My entire life is falling apart.

[Kuriketto]

It felt like only yesterday when I put my entire life and soul into my friends... my friends who were only a click away but were yet so out of reach. Although it didn't always help me completely, I poured out my emotions and depression to them, and received kindness and support in return. But now... the more I release my emotions to the ones who care about me so much that I can't comprehend... almost more than my real friends and family seem to, the more annoyed and frustrated they become. I release my most innermost sentiments and tell them how I feel about myself... I tell them how worthless and sad I feel, how horrible I feel I have become, and although I always say that I don't want support or forgiveness, I secretly do. And suddenly, insitead of treating me with the kindness and love they treated me with for the two years I've known them, they yelled at me. They insulted me. They were sick and tired of me and how I feel. They were ready to abandon me. I wa so confused and heartbroken... so suddenly, one of my only friends has decided to leave me? And so I stopped saying what I said. They apoligized for hurting my feelings... but I knew that they no longer saw me in the same way that they used to for so long. And this one person wasn't the only once. Based upon their tone and uses of words... I could tell that my friends didn't seem to care about me as much as they used to. They just said things like how it was irritating that I was so depressed and they told me to see a pcycatrist (spelled wrong) if I felt that bad. But... it's not that easy, to kick yourself and force yourself to talk to someone like that, especially if you've been dealing with this depression for so long. Even though they always say that they understand and that they're always there for me, and even though they STILL say that to me, I know that they don't think like that anymore. That place, where all of my friends are... that was my safe place, the one venting place I had and trusted and nowhere else. And now... my friends are slowly fading away, and I'm not keeping promises to them anymore. And whenever I express my emotions the situation just gets worse and I continue to feel alone, since they don't treat me the same way anymore. Now... I feel like I can barely release my emotions anymore among the people that I trust and know so well and love because they are slowly walkig away from me; one day they'll all abandon me. I'm no longer the kind, supportive, wise friend they have always known and loved, and the girl that prevented them from killing themselves or running away from their dreams? Me? That's not who I am anymore. They have told me so many times that I was their only friend and that I was the reason that they continued to life life at its fullest. But what can I say to them now, now that I've just become a lifeless shell myself? Also, I have continued to think about my love. He's no longer around, since he is so busy with school and a job; he has no time for foolish children such as myself. Even though I know he cares about me with all his heart, I cannot help but wonder if he truly loves me back. I mean, I admitted my love to him, and he gave me the option of whether (based upon what my family and I are comfortable with) I had wanted to continue to be friends or whether I wanted to take a step into a relationship with him; a platonic love. I told him that I would continue to be a friend until I told my parents what was going on and got their approval to take another step, even though I love him to pieces. Although I've told him many times that I cannot stop thinking about him and I've made it obvious that I love him very much I don't think he knows the true extent of my longing to be with him. I think about him every day and how much I want to be with him forever... how much it hurts, knowing that he is so far away, in age, wisdom, location.. et cetera. Even though he gave me options on what to do with our relationship, he has never told me how he feels about me. He never clearly said if he sees me as a friend or a love... how he truly feels inside. And I want him to love me back so much, but I know that he never saw me the same way I saw him, and it is destroying me, seam by seam, snapping every heartstring in my body. I feel like I clown compared to him; a fool, an idiot, a mere child getting over her head in this delusion called love. I can almost bet that he sees me as a child or a little sister he has to take care of. Even so he cares about me more than any of us can understand, he has always told me that he cannot cure me of my sadness, even though he wants to so much. And I always find myself naively refusing to accept that. He can cure me, and because of his understanding and his kindness, he has been. But... at the same time, the love I have for him is tearing me apart. I've been thinking about running away from home, traveling to many places on my own, running awayfrom what burdens me. I've even thought about running away to try to find my love. I've even had some dreams where my family dies and I end up living on my own, searching for my love to fill the void in my heart. I've even had a dream where my mom and my autistic brother died in a car crash and I was the only survivor. And my dad, in the hospital, told me that now, I was all he had. So how could I tell him that I was in love with a seventeen-year -old online? How could I tell him how I truly felt? How could I run away? How could I do the things I wanted without hurting him? And I feel like this to everyone; I just want to run away, but that would hurt them, too. I want to do drastic things to avoid hurting others more than I already have but I can't. Ever since I was a child, whenever I would release my emotions I would always hurt them. They would be pointing at me, crying, screaming, laughing. And I would cry myself, because hurting others... it hurts me, and with this weak shell of mine, I cannot handle being hurt. So I've become selfish, to avoid being hurt; to avoid hurting others. But I continue to say stupid things and I continue to hurt others. I feel like a monster who needs to be chained, who needs to be stabbed in the heart and pushed to the bottom of the ocean. I want to kill myself so much, for it would be the last heartbreak I would bring to anyone...

I don't know what I want. Sympathy? Pity? Advice? Support? Sometimes I want all of these things, and sometimes I want to be ignored. Because of all the pain and frustration I've brought to people, this may be one of my last posts. I cannot rely on others to solve my problems for me. I'd rather die alone... but I'm scared. It hurts too much...

[Kuriketto]

Don't worry about me anymore; I've written a new journal entry... none of this matters anymore. ^_^

And I'm not smiling because of sadness, you know.

But although I'm leaving Medhelp (read the journal entry for more info) I thank everyone for all of the support; I've never felt more cared for in a long time.

[brice1967]

I agree with Nighthawk.  Some real valuable information has been given by people who've been in your shoes, and you somehow feel the need to make your situation bigger, deeper than anyone elses.  Many, many people have been thought situations like yours.  The only thing making a difference is, this is YOUR situation.

Pretty much everyone who has commented here completely understands what you are going through.  We've lived it!  When it happens to you, you feel that nobody understands... I get that.  Everyone here is telling you that they do understand and everyone... including this kid in Texas has said that you need to seek the help of a professional.  

It seems as if you are looking for someone (maybe this kid in Texas) to just show up and make everything okay... better than okay.  Real life doesn't happen that way.  Your happiness, your sanity is all dependent on what you put into it.  You have to put into the situation in order to get anything out of it.

If you believe that someone can walk into your life and make everything wonderful, you are setting yourself up for a big fall.  In order for you to have a life that you want, YOU have to do certain things.  I'd suggest seeking the help of a professional regarding your depression as a good starting point.  

[Nighthawk61]

You keep saying that you hope someone will understand, and missing the point that every adult on here that has addressed your concerns understands completely. Simply put, you are in denial. You didn't answer the question about talking to your parent's about your great love interest, so you need to give this some though too, or it will get as old as refusing to get professional help for your "long term" depression. Feel better.

[Kuriketto]

Trying to defend myself and him is useless... I don't know what to say... I cannot believe that and I refuse to believe that, but I don't know how to respond. I feel defeated, honestly. Perhaps I'll just call it a night; hopefully things will get better and hopefully someone will understand. Thank you for the support.

[Nighthawk61]

I am asking that you learn to read between the lines....



"Before I could ever say whether or not I liked you"


So his "inherent love" does not even include "liking you"?


blah blah blah dear, words are cheap and he lives in texas,long distance relationships are difficult for adults with high paying jobs, the chances of this becoming a romantic relationship are slim to none,

what he may be asking is whether your parent's are willing to sign away their custodial rights and give you to this 17 year old, so why don't you ask them?

He's made it clear that he cannot help you with your depression, you need to talk to a professional about your depression and your online obsession.

Please get help.

[Kuriketto]

I'm not saying this because I'm naive; I'm saying this because this is what actually happened. When he said that he could not cure me of my sadness, we were talking about my depression. He was saying that as much as he cares about me and as much as he wants me to be happy, he cannot so easily cure me of my sadness, by waving a magic wand or simply praying that I feel better. He cannot just heal me in an instant and no one is capable of that, but he said that he would support me any way possible and help me to try to feel better. Our relationship and my depression were two different things at the time. And today I was talking to him, and this is what he said, about how he feels about me and about our difference in age.

"...I, for one, do not doubt potential emotions, nor would I ever doubt that I could love you eventually (more than the inherent love I already have for you as a person :) ), but I want you to understand why I am responding the way I am. I've never seen you, nor have I heard your voice, and the only aspect I've ever known of you is black light emitting from black letters on the screen of a music composition website. Before I could ever say whether or not I liked you, don't you think I should at least see a picture of you first?
(this was on a new post) "Now, I don't doubt that we could potentially foster such emotions despite our considerable difference in age (You're the same age as my sister. How do I feel about that?...), you should understand that I first and foremost love you as a friend :). All relationships should develop on friendship first!"

[Nighthawk61]

To make a long story short, are your friends becoming increasingly "annoyed and frustrated" because you have chosen not to get help from a professional when it was first suggested? It's never too late, in life, to do the right thing. You are not 13 going on 40, you're 13 and need to enjoy the challenges of being 13 so that you can become a "well rounded" 14, and then 15, and then 16... you see where I'm going with this? You cannot grow up overnight, but if you work hard you may be able to be a healthy girlfriend for someone, down the road, and around the bend. I'm not going to say good luck, because luck has nothing to do with true happiness. Hard work is the only way to achieve your dreams. God helps those who help themselves.

Please get help.

[Nighthawk61]

This is the definition of love.  " In English, love refers to a variety of different feelings, states, and attitudes, ranging from pleasure ("I loved that meal") to interpersonal attraction ("I love my partner"). "Love" may refer specifically to the passionate desire and intimacy of romantic love, to the sexual love of eros, to the emotional closeness of familial love, to the platonic love that defines friendship,[4] or to the profound oneness or devotion of religious love[5"

When you meet people on a online social networking site, the word love is used by some, but it is used in the platonic sense, and does not rise above or go beyond the limits of friendship.

A good friend, would not allow another friend to use friendship in lieu professional medical treatment and advice. If that is what you were doing with your friends, or if that's what you expect from them, it most definitely is naive, and ill advised. In short, was has been happening to date, is procrastination, and it needs to stop, for you, and for your friends. What you are experiencing is an understanding, from your acquaintances on a online social networking site,  that what has been going on has not had the well intention or the desired effect, and a new plan, the original plan, of asking for help from your health care provider was then, and is now, the right course of action, for you and for them.

This is hard, but this is something that you need to understand.  As for your male (maybe) friend " he has always told me that he cannot cure me of my sadness".  What he is saying is that he has no intention of being the love interest in your life, because of your age. It is simply not in the cards. You need to be relying on your own strength right now, with the help of professionals, to "save" yourself.

You will need to be strong to be a partner that someone will choose as their love interest.  If romantic love is something that you want in your life dear, you have some work to do. The stronger you become, the better partner you will make in the future. You need to get the help so that you can concentrate and do well in school, you need to be able to make friends and keep friends in the real world, who will celebrate your graduation, engagement, wedding, childbirth. You need to stop the naivete, and become grounded, spiritually, emotionally, physically, psychologically with the help of a psychologist, and then, perhaps a psychiatrist.In other words, I would try to find help with talk therapy before I would accept a diagnosis that would require medication.

You have a lot of work to do, and you should start now, by discussing with your parents and your health care provider, your need to get started on therapy.

[brice1967]

There are things you have to do in order to get help.  Constantly bombarding your friends with your depression is, well... depressing.  You need to seek the help of a professional and it can start with your school counselor or your primary care physician.

Please get help.

[Kuriketto]

Just as I thought... no one cares about me. My cries and pleas are useless.