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I'm really stressed about my boyfriend's depression.

Okay, i'm sorry that this isn't about me. But, recently i've been so stressed with my boyfriend's depression. He is 13, i am 14, and we're both in the same grade. However, because of his depression, he has come to school drunk twice. When I spoke about it to him, he said he "promised" not to do it again but if he did, he wouldn't tell anyone. He has drunken alcohol no more than 10 times. Mostly in front of his family but i'm worried because I know alcohol has longterm effects on teenagers and I'm worried he might do it alone and not tell anyone... I want to know how I can help him... It's stressing me out and whenever I get stressed, I don't sleep and I don't eat much. Please tell me what I can do for him.
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Avatar universal
Thank you for writing. I have been in a similar position. There is an entire organization for people who know someone with a drug or alcohol addiction problem, and in his case it goes along with depression, and there's a whole wealth of knowledge and experience that I can't squeeze in here but I'll try.

Basically,one big primary goal is, to always take care of yourself first. In fact, when you learn how to take care of yourself when you are stressed, then you by example show him how he can take care of himself when he is stressed, or depressed. (Ways which don't involve drinking.)

One primary way is to go to a support group, where one finds other people who understand, and care, and no matter what, they listen to your story, and they still accept you afterwards, and THAT can be very healing and reassuring.

There may be a Al-Ateen or Nar-Ateen group in your area, or something similar. These are groups for teens who know someone who has an addiction problem. About half of everyone who has a mental illness problem, such as depression, or bipolar (moodswings from mania to depression), or other mental disorders, about half of them also develop a drug or alcohol addiction problem, so it's very common to find both. People drink and use drugs to escape. To escape the crappy world they live in. To find happiness when they are not happy. To self-medicate their mental illness problem.

Here's a quick lesson on brain addiction and how it happens. (I've been studying this for a few years now.) Understanding this helps lead to understanding how to pursue recovery. Pretend your arm is your spine. Make a fist, that's your midbrain. Place your other hand over your fist, that's your cortex (the wrinkly stuff when you look at the outside of a brain.) (The brain has more parts, but for this discussion we're interested in the "midbrain" and the "cortex" (or "frontal cortex" or "prefrontal cortex". I'm not an expert yet.)

The midbrain is the most primitive part. This is where emotions come from. The midbrain's purpose is to keep you alive and pass your genes on to the next generation. If you see a scary tiger running towards you, your midbrain goes, "Yikes! Run!" and you run. If you see delicious food, your midbrain urges you to approach the food, reach out, and eat it. If you see a handsome man, your midbrain urges you to approach and engage.

The midbrain tells us what to do, without bothering to explain _why_ we should do these things. It doesn't explain why we should run from scary tigers, why we should eat food, or why men are attractive to us. It just tells us what to do, and a very long time ago that was good enough.

Later we developed a prefrontal cortex. This is where rational thought resides. This is where we imagine possible outcomes, consider consequences, and make rational decisions. The prefrontal cortex can override the desires of the emotional midbrain that just wants what feels good. The prefrontal cortex is however rather slow at figuring things out. If the prefrontal cortex sees a scary tiger running towards you, it might think, "Hmm, that looks like a large tiger running towards me. Let me project into the future possible outcomes. The tiger might jump on me, knock me down, rip me apart with its claws, bite me with its teeth. OK I don't think that would be a good thing to have happen to me. Let's see, what options do I have to deal with this. What can I do to avoid this unfortunate projected outcome? I could fight the tiger with this stick I have. Or I could run away. Hmm, which I should chose? Fight or run? How about we run. Yes, let's try that. Let's run away."

Notice how the prefrontal cortex took a long time to figure out what to do about the tiger running towards you. All the while the midbrain already has an action plan. The midbrain, upon first noticing the tiger, emotionally thought, "Yikes! Run!" However, the prefrontal cortex is overriding the midbrain. The prefrontal cortex is saying, "Hold on there midbrain, let's not be hasty about this. Let me think about this." The midbrain however, sees the prefrontal cortex as a _liability_  in this scenario (This cortex is going to get us killed!), so the midbrain literally shuts down the prefrontal cortex--it squeezes off the blood supply to the prefrontal cortex, literally shutting it down, allowing the midbrain to gain control so it can quickly make you run away. That's how evolution resolved the problem of tigers and the slow thinking cortex. The solution works great for tigers. It's an absolute disaster when it comes to addiction.

That's the tricky part about addiction and the brain The rational thinking prefrontal cortex is usually in control; however, under duress the midbrain can shut down the prefrontal cortex, so you literally can not think rationally anymore, and you just react emotionally. The prefrontal cortex is the part of the brain that decides, "I want to stop using drugs / stop drinking alcohol." As long as the person remains in a calm serene happy state, the prefrontal cortex remains in control. However, if the person becomes stressed (and let's face it, our modern day society creates stress everywhere), the midbrain can gain control by seeing the prefrontal cortex as a liabiliy and shutting it down so the midbrain can get what it wants. The midbrain, when stressed, sees this as a potential life-or-death situation, and to save your life,it will literally shut down the rational thinking prefrontal cortex, and take over control, and say, "What will get me out of this stress? I know, alcohol will fix this. Get me that alcohol." And the person goes off and drinks alcohol.

One more thing to note, if you look at a diagram of the brain, notice the midbrain is located BETWEEN the cortex and the spine. All decisions the cortex makes must go through the midbrain before they reach the spine and the rest of the body. The midbrain must approve anything the cortex decides to do. The midbrain, because of where it's positioned, can also take over control of the body, and leave the cortex out of the loop. The part of the brain that decides "I don't want to drink anymore" isn't the part of the brain that becomes addicted.  — it's the primitive midbrain that becomes addicted.  

If people could simply decide to stop using drugs and stop drinking alcohol, then there wouldn't be any alcoholics and addicted people in the world. People would simply chose to stop drinking and using drugs. But it's not that simple. Addicted people DO chose to stop drinking and to stop using drugs — and then they keep drinking and using drugs. Which is VERY confusing to them, and everyone else around them!

It's like a rider on a horse. Who really is in charge? Usually the rider is in control of the horse. But if the horse gets spooked, the horse can run off, with the poor rider being taken along for a ride he's not in control of. That is the life of the alcoholic an drug user. A person uses drugs, it becomes a problem, they decide they should stop — and that's when they discover they literally can not stop. It's too late. They are already addicted.

This is the dilemma of someone who has developed an addiction problem. They rationally decide they no longer want to do drugs / drink alcohol; then they get stressed, and they find themselves doing what they decided they didn't want to do anymore. They literally can not control themselves anymore, because the midbrain is shutting down their prefrontal cortex where rational thought occurs.

The solution then, is to learn how to mitigate stress, learn how to relax, learn how to stay calm, learn how to find happiness without using drugs/alcohol. When in a calm serene happy state, the prefrontal cortex remains online and active, you remain in control.
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Western philosophy doesn't have much to help with how to remain calm, serene, and happy. Eastern philosophy however specializes in this. Eastern philosophy developed Mindfulness Meditation, yoga, Qi-Gong, Tai-Chi, Falon Dafa, and other similar mind and body exercises. By practicing Mindfulness Meditation for a few minutes each day, you can strengthen a part of the brain known as the Anterior Cingulate. This part of the brain helps decide if you will react rationally or emotionally to a given situation. Brain scans show this part of the brain becomes stronger after having done Mindfulness Meditation for 2 months. Like strengthening a muscle. Using brain neurons strengthens those neurons and builds more. You'll find you have more tolerance to stressful situations, you're better able to remain in control (the prefrontal cortex remains online, doesn't get shut down). Thus one tool of recovery is learning Mindfulness Meditation. Yoga, Qi-Gong, and Tai-Chi are meditative motion exercises. You're learning to focus your mind on slowly and deliberately moving your own body, while maintaining your focus on your body. Chanting is another way of focusing one's mind that I am not as familiar with, but I've heard others say it's helped them in the same way I've heard people say Mindfulness Meditation has helped them.

There are Meditation apps you can download to help guide you through a meditation sitting. (Headspace is one which I used for a while. See the short animations at  the beginning of lessons 3, 5, 7, 9 which give a good explanation.) You may also find a meditation class or group to go to. (This can help with getting the social aspect in.) Alternatively, you can find a yoga class you like, or Qi-Gong or Tai-Chi. (Yes, yoga helps cure addiction and is very much a mind exercise.) Other tools which can help: finding a supportive group of people to meet with regularly. (Hence AA, NA, Al-Anon, Nar-Anon, and similar groups, including ones for teens, AA for teens, NA for teens, Al-ateen, Nar-ateen. High Schools and even Junior High Schools are having counselors and groups.) Look for ways to alleviate stress (other than engaging in addictive behaviors). Too many classes? Drop a class. No purpose and meaning in life or reason to get up in the morning? Add a class. Develop a spiritual life. (The 12 steps are one path that helps point the way. It's not the only path to recovery.)

If you're interested in further study, you can research the Sympathetic Nervous System (SNS)(fight or flight state) and the Parasympathetic Nervous System (PNS)(rest, digest, restore). Stress leads to triggering the SNS state, while relaxation triggers the PNS state. Addiction can happen when one is chronically in a SNS state (fear, anxiety, stress). Recovery can happen when one is mostly in a PNS state (peace and happiness). (You can also research "Polyvagal Theory", which is another term for the same thing.) Other things the addicted person can do: stay away from people/places/things associated with former drug/alcohol use. Out of sight, out of mind. If the emotional midbrain doesn't see it, then it's not thinking about it. Sorry this was a long explanation. I hope it's useful. Now you can better understand addiction and how to control it.

(I suggest try downloading the Headspace app and give it a try. Or some Mindfulness Meditation app. Start with just one minute. That's good for a beginner. For just one minute, try focusing your attention on the present moment and just notice and observe. You can also try the "Notice something you see Notice something you hear. Notice something you feel. Notice something you taste. Notice something you smell." We're engaging the senses and focusing on the present moment, exercising that part of the brain which processes the present moment. When the mind wanders, which it will after about 10 seconds, let the thought go and return your focus to the present moment. Do this for one minute.  It'll take a few weeks of practice, but you should then start to notice a change. You'll be more relaxed and happy and able to control yourself.)

When you master this, that's how you take care of yourself. You can also demonstrate it to your friend, because this is the tool he will need to learn to take care of himself, which will help him stop drinking. That and understanding how his brain works, how mitigating stress is the key to recovery, how finding a supportive group is also key. First cultivating the desire to stop drinking. If he's not ready yet, don't push it, just keep planting that seed, and hope that one day it sprouts. Always take care of yourself. If he's drunk, it's quite alright to turn him away, not because you don't care for him, but because you don't want to deal with the drama of having a drunk person around. You always care about him, but you also take care of yourself, and that means sometimes letting him be drunk elsewhere, and insisting it be elsewhere.

Oh and guilt. Here's something you can give to his parents. Parents will wonder if it's their fault, or their kid's fault. They always overlook the third possibility —which, to quickly explain, I must first tell a quick anecdote:

Imagine we have a mechanical clock, and inside are various gears and other mechanical parts. The clock works fine for a while, then one day the clock malfunctions—the clock gives us “an unfavorable result”, we say the clock is “broken”. We want to fix the clock, so what do we do? We take the clock apart and look for the broken part. Our intention is to find the broken part, and once the broken part is identified we can repair or replace the broken part and then the clock should function properly again. Now imagine we open the clock and carefully examine all the internal parts, and we discover that every single part is in perfect pristine condition. The clock is broken, and yet there are no broken parts. How is this possible? It’s possible because the problem may lie in the design of the clock itself. It's possible for a system with no broken parts to still fail, because the design of the system-as-a-whole may be faulty. The design of the system-as-a-whole, how all the parts are positioned and interact with one another, and the environment in which they interact, that design may be where the problem lies.

When the system includes people, and something goes wrong, we do exactly the same thing we do with a broken clock. We examine the system of people and look for the defective person. We seek to identify the defective person with the intention of either repairing or replacing that defective person; however, it’s possible there are no defective people, it’s possible the problem lies with the design of the system-as-a-whole instead. This is how it’s possible for a system to give an unfavorable result even though no one is to blame. There are no defective people, it’s just an imperfect system we live in. Environmental factors, cultural factors, the way we interact with one another, the philosophy we use to guide us, it’s possible the problem lies with our philosophy, and not with any particular individual.
Good and Bad exist only within the system which defines it. Outside that system there is no Good or Bad, things just are what they are. Similarly, Guilt originates from the system which assigns it. Outside that system Guilt doesn’t exist, things simply are what they are. Guilt may have served a useful purpose at one point, but when we reach the point of drug addiction, guilt becomes an impediment to recovery. In order to alleviate guilt, we must understand where it comes from. Guilt comes from within. We generate our own guilt. It comes from us applying our own philosophy on ourselves. When our philosophy no longer serves us well, it’s time to replace that old philosophy with a new philosophy which serves us better. Changing our philosophy is at the very core of recovery.

Initially it may seem having no one to blame is a wonderful thing. What a relief! There is however a hidden downside which makes this option actually the scariest option of them all.

Option 1: Blame the Parent:

Hidden within this option is the idea that the parent has control. The parent could have prevented this from happening, if only the parent had done something different. The parent didn't do something quite right, the parent screwed up, somehow, and that's why the result was bad. The parent is guilty of doing the wrong thing.

Option 2: Blame the Patient:

Hidden within this option is the idea that the addict has control. The addict chose to use drugs. This part may actually be true. However, the addict didn't chose to become addicted to drugs. No one ever chooses this. Indeed from the addict's point of view they aren't addicted, they are simply using, but they could chose to stop at any time, if they wanted to. The illusion of control is maintained. (The patient actually IS in control as long as they are not stressed. Stress shuts down the frontal lobe allowing the addicted midbrain to take over. See the youtube video Is Addiction Really a Disease? [Yes it is.] Dr. Kevin McCauley https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b2emgrRoT2c)

Option 3: Blame the System-as-a-whole:

The third option, blaming the design of the system-as-a-whole, frees us from guilt, but has hidden within it the implication that we are simply NOT in control. This is a very _scary_ thought!

And it happens to be step one of the twelve steps. "We admitted we were powerless."

I interpret step one as "Give Up." Well that's quite nice isn't it? We don't really need any more steps after that do we? We give up and we're done. There's nothing left to do.

However, then I read there's a second step, which claims there's a "higher power". And I'm thinking, "Wait a minute, there may be a loophole. I may not be in control, but there's a "higher power" that can fix this. All I need to do is figure out how to control this "higher power." What do I need to do to get this "higher power" to do what I want? Should I Pray? Sacrifice a goat? Is this higher power like a genie which grants wishes, or a divine Santa Claus that gives us whatever we ask for?

Of course that's not quite how it works. We can not control this higher power, as that would ultimately contradict step one, which is we are not in control.

Also step 2 does not say this higher power will "fix" things, it instead says this higher power will "restore us to sanity." Wait a minute. Suddenly the focus is on me? He's the one with the problem that needs fixing. But apparently I have a problem too. My problem is my friend's addiction is affecting me. I am having an emotional reaction to my friend's problem. I have a problem too. I can not control my friend. But I can work on myself. I can become aware of my own emotional reaction to my friend's drama, and deal with that problem first, because that's my problem. That's a problem I have control over. And I can teach my friend the tools which help lower stress. And I can encourage him, have compassion for him, acknowledge his struggles, commend his efforts, rejoice in his successes, and commiserate with him when there are problems.

Best wishes!
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