Ok. Blahblahblah. I'm depressed... Have been for a while.
So first to answer my question, here's my problem, and the context.
I think I first got drunk at around 14. Then at early 15 I smoked weed a half dozen times...
I know that's pretty young, and I feel ****** about it.
Now... This year I moved away from where I grew up. I now live 500+ miles away from where I was. Anyway. I got really depressed. Being isolated, without my freinds, it really hurt. Along with plenty of random life-stress. Especially my parents fighting and shcool work ect). And I had no way to cope or vent it. I started drinking 2-3 beers every now and then. (like once every week) I drank whatever I could get ahold of.
Then I started to get careless...
I stole liquor from many people, never missing a chance, never getting caught... It still wasn't much. But just thinking I'd do that... No... It gets worse. I also stole some weed from adult peers. (barely noticeable ammounts) But a little goes a long way for me. (lightweight)
so, Id get a buzz now and then every time I was feeling real low... Got hammered a few times just cause I was so sad. I had to do alot of socializing in this new town too... And what better way than to use what I had? Soon I'm downing stashed beers whenever my parents said we were going somewhere with people. Naturally I am very shy. And adults make me especially anxious. So, I told myself it was okay to do this because I needed to be at ease and get to know people. The thing is, this was true, and working! So I did it more!
My parents would go to alot of parties. (with alcohol) numerous times I'd get drunk right alongside them and their freinds, without them even knowing!
There's something wrong with that... I can't stop though. I cant put on a happy face around all these bastards sober! And I rarely have a choice not to be around said bastards.
So for about a year now I've been randomly getting drunk, just to deal with people... Not always... But I much prefer a buzz.
Soo... All in all. I feel bad. But I'm confused as to how bad I should feel.? Does it even matter?
Now here is something I'm even more ashamed of... The first time I ever did smoke weed, I made a sort of promise to myself. That I wouldn't ever do or even try, any sort of other drug. Not even tobacco.
But here I technically broke that promise. Xanax. Yes the anti anxiety stuff. Don't get me wrong, I researched the **** out of it first, (not that it's any less wrong) but still... One day I popped a few of those pills... Now this was how I wanted to feel! No depression, no social anxiety. Best **** ever.
I never took much. Just a little here and there for extreme social situations. The funny thing is how I actually almost need a prescription for this crap. For example...
I'm 16 now. But I decided to try to get ahead and get some collage credits (community). Afterall tuition is free somehow if your still in highschool... Anyway... On my first day I was so ******* freaked out.... Literally shaking in my chair. So... Yay for Xanax! 30 mins later I'm totally relaxed and concentrating. Talking to other students. Ect...
But wait... I shouldnt be doing this! This is ******* illegal!
As you can see.... I don't know what the **** I'm doing.... I like to think I'm in control and am moderate. But its sad to think I can't normally enjoy social situations without being on one thing or another...
So ya... How bad is all this? Should I stop? Am I ****** kid? I don't ******* know... I keep doing this and I know it's not good, any of it... And if I got caught? Well... I don't even know. What would happen? Would my parents get in trouble?
No seriously, what am I doing? Cause I don't really know...
Sorry for the grammar and coherency. I'm typing this on my iPod. And in general I'm also sorry... I'm typing this cause I don't really have anyone to turn too. ATM I'm hung over, finally realized I'm ****** up to some degree... Sorrrysorrysorry!