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16308986 tn?1446874747

Have I got depression? I guess that's everyone's question

So hey, I'm me, I didn't know where to turn to. I've been in and out of this "hole" for about three years now. I'm 17, nothing is truly entertaining, more-so; if I find something entertaining, I feel guilty for feeling good.

This seems like a ramble so far so I'll try and break it up.

Basically, I've been having moments lasting for up to two weeks where I don't feel sad, nor happy, nor angry; just frustrated, not at anything in particular, more-so myself for the realization that I shouldn't be like this and I haven't done anything about it. I'll laugh if someone says something funny, without thinking about what they said, I write songs about everything (music is all that I feel is a stable thing to keep me sane).

Certain things seem to make me feel how I do when I'm not pessimistic, for example, I basically fell in love with a girl and every time I made her smile I would become happy, of course. Though this girl had depression and anxiety and I found her incredibly relatable. Though since she destroyed my heart, I've had nothing to make me bounce back and the last few weeks have been just getting worse. Notably, just last night, I got the bright idea of grabbing the scissors that were in the bathroom in an attempt to test myself, to test if I could still feel. In the morning I realized what I had done so now I'm here.

Usually, (out of these numb periods of time) I worry about everything, from the way I walk, to saying hello to a friend through Facebook or whatever, even though they may be my closest friend (of which my friends think I should see a psychiatrist), I find myself regretting everything I say, every word could have another meaning. The recipient may have taken what I say the completely wrong way, even days later, I will ask them if they took what I said the right way, if I offended them at all, ect. life is Hell.

There are too many words above to go through to see if I've missed something...

Uh... 6 months ago, my best friend and my grandfather died, as well as my other grandfather coming close to death within a few weeks. Though I was numb at their funerals and other friends thought I was being heartless of which when confronted by everyone's judgmental words, I snapped and had a panic attack in front of them all. (Panic attacks occur with me quite frequently though I have never had the character to ask my parents if I can get checked for mental illness, for one they don't believe in it, and I can't get to a GP myself because I'm living out of town)

That was probably a ramble but if I go through it, I'll probably delete it again like I did last time I wrote all this, so if there is something specific or unclear or if this sounded pointless, I can explain whatever just comment... or w/e
3 Responses
Avatar universal
I can relate.... Alot.  It definitely sounds like depression. I can hardly laugh, cry, feel sad, feel happy ECT. Things that used to make me happy don't anymore..... I really want to be in a band but I feel like there's no point in it anymore. I suggest watching this video: https://youtu.be/dCyhP9nkHSU

It helped me a bit. Hang in there, you won't feel numb forever.
Avatar universal
Hey there!
I am 18 and I understand where you are coming from! :)
I have had quite a reasonable sized depression, though I never got to the point of self-harm.. It was only a thought for me..
I would definitely stay close to your music!! But as I found out the hard way, don't only listen to the hard/deathmetal.. It definitely has its place, but after a couple of months of listening I started to realize that the music isn't uplifting or helping me keep my feelings under control.-- If you know what I mean?

I don't know what the rules on this forum are?? But if you are keen for a long distance friend who is also a avid music lover I would really like it! :) If you are keen just place that in a comment and I will send you my email address.

My grandfather died about 2 years ago now, and I was totally confused!! Death to me doesn't make complete sense.. In fact it makes no sense. I only shed tears because I saw others crying and its one of those contagious feelings.. but I was definitely numb.

I don't really know how to say this in the most PC way.. But I wouldn't at my point in life hold back words because I "feel someone might get offended". It does depend slightly on what it is you are saying, but you will find that friends do understand where you are currently.. And if they don't, I would start making new friends with a different group. And definitely do not ever try and get into the "cool kids group" Just in case you were thinking about it :P
It is a really hard life trying to pick your words and your clothing and your music tastes and the way you eat and the things you eat... etc.. Thats a really depressing life!
Pick some people to become friends with, if there is a girl.. I probably wouldn't aim for a relationship at the beginning.. That's another mistake I made ;)

But one thing- Do not ever feel that your life is unimportant, or worthless.. no matter who tells you otherwise!! You were made by God and He loves you! So find rest in the knowledge that He doesn't make mistakes and that He sent His son Jesus to die for you!
One of the most ultimate decisions you can make is to accept Jesus into your life and give everything to Him.. If you want to know more again- Just tell me and I'll give you my email address.. But God is so totally awesome and He turned my life around and I am now depression free :)
16308986 tn?1446874747
These passages will be abstract because I switched between moods constantly while writing it lol;

Update: I haven't one it for years, but I burst out crying in mid conversation because I made eye contact. Also, I arranged for a friend and I to see the school counselor as a starting point, but well, got cold feet as always. And finally rather than panic in a near-death experience while driving, I almost accepted that I was about to get hit, looked at everyone panicking, then put the car in reverse and backed out just in time - sounds epic but it ended with everyone yelling at me and a driver swap lol.

Also while I'm here, I watched the movies Donnie Darko and Fight Club and the protagonists are extremely relatable in almost every aspect that it was creepy. #Can't wait to speak to Frank.

In response to "OCDSufferer133", I found your linked video helpful at the time that I watched it (in the mood that I was in) I will try to watch it again in a more engaged mood though so I can learn from it. Thank you. Also, I'm sorry to hear about your condition, I hope the storm passes for all of us here.

In response to "Pop_Weasel", the self harm came from my persisting OCD (see my OCD help thread :3) mixed with this negating episode that I feel I might be on the rise for this specific episode until the next one arrives (yay).
Not all metal and deathcore is the same "I hate the world, kill everyone" stuff, as you would know for you said you were/are into that stuffs. I do love to rock out to express myself with ye old Whitechapel/ (old)Suicide Silence, id est "We're all doomed sort of thing" but most of the stuff I listen to is As I Lay Dying, Adept, ect. in there "I know how you feel, be inspired!!!" type of songs; of which I adore.
Death as a prospect isn't something that has worried me, I do not fear it, but I don't go looking for it. I don't see my best friend (and bassist of my band) and Grandfather's deaths as misunderstood, I my friend in particular saw death as the way I see it, basically a void, nothing, no pain, no anger, no happiness, no feeling, no memory - and that's how I'd like it to be (not to sound like a psycho who hurt anyone's feelings... or scare people) but a salvation from pain, if you will.
But the thing is that I will miss them, things are completely different, and my band has flunked because he and I were the ones who would gather everyone up to write, practice and record our music. -and now no one wants to do anything nor do they want to break up.

I don't know what PC means, other than Personal Computer, lol. But the friends I do have, I see each to be individual and to leave any, I worry to hurt them more than I worry about myself. The prospect of "cool kids" I see as "the beauty remains in the eyes of the beholder" ect.

I'm atheist, not to be that guy to disrespect your religion, sorry. I understand your beliefs but I do not share them. I know that no one should believe that they are without worth; I always come to conclude that one can change their views when I talk to my friend who suffers from depression, anxiety, OCD and ADHD - but I also understand that it's almost a Boolean instance until it neutralizes between conditions (where it is not thought about) - basically like a Depression vs Anxiety battle (the way I'm trying to explain this, I mean)
^I think that didn't make sense, but as I said, it's hard to explain perspectives of self worth - another abstract example is smoking, you know that it's wrong but you  do it anyway.

"It is a really hard life trying to pick your..." - so you know where I'm up to in this response, lol;

I know what you mean there entirely, especially with the girl, I also learned that the hard way; I think spending 5 months trying to form a relation with someone is a hard-earned "friendzone" :3

I'm glad to hear that you escaped this hole... have you got a metaphorical ladder on hand? lol

:))))))) (I don't have this many chins)
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