I’m 14 and I’m going into high school next year. For the past year and half, two years I’ve been really different. A lot of people say it’s a teenage thing, and hormones, but I thinks it’s something more.
Like I’ve always been super into school and learning new things, even when I was in 6th grade. I just loved school and everything about it. I had really good grades, all 95 or above, and I would strive for 110%. I had good friends, really good friends, and we would hang out like once a week (I’m am introverted, so this was like a good norm.). Once I hit 7th grade I just lost all interest in school. My grades were still decent, but I got my first B in my entire life. I started to skip doing my homework. I put little effort in my projects, and when I was suppose to read a book I would just skim it (this was a change cause I usually read the book multiple times, and add notes throughout). Most days I would have what I thought were panic attacks because I didn’t want to go to school. I’m not sure if they were panic attacks, but I would start crying frantically and start pacing, but then I would sit down and like rock. It was always hard to breathe too. Most times my parents would still sned me that day and then I would just be on the verge of tears all day. I started to get annoyed with my friends, texting them less, talking to them less. I never had anyone over. I got little to no sleep. I wouldn’t be able to fall asleep til 3AM, but would have to wake up at 6AM for school. Some days I wouldn’t be able to fall asleep at all, and would just go to school with it’s no sleep. Even though I barely got any sleep, I still was unable to fall asleep.
During the middle of 7th grade I joined an All Star cheerleading team. I was happier than ever, at least when I went there. I was still having panic attacks before school. I still wasn’t sleeping. But at least I had an outlet. Summer came and I didn’t really hang out with anyone. I maybe had people over at my house like at most 8 times that summer, which is weird because even tho I’m introverted, I like to see people every once and a while.
Then 8th grade began. Cheer had ended and hadn’t started up yet, but I was doing ok. Then Cheer started again and I loved that, but I hated school more and more. I had B’s in two different classes, one almost being a C. Well my parents noticed now, but thought that I was bored with the classes, which I was, but not for the reasons they thought. I changed schools mid year. I went to an online charter school. I didn’t text any of my friends from school for more than 6 months. I was behind on most of my school work. I cried myself to sleep. Some days I would just log into school, for attendance, and then just watch tv or sleep. I still went to bed at like 3-4AM and I didn’t get up til like 12PM or later. My grades are still really good because the classes were so easy that I just didn’t need to try to get good grades.
Now we are to current date. My cheer season just ended, and school just finished. I have made some cheer friends and talk to them occasionally. I haven’t talked nor seen any of my school friends ever since I left (in December). I belive it’s getting worse because this year I’m not allowed to do all star cheer because it got too expensive. This year I was told I could do high school cheer or no cheer. Me knowing that it’s the one thing I loved, I tried out for high school. I made the varsity team, but still wasn’t really too happy about it. I started having panic attacks, and still do, before going to the practices. I’ve missed a lot of practices so far. My coach, tonight, called my mom asking if I was still on the team. We had a sit down. I burst into tears, and kept saying “you don’t understand.” I was so confused because I knew I loved cheer, and I loved going there, but for some reason I didn’t want to go. Tonight me Mom told me that I had to quit or go to the practice tonight late. I was still frantically crying so I didn’t go. I ended up quitting the one thing I loved most tonight, and that’s why I’m writing this (at 3AM). I believe it has come to far.
I’ve never told anyone, and I mean ANYONE, this. People just see me as being extremely optimistic and happy all the time, but I don’t feel that way. I have felt for the longest time miserable and exhausted. I’ve never told my mom either. I’m a very distant person due to a few reasons. I’ve had a few best friends in the past, and I would always open up to them, but they either left me or turned on me. So I think I have some trust issues because of this. I’ve never been super close to my mom, or especially my dad because of my older sister. My older sister has been diagnosed with a lot of things, ADHD, anxiety, depression. My sister has always been my father’s “princess.” He coddles her. If I make a loud noise I get yelled at, if she makes a loud noise she is asked if she is ok. Since she has a few conditions, also she has learning disabilities, they baby her. I’ve always been told that I’m independent and that I don’t ever really need help, I shouldn’t need help. I’m expected to get perfect grades, and always be happy and behaved. They get really mad and disappointed if I ever do something wrong, while me sister doesn’t. They expect more from me. They expect everything from me. I also haven’t told my mom because my sister did have anxiety and depression. I believe that if I tell her she’ll think I’m trying to get attention. She thinks that me crying and having panic attacks before going to school and practice is just for attention and to get out of something. Also there is a running joke with my age group they they’re all depressed and anxiety ridden, so every adult just assumes they’re being framing and fake, and it’s just teenage hormones. tonight my mom jokingly said “we should take you to therapy,” and then just laughed, along with my father, because they thought it was too funny to be true. Honestly in my mind I was begging them to take me, but in reality I just laughed along with them. We also recently have just gotten a “family” dog. I put “family” in quotes because that’s what he’s suppose to be, but in reality my sister takes him 90% of the time due to her anxiety. The dog does help me though. I would like to mention that I am not thinking about committing suicide or anything like that, but I’ve just been really down for a really long time and I wish it to stop because it making me do things I don’t want to do (like quit cheer). Im now going into high school soon, and I’m afraid it’s going to get worse, and I can’t tell anyone.
Im not really sure if any of y’all can give some advice, but I mainly wrote this to vent because this actually the first time I written all this down on paper (even electronically) and it’s helped a little bit (even tho I cried while writing the whole thing).