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20792473 tn?1507913760

i am a teenager and extremely depressed

well for a start I have always been depressed but for a year or so its gotten out of hand. My parents were like monsters when i was like 4 they were always screaming at each other and crying and i found out that the world is a twisted pace ever since i got hold of a laptop. I change my personality according to whomever I'm around,and i'll tell you exactly what you want to hear. not even my parents know the real me. I don't even think I know the real me. Due to knowing and being exposed to the reality I consider myself much more mature than the average teenager. There always on there phone,doing stupid things for attention,stealing and smoking cause they think its so cool or whatever. I have no friends because I'm smart and don't want to be sober at 13 and pregnant by 16.Im beyond the stage of caring about a stupid post on social media or how well known i am.my mind is a powerhouse of negative emotions, the most disturbing things seem comforting to me. ONCE i let my guard down in front of my friend,they one time i thought i could trust someone and show them who i really was they told me i was creepy,dark,evil and twisted and asked me to stay away from them. the next moment she started telling everybody that i was a creep. so yhea i learnt from that , that you can never be yourself (and no crappy line from a fairy tale is going to change that). I used to very sensitive and gullible and got used so much that you could say i have….well,trust issues. After nearly all my "so-called friends" diced me and made me a laughing stock things changed. I used to be the little innocent girl who would buy everyone anything,i would be invited to a parrtiny just to be paltered with pain at the entence, i was treated like a joke i would be the only who would help anybody if they were in trouble but would never be helped. I would wait for everyone and anyone but end up being left behind. I would try to repair fights but would end up being the one talked about behind my back when i did nothing. so i changed, i wasn't going to show them that i was weak or naive. i would mask every emotion because smiling or crying in front of anybody else was showing that you are vulnerable and thats the truth. i would never show that physical or emotional bulling got to me. i would act as if i was immune to pain in any way. my eyes would be only on the destination and would not weaver to avoid people staring and whispering. I would often be left out and not included in anything. i was the girl who sat alone and was considered weird. i convinced myself that i wasn't lonely but the truth be told deep inside me I knew i was so lonely. i made myself get lost in books. my escape from reality where anyone could be anything and every thing was possible. i envied the characters in the books who had real friend that won;d stick up for them,take a bullet for them and wouldn't judge them no matter how weird of unusual they are. to be honest, i considered these fictional characters as the friends i never had.i hate school and people so much it hurts. I have high psychotic tendencies, and extremely high internet addiction. I would tell my mom (i live with her) how i feel but then again i always mask to be the happy-go lucky type girl at home so she wouldn't believe me. i still dont believe I'm doing this but i need help, or else i think i'll brake. I'm scared.
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