Depression, anxiety, bipolar?! PLEASE READ.

[ThatGirl93]

Okay this may be kind of long so I apologise in advance.. But please read to the end and give your opinion!!
I'm going to give as much detail as possible so here goes :)
So I'm a 17 year old girl, currently studying for my A Levels. I've always been an outgoing, sociable, generally happy person, but I've also always been very emotional i.e I'm always either in a great mood or an awful one. My childhoods been normal and I've had no traumatic experiences. But in the beginning of February this year I started to feel abit down. It started as me not going out as much on the weekends, and for about a month or so it slowly progressed. My mum took me to the doctor who said the usual stuff "Find a hobbie to keep you occupied" and I had some blood tests done that came out as normal. But for the next few months I started to feel worse and worse. I started to miss school once or twice a week and when I did go in I was quite on edge and nervous. We kept going back to the doctor but they were reluctant to put me on medication because I'm under 18 so they were just saying that it was a phase. But I became more withdrawn and anxious and eventually when I would try to go to school I would have panic attacks on the wayl, and a few times during school. I couldn't handle the stress and worry that I was going to freak out so just stopped going. I managed to sit my AS levels but had to do it in an isolated room because I couldn't face up to sitting in a crowded hall. By this point we had told the school what was going on and they have been very supportive ever since, focusing on my well-being not my grades. I also started seeing a councillor but that didn't really help much as he kept trying to figure out the cause of my sudden depression, when there wasn't one (at least not one I'm consciously aware of). I didn't want to see a councillor, I wanted to stay in bed, and eat sleep and cry all day. The councillor did however help me with my anxiety and when I eventually went in to school once or twice, I wasn't anxious much at all anymore. What was now holding me back at school was my depression, I would be on the verge of tears all the time. I couldn't concerntrate and then would get worried when I couldn't do the work and cry in the middle of the lesson. I think it was pretty clear to everyone at this point that something was wrong with me. I had told a few of my best friends a brief description of my problems but we didn't really ever talk about it much. I knew they were supportive but they would never bring it up first or ask me about it, I think they felt awkward. I had a short phase of cutting myself before I confessed to my mum because I felt so guilty. I stopped cutting and havent done it since, no matter how much i've wanted to. Anyway so by this time (around May) the doctor had finally made a referral to a psychiatric hospital. We waited a month for an appointment. Then had an interview and the doctor concluded that I needed to be referred again to a different kind of specialist!! But then in June my oldest best friend came to stay for a few days and we had the best time. She instantly put me in a great mood and when she left the feeling didn't stop. I was buzzing. I was ecstatic all the time. My mum commented that I was being hyper and should calm down. I wanted to do something every minute of every day. It was like all the energy that I preserved being depressed for months suddenly came bursting out of me. I went out almost every night. I wanted to see my friends all the time. It was like the old me was back, just louder!! I went away with my family for a few days and had a really good time. I felt like everything that had been getting me down for the past few months had just floated away. I went out and got new clothes and beauty things for the new me. It was awesome. And then I just crashed. I went back to school after a long weekend off and for two days I was fine. And then on the third day I just couldn't get out of bed. I felt the worst I'd ever felt. And from then on I was back to leaving the house once or twice a week to go buy £20 worth of junk food. My councillor said we need to consider manic depression. I had looked it up a few months ago when I first became depressed, and the symptoms seemed to fit my situation. I've since stopped seeing my councillor because I once again became too depressed to care about getting better. It's been about 3 weeks since then and I've deteriorated even further. I never go to school. I never see my friends. I avoid going out at all costs unless it involves getting food for me to stuff my fat face with. My bed and my sofa are my best friends. I don't really communicate with my mum anymore, whilst at the beginning of this she was my strength. When we do talk about what's going on we just argue because she doesn't understand how I feel, no-one can unless they've felt like this! She thinks she knows exactly what I should do to get better, when she doesnt know any more than me! I can never get to sleep before 3am because I can't switch my brain off from worrying. But when I do sleep I sleep for about 11 hours and nap during the day. I pretty much constantly have headaches. I don't get enjoyment out of anything anymore. I fantasise about killing myself and although I know I would never have the guts to do it, plus I couldn't hurt my family like that, most days I do wish I could just do it. I started slightly overdosing on pain killers, at first because my headaches were so bad, but then I wanted them to make me sick. Some days are better than others but most days are awful. I have my next psychiatric appointment on Monday and I'm praying for a diagnosis and therefore a treatment plan.
But I was just wondering, what does it sound like to you guys?
Just recurring depression, or manic depression, or an anxiety disorder mixed with something else, or something else completely?
Please help and just give me some ideas because I don't know what to expect on monday!
P.s I'm SO sorry for the length of this and thankyou so much if you've actually read to the end!

[Mieucamile]

Just know you're not alone ok? We are here for you..

[LatinDancer]

I am 26 years old and now I need you to read this to the end lol. I find this sentence and your novel-long blog, BUT THIS IS BECAUSE I HAD THIS EXPERIENCE NEARLY WORD FOR WORD, EXACTLY. I was depressed all my life, but my manic symptoms started around age 16. I did not know then that this "mania" because I did not know anything about bipolar disorder and that it was a serious medical condition. I was ignorant and believed it was an excuse for people to be "moody" and make excuses. I did terrible things as the years went on. I went back and forth between the exact way you described here. I couldn't get out of bed, I couldn't enjoy even the things I loved and was passionate about. This inability to feel joy at all is called anhedonia; look it up. I would have bouts of almost normal feelings, or what would appear normal to others, but deep down I knew something was wrong with me (unless I was feeling pathetic and guilty and weak). I thought I was immature and whiny and just didn't know how to take responsibility. My husband (I married very early) became less and less patient with me, and so did everyone else. They began to grow tired and felt that I was just living the "misery loves company" life and that it was my my own fault I didn't change because I could if I wanted to. I had no confidence and I hated myself. But around age 22 I had almost an overnight change. I felt confident, more conceited than ever. I thought I was so much more intelligent than everyone else because they were so clueless and sheltered because of their perfect charming lives. That I had overcome such awful pain that they had no idea of, and that I was so superior for not being them- they were empty, pathetic, ignorant people who wouldn't last a day if what I went through what I did. They didn't know real depth, their conversations were so silly and trivial, and their manners prohibited any real conversations and that fake existence was repulsive to me. I told people how stupid they were, that their obliviousness was why they were so joyful and confident people with their comfortable hope, but that they didn't deserve it; they were empty shells and they didn't deserve it because they'd never been tested- not really tested by pain, and they didn't deserve their happiness. I began getting passionate, but not in a normal good way, it was excessive and almost crazy like. People would look at me and kinda roll their eyes by the exaggeration and high-like hyperness. This made me furious. People didn't appreciate how unique I was, how awesome and better than them I was. I never once did drugs- I was adamant about that and for that I am proud because it is VERY common for bipolars who have not been diagnosed or incorrectly diagnosed to lose all hope and resort to street drugs. But what I did begin doing, was something I am haunted by to this day. I slept with every man I came into contact with. People thought I was a nymphomaniac (and I was sexually abused when I was younger, but this was NOT relevant, I know that, I got help right away and I did recover and went back to what at that time was "normal" for us bipolars) but I since I knew it was unrelated I defended my behavior and told people I was "free" for not giving into uptight conventional society. As I said, this started at age 22, and only grew worse as time passed. I did seek help, and I was diagnosed with every disorder you can imagine - Obsessive compulsive disorder (and I had very serious OCD symptoms start at age 16, taking crazy-long showers, even for 2-3 hours at a time) also ADD, Anxiety disorder, panic attack disorder for my panic attacks, ADD, dysthymia and agoraphobia (because I would not leave my house during the depressive episodes), and even borderline personality disorder with narcissistic traits during a manic episode with a therapist. I takes an average of 10 YEARS for a bipolar to correctly diagnosed because the doctors witness whatever episode your having when you're with them. That's all they see, and that's what they will go by. You desperately want to cover everything, because you feel this session is so important and you just can't leave anything out, but you can't. There's not enough time, and sometimes they will not ask the right questions.

[ThatGirl93]

Thanks guys you've been really helpful and encouraging :) really appreciate the advice xxx

[Meoff123]

I agree with easternnickie you should print this out and bring it to your doctor just cus this is what you are actually feeling. As far as your condition sounds, it sounds like you probably have chronic depression or might be bipolar. They are definitely things you should suggest to your doctor if he/she doesn't think of them. Hope it goes well and don't give up.

[easternnickie]

I would pls copy and print what you wrote and give it to your doc. I am 31 and I have been dealing with it for a long time...I just keep going to the doc. I dont know if you smoke weed, but they say it dont help for depression which to me it sounds like you are definetly depressed. Chin up Girl. Life does get better, but you have to help it along with attitude and delegents!! Sometimes just helping out others takes our minds of ourselves. GET OUTSIDE!!!!!, get some sunshine and find a hobby to do outside, like reading, writing, drawing. I promise you its not a phase!!!! Its in your best interest that you dont hold back from the doc ok. Maybe you need a rest and a time out. Take a few steps back and revise and update your life. Just breathing sometimes does the trick! well GOOD LUCK and TAKE CARE!!