Hopeless or confused?

[Alex98x]

This is a long read, so bear with me, please.

I feel like I should begin by telling a bit about myself.
I'm a 14 year old girl, and a freshman in high school.
I've been experiencing a 4 or 5 year depression as of now, and the stress that comes with it leaves me hopeless at times.
My family life isn't great, I constantly get yelled at, as well as verbally abused, yet I'm expected to be happy with no issues. My school, life isn't much better. I a social outcast, being rather quirky, socially awkward, quiet, and naive, and although it's by choice, it frustrates me to no avail that I don't understand the average teenager. My social life is non-existant outside of the internet; everyone in my area is preoccupied with sex and dating, which, having never experienced an attraction to anyone, is quite annoying.
I was diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome, ADHD, and OCD around age 8 or 9, and I believe I at least have traits of a Schizotypical Personality Disorder, and/or Paranoia.
I'm constantly worried about things, particularly my future due to my stress leaving me unable to concentrate. I also constantly worry, and occasionally, though not frequently hear things.

I've tried to no avail to straighten my life out, but others place incredibly high expectations on me, weighing me down even more. By this point, I've seen 3 therapists, 3 school counselors, and attempted to discuss my situation with teachers and my parents. My mother says that it's my own fault I have problems, and my step dad just tells me “take deep breaths”, or he refuses to believe I've been so troubled for so long. I'm in no way suicidal, as I believe that suicide is a permanent solution for a temporary problem, no matter how temporary, as well as the fact my good friend almost succeeded in killing herself. On the other hand, I have self-harmed, but on very rare occasions.

I'm just so confused now. I don't know myself anymore, and I don't feel like I ever did.

I apologize for the long read.

[Bonesy_the_ish]

First off, being wired differently isn't your fault, nor is it something to be ashamed of. Aspies can do incredible things if they believe in themselves, but you can't let stupid people get in your way. Right now, society is still just beginning to accept that not everyone is comfortable with the same things others are, so it is going to take a while before they accept that you are you, a normal human being. Do you want to know the secret to knowing yourself? You don't have just one "self". Think about this: everything in our environment affects us and slightly changes us. We ourselves grow entirely new organs over our lifetimes because of cells dying and replacing themselves. We are never the same person from one moment to the next. No, we are locked in perpetual change. By the way, Aspies are almost all introverts that have a hard time understanding social norms (if you haven't already, read Look Me in the Eye by John Elder Robison), so for you, being "schizotypical" is completely normal. Again, Aspergers Syndrome is simply a different wiring of the brain. If I had to guess, your mother doesn't quite understand what Aspbergers is or can't cope with the fact that she can't bond the same way other mothers can with their children. As far as your dad goes, he is right. Inhale for three counts, hold for twelve, exhale for three, hold for three and repeat. It makes you control your heart rate and sharpens your focus.
Life gets better. Do whatever you can to surround yourself with people who understand where you are coming from. You will go far!

[mishymoshymarcy]

I am sorry if i havent been any help, but i am in the same confusion as you... :)

[mishymoshymarcy]

Hello. Well it is nice to meet you Alex. I would just like to start off with saying that i am in very similar circumstance, only verying every now and then at different points. I am 14 like you, i am yelled at and lectured too, i wouldn't say i am abused, but my family make me feel like i cant do anything right. I am too expected to be happy with no issues, yet as hard as i try to be happy, its always ruined by somehting that happens.
I have only been feeling really bad for at least 5 months, so not that long, but its hard enough as it is...
It seems like you are a shy girl, am  i right? Same here! I can't help being the way i am. I do not have Aspergers Syndrome or any of the other things you menntioned, well not that i have been diagnosed with anyway. I feel like there is something contributing to my emtions though...
Also i am glad that you are not into suicide. I have had suicidal thoughts, but do not have the courage to do it. No one should, because you are right, it is a temporary solution to a temporary problem. My family told me that it is my fault as well.
Anwyay sorry for talking about myself, i would just like to let you know that if you ever want to talk i am here :)
Hang in there my friend. xx