Avatar universal

I honestly don't want to live and don't want to try

This is going to be extremely long and I am very sorry but I am getting to the point where I am ready to kill myself.

I am currently 15 although in a few days I will be turning 16.
I have stopped going to school at shortly after turning 15.
The problem is I suffer from major depression and it's taking such a toll on my life that I barely function or leave my bed at all. I barely get up to urinate,sometimes I go a day or two without a shower and I never brush my hair.
Leaving the house never happens unless it's to go to therapy and sometimes I even skip therapy sessions because I honestly don't care.
I don't want to get better,I don't see the point in it.
Before I go into detail of why I don't care I wish to explain a little more of my current situation.
I am the youngest child and the preferred of my mother.
A lot of people would say "OH YOU ARE HER BABY OF COURSE YOU ARE"
No that is not the reason or at least not all of it.
My father is a very strong narcissist with a very big ego and my mother is a sheltered loner who has no friends.
The only person in her life is my father who she has tried and keeps trying to ruin so he will come back to her.
He is her life and I am her favorite because I am the only child she has had with him.
She was in abusive relationship with the father of my older siblings and has always put me or my father over them.
This is bad because not only did it strain their relationship with hers it strained the one I have with them.
My father did awful things to one of my siblings and my mother actually told them to the police they were lying so my father would not end up in jail. She also bullied my other one for looking just like their father.
I was too young to know any of this and didn't find out till YEARS later so for a long time I looked up to my father.
My mother sheltered me and my father gave me affection, seeing as my mother isn't good with people.
Thus I grew close to my father and was very bonded to him for a long time.
However he moved because they wanted to live in different cities but were still together. At this time I saw him a few times a month.
A few years later me and my mother move back to my hometown. Just me and her.
She suddenly rips up photos of him one day and tells me he doesn't love me and that I have to hate him. I was around 7 or 8 at this time.
I was also being bullied and had began to learn how to make friends because in the other town I had none.
I started to see him less and she would have times where she loved him and times where she hated him.
She also tried to hang herself and because she sheltered me so much I didn't know what she was doing but I had a bad feeling so I stopped her.
She ended up driving him away for a year and told me every single bad thing about him that she knew.
Things a child at that age should never know or hear.
This in turn has caused me to suffer from problems such as being too possessive over people because of my fear of them leaving me or not loving me. I have turned very manipulative like her and will make threats so my friends feel like they can't leave.I do not mean them and sometimes I do make them as a joke.
After finding out about these things my father did and after all the bullying I became depressed.
I was fine at first and had friends and did things.
But as I started 8th grade I made less friends and did less things.
Instead of going outside with friends i'd come home from school and sleep. Or i'd hop straight into bed and never get out.
Around the end of the year in last year I couldn't take it anymore and stopped going to school.
I stopped talking to friends and I started sleeping all day and being awake most of the night.
Around this time I also noticed that I didn't care about my life anymore.
I noticed that I don't add anything important to this world and I could easily be replaced by someone pretty and smart.
I've accepted that I don't matter and that I am truly not going to get better and that's ok.
I don't see the point in living for the good moments if I only have one and live surrounded in bad.
Although I only feel this way about myself and will always try to help out anyone in need.
I am just like my mother and as much as I wouldn't mind having a relationship I am too scared of being manipulative because I have turned this way and I don't think it can change.
So I don't really look forward to getting married having kids.
I don't know what to do though because I am scared of pain even things like needles or being pinched.
I don't self harm because of this though.
I can deal with nausea pretty well though so I have been thinking of that.

Maybe you'll think "if you dont care why did you write this?"
I don't know really, if I get help thats fine but if I dont thats fine too.
Yes I go to therapy and I take medication and I have home therapy
No I don't have friends or people I cant talk to most of the time since my "friends" are online and they have different time zones and they have better friends to worry about.
They even think I fake this or that its not a big deal even though they themselves go through similar things.
So no i don't really have a support group either.

I hope I don't sound snippy or mean i'm just really tired of everything.
4 Responses
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Avatar universal
Well, Sweet, you definitely do have plenty to be depressed about. And from the things you said about your mom (especially not ever having friends), it sounds like your brain's current chemistry may also be genetic. Plus you're at the age when the human brain has become capable of seeing things in a new & unsettling way. This, by itself, depresses a lot of kids.

On top of those things, tho, your self talk is making it much worse. And THAT is something is within the range of our control. Not easy, but do-able when we know how to do it, and have the tools to do it with...and (& this is the hard one) the gumption it takes to CHOOSE to take it on.

I'm 66 and have also struggled with depression since I was your age; Finally decided to start taking meds in 2000. Have dealt with the self-talk issue quite a bit...and totally understand your decision to self-isolate. So I have 2 things to say to you and 2 questions to ask.

The first is that no one knows the future except God Himself. We engage in predictions in our heads about our future for a lot of reasons, but truly, it's a fruitless practice. A better practice is getting to be comfortable with "I do not know what lies ahead. I do not need to know right now; my brain just wants to. 'Sorry, Brain. You'll just have to wait, 'cause we are just going to live Today today.'"

When we project our "worst case scenario" as what lies ahead for us, we generate "hopelessness" in our own brains. (also known as catastrophising) Hopelessness exacerbates the negative brain chemistry already going on due to our circumstances and genetics; which in turn generates the most intense emotional pain, which is what you're experiencing, which makes ending one's life look like the only escape from this awful, unbearable pain. It is NOT the only escape, however. There are much, much better routes; routes that go down roads you can't even imagine in your present condition.

Hence, your mission, if you choose to accept it, could be talking to your brain and telling it this. "Brain, I hear that there are things possible for us that we don't know about. I want to go find out if that is true, so I want you to open back up. I promise not to take you into any dangerous territory, and only into places that are safe for us. So please consider doing this for me. Let me know what you decide. You can have as much time as you want. I won't try to force you. Please just hear my request for you to open back up, and be receptive to unfamiliar ideas so you can evaluate them - rationally and objectively - BEFORE deciding whether to accept or reject them. Thank you, Brain. You are a good brain and I like you."

Second, and I'm sure you've heard this before, "You're only 15 (ok, almost 16). You have your whole life ahead of you!" Well, there IS a lot of truth in that statement. While you have already decided that your potential for having anything to contribute to this world is nil, you have already demonstrated in your writing that your potential quotient is quite high, in my opinion. And I am a person who is very choosy about with whom I will interact at all. The fact that your submission moved me to spend this time with you at all tells me that you could develop into a woman who will use this part of your life to have compassion for others in the grips of depression, and to reach out to them... just as I am doing with you right now. And when you get past 18, which is not that far away, you gain the legal right to become self-determining; the designer of how much exposure to either of your parents you wish to have; that is, if you gain some anti-manipulation tools (& weaponry) for your toolbox during the next 2 years (which I'm sure your therapist would LOVE to participate in).

So, next - 1st question: Do you know how to use therapy proactively? And, do you trust your therapist? If not, can you request a change of therapist (which I have down, and without any negative consequence). Therapy is a VERY important tool, but too many people just go to their therapist passively & expect them to do all the work; expecting the therapist to do something TO me, vs. WITH me. I am the driver in the process of fixing me. I am always working on either seeing what I need/want to change, or planning how to work on a particular change, or on putting my plan into action. During my sessions, my therapist hears from me what I am engaged in this week (regarding my change efforts process), then offers her comments and suggestions, which are always extremely helpful to me. I only talk about the events of the week that are relative to my efforts to become the person I want to be.

Lastly, my 2nd question: Are you familiar with the Serenity Prayer? (God grant me the Serenity to accept those things I cannot change, Courage for changing those things I could change, and the Wisdom to see which is which.) Okay, that's my paraphrase, but it is correct. I adopted it when I was 15, not knowing what it meant then, but knowing it was for me. I was 25 when I came to see what it meant. And my use of it over the last 10 years has become more and more constant. Whenever I am in any battle, but especially one involving my emotions, if I remember to pray the Serenity Prayer, I receive the answers I need almost immediately. It has become my #1 GoTo tool for escaping emotional pain.

And you thought YOU were long winded.

That is all I have for you today, SweetDemure, but you will be in my thoughts and prayers. Oh. I forgot one thing. My first therapist told me to go for a walk when I am depressed. I thought she was nuts and didn't even try it. Twenty years later when I was walking my dogs one day, I just happened to remember her saying it, and thought to myself, "OMG. She was right. I was just too stubborn to try it. Duh!"

Enough food for thought to keep you busy for awhile?
Helpful - 0
7033493 tn?1387272744
I read everything word, because,I as well have a tendency of writing ALOT and hope long ones still get read. I am just starting to use this site again because I honestly dont wantto live and don't want to try-anymore. I feel ya. You don't want to hear my story (my psych
Helpful - 0
7033493 tn?1387272744
(my shrink said I need to just write a book).
As much as I fee like I want to die,sit and contemplate it.THink how no one would even notice with no friends, I somehow somewhere know that though I feel that way-definately. Having faced death a few times, and remember giving everything in you to not die, to stay alive tell me that I may want to, say **** this world I am out. I don't think I could really do it, I have had multiple friends commit suicide and after awhile, your perscpectives change. I don't know, I am 29 and was saying the same thing at your age. Just don't do it, because we don't know whose life it could siginificantly impact way more than we would have ever thought.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
What medications and doses are you on ?
Why don't you try tvns or rtms ? It is very effective for your depression and they are free of side effects.
First focus on getting the  right medical treatment lift your mood and rest you can manage with a psychologist
Helpful - 0
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