my last post was in the summer and i talked about my depression and how i've felt this past year and even before that. i think it's time to update because honestly i'm not getting better. i haven't even been on this site since like July. i started high school in august and immediately i started making new friends and i thought maybe this won't be so bad. i was lying to myself, freshman are just friend thirsty. i don't really feel like i have a best friend, i don't have anyone i can genuinely trust or go to when i'm lonely. no one knows my story here and i do not plan to tell it. today we had our freshman retreat, i wanted to take it seriously because in the past i'd really been helped and inspired by retreats. i came home highly disappointed. one activity was we had to write down something in our lives that weighs us down and then rip it up into a basket at the front of the room. i almost cried because i decided to write down "my depression". i went up to the basket on the verge of tears and then i saw shreds of what other girls had written. i shouldn't have been so stupid. most girls wrote "schoolwork" or "my boyfriend" or my personal favorite "homecoming dress". i realized today that i'm so different from the superficial girls around me. i felt more alone than ever. don't get me wrong, not all of them are superficial. some girls are really nice but i still don't fit in with them. another activity was we had a paper on our backs and people had to go around the room and write something positive on it. we took them off our backs and got to read the messages. the first thing i noticed was that i didn't have nearly as many as the girls around me. then i read them, most of them were a simple word like "nice" or "pretty". one girl wrote "ew... jk ily". how is "ew... jk ily" supposed to make me feel when the girl next to me was being called inspiring and confident. so much for my "friends". i came home and asked my mom to see a therapist in a way that could've been interpreted as sarcastic. my dad got mad at me. he said i shouldn't joke about those things and "all teenage girls should be depressed". he says I'm just a "brooding teenager". i laugh but he doesn't know how offended i really get. then he asked me if i really was depressed and after his whole speech about how i shouldn't make my mom waste money like that i didn't have the heart to tell him what i was really feeling so i said no. i feel like i've missed my only shot at help. what am i gonna do now.