I think I may be depressed?

[killuas]

I am 17 and all my life I have moved around continously. I have never lived in a place for longer than three years and recently my family has moved again. Due to this move, I had to enroll in a new school and I have to repeat a year due to some past circumstances that happened to me. I did not get to finish a semester in grade 10 properly because I was in a city where a forest fire took place, and I had to evacuate that city. When I did grade 11, I found that the past courses that I did not get to complete fully was affecting my understanding of the courses I was studying that year, and my whole grade 11 year i struggled tremendously. Since I am redoing grade 11 currently, I feel very insecure and self conscious because I am older than everyone in my classes, I am not around familiar faces, and I also do not have the greatest academic intelligence. I am a very shy individual and I used to be very suicidal when I was 15, and I have tried to take my life on multiple occasions. When I was younger I was physically abused by my brother and recently I have realized how much it has mentally impacted me in so many negative ways and I have been thinking of those past experiences a lot more. I broke down and cried to one of my teachers after school while I was asking for help on school material and she booked an appointment with my guidance counsellor, I spoke to her and I booked another appointment where I want to speak more in depth of how I am feeling psychologically, however I am not sure if I should be asking for so much from mere workers at school, and it also takes me a great deal of mental effort to explain how I am feeling to someone since I hate people seeing me in a vulnerable state because I am very prideful. When I was 13 I believe I was very depressed, I never got professional help so this is all self diagnosed, I wouldn't go to school and I felt so miserable and empty. I wasn't capable of shedding tears, I felt like I had no purpose and I was just living for the sake of living. My outlook on many aspects of my life have changed over the years, but I believe that I am returning to the depressive state I was in when I was 13. I don't specifically know how to organize all my thoughts, and at this point I just explained my life story and not really what i'm feeling mentally but I don't really know how to explain what i'm feeling exactly either. My family isn't financially the best, so i'm not sure how I can seek professional help either. My mother knows about how I think I am depressed, and though at first she didn't take me seriously (i'm not sure if even now she takes me seriously) she has acknowledged that there is something mentally wrong with me.  I would appreciate any type of advice!

[specialmom]

I'm really sorry to read this.  I also was a kid who moved around a good deal and changed schools a lot.  Such a hard thing to do for many of us.  You aren't alone!  And definitely that can make you insecure.  I remember eating lunch in the bathroom so I didn't have to face finding someone to eat after a really hard move during high school.  Did it for like a month--  nothing like a bathroom stall to eat, right?  Anyway, I feel your pain. And certainly, going from to school to school and especially if school doesn't come easy can mean you have a set back with school courses and graduation.  This is nothing to be ashamed of.  It's certainly not your fault that school systems are different and going from standards in one school/state to another don't match up.  The United States was trying to work on that with this Common Core thing but it's not there yet for easy transitions to new schools academically.  Anyway, that's all really hard. Hang in there.  Ask for help which I'm sure you do. AND, you are 17.  So, know that this is NOT forever!!  If you aren't the academic sort, think of what kind of job training you'd like to do.  What kind of trade?  There are so many of them.  Start researching it.  Even things like paralegal can be done in two years and you'd have a good paying job after. Hair design.  All sorts of nursing degrees.  More true technical like plumbing (I'd love a lady plumber apprentice to show up at my house!), etc.  And get a plan for how to get to this goal.  And once you get to that goal, YOU make the decisions.  My sister and I both are in the same city now and don't plan to move.  I've been here for 20 years.  The house I live in now is the longest I've ever lived at the same address for 12 years and many more to come!  I put down roots for myself and my kids.  I'm in control and now I build the life I want. And this is in your future!  You just have to get through this hard time of life!  
If you ever feel suicidal at all again, DO DO DO reach out.  You sound like a sweet girl and have your whole life ahead of you hon.  And a gem of a teacher to help you out with the counselor.  If you tell the counselor that you are having financial issues, they will help you right there.  AND, maybe you do have insurance which pays for a set number of sessions of therapy a year.  So, talk to your mom about options.  STay in touch.  People care about you. hugs

[killuas]

I also end up eating in bathroom stalls because I feel so uncomfortable eating around unfamiliar faces, i'm glad i'm not the only one! I'm planning on majoring in psychology when I'm older however with how my grades are currently I'm not sure how I can even get into the university I want too. (my dream is to work with music but I don't want to disappoint my family because I know how ashamed they are of me when they hear me talk about how much i love music and how much i want to work with music, and getting judged by my own family really terrifies me) I keep on thinking about the future and my family also constantly pressure me into thinking about what I need to do in the future and how I need to get a good education and a well paying job so I won't struggle. I ended up talking to my counsellor about how I have problems paying attention in class and some mental problems I have and she suggested that I go to my family doctor and tell them about how I am feeling. I really appreciate that you took the time out of your day to read my post and give me a response, thank you so so much.