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Blank Mind/Confusion/Memory
Hello all. I’m a college student currently on medical leave. I am suffering from a perplexing assortment of neurological/cognitive symptoms that are completely demolishing every aspect of my life, not the least of which are my academic pursuits. I am having increasing difficulty quantifying my cognitive impairments in any practical or clinical terms. I have been diagnosed with and extensively treated for both ADD and Severe Depression for approximately five years: neither of which produced any positive results. I have also attempted alternative treatments for over a year with a similar lack of results. The simplest and most concise description that I can provide is that 90% of my waking life my mind is blank: completely devoid of mental activity. It is a constant struggle of mine to maintain any form of awareness. Additionally, my short term and long-term memory function at nearly amnesiac levels and my ability to focus and (simply put) think are at an atrociously low level. Due to my cognitive impairments the best way I can describe my subjective experience is through exposition. So here goes. I apologize beforehand for its lack of brevity.
The ADD mind, to the best of my understanding, is racing with thought. The struggle with the ADD mind is finding a way to focus all that random mental activity into a more productive stream of consciousness. My brain on the other hand is not racing with thought, as matter of fact it’s quite the opposite; my brain has a complete absence of mental activity. This subjective experience is hard for me to quantify or explain; but almost all the time my mind is completely blank, like a zombie. In a sense, I’m mentally catatonic, like someone gave a computer the wattage of a light bulb: just enough energy to give the appearance of awareness. Every moment I’m awake is a struggle to maintain some form of consciousness. Sometimes, I have to talk out loud to myself to even maintain any level of cognitive activity because my mind is so dead. When not stimulated by copious amounts of caffeine, loud music or the constant novelty of the Internet (not articles or anything intellectual, mostly videos or image boards) I “zone out.” My mind is completely empty; there is no thought whatsoever.
The thing is, I encounter brain fog when I TRY to think (to rise from my constant state of no-thought). When I attempt to stimulate thought, I experience a pressure (almost a headache) on my head like a parasite is squeezing my brain, and my thoughts are cloudy and distant. It almost feels like my head is swimming. So I literally struggle with anything that requires cognitive effort. I can barely function or take care of myself. From basic tasks: washing clothes or dishes, cooking, and sometimes even focusing on brushing my teeth offer a pretty steep mental challenge for me. Video games, and reading are far too hard for me and socializing is a nightmare. Even watching a film, listening to a song, or watching an episode of a TV show all the way through is challenging. Shopping is a nightmare as well; I get lost in the store and I can never find what I’m looking for. In conclusion, my mind is always blank, I always feel cognitively exhausted, and I never ever feel lucid, awake, or even alive. I’m lucky my parents still let me live at home. There is no way I could survive on my own.
Just sitting and doing nothing is agonizing and the days stretch on into eternity. I’m always tired, but that being said I have trouble falling asleep every night. I feel like a stranger with no access to my own mind, all cognitive usage is locked from me. I feel much more mentally retarded than I do ADD, and each day is a struggle because the inside of my head is an empty void, like a dark cave with no light. The aforementioned zombie metaphor is quite apt, as I’ve had Co-workers and Managers (in my short lived attempt to make money in the fast food business) assume that I partake of narcotics due to my vacant countenance and struggle with cognitive tasks and learning simple skills, though I haven’t touched any illegal drugs (even pot) with a ten-foot pole. I don’t even drink.
So the thing is, I’m always bored. Nothing really interests me because any thought is cognitively exhausting. When I lived in my dorm at college, I would just sit in my room all the time because I didn’t know what to do. There are times I feel that if I did not have general ever-present anxiety I’d just be a vegetable.
This brings me to my memory issues (both short and long term); which are devastating. I can’t remember anything: peoples’ names, street names, (I cope by habit of instinctively remembering where to turn) directions, sports teams or players, what I said or did the other day, how to spell words, or anything from my past as well such as vacations or past experiences. The few things I can, with great effort, remember are simple things. I can’t remember people’s faces, things that happened to me or that I have read, as a matter of fact I have no mind’s eye whatsoever. I can’t picture anything in my head.
I’ve had these symptoms to some degree my whole life. I’ve coped thus far through habit. I always knew there was some sort of cognitive gap between my (very few childhood) friends and I, but I coped by being a joker. I couldn’t think or remember things, and make by (and still do) with goofy parody of myself etc. I always thought I was just lazy; it never occurred to me that I avoided anything requiring cognitive effort because it was hard for me. Plus the fact that I was homeschooled until college allowed me to continue deluding myself due to a lack of social context, and the comforts of near complete isolation.
In conclusion, I get frustrated with almost anything I do. I can’t understand anything because I can’t think. I feel like I have no past, no connection to the present, and no future.
If any of you have heard of any disorders that even somewhat resemble my description it would be greatly appreciated. I’m not looking for diagnoses, or answers but leads. I want the right questions to ask. In my research thus far, the closest disorders I have found that match my symptoms (especially the suppressed awareness and constant cognitive confusion) are physical neurological defects such as Meningitis or Encephalitis, Neurological Seizures, or some form of Pre-frontal Cortex Decay.
Thanks for reading this :)
P.S. It has been suggested to me by some that I may be suffering from the ambiguous disorder known as Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, yet this as well does not seem to fit my experience. My struggle is less of staying awake, but more of a struggle against my severe cognitive lethargy that would pull me back into my natural state of no-thought.
The ADD mind, to the best of my understanding, is racing with thought. The struggle with the ADD mind is finding a way to focus all that random mental activity into a more productive stream of consciousness. My brain on the other hand is not racing with thought, as matter of fact it’s quite the opposite; my brain has a complete absence of mental activity. This subjective experience is hard for me to quantify or explain; but almost all the time my mind is completely blank, like a zombie. In a sense, I’m mentally catatonic, like someone gave a computer the wattage of a light bulb: just enough energy to give the appearance of awareness. Every moment I’m awake is a struggle to maintain some form of consciousness. Sometimes, I have to talk out loud to myself to even maintain any level of cognitive activity because my mind is so dead. When not stimulated by copious amounts of caffeine, loud music or the constant novelty of the Internet (not articles or anything intellectual, mostly videos or image boards) I “zone out.” My mind is completely empty; there is no thought whatsoever.
The thing is, I encounter brain fog when I TRY to think (to rise from my constant state of no-thought). When I attempt to stimulate thought, I experience a pressure (almost a headache) on my head like a parasite is squeezing my brain, and my thoughts are cloudy and distant. It almost feels like my head is swimming. So I literally struggle with anything that requires cognitive effort. I can barely function or take care of myself. From basic tasks: washing clothes or dishes, cooking, and sometimes even focusing on brushing my teeth offer a pretty steep mental challenge for me. Video games, and reading are far too hard for me and socializing is a nightmare. Even watching a film, listening to a song, or watching an episode of a TV show all the way through is challenging. Shopping is a nightmare as well; I get lost in the store and I can never find what I’m looking for. In conclusion, my mind is always blank, I always feel cognitively exhausted, and I never ever feel lucid, awake, or even alive. I’m lucky my parents still let me live at home. There is no way I could survive on my own.
Just sitting and doing nothing is agonizing and the days stretch on into eternity. I’m always tired, but that being said I have trouble falling asleep every night. I feel like a stranger with no access to my own mind, all cognitive usage is locked from me. I feel much more mentally retarded than I do ADD, and each day is a struggle because the inside of my head is an empty void, like a dark cave with no light. The aforementioned zombie metaphor is quite apt, as I’ve had Co-workers and Managers (in my short lived attempt to make money in the fast food business) assume that I partake of narcotics due to my vacant countenance and struggle with cognitive tasks and learning simple skills, though I haven’t touched any illegal drugs (even pot) with a ten-foot pole. I don’t even drink.
So the thing is, I’m always bored. Nothing really interests me because any thought is cognitively exhausting. When I lived in my dorm at college, I would just sit in my room all the time because I didn’t know what to do. There are times I feel that if I did not have general ever-present anxiety I’d just be a vegetable.
This brings me to my memory issues (both short and long term); which are devastating. I can’t remember anything: peoples’ names, street names, (I cope by habit of instinctively remembering where to turn) directions, sports teams or players, what I said or did the other day, how to spell words, or anything from my past as well such as vacations or past experiences. The few things I can, with great effort, remember are simple things. I can’t remember people’s faces, things that happened to me or that I have read, as a matter of fact I have no mind’s eye whatsoever. I can’t picture anything in my head.
I’ve had these symptoms to some degree my whole life. I’ve coped thus far through habit. I always knew there was some sort of cognitive gap between my (very few childhood) friends and I, but I coped by being a joker. I couldn’t think or remember things, and make by (and still do) with goofy parody of myself etc. I always thought I was just lazy; it never occurred to me that I avoided anything requiring cognitive effort because it was hard for me. Plus the fact that I was homeschooled until college allowed me to continue deluding myself due to a lack of social context, and the comforts of near complete isolation.
In conclusion, I get frustrated with almost anything I do. I can’t understand anything because I can’t think. I feel like I have no past, no connection to the present, and no future.
If any of you have heard of any disorders that even somewhat resemble my description it would be greatly appreciated. I’m not looking for diagnoses, or answers but leads. I want the right questions to ask. In my research thus far, the closest disorders I have found that match my symptoms (especially the suppressed awareness and constant cognitive confusion) are physical neurological defects such as Meningitis or Encephalitis, Neurological Seizures, or some form of Pre-frontal Cortex Decay.
Thanks for reading this :)
P.S. It has been suggested to me by some that I may be suffering from the ambiguous disorder known as Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, yet this as well does not seem to fit my experience. My struggle is less of staying awake, but more of a struggle against my severe cognitive lethargy that would pull me back into my natural state of no-thought.
I actually am suffering from Reverse T3 Hypothyroid and Adrenal Fatigue, but oddly enough, I haven't responded well to hormonal medication. It's something I'm still looking into :) Thanks for the post!
Thank you for your story. It does help, and I can completely identify with the experience you had. I am scheduled to see a Psychologist (for the upteenth time lol) again this month, and I certainly plan on diagnosing my medication.
I'm definitely going to check this book out. It looks quite fascinating and I've wanted to get the neurochemical perspective. Thanks for the recommendation :)
Actually, for you to describe yourself as "empty". that was an amazing self analysis. If it would help, I took notes from a TV special on Maintaining Memory. There is a list of supplements that this Doctor is advising for Memory, either regaining or maintaining.
You could look each of them up and see which ones you would take and let your MD be aware of your list.
1) Vit D3
2) Zinc
3) Vinpocetine crosses the blood brain barrier and opens up the blood vessels for better oxygenation of the brain similar to
4) Gingko Bilova
5) Huperzine A - they use for Alzheimers patients to restore short term memory. I use this myself and it helped me with faster recall within a week.
6) Magnesium L Threonate is a new form of Magnesium recently been put in the market, founded by MIT . It crosses the blood brain barrier and helps in long term memory, I use this supplement. Magnesium takes a few months to be built up in our system, so give it time. It works. Made my thinking clearer, where it was foggy before, and I experience sometimes photographic memory of things, numbers, etc. :)
7) Vit B Complex of 8 B vitamins of equal amounts, it has been found that it protects the brain from shrinking in recent studies.
8) Acetyl Carnitine was also on the list.
I take all of the above except for #8, I am not yet familiar with it. This was my long search too, as my memory was going bad since years ago, so much so like yours at times. I am very thankful to have found all these supplements one at a time thru the years, and now, this Doctor has all of my pills on his suggestion list !! I found them. I took them one at a time and added on a new one after observing what each pill was helping me with. I am happy now where my memory is at. I truly hope they would help you as well. Need to be patient.
Have you had blood works done, like your thyroids checked ? Iron ? Vit D levels ? Cause lack of these could affect the brain. Its best to have your bases covered with chemistry panels and general lab works as well..
Take care, keep us updated as to how you are doing.
You could look each of them up and see which ones you would take and let your MD be aware of your list.
1) Vit D3
2) Zinc
3) Vinpocetine crosses the blood brain barrier and opens up the blood vessels for better oxygenation of the brain similar to
4) Gingko Bilova
5) Huperzine A - they use for Alzheimers patients to restore short term memory. I use this myself and it helped me with faster recall within a week.
6) Magnesium L Threonate is a new form of Magnesium recently been put in the market, founded by MIT . It crosses the blood brain barrier and helps in long term memory, I use this supplement. Magnesium takes a few months to be built up in our system, so give it time. It works. Made my thinking clearer, where it was foggy before, and I experience sometimes photographic memory of things, numbers, etc. :)
7) Vit B Complex of 8 B vitamins of equal amounts, it has been found that it protects the brain from shrinking in recent studies.
8) Acetyl Carnitine was also on the list.
I take all of the above except for #8, I am not yet familiar with it. This was my long search too, as my memory was going bad since years ago, so much so like yours at times. I am very thankful to have found all these supplements one at a time thru the years, and now, this Doctor has all of my pills on his suggestion list !! I found them. I took them one at a time and added on a new one after observing what each pill was helping me with. I am happy now where my memory is at. I truly hope they would help you as well. Need to be patient.
Have you had blood works done, like your thyroids checked ? Iron ? Vit D levels ? Cause lack of these could affect the brain. Its best to have your bases covered with chemistry panels and general lab works as well..
Take care, keep us updated as to how you are doing.
Hello there,
First of all, I wanted to tell you how well you express yourself, Charlie.
I think you mentioned you are suffering from severe depression and
you have ADD. As I read your comments, an idea occurred to me.
Are you taking an antidepressant to cope with the depression ?
If you are, what is the name of the medication you're taking?
Are you also taking a medication to help with you your ADD ?
The reason I ask these questions is because certain medications as
you know have possible side effects.
I'm a retired teacher. About 10 years ago, I was diagnosed with depression.
There were a number of things which I believe contributed to my depression. I had a very difficult, challenging class that year which was
very stressful because I was depressed. I didn't even know I was suffering from a depression because I didn't know the signs of depression.
My depression is heredity. Depression runs in my family. Anyway, I had
been taking a certain antidepressant for a number of years. It seems
that antidepressant wasn't working any more. The reason I mention this
is because here were some of the symptoms Major brain fog, major
difficulty concentrating and remembering. Let's say I put an object away
or done somewhere. Two minutes later, I couldn't remember where it
was. Little decisions would send me into a panic. I couldn't retain any
information I read in a book. It was so scary. I was on sick leave because
of course you can't work, in my case, teach under these circumstances.
I had panic attacks. I ended up being hospitalized and during that time
they changed my antidepressant medication and put me on another one
in the hospital where they could supervise me. I was told by my family
that I had a nervous breakdown. The whole thing was nightmarish.
Like a bad dream only I was awake and I felt trapped in a body which
I felt wasn't cooperating and doing what I wanted it to do.
Well, here it is 10 years later. It took me almost a year to recover and
get back to working again. I'm retired now, but I tell you. That experience
was undoubtedly the worst thing that has ever happened to me.
You feel so helpless. I'm an intelligent person but when I was going through
my depression, I couldn't even talk properly on the phone. I had anxiety
attacks, couldn't remember things, couldn't sleep, no appetite.
If anything I've shared with you can help you figure out something or
if any of things rings true to what you're experiencing, I'm glad I could
be of help. You take good care of yourself. You will get through this.
Book: Neurochemistry of Consciousness: Neurotransmitters in mind (Advances in Consciousness Research) - edited by Elaine K. Perry, Heather Ashton and Allan H. Young, foreword by Susan Greenfield.
"This pioneering book explores in depth the role of neurotransmitters in conscious awareness. The central aim is to identify common neural denominators of conscious awareness, informed by the neurochemistry of natural, drug induced and pathological states of consciousness.
Chemicals such as acetylcholine and dopamine, which bridge the synaptic gap between neurones, are the 'neurotransmitters in mind' that form the substance of the volume, which is essential reading for all who believe that unravelling mechanisms of consciousness must include these vital systems of the brain.
Up-to-date information is provided on:
• Psychological domains of attention, motivation, memory, sleep and dreaming that define normal states of consciousness.
• Effects of chemicals that alter or abolish consciousness, including hallucinogens and anaesthetics.
• Disorders of the brain such as dementia, schizophrenia and depression considered from the novel perspective of the way these affect consciousness, and how this might relate to disturbances in neurotransmission"
"This pioneering book explores in depth the role of neurotransmitters in conscious awareness. The central aim is to identify common neural denominators of conscious awareness, informed by the neurochemistry of natural, drug induced and pathological states of consciousness.
Chemicals such as acetylcholine and dopamine, which bridge the synaptic gap between neurones, are the 'neurotransmitters in mind' that form the substance of the volume, which is essential reading for all who believe that unravelling mechanisms of consciousness must include these vital systems of the brain.
Up-to-date information is provided on:
• Psychological domains of attention, motivation, memory, sleep and dreaming that define normal states of consciousness.
• Effects of chemicals that alter or abolish consciousness, including hallucinogens and anaesthetics.
• Disorders of the brain such as dementia, schizophrenia and depression considered from the novel perspective of the way these affect consciousness, and how this might relate to disturbances in neurotransmission"
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