Well, Sweet, you definitely do have plenty to be depressed about. And from the things you said about your mom (especially not ever having friends), it sounds like your brain's current chemistry may also be genetic. Plus you're at the age when the human brain has become capable of seeing things in a new & unsettling way. This, by itself, depresses a lot of kids.
On top of those things, tho, your self talk is making it much worse. And THAT is something is within the range of our control. Not easy, but do-able when we know how to do it, and have the tools to do it with...and (& this is the hard one) the gumption it takes to CHOOSE to take it on.
I'm 66 and have also struggled with depression since I was your age; Finally decided to start taking meds in 2000. Have dealt with the self-talk issue quite a bit...and totally understand your decision to self-isolate. So I have 2 things to say to you and 2 questions to ask.
The first is that no one knows the future except God Himself. We engage in predictions in our heads about our future for a lot of reasons, but truly, it's a fruitless practice. A better practice is getting to be comfortable with "I do not know what lies ahead. I do not need to know right now; my brain just wants to. 'Sorry, Brain. You'll just have to wait, 'cause we are just going to live Today today.'"
When we project our "worst case scenario" as what lies ahead for us, we generate "hopelessness" in our own brains. (also known as catastrophising) Hopelessness exacerbates the negative brain chemistry already going on due to our circumstances and genetics; which in turn generates the most intense emotional pain, which is what you're experiencing, which makes ending one's life look like the only escape from this awful, unbearable pain. It is NOT the only escape, however. There are much, much better routes; routes that go down roads you can't even imagine in your present condition.
Hence, your mission, if you choose to accept it, could be talking to your brain and telling it this. "Brain, I hear that there are things possible for us that we don't know about. I want to go find out if that is true, so I want you to open back up. I promise not to take you into any dangerous territory, and only into places that are safe for us. So please consider doing this for me. Let me know what you decide. You can have as much time as you want. I won't try to force you. Please just hear my request for you to open back up, and be receptive to unfamiliar ideas so you can evaluate them - rationally and objectively - BEFORE deciding whether to accept or reject them. Thank you, Brain. You are a good brain and I like you."
Second, and I'm sure you've heard this before, "You're only 15 (ok, almost 16). You have your whole life ahead of you!" Well, there IS a lot of truth in that statement. While you have already decided that your potential for having anything to contribute to this world is nil, you have already demonstrated in your writing that your potential quotient is quite high, in my opinion. And I am a person who is very choosy about with whom I will interact at all. The fact that your submission moved me to spend this time with you at all tells me that you could develop into a woman who will use this part of your life to have compassion for others in the grips of depression, and to reach out to them... just as I am doing with you right now. And when you get past 18, which is not that far away, you gain the legal right to become self-determining; the designer of how much exposure to either of your parents you wish to have; that is, if you gain some anti-manipulation tools (& weaponry) for your toolbox during the next 2 years (which I'm sure your therapist would LOVE to participate in).
So, next - 1st question: Do you know how to use therapy proactively? And, do you trust your therapist? If not, can you request a change of therapist (which I have down, and without any negative consequence). Therapy is a VERY important tool, but too many people just go to their therapist passively & expect them to do all the work; expecting the therapist to do something TO me, vs. WITH me. I am the driver in the process of fixing me. I am always working on either seeing what I need/want to change, or planning how to work on a particular change, or on putting my plan into action. During my sessions, my therapist hears from me what I am engaged in this week (regarding my change efforts process), then offers her comments and suggestions, which are always extremely helpful to me. I only talk about the events of the week that are relative to my efforts to become the person I want to be.
Lastly, my 2nd question: Are you familiar with the Serenity Prayer? (God grant me the Serenity to accept those things I cannot change, Courage for changing those things I could change, and the Wisdom to see which is which.) Okay, that's my paraphrase, but it is correct. I adopted it when I was 15, not knowing what it meant then, but knowing it was for me. I was 25 when I came to see what it meant. And my use of it over the last 10 years has become more and more constant. Whenever I am in any battle, but especially one involving my emotions, if I remember to pray the Serenity Prayer, I receive the answers I need almost immediately. It has become my #1 GoTo tool for escaping emotional pain.
And you thought YOU were long winded.
That is all I have for you today, SweetDemure, but you will be in my thoughts and prayers. Oh. I forgot one thing. My first therapist told me to go for a walk when I am depressed. I thought she was nuts and didn't even try it. Twenty years later when I was walking my dogs one day, I just happened to remember her saying it, and thought to myself, "OMG. She was right. I was just too stubborn to try it. Duh!"
Enough food for thought to keep you busy for awhile?
I read everything word, because,I as well have a tendency of writing ALOT and hope long ones still get read. I am just starting to use this site again because I honestly dont wantto live and don't want to try-anymore. I feel ya. You don't want to hear my story (my psych
(my shrink said I need to just write a book).
As much as I fee like I want to die,sit and contemplate it.THink how no one would even notice with no friends, I somehow somewhere know that though I feel that way-definately. Having faced death a few times, and remember giving everything in you to not die, to stay alive tell me that I may want to, say **** this world I am out. I don't think I could really do it, I have had multiple friends commit suicide and after awhile, your perscpectives change. I don't know, I am 29 and was saying the same thing at your age. Just don't do it, because we don't know whose life it could siginificantly impact way more than we would have ever thought.
What medications and doses are you on ?
Why don't you try tvns or rtms ? It is very effective for your depression and they are free of side effects.
First focus on getting the right medical treatment lift your mood and rest you can manage with a psychologist