I'm 16 years old and I'm having stupid thoughts.

[jakaechun]

I've been a little depressed lately and its for the stupidest reasons. I've been somewhat unhappy since I was 9. I moved out of my hometown in 2010 since my Dad got a job offer. Before that, I had friends from school and was getting to a point where I would hang out w/ them around the neighborhood on my own. In my new school, I acted like a total idiot bc that was how I made friends in my old school.  I learned quickly that all I was doing was estranging myself from the rest of my classmates. I guess you could say something snapped inside me and I could not speak with anyone. I turned into an extreme introvert, so much so that I became known for being silent around my class. I took these habits into middle school, where I made no friends. I was okay with it, got good grades, and i passed off being normal to my parents (i think). High school comes, and finally, I force myself to speak again. I made a good friend who was an overachiever. I became part of this group of friends who were all incredibly smart and most of our convos were about (what was your)grades, classes and colleges.  In my sophomore year i moved again bc of the same reasons, but i felt confident about making friends. By then, i was so influenced by my friends from b4 that I felt I could assimilate myself with the "overachieving" clic. Unfortunately while i was barely ok at making convos with other ppl, i couldn't approach them outside of class. For the rest of the year, I'm really unhappy. My grades dropped dramatically and I started staying up all night to study for some supposedly easy chem tests. my teacher approached me at one point and told me i had the worst grades in his class for some test. i was so ashamed and embarrassed. i started failing every single one of his tests. Eventually, i get a D  2 Cs and 2 Bs. My parents of course, were disappointed, but supportive. I had never gotten a C b4, let alone a D. I hadn't got a B either since Elementary. I'm surrounded my students who are all incredibly smart and ace tests. I also feel disconnected from the rest of society bc I'm not using any social networks except FB. Its the middle of the yr and I still haven't made any real friends. I use a pc to study n the library for lunch and snack and find a quiet place to sit where no one can c me by myself. My grades aren't getting any better either. I've contemplated suicide, but i can't for obvious reasons. I fear the afterlife, pain and leaving only a negative impact on the world. I don't want to hurt my family bc of my selfishness. I know I have an amazing life compared to other ppl out in the world, who have issues i can't even imagine dealing with. I just want to start over in a place I actually belong and where I feel useful. I absolutely hate myself as a person and I'm worried that I dont have a future bc of my lack of social skills and grades. I'm leaving a lot out here but this is the gist of my situation.

[jamiesworldd]

You know I acted the same way as you did just slightly different. Instead of being a complete introvert, I started to be a totally different person because I wanted people to like me. Everyone often says:"Just be you" or "Go talk to someone about it" but there was no one you could really turn to, am I right? At least that's what happenend to me. What I can tell you is, not everything is like highschool. When you go to college, if you think of going, I don't anybody will really care about the way you are, you'll always be invited to the parties and the stuff that'll be happening. Most of all, if you go to a college where you really want to go you will find other people who are just like you, because they are there for a reason just like you. The thing is, I always made a fool of myself. Now I'm always being confident. I'm complimenting girls on how they look, ask them where they bought the t-shirt that they wear and stuff like that. It's not that simple but be always confident and nice. I really can't tell you how to find REAL friends, but I can tell you how not to be alone in your class or how not to have somebody that you can do your project with: Just be overly nice, confident and always make the girls feel special and beautiful when they are with you. That's all I can tell you, but believe me it won't change anything if you start to get depressed that's just bad for your parents and for yourself. I know, I've been there. Things are always changing, just because you can't make friends that easy doesn't mean you should give up trying. Try what I told you, maybe you find friends like that, it worked for me haha what you can do also is try a different style. Just change your
appearance completely. New hairstyle, new fashion style, start making accounts on instagram, tumblr, twitter so that you won't feel left out anymore and maybe you could do a twitter account where you speak about those things that you experience now, so that you can help others who have the same thoughts as you. Nothing bad about trying something different, makes you feel way more confident also :) Let me know if you tried out anything I told you and if it helped xoxo

[jamiesworldd]

Also you could try to eat healthier or be more fit, that also gives you way more confidence :) If you have a thing for books and you think you could do it, you could start writing your own books. There is a site called "Wattpad" with millions of readers and writers who just keep writing new stories, fan fictions, everything you would want :) That's also a way to express what you feel creating a book you know? Haha so something like that. You could also find a new hobby, because then you are with people who do the same things as you and you would have something to talk about. The thing is, there really isn't any reason to think about death or killing yourself, that wouldn't make any sense. I tried it too, but it's my family that I end up hurting and they never did anything to deserve that so that's why I'm telling you this. Hope I could help hahaha :)