I want to live!

[Jennifer1987]

Oh God! I have never posted here so much in my life... I am just at my wits end.... I cant take this c.r.a.p anymore. I am so depressed today! Crying a lot, taking my moods out on my boyfriend and just over all wish I was dead at times (dont worry not sucidial) Just keep saying to God to put me out of my misery...

I took my bad ood out on my b/f today and he totally did not deserve it! I feel so bad about that now aswel! I am so frecking annoyed that Im going through and that its so unfair. Jez like theres murderers and abusers out there living the life of luxary and then theres people who try to lead good law abiding lives like us and WE suffer...... Im sick of it! I feel like screaming!
AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

[ChitChatNine]

You can scream with us and take it all out on and with us .. because we've been there and done that and still doing it sometimes!!!!!

You can PM me anytime .. I'm online a lot.

Can you PM me and refresh my memory on your history .. you can yell and scream all you want via PM and I am always there to listen and never, ever judge.

C~

[oldie]

scream into your pillow. It does no harm at all. Go with you b/f to the woods an scream while he holds you. You'll end up laughing. BUT, meantime, hang on. This passes. There'll be good times ahead

[Jennifer1987]

Im trying to hang in. Its torture though! 21 years of age and I feel like a 90 year old! Its so horrible! My boyfriend is so supportive to me, I have him warned that I could blow at any stage!

I think if I screamed Id never stop!

[amy430602]

Jennifer, I've so been there.  :(  It took until I was 25 for me to get up the balls to go and actively seek help.  It also took three kids and a failed marriage and a relationship worth keeping to motivate me.  I forgot how bad it would get sometimes until I read this post.  Good luck!  I wish only the best for you, and you find your happiness somewhere!  It's out there...  I promise.

[Barb135]

We're all here and we've all been through some form of this at one time or another.  If you can get your b/f to understand that this isn't a personal attack against him, that will help....  

You can PM me anytime you want also... and scream as loud as you want.... I'm a long ways away from you, but being a good share Irish, I can be pretty strong willed and I'll make every effort to cover you.  

Sending you "cyber hugs" -   hang on sweetie, it will get better.......
Praying for you.......

[azqtpies]

Oh Jen,

I hear your pain, I have slipped back to hypo hell, with hyper symptoms as well, my depression has gotten really bad and my anxiety is through the roof all I do is cry when I am alone and sometimes when I cant control it when others are around. I have developed bad parnoia just cant stop thinking sometime bad is going to happen.

I feel like I sream inside my head I am SOOOO tired of this rollercoaster! I went to a reg doc for  the anxiety he treated my like I was crazy basically laughed at me and told why did I not have my whole thyroid out!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT like i needed that, yeah  that would make the hell much better! QUACK... I too wish someone would just smack me in the head, stop my inner misery! I certainly dont want to die, that is my worst fear !!! but I understand exactly what you say!.. I dont know how much longer this can go on before I feel like they can just lock me away ! its ***** bad this has been a almost 3 yr ride and I want off! I  hate rollercoasters..=)

There are other here like myself who share your pain, email anytime I always need  someone to talk with myself that understands. Hugs

Kelly

[Jennifer1987]

Im thinkin that if this doesn't inprove that I want to get my thyroid out. I think it would be a decision Id have to think about but if it stoped the levels from going up and down and the anxiety to go then I might consider it.

It seriously has been hell... Im just so fed up. want to be happy....

Thanks to you all, I needed that pick me up.
I just feel so alone with all this. Cried so much yesterday, my eyes were killing me last night!

[Smilerdeb]

Hugs Jennifer xxx

Been where you are so many times before RAI and felt like he\\.
I too .....felt like you. I even told my Doc that if this was life I didnt want it......told him I was going to get the butcher to cut my thyroid out too!
Seriously though...there is light at the end of the tunnel.

I cant give you advise about Hypo as I was hyper before RAI and even though I am doing great a year later, there has still been 'hiccups' along the way.
Be kind to yourself....learn all you can about yr condition and if all else fails, then research all treatments available.
Take yr time to research as there is NO going back once its done.
Sometimes I would think like you and then a few days later, I'd be fine.
Dont rush into anything permanant unless yr levels are so unstable and they cant regulate them.
THEN look at other options.
The thyroid regulates so many things in yr body and once its gone, you have to get yr meds right, your levels right and THEN 'Tweak" your meds.
Please dont think that if you have yr thyroid removed that it will all 'go away'...as it doesnt straight away.
You still have to work hard at yr levels, you still go hypo, you still go hyper.
I am one of the lucky ones so far and feel great a year after RAI and TT BUT.....
I will never have the old me back, I will never be 100% and this is something you too would have to deal with.
Just because I'm ok without a thyroid, doesnt mean you will be.
Think about that carefully.
Hugs My Friend xxxxx

[Jennifer1987]

I will have a good long think about it, I promise. I just think that casue I was kinda diagnosed with hashimoto's (will know next testing) that it will eventually be gone and I will have no thyroid anyway! So why put myself through all this, why let my levels go up and down the way they are. I know having no thyroid is no walk in the park, but I think its better than the life I have now. Anything is better than this he// hole! I need to see a lil bit of the onld me...

I want to be able to wake in the morning with out worries, anxiety, strangh thoughts and depression. I can take the tiredness adn pains and that but the mental side is killing me slowly!

I actually have myself convinced I have ocd or somethink, even though all Im having is weird thoughts, but thats the way my brain is working. My therapist said I dont have OCD that Im under so much stress and depression is causing thoughts and anxiety.

And I know Im rambling now so Im going to put a full stop here.

[Smilerdeb]

Your not rambling...you are just giving a better picture of what you are going through.
I hate to advise people to have permanant treatment unless they really are going through He\\ as it takes a lot of hard work afterwards to achieve wellness.
I wont lie to you...yes the journey has been tough after RAI but nowhere near as tough as it was prior to RAI.

I just feel that in order for you to get those levels right afterwards, dont expect miracles, be prepared for a lot of hard work and only have permanant treatment IF the going is tough and not getting any better.
I dont advise anyone to have permanant treatment until they are 100% sure and then if they decide to do it, make sure you know everything there is to know about the 'afterwards'.
It IS hard but I found (as I said ) nowhere near as hard as it was prior to RAI.
Talk to others who have had permanant treatment with Hashi's.
As I said ...I have Graves and that may be easier to control after RAI.....I really cant comment on that one but there are others here who can.
Be kind to yourself :)

[dani2776]

All I can say is I am glad I found you!  I have exactly the same thought process as you.  I too have Hashi's and am batteling to the extreme!  I have asked for my thyroid to be removed as well to stop the maddness but they keep preaching the same story about the surgery leaving this scar.  I DON'T CARE ABOUT A SCAR, I want my life back.  I have 4 children who I am not doing a very good job at raising because of all this.   Like you I don't understnad why they won't take it out if it is just going to die anyway!  All the doc's want to do is keep giving me anti-depressants and believe me if I could handle those drugs I would gladly take them but I can't.  Hang in there and know you are not alone as there are many days I just wish I would die too (but not suicidal).  This is no way to live!

[Jennifer1987]

Im just getting so freaked out cause I dont see the old fun me any more. When all this started I din't realise that 9 months down the road Id be as bad as ever! My troath is sore today, and I feel like sleeping for Ireland! Im going to see my doc. on firday and see what he says. I dont care about the scar either a bit of Bio-oil and that will be gone in no time, well barely visable anyway!

I can see where smilerdeb is coming from, once its out, its out, no going back.. BUT that brings me back to the, its going to die anyway bit.... Thats what makes me think what the he//, Il get over the scare if my quality of life improves!

I got offered xanax or something and refused,I want to bet this myself. If I can get through this I can get through anything! And I can relate to the, I want to die but aint suicidal bit too!!! This is no way to be spending out days on this planet..

If the anxiety would just float off into outher space and be gone..Id be happy!


I don't e=ven know if therapy will help cause my thyroid wont level out!

[dani2776]

You live in Ireland?  I am sooooo jealous, I want to go there so bad some day.  Just living there should make you feel better (ha ha).  Anyway are you on thyroid meds?  What were the results of your most recent labs.  Just a quick question for you.  Do you ever get dizzy or lightheaded with all your thyroid problems?

[Jennifer1987]

Yup, lately very dizzy at times. annoying more than anything! Lately Iv been very thirsty (any connection).. Im on 100mcg of eltroxin.. Do you get a sore throbbing troath?? like a coaking sensation. Driving me mad these days.

Yup live in Ireland... great weather these days, But don't worry your not missing anything special!! Where u from??

[dani2776]

I am constantly lightheaded almost like I have had to much to drink! Very nerve wrecking and almost impossible to function some days.  It's funny you mentioned being very thirsty.  I just had something to drink with my lunch and had to have someone bring me something else 30 minutes later because I almost feel dehydrated!  How long have you been batteling these symptoms?  Do you have Hashi's?  I too have the throat problems.  My doctor doesn't feel anything but I am getting an ultrasound on Wednesday.  I feel like someone is constantly choking me and it HURTS!!  As far as me I live in the good old USA in Southern Indiana where my allergies are about to kill me too!!

[Jennifer1987]

Id love to go to the US, my friends are gone over working for the summer.  Im so Jealous! Its raining where they are though, Chicago! lol

Lately Iv been very thirsty! My doc tested me for diabetes last friday, he did a urine test but never told me any result, so Im sure its ok.. Jez I hope so, cause they are knida connected! Im dreading all the things that could happen from this... I wouldn usually care about these things only its getting to bad now!

Ya I feel as if Im dehydrated, or my mouth is dry or something. I never told my doc about the soreness in my troath, he will think Im a hypocondriact or something!

Im considering getting it remover. My thyroglobulin levels are high, so we think I have hashimotos just haven diagnosed it yet, will know next testing! Its 7pm here and Im fit for the sack!

[dani2776]

Well I hope you find your answers, good luck and keep me posted!  I am like you afraid to bring up any more symptoms because they look at you like you are crazy!

P.S. I am from Chicago born and raised!!  I have only lived in Indiana for 8 years now.  

[Jennifer1987]

Ya me too. Let me know how your scan goes, PM me or something.... Il keep u posted to.. Going to try and convince him to remove it!

Cheers

[Smilerdeb]

Hello Ladies....word of advice.
BEFORE deciding on a TT...look at BOTH options.
Look at Thyroidectomy and its 'for and against'...parathyroid damage etc.
And RAI.
This is what you should be both doing at the moment to know for sure which treatment you really want.
I would hate you both to have Thyroidectomys then say..."I didnt know it could damge the Parathyroid glands!".
Look at every FOR and AGAINST in both aspects.
Read my journals on RAI.......you may get some insight into it.
Then read Redheads journals on TT.
This will make your mind up by researching all you can.
This is the most important thing of all.
You have both decided PERMANANT treatment...now look at the pros and cons of both.
Good Luck :)

[dani2776]

To be honest even if I have decided on a permanent treatment, which I haven't no one seems willing to do it.  Surgery is by far the last thing I want to do but I want my life back!  I am tired of crying all the time and some days having to rely on family and friends to help care for my children because I can't.  I use to be the house where my 2 oldest sons friend's would ALWAYS want to be because I had so much energy and was so fun!!  Now I cringe thinking about having another child in my home.  The anxiety part of the Hashi's is also about to kill me!!  My endo told me yesterday that the swinging from hyper to hypo should only last a few months and now I should be all hypo.  Well I'm not so what's the problem????  Everyone always says that it WILL get better but I am having a real hard time believing it!

[Jennifer1987]

If I could get rid of the anxiety I would not have it removed, but it doesn't seem to be going anytime soon.. I REALLY don't care about the physical stuff, but the mental side of it is going to kill me. Even therapy isn't doing any good (yet, only had 2 sessions)... I would rather not have it out but if push comes to shove its gone!lol....

And Thanks so much Smilerdeb for all your advice and guideance! This is the type of info I want to gain and need to make my decision....

Anyone with Hashismoto's and HAD anxiety???
Did it go away by itselp or did you get the thyroid removed???
My doc. hasn't of yet spoken of treatment until he does the next testing!

What a nightmare!

[Smilerdeb]

I have had both hyper and hypo and most believe that you only get the anxiety with HYPER.
That is a MYTH.
You get anxiety on both ends of the scale.

I found though that when I was Hypo, an increase in Thyroxin eased it within days (dont forget I am super drug sensitive).
So where others go for 6 weekly bloods, mine have been 2-3 weekly as the Thyroxin works so fast , just as the anti-thyroid meds did too.

I went hyper to hypo within 2 weeks on anti-thyroid meds and it was sheer he\\ so know where you are coming from.
Hugs

[nissah46]

Like Smilerdeb said, you can have lifelong complications from the surgery.  I had no choice but to have surgery, but my parathyroids were removed (2accidently) and damaged (2). I just got a call 10 min. ago from my GP, saying my calcium levels are too low.  They are at 1.78, and should be 2.09 to 2.69.  I get muscle spasms and it can be dangerous if the levels go too low.  I spent a week in hospital from it. If there is a way to deal with your condition without surgery, you might want to follow that route.  Good luck.
Trish

[Smilerdeb]

Its really that persons persoanl choice whether to go TT or RAI.
In my eyes, you are damned if you do and damned if you dont...so to speak.
I originally wanted TT but the choice was taken from me.
Now I am glad I had RAI first.
But as I have said many times..that was my personal opinion.
If I DID have a choice, I wouldve kept my thyroid as it makes so many organs in your body function.

When my TT was done , it was keyhole by Epidural from under the armpit and the thyroid was the size of a pea 3 months after RAI.

Think carefully (yes I'm a pain for keep stipulating this ) about any permanant treatment as the problems do not go away with 'one pill a day' as the Docs tell you.
It takes months and months of 'tweaking' the meds and its basically a new ball game starting all over again.
A positive attitude is a major factor in wellness.