TTC Over 40 Community
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1389489 tn?1331763279

First time IVF at 44 on my own

Hi, everyone! It's been a long time since I've posted anything here. Truth be told, I just exhausted getting my hopes up every month for nothing. Last year, my husband finally went for semen analysis, after months and months of making appointments for him. He did have some abnormality, but since I didn't see the result, I'm not exactly sure how bad or not it was. Because of the financial burden, we kept postponing having the IVF done. Then he told me that he wasn't ready to have another kid (he already has one with his ex-wife). Later on he said he didn't want to have another child at his ripe old age of 50! What about me??? That's probably why he couldn't keep his appointments for the semen analysis.

Anyway, things were just spiraling down between us and I decided that it was time I go back to my parents. I figured that he kept saying he needed time to sort his baggage (from his divorce). So I left. Well, I decided then that if he didn't want to keep his end of the bargain(he knew before we got married that I wanted to have a child of my own, and we tried for a while to conceive to no avail), that I was going to go ahead and do it on my own. Many times I already told him that he needs to sign a waiver of parental rights in case I do IVF with sperm donor, but he hasn't done it. Well, we haven't spoken for about 3 months now and I need him to sign consent or a waiver.

Does anyone have this experience or know of someone who does? Anybody there with a template that I can just copy :) ? I would go see a lawyer, but since we've separated, I haven't been able to get a job yet, hence, I'm actually financially dependent on him. Oh yeah, another thing, we're really in the red these days so I don't think he'll appreciate a visit to a lawyer's office.

Incidentally, I found this great fertility clinic! The doctor is really nice, understanding, and not once did he make me feel that I was going out of my mind for wanting to have a baby at my age. I've heard horror stories about some clinics where the doctor's bedside manners were horrible.

Please, let me know if you have any ideas... I appreciate your responses. Many thanks!
10 Responses
1064785 tn?1406641998
Hi there,

My hubby is also approaching 50 and already has an 18 year old daughter. I want so much to have a child and I told him that I am ready to do whatever possible to achieve this, even try on my own if he is not willing to keep trying with me.
His sperm is no perfect but after 3 tries with donor eggs we found out that I had a uterus with many problems so there was no way to succeed unless I had an operation. I am currently recovering and we are going back to trying in a few months using his sperm and donor eggs (I am 41).
I cannot help you with the waiver I can only tell you that I admire you for your decision to go on your own, I would do exactly the same. I love my hubby, I could not live 'without' him but the desire of having a child is bigger than anything else. I know there is a high chance I may never succedd but even the slightest hope of succeeding makes me get up in the morning and go on.
Try to get a job of your own and get independent and go after your dream even if you have to do it on your own.

Take care
1389489 tn?1331763279
Hello Maria! Thanks a lot for your response. Let me tell you, I do love my husband big time, but unfortunately, that's not the case with him. It took a lot of courage, tears, determination, and many, many, many prayers before I was able to leave him. His priority is his 8 year old son who he has full custody of. I struggled to think of what the best thing for me to do, and finally I decided to go.

I'm doing this alone, and I can only pray that my sacrifices will bear fruit. I think that you're lucky because at least your husband still tries to have a child, even with just donor eggs. Some men (my husband one of them) just don't understand how having your own child is one of the most important things in a woman's life. At this point in my life, THIS is THE most important goal. Like you, I will try my best, and hope, and pray that we get what we want. I should probably be sooo depressed right now given my circumstances, but the thought of having my own baby gives me the strength to keep healthy and positive.

I wish you all the best. Take care,

It's okay about the waiver :) I'm glad you wrote back.
1064785 tn?1406641998
Hi Michelle :)
I can totally relate to your desire to having a child and this being the most important goal. You should not be depressed, I believe your husband should have tried with you so you could have a child together. We are here to support each other and there have been  some great success stories here and I am sure you will be one of them soon! If you, like me, want to have a child as soon as physically possible and the financial resources are limited, would you consider donor eggs/sperm or even donor embryos? Donor embryos would be my option also if we find out that we cannot use hubby's sperm.

Best of luck to you also.
Maria xxx
2004373 tn?1335416840
Good Morning Mich,

I had battled with what you are going through for 13 years before I found my DH.  At 29, I found out that I had blocked fallopian tubes. My RE at that time performed a laparoscopic procedure to unblock my tubes and advised me to freeze my eggs.  At that time I was not in a stable relationship and I did not want to have a child out of wedlock.

Year’s passed and 3 surgeries later to repair other female problems.  I married at 36, and like you my husband was not forthcoming with wanting us to try to conceive. Well honey, it was hard for me at first but I had to decide what was more important to me, a child that would love me and I would love unconditionally or a self-centered man.

You guessed it, he had to go. Honey, I will tell you, it was hard.  I worked double and triple overtime. Girl I worked my yang yang off.  I paid off my bills; I cut out all the extra stuff.  No credit cards, no eating out, no hair or nails appointments, no clothes shopping, no cable, no internet.  I didn’t even buy makeup, unless it was from the dollar store.  I saved ever penny I had. I had garage sale after garage sale.  I got rid of all the clutter and sold my house.

Then at 40, I remarried.  I found a gem of a man.  Who is giving and supportive and even at 63, he is still willing to give me whatever I want.  Today we feel blessed not to be strained with the financial restrictions that IVF can bring.

I had to come up with a plan. First my finances, I saved and only paid cash for my treatment.  Second, we decided that we would only try three times doing IVF and if that didn’t work seek adoption.  Third, we bargained shopped for the best but least expensive RE and medication. Forth, I changed factors in my job; by using vacation and sick time together I was able to take of three months w/pay. And finally, finding a great support group like here.  Sometimes your family and friends will try to talk you out of following your dreams.  Seek people in your life that will uplift you. You have that in here.  We will never judge you because we are all going through the same things.

And Honey, pray to the LORD.  He will give you strength.  I will speak to my atty tomorrow about your separation thing.  Hopefully I'll have an answer for you soon.

Love you my sister, take care  
1932259 tn?1332047113
Hi, I just want to say that I think it's great that you thought of yourself as it seems that your husband was not.  It's great for him that he has fulfilled his happiness with a child, but I find it extremely selfish to not want you to experience the same happiness as he feels with his son.  I believe you absolutely did the right thing, as if this is a glimpse into his priorities, you may have saved yourself a lifetime of compromises, seems only on your part that is.  I hate to sound so cynical, but at our age (I'm 42) we must think of ourselves, especially in relation to having a child.  I am very happy for you, and will be praying that all goes well and you can have "the love of your life".  
HUGSSSS, Caroline
1389489 tn?1331763279
Thanks a lot, Maria... I'm sorry for having such a late reply. The past days have been quite difficult. I just found out that my insurance declined authorization for my meds because of lack of male infertility evidence. Now my doctor is telling me that I really have to compel my husband to send me a waiver so that everything will be legit. They won't do anything unless I have that. This means that I'll be losing this cycle! I'm on my CD2 and I was hoping for my IVF to be done next month.

I'm trying sooo hard to be positive, but it seems like I just come up with road blocks everywhere I turn. I appreciate your responses. If anything, the positive vibes that everybody sends me keeps me going. Thank you..
1389489 tn?1331763279
I'm sorry to hear about your ordeal... but I'm happy to know that somehow things have gotten better for you. You see, stories like yours make alot of us realize that things do get better if we hang on long enough. You're right! We all need to be uplifted because going through what we're going through will seem less unattainable when we have the support of people who genuinely care. I do have my parents, brothers and sisters around and can easily go to them for support if I wanted it. Unfortunately, I haven't told them what I'm going through because I suppose it makes it less real. If I tell them then I guess it means I"ve accepted that I'm really separated from my husband and he'll probably divorce me. I don't think I'm ready for that, despite the fact that he's practically abandoned me. I do pray, you know... so much so that I think God must be so tired of me asking for help.. probably too much whining already, hehe... But God has his own time, and I am woman of "such little faith" because I still find myself feeling lost and alone.

I just want to have my own baby. I'd like to have my husband love me unconditionally too, and maybe I ask for too much. But let me tell you that I am sooo thankful that you wrote when you did... You made me feel better, and though I have tears running down my face as I type this, I truly am happy to know that today, I've been gifted with kind words that inspire me to keep faith. Thank you so much!

1389489 tn?1331763279
My thoughts, exactly. I'm sure that others will agree, too, that my husband is being selfish. I understand the practical side though, that it takes a lot of money to take care of a baby, but he doesn't take into consideration the fact that as a woman, I need to feel fulfilled. What I'm going through sees sooo unreal! This is supposed to happen in the movies only. I was suppose to meet the love of my life, get married, have babies and live the rest of our lives hopefully comfortably together forever. So far, it seems like my dream turned into a nightmare I can't wake up from.

Today has been especially difficult because I found out about my insurance denying coverage for my meds and my doctor not wanting to do anything unless I get my husband to give a waiver. But you know something? I just read everyone's messages for me and all of a sudden, I felt like somehow I'm not truly alone. I feel your hugs, Caroline! I feel everyone's well-wishes from across the distance and you've all turned this day around! This is the first time that I've felt better since a week ago. I'm so grateful for the support. Thanks for your vote of confidence in me. I pray for everyone here, that somehow, you all get blessed with your heart's most ardent wishes! God bless us all...

Thank you. Really...


1932259 tn?1332047113
I will be praying for you.  Sometimes miracles happen when we least expect them.    "Faith the size of a mustard seed can move mountains"   : )))))))
Avatar universal
Did you ever get your husband to sign the waiver? I think it is ridiculous that you need a man's permission to put a life in your womb...you certainly don't need a waiver to get an abortion. I am going through the same thing with my soon to be exhusband.  My doctor won't do any IUI treatments until i am legally divorced..she wants me to bring in the divorce decree!!! That could take up to 2 years and i just turned 44! I feel like a victim of these barbaric state PUA laws - that still confirm women and children are a man's/husband's property. Does anyone know any states that do not discriminate against your marital status?
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