Help me, I'm lonely.

[Jazzy1869]

Hello. I'm 15 years old and I am and lonely and I could do with some advice. Although I have friends at school and my family around me, I still feel alone and helpless. I know this may sound selfish and I am lucky to have friends and family, but I can't help but feel this way. My parents split up about 5 years ago and I currently live with my mum and younger brother. My dad and my grandparents both live in the same town as me, which again, I know is very fortunate. Therefore, I have 3 houses I can go to. I should be happy as I have people who care about me and overall a great life. But, I feel I don't deseve this life. I self harmed last year and told my mum, however we did not seek professional help and I didn't do it again until a couple of months later. I then stopped again and did not tell anyone. The self harm was not severe and I used a razor blade to do it. I only did a few cuts and they weren't deep but I don't believe it matters how severe you self harmed yourself, the fact is you still did it. The other day I did it again, again nothing serious but I felt I had no other choice. This time I smeared the blood on a piece of paper in a notebook which contains my feelings. I use this book to express how I'm feeling when I do not wish to tell anyone else. I write what I think about myself and I try and degrade myself as much as I can. I also get very angry very easily. I've always lost my temper quite quickly but I only let my brother and mum see this. My friends have no idea what I'm like and I fear they won't wish to be friends with me if they find out. I've hit my mum before, not severely but I still did it. I felt awful after I did it but I just can't control my anger. I am easily agitated at home and I either punch an object or sometimes my brother. I know families argue but I feel it's not normal to want to seriously hurt them. Sometimes when I'm angry is scribble my pen all over a page in my notebook which helps to release the anger within me. I've never seemed professional help as I'm too scared and embarrassed to talk to someone as I fear they may just see me as another typical hormonal teenager. But I feel that it's more than that. I love my mum and brother so much and I hate it when I get angry over the tiniest things and it results in me wanting to hurt them emotionally and physically. People may think I'm attention seeking but I'm not. This has been going on for almost a year and I have no one to turn to in confidence. I just don't understand why I feel so alone and angry a lot of the time. Like sometimes I'm so happy and I'm making jokes and laughing but then, just like that, I'll feel all depressed and angry. I'm not the most popular girl in school but I'm not a quiet shy girl. I have lots of friends and people say I'm funny. I am not being arrogant by the way. I have good grades and I used to enjoy school but now I dread waking up to school in the morning. I'm quite skinny, tall and I have long blonde hair. Some girls say they're jealous of my figure but still I have a low self-esteem. I also have a fast metabolism which means I can eat a lot (which I do) and not gain weight. I have gone off food a bit compared to last year. A few months ago it was bad as I wasn't eating as much and I lost a bit of weight. But I'm more confident with food now although I feel a bit uncomfortable eating around strangers. I'm not saying I have an eating disorder or I have anger issues or that I'm depressed, because I havent been diagnosed as I'm unsure about seeking professional advice. Finally, OCD, or in other words Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. No I have not been diagnosed with this either. My mum always teases me and says I have OCD, I know it sounds bad but we've all said it to someone when they're cleaning, etc. But it's become a big problem. For example, when I'm eating or drinking I have to bite the food or swallow the drink in even numbers. Say I'm eating a sandwich, I have to bite the food in an even number or it'll upset me. Things have to be in certain places too, or it'll unerve me and it's the same for the volume of something. Say I'm watching TV, the volume has to be on an even number. I also have started touching things in a certain order an even numbered amount of times. It's begining to become annoying too as I can't stop. I'm conscious other people may notice this too other than my family. To cope, i smoke. My mum knows I've tried it but I don't know whether she knows I still do it. Only a couple of people know I still do it, one is my 12 year old brother, and the others are my 2 friends. I usually smoke atleast twice a week, So, in conclusion, I could just do with some helpful advice on what to do. Whether there's any point in going to the doctors and if so, what things are worth mentioning. If you have any further questions don't hesitate to ask me. Thank you for reading this, it means a lot. Goodbye.  

[Rakesh_1234]

I think...you shud find a good friend of your age..........frankly speaking a boy friend.
This way you won"t feel lonely. you can share ur feelings and problems with him. you can also some good friends on net.
second take part in gaming ...and sports ....(not computer and mobile games)
it will help you a lot.
Best of luck

[Jazzy1869]

Honestly it means so much that you took your time to read my post and reply. I appreciate it so much and it really has given me a confidence boost knowing that there are people out there who want to help, despite the fact we don't know each other. Thank you so much and I'm here to talk if you ever need to

[ThePanduh]

From what I gather, professional opinion could do you some good. Seeing a doctor and getting a proper diagnosis could allow you to receive the treatment you need. I too suffer from most of the things you described here and I am also the same age. If you really can't or don't want to seek proffesionals help, finding a friend or an adult confidant to talk to instead of self harming or hurting people is a really good step. I myself don't know how to bring up the topic of depression with my father(Who I currently live with) so, I made friends via the Internet to allow me to release my feeling without the risk of them telling anyone because they don't know my family. Self harming is not a good way to express your feelings, but a lot of the time it feels like the only way, I get it, but finding other ways to let out your emotions can really set you on the right path. I'm struggling with self harm and I just quit cigarettes, so, just my thoughts, sorry if they aren't of any use