What am I supposed to do? What am I supposed to feel? What am I supposed to say? Who am I supposed to be? Who am I? All these questions keep popping up in my head and I hate it that I don't know any of the answers!
My whole life, at this moment, is a mess. A chaos. A huge mountain of chaos. It's just too much for me to deal with. Too much for me to face. So I ignored it (didn't know it was possible, but I ignored myself). But I can't anymore, I can't ignore it anymore. I used to sport, to skip meals, to binge-eat and make myself throw up and to harm myself to just forget what was going on in my life, to just numb my feelings, to forget the chaos. I lost my interest in the sports I used to love, I never have enough energy anyway. I'm trying to leave the eating disorder stuff behind (have been trying for 2,5 years) and friends convinced me to stop with self harm 8 months ago, which I did. At least, I thought so. Till last week. A few little cuts to deal with the stress from an art project for school. Right now I'm in the middle of my school exams, more stress. Next week I've got a huge paper due, and I'm not even slightly close to finishing it. Another portion of pressure and stress to add to the pile. A pile that's starting to sufficate me, to drown me. A pile too big and too heavy. I kinda hit rock bottom yesterday, at least it feels like I did. I started cutting again. And I didn't stop where I used to stop. I went on, even when it was hurting like hell. I could forget for one moment, I could stop thinking for a few seconds. Just listening to the loud music from my headphone and cutting.When I stopped, I cleaned up and had to use a bandage to stop the bleeding. I sat on my bed and it hit me. It hit me like a rock. The reality, the life I was living, the life I wasn't living. The fear, the guilt, the loneliness, the hate, the weakness, the stupidness. The dirty and painful reality. I broke, I shattered in thousands of pieces and I couldn't stp crying. I felt so alone, so hurt, so much in need of a hug. But hey, I was sitting there, on my bed, at 2h30 in the morning, everyone asleep, except from me. So I cried myself asleep.
This morning I wanted to tell my dad, I wanted him to hug me, like only fathers can do. But I was a stupid coward. I kept my mouth shut and went to school, some moments crying while riding my bike. I have no idea how, but my Dutch Literature exam about poetry went quite well. Afterwards I reported sick and went home.. tomorrow is a new day with a new mountain of fears to conquer an exams to make.. I read a few pages in my old diary, from the time I was suffering from anorexia, and the last line was: Will it ever get better?! That was about 3 years ago, I'm not anorexic of bulimic anymore, but I'm suffering from a depression and selfharm. That's the reality that I can't ignore anymore. The reality I have to face. But how the hell am I gonna get out of this mess??? How am I gonna survive this any longer???