I've been depressed for about 6 years, since right before middle school. I was in an extremely negative environment with my dad and stepmom since 4th grade, but I moved in with my mom my freshman year. Tbh, I didn't think anything was wrong with me, other than always feeling awful and being scared to go home, but last year I became suicidal. I'm literally thinking of ways to acquire a firearm, and I'm just drowning in guilt and disappointment. I want to die, but I cant just leave a bloody corpse for my parents to find, after everything they've done for me. My dad is now on the other side of the U.S and I doubt he'd want to fly back over here for his daughter's funeral. I'm thinking of requesting to have no funeral, it would just be a waste of their money anyways. So now, its between me doing what I want to do, or doing whats best for my family. I've told my mom in the past that I was depressed and had suicidal thoughts, but she told me it was because of my pill dosage. (which stopped awhile ago, so I know that it wasnt because of that) I cant tell my friends, if I can even call them that. They wouldn't even notice me missing, so that makes it easier I suppose?
I'm just so stressed out here, I'm losing more sleep than I usually do. I dont want to live, but I dont want to do this to my family either. Would seeing someone even be worth it? And should I confess to my parents or keep it to myself?