Sorry for this being long.
I don't know what to thing anymore. A week or two ago I had thought I had discovered that I had anxiety. However, I discovered that it was actually HOCD. From that time I have lost my interest in women and I still have no interest in men either. When I had discovered this I tried to see if I was gay. I'd watch gay porn, I wouldn't get an erection but, if I would touch myself I had started to get one. This then set me off.
Soon I couldn't think in school. (I'm 17). This Tuesday I went home and began to lay down in bed and try to see what was wrong with me. After some research I had began to think that I have HOCD. I want to get rid of this and I had found a small solution that another person had used. It was to lay back for an hour and confront the gay images that plagued my mind. When I was imagining this all of a sudden girls that I liked were popping into my thoughts and I began feel relief. So the next day I woke up with some anxiety, and for a small portion of the morning I felt I was in a state of panic. So I decided to use the method. After I did it I had felt okay. But, at certain points throughout the day I had felt some spikes of panic as before, but I shrugged it off, The day was all well until I was home and I was listening to this song that usually makes me think of girls, but nothing popped in my head.
I began to freak out and tried to look for help on girlsaskguy.com, but the only answer I had received was a girl asking what was HOCD. I kept on testing myself and the only type of girls that stay in my head for a short period of time are redheads. I love redheads and there is this one girl in my school that I had liked but, she was too political. But that's not the point.
Early this morning I still had this feeling of anxiety/panic. So I decided to watch some videos on youtube and soon the feeling of panic went away (Even as I'm typing this at certain points the feeling goes and comes). However, this changed when I was started to watch this video about how some of the hunger games cast looked different than the book. As they started to head to some of the guys my heart started to beat a bit faster and so I began to panic. I looked up pictures of both "Cute men" and "Cute Women" as well as, "Sexy men" and "Sexy Women". With the men my heart beated a bit faster, but only with the "Sexy Women" my heart began to beat faster as well.
I don't know what I should do. I want to get rid of these feelings and be like my old self where I would look at each girl and would like them. I know it's not a good thing to say something like that but I want be like my old self without these problems. Also, I was asked the question of what my religion was and i'm a nonpracticing catholic. I was raised with the religion but was told to be myself and happy no matter what. I just want my old self back. I don't know if I'm in denial about my sexuality or I have HOCD all I know is that I want to be like my old self again. I feel sick and in pain knowing that my heart beats even a little faster for a man than a woman. I've also heard that a person who is gay would either have previous feelings or being a bit accepting of it. While, a person with HOCD is straight and begins to feel a panic with a gay thought...
So I believe that I just have HOCD. But, still I want to be straight and not gay I can have my solution to the gay thoughts its just getting back my feelings for women again. That's the problem without this feeling for women then it practically triggers my homosexual feelings and thoughts. I also know that it's a bit normal for a man to think of another man as handsome, but I can't produce the feeling of wanting a woman. I don't know, because before I had these feelings this bad I had fallen for a bunch of girls and the feelings would go away and this happened all the way back in September. As of recently I have stopped liking the girl I really liked in school. So I think its that I don't have anyone to really fall for. But, I digress. I want to feel sort of happy again without this panic always being there when I wake up or appearing whenever someone says the word gay or something that is homosexual. I'm sorry or this being long it's just that I want help and to be my old self again.
Thanks for reading and commenting.