How To Get Over Self-Body Image
Hey... I am 14 years old and dealing with a big problem since hitting the teenage years. I am in high school about to head off to year 9 but the problem began at the begging of year 8 and I am still suffering from the trauma that is has done to my body and mental health. At the begging of year 8 instant-gram was introduced into my life and it had a major impact on me that would change my life forever... I would do anything to reverse getting the app. On instant-gram every now and then motivational quotes and pictures of stick thin girls would appear on my wall at the time it didn't bother me but whoever I got on that social media sight I would see every picture. I than started to look up the motivational quotes, pictures of skinny girls and actually looked up the term 'anorexia' I would do this through our the whole day and this went on for quite some time... The next stage I grew my self into was I started to compare my self to other girls like "aww why can't my stomach be flat" or "can't my skin be that flawless" and "why isn't my legs stick thin" and there were many other things I bragged on about myself. This stage eventually turned into a habit and still struggle with it to this very day. Then me not only reading but actually looking up motivational quotes such as "do more before 8:00am than what people do in a day" and "you can't out exercise an unhealthy diet" or "did you come this fare just to give up?" I was looking up quotes like this and it wasn't long before they began to kick in, I then stared to exercise excessively every afternoon or before going to bed at least. I would make an exercise plan to my likening and count how long it would roughly take me to compete the routine, each exercise routine took me no less than 30 minutes. All this went on for a very long time, estimating around 2 to 3 mouths or more just to acquiring in to getting a flat or toned stomach. Many mouths past by but I couldn't see a change in my body, so I took it to the next step... I then started cutting back on foods and meals to the point where I would only have liquids for breakfast the only decent meal I got out of the whole day was my dinner. I used to have big breakfasts, eat everything that was in my lunch box for school which was a price of fruit, chips, bisects of some sort, muesli bar, a muffin and then your basic sandwich for lunch all this food consumed in between just 6 hours. I would then come home from school and snack on lollies till dinner and a couple of house after my dinner I would then have dessert and then I went to bed... But this has all change since instant-gram became a part of my life, every bit of food was cut back, from the lollies to the chips to the missile bars and even my dessert. For the whole school day I would only have my fruit and my sandwich for the whole 6 hours and managed to survive till dinner only snaking on water and deserted was then skipped, I then went to be on an empty stomach. This continued for a long time while I was constantly weighing myself of a morning and of an afternoon... It wasn't long till my parents took the batteries out of the scales. Before this whole thing turned over I weighed exactly 46.4kilos then my weight dropped dramatically to 42.6kilos. My parents became concerned about my weight and my health and quickly figured out the problem, instant-gram and came up with a solution on the spot... Deleted the app for good. My parents then closed down my account and made sure i will never have access to the app again but I was still traumatised by it all. I came up with a plan in my mind wanting to prove my parents wrong that I didn't need instant-gram to acquire in a flat stomach, but I went down hill form there... Still excessively exercising every night on a lack of energy on an empty stomach, I became very tried quickly than normally and upset or angry easier than I originally did. It started to get very serious and I was determined that I would get a flat stomach, since instant-gram was deactivated and demolished from my life I still had access to the Internet on the family laptop, I googled 'how to get a flat stomach' from there but little did I know my parents where monitoring every link I clicked on, every page I read, everything I searched, they watch my every move I made... My parents gave me many warnings and threatened to deactivate Facebook if I didn't stop what I was doing because I was heading down a dangerous road but I didn't listen. I continued to google 'how to get a flat stomach' but slowly one by one my parent began to block sites I visited the most and block words that I where likely to us... But that didn't work, I used different words and different vocabulary to get around all the block sites and it worked... Only for that day, with my parent constant checking what websites I have visited, blocking sites became impossible so they got ride of the Internet all together, deactivated my Facebook account and the Internet was only used for home-work. Still determined to get that flat stomach after all this trouble, trauma and arguments it has caused I started to bring every meal back up... This was the next stage. I started to binge eat, whenever I felt as though I was running low on energy I would pinch a lolly, chocolate or all over something sweet just to give me that little sugar hit to keep me going through out the day but it didn't end well... Every night while I was in the shower I had the urge to throw up everything to the point where there was nothing left to bring up, this happened every time I had a shower for the past week and a half especially whenever I felt guilty, a shamed, embarrassed, upset, annoyed, angry or whenever I had what felt like an un-healthy meal or whenever I felt as though my stomach was so full it was going to burst...But it began to die off when I saw common-sense to what I was doing to my body and that it was not a healthy alternative, I began to relies that was the acids in your stomach can do to your body when you do something like this... So I slowly stopped. Feeling so stupid, disgusted and a shamed about my self because I quite, I just have up... The self harm faze rolled in. I felt like a loser, a quitter and someone who just gave up on the spot I started slicing the tip of my thighs open in the shower with the blade on a pair of scissors, but the scissors where blunt so I used a knife that I had in my room for a while for scared and safety reasons. I would tear apart my legs to the point my leg felt numb almost but common-seance caught up to me on that one and realised how stupid and scary self-harm is and how devastated people would be if it all went wrong... I didn't want them scared to be there forever, the scars that would remind me of how stupid and selfish I was... That faze only lasted not even half a mouth. My parents said that I was able to get a belly button pierced and I have wanted that for ages but there's a catch, I can only get it done if I have sorted my everything out before the end of December, but my parents don't think I'm ready for a belly button piercing with everything that has happened this year so they offered me a tattoo which is just as good but they think if I get my belly button pierced I will want to get a flat stomach to show it off, I want to be able to prove them wrong! All I need is some tips to make this situation a thing of the past. Help me?