Avatar universal

Am i in denial or do i have HOCD?

Sorry for this being long.
I don't know what to thing anymore. A week or two ago I had thought I had discovered that I had anxiety. However, I discovered that it was actually HOCD. From that time I have lost my interest in women and I still have no interest in men either. When I had discovered this I tried to see if I was gay. I'd watch gay porn, I wouldn't get an erection but, if I would touch myself I had started to get one. This then set me off.

Soon I couldn't think in school. (I'm 17). This Tuesday I went home and began to lay down in bed and try to see what was wrong with me. After some research I had began to think that I have HOCD. I want to get rid of this and I had found a small solution that another person had used. It was to lay back for an hour and confront the gay images that plagued my mind. When I was imagining this all of a sudden girls that I liked were popping into my thoughts and I began feel relief. So the next day I woke up with some anxiety, and for a small portion of the morning I felt I was in a state of panic. So I decided to use the method. After I did it I had felt okay. But, at certain points throughout the day I had felt some spikes of panic as before, but I shrugged it off, The day was all well until I was home and I was listening to this song that usually makes me think of girls, but nothing popped in my head.

I began to freak out and tried to look for help on girlsaskguy.com, but the only answer I had received was a girl asking what was HOCD. I kept on testing myself and the only type of girls that stay in my head for a short period of time are redheads. I love redheads and there is this one girl in my school that I had liked but, she was too political. But that's not the point.

Early this morning I still had this feeling of anxiety/panic. So I decided to watch some videos on youtube and soon the feeling of panic went away (Even as I'm typing this at certain points the feeling goes and comes). However, this changed when I was started to watch this video about how some of the hunger games cast looked different than the book. As they started to head to some of the guys my heart started to beat a bit faster and so I began to panic. I looked up pictures of both "Cute men" and "Cute Women" as well as, "Sexy men" and "Sexy Women". With the men my heart beated a bit faster, but only with the "Sexy Women" my heart began to beat faster as well.

I don't know what I should do. I want to get rid of these feelings and be like my old self where I would look at each girl and would like them. I know it's not a good thing to say something like that but I want be like my old self without these problems. Also, I was asked the question of what my religion was and i'm a nonpracticing catholic. I was raised with the religion but was told to be myself and happy no matter what. I just want my old self back. I don't know if I'm in denial about my sexuality or I have HOCD all I know is that I want to be like my old self again. I feel sick and in pain knowing that my heart beats even a little faster for a man than a woman. I've also heard that a person who is gay would either have previous feelings or being a bit accepting of it. While, a person with HOCD is straight and begins to feel a panic with a gay thought...

So I believe that I just have HOCD. But, still I want to be straight and not gay I can have my solution to the gay thoughts its just getting back my feelings for women again. That's the problem without this feeling for women then it practically triggers my homosexual feelings and thoughts. I also know that it's a bit normal for a man to think of another man as handsome, but I can't produce the feeling of wanting a woman. I don't know, because before I had these feelings this bad I had fallen for a bunch of girls and the feelings would go away and this happened all the way back in September. As of recently I have stopped liking the girl I really liked in school. So I think its that I don't have anyone to really fall for. But, I digress. I want to feel sort of happy again without this panic always being there when I wake up or appearing whenever someone says the word gay or something that is homosexual. I'm sorry or this being long it's just that I want help and to be my old self again.

Thanks for reading and commenting.
4 Responses
Avatar universal
I'm just like you, except I'm 14 and a girl.  I have always liked guys, but recently some "false attraction" is happening (I think). I even wasted my birthday debating this. To me, (not a professional because again, I'm 14) but you sound straight. Way straighter than what I'm experiencing.
Thanks and I recently learned of some small solutions for this problem. Plus, I have read what was happening with you. If you want I can tell you what I know? But, it's up to you.
Avatar universal
Yes please.
1) When you think of an image of anything gay that begins to make you panic just sit back and think about it. Take an hour or any amount of time a day and go to a place in your house or anywhere and think about it. Think of it and tell it that you're not afraid of it. Say to it " Bring it on.". Or just make it out to be something funny like in my case (This might sound pretty weird) If I imagine something gay I think of shaggy and Scooby doo saying something hilarious in that situation. You should do this everyday until you feel ready.
Please note I got this from a website and for me it works when I started to think of these images my panic started to go away and I began to think of girls again.
2) When these feelings pop up try your hardest to ignore them. I heard and tried it just today and it works well but i'm still testing it out. If you can do this then you can move on in life.
Please note I also got this from a video on YouTube.

I have tried each of these steps and they have worked for me. But it's different for everyone. But, hopefully it'll help.
How do I not know that I'm just in denial? (My latest comment on my post describes more). I just loved guys (but I wasn't boy crazy), I hate the thought of being with a girl, as do many straight people. It could just be a sign? I saw my crush walk past my house this morning and my jaw dropped. Am I too young to have hocd? Also, is it weird that I fall for guys who fall for me? Whoops this is your post. Sorry!
Well Just as you said yourself, you saw your crush pass your house and your jaw dropped. That's a sign. And from what I had sort of learned previously. People with HOCD will have like a person of the opposite gender for a long time, and this thinking about the thought of being with a person of the opposite sex will force your mind to try and produce a reason to help yourself. But, it will actually make it harder and force yourself to think of this problem even more.
Now I'm no doctor but I have discovered that this what I said happens to me a lot. Also, with ignoring it helps a lot as well.
Also, your age doesn't matter. It can happen to anyone at any age. However it'll happen to teenagers more as well... our body are developing for adulthood. Plus, your sexuality (From what I hear) could change during this time, but usually it will stay the same (From what you previously were before).
Avatar universal
Thank you so much for the help. I really think theres hope.
There is always hope. We're human, we're always going to find the tiniest shred of hope in the darkest times. As for people like us we will push through this.
Avatar universal
Oh and when I said "jaw dropped" it was kind of like a metaphor. I saw him and just got so excited/nervous to see him. Maybe I am attracted to girls, I HATE IT AHH
I can't even see a man in my future anymore. When I look at a woman it feels so strange. It's like my mind saying "yeah you're gonna be with one of them when you're older"
Okay well, when you got excited/nervous that's actual really good. Because it's natural to feel excited cause you seen the person you like.

The reason why your mind is telling you this is because your thinking about it too much. When you think about something too much you become obsessed with stopping it. This I believe creates OCD.

With you your thinking WAY too much about your sexuality. When you think of this guy and gets nervous be happy as hell! This means you really like this guy and it also means that you're not into girls.

Don't let your mind fool you. Your mind is telling you this is because your scared. But don't be cause you like this lucky dude. This proves that you're not into girls. It's also natural to feel a little bit of attraction to other girls as it's told by science.

But you let it get in your way. Here's a link to a video that told me the reason why OCD is sort of the way it is: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mf6575g11Pk

But listen, do not think of your problem. It'll only create more problems. I also know that this is easier said than done but, if you listen to what this video says and what I've told you on how to get rid of the images then trust me, you're life will get better.
Omg thank you so much. This has helped a lot. I am at home today off school because I'm not well and also want to get my mind off this. I'm gonna do homework. Gonna get my mind off this silly problem that is wasting my time. Thank you
Nah, thanks for listening and allowing someone who has a problem like me.
Life is confusing, even with these emotions that you feel. But, with a girl shoving her butt into the camera and you liking it, there is nothing wrong with it. That also means that you like the butt on a guy as well as the butt on a girl. It's natural and normal, trust me. When I was in middle school I would look at the butts of guys and girls, but I couldn't help myself.

Plus, no matter what you see don't think about. Or, just laugh it off. Just say "AHAHA If she has a nice butt, then (Your Crush) has a better one than her!"
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