Depressed freshmen but confused as to why

[confusedalways]

I don't know when it started, maybe it's always been there. I am 16 years old. and ever since I was a kid ive been at times extremely depressed. First when my parents got divorced, I remember that I was about 5 and I always used to cry whenever my dad left me at school, I hardly got to see him, and whenever I did it was always for a day or two. I also remeber being sexually abused, well more like taken advantaged.Not raped. By my fathers friend. I was only five, and I didn't know any better. My father also has a hearing disability therefor, whenever my father was asleep he used to approach me. I have never told anyone, until now... At the age of 10 i was bullied by many kids at school. I got into alot of fights.Which probably damaged me more psychically. And then I started at a new school, eventually I got some cool friends. So...let me fastforward a bit. And now im here. 16 years old. Got some great friends, they always make me laugh. But that's only at school. When I get home... thats when things start.
For some odd reason, I have issues connecting with people. I have never once liked my relatives. Not even kids. I despise my family except for my mom. And i dont know why. They're all so very nice, but I just cant connect with them. Also I am now spending a whole week at my fathers place every other week. He sort of brainwashes me. Tells me that people are evil and that life *****.So, I'm a girl who can't hug other people without getting panicked.
I cry myself to sleep, well I hardly get any sleep, i've been doing that for years. I've recently started cutting. And smoking now and then, not so much really. I don't get it. I have great friends, I go to a great school, I enjoy myself at school, I'm not the depressed girl when I go there. And I really dont think so much about the past. But why the hell am I depressed?
What's wrong with me? I'm afraid to live, but also afraid to die.
Also I kind of enjoy to disappoint people.
Hell It's all really mixed up.



  

[wogman]

Now that you've taken the first step, you're on the road to recovery.  That's a good thing. If you want my msn chat line address, let me know, and we can chat, if you feel that will continue to help.  Otherwise, I stand by my offer to listen, and make only recommendations that have helped me.  So, if you have any questions, fire away!
PS.  Keep up the good work.

[confusedalways]

Hello. First of all thank you for your replies. It has really helped me. It felt good to write, since I haven't ever spoken to anyone about this. It's scary, to open up. It's gonna be hard, but I think i'll take you up on that offer. Talking seems to help.

Thanks again.

[goodgardenpeas28]

Wow, i can relate, Over the years I have done a lot of research into teen depression and one of the things I have found is that its symptoms are not the same as adult depression. You are, in my opinion, clinically depressed. This means you need some kind of treatment whether that be medication, excercise, talk therapy. although i would recommend the talk therapy anyway because of the abuse. I know from experience that until you talk about it and are able to get it out it will haunt you forever. With regards to the cutting that is a rabbit hole you do not want to go down. It becomes an addiction, both physically and mentally, and its a pain in the *** to quit. That and it ultimately gets you nowhere. I have struggled as a cutter for 7 years, 6 if you count the fact that I was able to abstain for 10 months, but it always gets the best of me. Cutting is a sign that you have emotional pain that you have no other outlet for dealing with...it is a clear sign that therapy (meds or talk) is needed. To address the "Jekyll and Hyde" situation. this is a common scenario amongst teens with depression. Their baseline mood is severely depressed but put in the right situation with the right people and they can enjoy themselves. Ultimately, barring outside influences they are still depressed.  To address why: A: you have abuse in your history that has not been dealt with, B: your parents divorced which likely had an affect on you, C: any other significant loss in your life (ie: moving). All of these alone can cause depression, but another cause of depression has nothing to do with situations. It has everything to do with a chemical imbalance in the brain-in other words there is not a thing you could have done to prevent this. I suggest talking to someone about your feeling whether it be a friend, your mother, or as wogman suggests a priest or pastor. Another option is a counselor at your school. Best of luck, let me know if you have any questions or want to talk.

[wogman]

You've certainly had more than your fair share of confusion and abuse.  I only hope that there will be someone in your community that will enable you to recognize that you are a special person, unique, and someday will be able to use all your bad experiences to help others.  A suggestion would be to go to a protestant church, maybe a baptist one, where confidentiality is assured, and share your pain with the pastor. If that isn't the answer you need, feel free to write to me, and I can be a good listener.  I've had similar experiences, but it's all in the past now.  Maybe the methods I've used to overcome might be of a benefit to you.  I'm here if you need to talk.