaming the disorder. Having a PD can just make you all feel bad though. For me it killed my chances of ever being perfect which subconsciously was important to me.
I agree, our behavior can be affected by the illness, i would say my anger is really affected by it, the rejection part is the worst part for me. I guess its ok to think that our behavior is affected by the illness then i know i'm not just all bad. I went to sleep really depressed i was thinking about my parents and how they ignore me now and i was thinking of my life as a child and it made me feel worse. I think i have to accept that they don't want me anymore.
I am meeting with the support worker this morning but i'm not in the mood i am tired and just want to sleep. My social worker called yesterday but i missed her call, she left a message, she will call today.
Can i just say no one is perfect, even those who think they are aren't, you are a good person and you have alot of good qualities, you are great at helping better that is a great thing to be able to do.
I always felt that i had to try to be perfect but this was pressure from other people but no matter what i do i will never be good enough for everyone, another reason i don't bother with people, like having a mental illness my parents were disappointed and having a child when i was 17 was the ultimate sin but anyway. I believe they played a big part in my mental health and i have had some disturbing nightmares lately about my family i really hope they are only nightmares and not memories.
I hope you have a good day. Take care
I think that's why people hold off labeling as people with bpd then perceive it as a rejection or perceive themselves as being all bad.
It took me a long time to accept that even just a little part of me may be OK. I think posting (on another list) helped and where people pointed out my weakness (bpd and mental illness) was actually a strength (helped me to empathize, etc with others).
I know that no one is perfect. That doesn't mean that I don't want to win or do something better or faster than someone else. Or be the best at something (other than being disruptive or a failure).
I think I have internalized others values and need for perfection. I think in my family that status was important and that is why needing to be perfect or accepted or acceptable was so important.
It says a lot about your parents too. Were they embarrassed or ashamed of you? What did having a child when you were so young mean to them?
Dreams can become confusing and need to be worked through in therapy although this too may not be entirely accurate. They seem to be on your mind a lot at the moment. Why is that?
Hi, therapy didn't go so good today i was very emotional for no reason, i felt he was a bit of as well. We talked about rejection again, and trying to describe emotions again. He asked why i never made friends i said why bother, every one lets me down eventually.
I don't see you as being a failure you have many good points, it is good to aim higher though its good to want to be better than what we are. I always felt i needed to be perfect it was expected of me which is why i kept the panic and anxiety to myself for years i would go shopping with my mum and i would panic and i couldn't even tell her she would complain that i was weak, she said i was pathetic for needing a therapist. I went back to college when i was 26 and done really well, i got accepted in to uni and she said its a pity it had to be me that got the place as i obviously couldn't go she said it would have been better if my brother had got the place that hurts alot.
They were ashamed that i got pregnant at 17 and i wasn't married then i made it worse by breaking up with him and meeting the partner i have now and had more children to him that is the ultimate sin in their eyes, to them i am a failure and an embarassment. Every pregnancy i had since i felt ashamed to be pregnant.
I have alot of strange and disturbing dreams some of the stuff i know happened but i have a dream come back that i had when i was a child i even feel pain in the dream which scares me as i now think it could have actually happened otherwise how would i know what that type of pain felt like.
I can't really talk about it in therapy because my therapist is trying to keep me calm and not talk about that stuff he would prefer me to do that when i go to psychotherapy.
I see my social worker tomorrow i could really do with seeing her, i don't feel so good, the tension sort of bubbles away underneath all the time, i can't understand why the feelings don't go away.
The panic attacks have increased too much to deal with and then it gets so bad i feel not real which is just as scary.
I find it hard to know what to say to people to help them sometimes i say nothing.
It was a stressful day i am very tired the plumber rang me at 7.30am to come and fix the heating then i took the kids to school then i saw my therapist at 9.30 and now i,m so tired.
I hope you have a good day today. Take care
Hi. I'm really not in the mood to chat today. There are big storms coming over (the size of Australia) which doesn't make it an ideal time either. Just hope we don't get any of those tornadoes. I hope the weather isn't too harsh because I don't think our animals would stand up to it.
The power went out just as I was about to log off. Bummer! I don't think the storm was as bad as it could have been. Hopefully the weather won't be too bad today and tomorrow. Thank goodness it wasn't the day of my review. I would have hated to have had to drive for six hours in the wind and rain.
Sorry for not wanting to talk, not sure what's going on. ?PMT. ?stress from the review. ??being home.
Its ok if you don't want to talk, maybe its the stress of the review, thats far to drive. I hope it goes ok for you after waiting this long for it, i'm sure your anxious about the outcome i would be afraid that after waiting so long that they were going to let me down again, but maybe they won't and they will help like they are supposed to.
I was with my social worker today, she asked me why did i hate myself so much i said i don't know i just do so she was trying to get me to think of something i like about myself but i said i don't have one, she asked about any friends i have and what do they like about me, i told her i have no friends because people always let me down, just a bad day and left feeling even worse when i realized i really don't have any friends and no one really does like me, its kind of depressing.
I told my partner that if people don't like me that from now on i would give them reason not to like me i will be the ***** they already think i am.
So now i have to try and replace my negative thoughts about myself with positive ones, great something to fail at.
She asked me my suicide risk i told her it sits on 6 or 7 out of 10 but if someone says the wrong thing it goes to 10 very quick, but what can they do.
I also realized that being impulsiveness just doesn't mean the suicidal stuff, i am totally impulsive when i speak without thinking, when i call my partner every name i can think of, when i loose my temper and smash stuff, when i want to move house just there and then, i find it hard to keep my opinions to myself, i have terrible road rage, not surprised no one likes me, here i was thinking i wasn't an extreme person.
I have learnt alot about myself lately, then she asks me who would i like to be instead of being several different people just to suit whoever i am with, i have no idea, that didn't help me. I am tired tonight and should be in bed but i'm just in that strange mood where i am trying to be normal and not over react to nothing like i normally do.
I hope you have a good day and try not to worry about the review but i am sure you will it would be hard not to. Take care
It's not that I don't want to talk but that I feel so tired. I more anxious about the review and having my history rehashed. I'll worry about the outcome later -maybe Tuesday or Thursday.
I think we like ourselves but the problem is that we feel such a sense of shame. Our sensitivity can lead us to perceive other peoples reactions as rejecting and this can reinforce negative feelings. Try hating yourself around someone who listens, shows you respect and is optimistic, encouraging and hopeful.
You don't consider me, or others here, as friends? It's a different kind of friendship and relationship but surely it matters for now. The good thing is that we can come and go as we please and how our life journey dictates.
When I was with my sister she spoke to her friends a bit. I don't think it's that I don't have friends but that I don't have real or tangible friends. That people who I choose to share stuff with, and who care and understand, are people on the net. I have found a lot more real people on the net. In life, we don't always get to know people as well or as deeply. Some we do but not all.
I like you. I like that you are open and receptive to things. I like that you are able to explore things that are said and don't just rubbish them. I like that you are kind, caring and considerate. I like that you are grateful. Often you would thank me for posts when no thanks were necessary or you would ask about me when we were talking about you. You are not that self-centered that you can't think of others. Mental illness can make us self-centered as often we can feel like we are struggling for our own existence and survival. I like that you are able to show some of your vulnerability. There's a lot to like about you.
Sometimes I do feel frustrated when talking to you but I know that my own situation plays a huge part in that and is not due to you. Maybe sometimes I even feel a little frustrated at the support I perceive you are receiving. Sometimes I wish I could have that for myself. I did have some of that support once though.
One thing that does bother me, and I have told you this and know that it is your choice, is the stuff with the police. Sometimes I wish you would either just give them a name or back off and accept responsibility. It is easy for me to judge though without being in your situation or with your personal experiences. I do try to support you in your decision as best I can though. I want what is best for you and I accept that you know what that is or what that is at this time.
A friend will even tell you stuff that they think that you might not want to hear.
Don't be someone you're not. I don't think many people even take the time to group people into those they like or dislike. Many people like a lot of people and don't discriminate or perceive things the way we do.
Practice makes perfect. Maybe try and re-frame it as an opportunity. Even our mistakes teach us something. Use it as something empowering and constructive.
She can help to support you and to teach you new skills and ways to cope and to be there for you when you do need help.
I once knew a person with mild bpd who thought that I was messed up. My diagnosis at the time had been severe depression and anxiety, no personality stuff. Anyway, she would tell me stories about how she went after her ex-with a stanley blade. And I'm more messed up than that? But you tried to physically kill someone and your unborn baby? If I were to look at my own behavior at times I guess it would be considered a bit out there. Just funny that that other person thought that she was normal.
Impulsiveness can be around food, speeding, spending, sex, etc. Running away is impulsive.
Probably you would like to be you but without all the dysfunctional behavior. If you were to try and visualize an ideal life those might be some of the qualities you would want or want to strive towards. Stability is key I think. Stable family, job, weight, relationships, etc, etc.
Here i go again but thankyou for that it really helped. I do consider you as a friend i should have said that its just hard because its on here i have no friends here where i live, i think thats what i meant, you truly understand me and thats strange for me because no one really does. I try to be caring and considerate so i'm glad you think i am that way, i feel that way about you also i think the way you put the things out there and you are honest even if its not what i want to hear, i really appreciate honesty, i feel my therapist sometimes just tells me what i want to hear to keep me calm. My social worker is alot more honest she tells me like it is sometimes i don't like that but it does help in other ways.
I think i learnt from my mistakes in the running away part, i really don't want to do that again so i have learnt that if i call my therapist or social worker they can help, even if i still want to run away after i have talked to them. If i really thought about it i can be impulsive alot, i comfort eat alot i am a stone heavier than i was last year i need to do something about it.
The thing with the police i agree with you and i would probably feel the same if it were someone else i just can't give his name i don't trust them to deal with it properly i feel she will use it against me. I wanted them to find the person who assaulted me last October i never wanted them to find this other person, the thing is he used to be a friend that i worked with, we went to a party and it went from there i never wanted to have sex with him but everyone knows we were close and i am afraid they would tell her this and that she wouldn't believe me. The way she treated me over the other assault was terrible she accused me of having an affair, the day it tried to kill myself she implied that i was a way with another man, i wonder what is in her head, i asked her why she thought this of me and she said i treat everyone like this she said i need to be sure you are telling the truth, a social worker was at the interview and put in a complaint about her, she then told my therapist who also wrote to her and so did the psychiatrist, i think she is trying to use my mental health against me and my therapist tried so hard to explain to her that i am quiet that i don't give much away because the way i talked to them made them think i was hiding something, i feel very let down by them, i was mis- trusting of people before she made it worse. She also told me i should access my notes from my therapist so she made me wonder what he had written about me.
My therapist told me to see a solicitor about the police and he told me to write a letter of complaint about them, in a way i don't want to get her in trouble but the other side is she caused me alot of hassle, if they decide to investigate it my therapist and psychiatrist will be interviewed about it, i feel bad about that for putting them out like that but then again i think well they did hand over my notes.
I would like to be stable and i would like to keep the part of me that is determined to get better or just get on with my life without depending on my therapist or social worker.
I always assumed that my behavior was normal but my therapist tells me its not he said my thinking is distorted and your right about other people they probably don't think like this they don't really care if other people like them or not.
He also said when other people get upset they cry or talk about it he said they don't run away like i do or think about killing themselves so i guess he is right.
I wish it hadn't taken them so long to find out what was wrong with me i feel so many years were wasted because i have always been so stressed and depressed and it just got worse.
Will someone go to the review with you? That would be hard going through all that stuff again, will they tell you gp the outcome or tell you directly?
I know it seems i have alot of support but i don't feel that way, maybe i am wrong, i sort of feel my therapist is stuck with me and now he knows i have a personality disorder he is even more stuck with me as he doesn't want to reject me. My social worker is genuine but very busy and in reality i would need her more than once a week but thats the way it it, i am glad i have them though in a crisis they are calm and thats what i need, i am afraid of loosing them as well though i would never cope without them and sometimes i allow myself to open up to them and other times i shut of because i am afraid of getting hurt by them or rejected that would totally destroy me, but i guess not everyone thinks like that, right?
I am taking my grandaughter shopping today in the hope i will feel better, i woke up very depressed and those familiar feelings and thoughts came rushing back, i hate it.
I hope you have a good day and get some sleep and try not to stress too much about the review, it could go well and i hope it will. Take care
It's a lot of information to respond too. Would you mind terribly if I didn't? I get the sense that you need validating and nurturing and being held. I feel selfish in just needing to hold myself together. At the moment I fear the depth of the emotional content. I have pushed stuff away in order for me to cope and the truth is that I don't want to feel some of that stuff. I don't want to have to connect to some of the emotional stuff I would need to in order to offer you even just a little of what you need.
I too wish things had of been sorted long ago. For me that is early childhood.
My parents offered to drive me but I think I need that time to/ for myself. The report will go back to my mhs as they are funding it. My GP should also get a copy.
The thing is that we get hurt a lot and we still bounce back. Sometimes it can take us a while but we always do. Saying goodbye to people will be hard but they will be replaced by others. Just like when people die, life goes on.
Just getting out of the house will help you to feel as though you have done or achieved something. Doing, or participating, is a good thing (providing it's positive).
I'll try not to stress too much about it all. Thanks for your kind words and concern.
Its ok i don't want you to feel that you need to respond to everything i write, i understand you are struggling yourself and i probably seem selfish for writing so much but i really don't expect you to respond to it all i think it helps me just by writing it down, you need to do what is best for you and take care of yourself.
I hope tomorrow goes well and i will be thinking of you.
My daughter is really struggling at the minute i am going to speak to her health visitor tomorrow, i suffered from depression after she was born and i don't want her to go the same way i am really trying for her i am trying to help as much as i can. I am going to send her back to school a week earlier than planned in the hope that her friends can help her more than i can and she needs to feel normal.
I took her baby to church today it has a calming effect on me and the sermon was on that god sees what is on the inside where others judge us on the outside i thought it was very suitable to me.
I am going to call my social worker tomorrow and tell her to book some respite for me i am feeling the need to get away and my partner says i have that look in my eyes again where all is not right.
To make it worse some drunk man thought he could go to sleep up the side of our house last night, we heard him my partner went mad because of what happened last year, i did panic alot it brought back alot of stuff for me. The thing is we live in a private housing estate at the bottom of it near the forest and their is a fence seperating us from the trees well he walked past all the other houses to our's and up our entry, why? I really want to move now.
Anyway please don't feel you have to reply to it all, i hope all is well with you and i will be thinking of you. Take care, good luck for tomorrow.
Hi. Thanks for that. My review is not until Wednesday. I can be pretty evasive around dates on the net as I like to feel as though I have some privacy/ security.
I had to go into town today to see about my benefit. They decided that they would cut it while I was away (after me ringing up and asking about it specifically). It grates that they say travelling will be fine and then decide that it won't be. I was very frustrated.
I like many sermons given in church too. We went to church when we went to school. I started going again but then the congregation expected me to make an oath I didn't feel emotionally connected too. I did it but it felt wrong to me and as a consequence I never went back. I like the singing a lot too. especially if the song choice is OK.
It hope all is well with your daughter. Respite sounds like a good idea, especially if you're going to take on the care of the baby soon.
Not sure about the drunk. Maybe it just seemed more secure/ comfortable for him??
Is hard to know what goes through someones mind, especially when they're drunk. Likely there was not much thought there at all.
Good luck on Wednesday then i can see why you do that with the dates i am cautious too, just feeling now i should be more cautious.
Today did not start well, i have been rejected by two people already and its only early, hate this feeling. Others don't think like this do they?
Had enough now.
I think we think differently to other people. We are way more sensitive and thus more likely to perceive things as rejecting.
I have probably felt a little rejected on the other forums but then I haven't made any effort recently and rationally I know that is not the case.
I guess I feel trapped and I don't feel I have much to offer. I don't even know when things started to get this bad. I guess I also feel stuck between moving forward and going backwards.
We're all just offering stuff from our own experiences, aren't we? I don't know that you or others want or need support from me when I'm so dysfunctional. That's why I like the expert forums. The expert can at least keep a healthy balance and perspective.
Reading that others, or one person at least, views me as being emotionally detached was hard to hear. I use to feel a lot and be able to convey that. The comment on the end of a bad day just made me feel even more depressed. I like that the comment was put out there though. It's something I would likely have done.
I don't really care for much about anything at the moment. I was thinking that if you had other support that I can back off posting a bit. It is probably more important that you have someone who you can relate to at the moment and you have that. You also have a T and others who can direct you in your recovery.
I get the way too sensitive part it is my biggest problem. You shouldn't feel rejected on the other forums you aren't being rejected you know that.
If you don't want to post to me its fine i don't want to put you out, but you don't always have to offer support, you can just talk you know about anything if it helps i really don't mind.
I feel that you feel like you have to offer me support thats not the case i like talking to you, if i'm honest yeah i like the support but even without it i still like to talk to you, you are like me in many ways and you understand me and not many people do, its just good for me to know that someone else understands.
Think of you for a while, post your issues and let others help you the way you help them.
I don't think she meant anything by the comment but i know it would be hard to hear, but i think she was meaning that you answer so well, you know so much about all this, you sound like a therapist or doctor who knows it so well, i feel that you can still convey feelings though.
If you don't want to talk to me thats ok, i probably am a stressful person and you wouldn't be the first person to have had enough of me, but thats just me.
I might not post so much, i acted impulsively today in the wrong way by telling the police the name of the person, big mistake, soon they will arrest him and i will have to go and give a recorded statement, she basically blackmailed me into telling her anyway and i have had enough of it, i want to really act out if you know what i mean i just want to go and do something really stupid and out of control because i have no control now anyway. My social worker is calling tomorrow i told her i was in the planning stages again its almost a year since i was raped and i thought i should mark that in a way no one will ever forget.
Sorry you are feeling so bad, take care of yourself you are a good person and you deserve as much support as you have offered others, good luck on Wednesday. Bye
It's not that I don't want to post to you.
Maybe I would post more about me if I didn't think it would negatively impact on others. You know how you said that something another person said triggered you. I am afraid of hurting both others and myself. I try hard to protect my vulnerabilities.
I don't understand what is happening at present. I don't think we're competing for others loyalties. I don't know what's going on. When I was at school I befriended someone who was on the outside of our group of friends. The group then became friends with her and I was excluded. I'm not sure if subconsciously I'm afraid of losing a relationship. I don't know.
Mum and I had a fight today. I said I should write a list to take to the doctor tomorrow like my GP suggested. Mum said that there is nothing wrong. She said I need to move on like the people in Christchurch (who were hit by the earthquakes -a couple of big ones and over 700 smaller ones). A PD shouldn't been compared with an earthquake in the sense that it hit and then you move on. A PD is like trying to rebuild in the midst of the earthquakes. Not just for two weeks but for a lifetime. The comment pissed me off. Then she was saying stuff like I have a dual personality -like I'm different at home and with my GP. Of course I am. He listens and treats me with respect and doesn't always make me feel like I'm nothing or like I'm invisible.
It's hurtful having a parent telling you that nothing is wrong and then in the next breath telling you that you're a nut case.
Early on I was wanting to know what was wrong with me or what I was being treated for. Nobody would tell me. Then after I was in hospital and accessed my notes and read about bpd my mother said it was my fault because I wanted a label.
I didn't ask for this. It's a bit like me saying she deserves head injuries because on that day she wasn't wearing her seat belt. So what if it was on someones farm and not the road. I feel so angry and hurt and frustrated. I hate having these dumb conversations with mum. Of course dad doesn't say anything. Agrees with mum when he should be siding with me. He undermines both of us at times.
You posted asking for help. I felt that I needed to respect that and try and provide some support although I wasn't sure how helpful or otherwise it was.
Maybe these are the black and white thoughts of bpd. It's your post so it should be about you.
I thought you were in a space where perhaps you needed the support more. I've been there and it's hard when people (on the net) just shout at you or expect you to change yesterday or to be able to change because they did. At best I wanted you to get the support I never had and to not have to experience the trauma I did through therapy and at the same time be able to move forward. To progress and be happy, healthy and well.
I think she was meaning it like I'm not emotionally involved or invested. That is probably pretty bad because even health professionals are able to connect emotionally. Maybe they don't get the intensity but they can engage.
It's almost like I am walled off. Like maybe I offer advice through a glass window where I can see stuff but don't engage with it. Is that what has been happening? I can give advice but I don't participate in it??
I don't know. It's something for me to ponder over and maybe try and gain some new insights into myself.
Maybe what she experiences is my ?need to feel in control. Sometimes, often, I wonder if I come across as narcissistic. I'm sure I do and I'm sure that's just a defense for how vulnerable and stupid I actually am. I think that has to do with the status stuff that was so important to my mum.
I don't know if I can be helped. I liked the experts, Dr Gould in particular, because he was able to give me good insights. I have heaps to learn from others but his advice I just found like I connected better with. It helped me in ways other stuff didn't.
If anything I know about mental illness because I have experienced it and have been hurt a lot by it. The expert on the compulsive behaviors expert forum said it was unfortunate. I guess it is unfortunate that that is how I gained my knowledge. Maybe that was a path I needed to go down though. ?? I would like to see some changes in mh so others don't go through what I did. I couldn't easily have ended up dead.
It's not you, it's not personal, it's just me struggling. Running away from support isn't very wise. I probably do need to stay and talk.
It's probably more me having had enough of me and this level of dysfunction. I was improving with my last T and the last two years have been difficult. Maybe the review is causing some deep-seated anxiety, some of which I'm not feeling or processing.
It's good to get that out there. It may be stressful for a bit but then that stress should subside. Procrastinating or sitting on stressful stuff can be even more stressful. This should help you to move on.
Take a support person when you do the statement if you want and are allowed.
I had stuff come up last week again. Did I tell you? One Xmas when we went away the lady staying next door disappeared. There was a program on it the other night. At the time people said that because she was depressed and on a sickness benefit that she committed suicide. It made me feel vulnerable and that if anything ever happened to me it would just be passed off as a mental health issue. The police took statements from my family. Why does this stuff never get closure?
You should mark it in a way that is healing for you. Maybe make it a day for you, a day you take your life back. Do stuff you enjoy and that is nurturing to you. Go to the gym, go for a walk, go shopping, go to the church, go to the lake (but only if you can stay safe). Stuff for you. Maybe even a day in respite if that is what is needed. This is about you taking back control.
Maybe we both need each others support at this time.
I understand a bit more now, i get it you don't want to upset other people and you are also protecting yourself. I guess i felt like you in a way that you are my friend, and other times you have talked to people on here and i kept my distance abut underneath i was afraid i would be pushed out because of them, i do get it.
Your mum sounds like my mum and my partner, they think i can just shake it of and get on with life, i can't even tell my partner i have a personality disorder he would use it to hurt me, my mum called here on Saturday and asked to speak to my daughter she never said hello or talked to me at all, i think i am numb to it now, i'm like i don't care but it hurts really. Your mum shouldn't say that though i can see what your thinking its not your fault why blame you, you can't just switch it on and off.
I can understand you are stressed about the review, i really hope it goes well i will be thinking of you.
The police really don't understand mental health thats why it never gets closure i told my therapist once if i killed myself i would make it look like an accident and he said no i couldn't that the police would know it wasn't an accident and i was thinking no they wouldn't they are useless.
A social worker has to be present by law when i am interviewed for legal reasons because they see me as a vulnerable adult i don't like that, anyway it has to be someone who doesn't know me, i would prefer my own social worker but then she would be too biased towards me so that wouldn't help. I am really stressed about it, no sleep and i can't eat, my social worker was meant to call this morning but she never, typical i feel she is letting me down a lot lately, almost pushing me away, but then again maybe that is just my way of thinking.
I think you can be helped, you just need the right help, i think we need consistency, i read somewhere that a therapist who is helping someone who had BPD needs to be there rock to be there constant when their feeling their worse, i think that would work for me, what about you?
I feel my therapist is ok, he tries but i don't think he copes with me well at times he almost seems afraid of me, he is afraid of saying the wrong thing, i guess he knows i take everything the wrong way.
I know you wanted me to get support and thankyou for that it shows you do care and can show it.
I can understand if you are walled of from everything, if you feel anything like i do, life isn't good at times its a daily battle just to try and function normally, its unfair to be this way.
Please don't give up hope in it i know you have been let down but it can be ok.
In all the years you have had BPD has it ever got better? Just curious i feel i got worse in someways as i got older when i was young i was out of control but it was just put down to being a teenager, then i took panic attacks which masked everything else, thats how i cope in the real world i panic so i don't feel anything else, thats my theory anyway, then came the OCD and the depression, but no one ever took the time to find the real me, well one did and i ran so it was my fault for not sticking it out.
I would like to access my notes but i am afraid if i read something i didn't like i would be so hurt so i need to hang on to the thought that my therapist is good, for now.
When stuff happens it makes me feel bad too, an old man killed himself at the weekend my partners parents knew him and it was the same story oh he was depressed and whatever, there is always something to say, i'm sure some day some people just snap and go it isn't always mental health.
It makes me think of myself and how i feel at times and all the stress i have caused everyone.
I think we do need to support each other but please don't feel burdened by me i know i go on a bit but its ok you don't need to answer it all its just me going on.
I really hope my social worker calls today, my head is going slowly mad and i don't want to have to loose control to make them listen.
I hope today goes well and i'll be thinking of you, let me know. Take care
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