Ranting and Raving

[Sunhilde]

Like nearly everyone else here, I kinda just want to post so I can ***** and moan to a fourth wall of anonymity. I've never spoken to a psychologist or a friend or family or even sought out online support about my "feelings" until now. I'm not actually even looking for a response; I just need to write down everything in my head somewhere where no one can trace it back to me. I'm a freshman girl in college, a really good college, from a lower class (but not destitute) white family. I've never been "touched" by an uncle or physically abused or witnessed a murder. I don't really get bullied, because I'm pretty average looking. Actually, a lot of guys and girls find me attractive. I'm smart, I like my classes, I make friends easily, and people think I'm funny. So why do I hate myself so much? Don't get me wrong, I have those times where I look in the mirror or I get a good grade and I'm like, Damn, atta girl! But those brief moments of elation don't balance out the self-loathing and confusion and darkness that consumes the core of me. I drink excessively to escape myself, to become someone else. Anyone else. And I do; I'm a sexual, loud, and aggressive person. I mean, I'm like that soberly but I'm even moreso drunk. And honestly, I hate drinking. God, I'm tired of waking up and being hit with a wave of regret. I'm tired of looking forward to my period each month because I have no clue who I drunkenly ******. I can't even bring myself to be alone with a guy soberly anymore-I have to get drunk first. I'm completely hypocritical. But all of these things - they're so superficial and insignificant. But it's like my life is consumed by alcohol now. The decisions that I've made or will make. I know the solution-stop drinking. It wasn't ever like this before college. But you don't understand - I NEED people. I NEED friends who like me in order to survive. I can't stand the idea of sitting alone in the eatery on campus. and if I don't go out Saturday night, I have no one. I hate myself, I can't be alone with myself. I mean, I'm really disgusting. My body, my face, my hair, my habits...even my good qualities suck. I just want to be someone worthwhile. I want to make a difference and help people, but first I have to help myself. I want the thoughts in my head to go away. I want to stop weighing my "options" when I don't even know what the problem is. Seriously, I couldn't even tell you what makes me so sad. Why do I cry when I'm alone? Why do I hit myself, just so I can FEEL something? I'm not like those depressed kids that cut themselves and wear their hair in their face and listen to heavy metal music. I'm fighting everyday to be normal and pass for a vision of happiness. Like, my family and my friends thought I'm so tough and so carefree, They actually envy me. And in my drunken stupor I've done so much stupid **** that now they think I'm crazy. I don't know how to hide it anymore. I wish I could explain this anxiety to be moving somewhere or doing something. I've always thought that God made me special. Not the kind of special your English teacher or grandmother tells you that you are, but something actually special. Almost like I was going to die young, doing something great. The only thing I think anymore is the first part. I don't want to die. I just want all of this confusion, anger, sadness, hormonal mood swings etc, I want it to stop. I want to feel happy and light again. I want to stop remembering who I really am on the inside. I'm so terrified for the summer. Leaving school, the people I know, the familiarity..It's not like I can't handle change. But this one really freaks me out. Oh God, I just need help. Once I'm fixed, I can help fix other people.

[Sunhilde]

Hey Ellie,
Just saw your response, thanks for that. Seriously, I know exactly what you mean. The group thing, it's when I'm in a group of people, I'm suffocating. I feel like I'm on an entirely separate level from everyone else so I just want to distance myself. and even then, I'm not sure where I'm more lonely. What's going on in your world?

[Ellie_Heart]

Hi there. I know how you feel. I can't stand to be alone either, but I also can't stand to be in groups. Doesn't is feel strange sometimes, like you're a little china doll about to break? If you like you can message me and we can chat more, it might help.