Visiting 7-17, how to carefully talk to adult daughter when she asks if she is fat?

[Jean93]

Please Help: My husband and I are about to see my 23 year old daughter next week, end of July 2017. She is @60-70 pounds overweight, probably 190, wears a size 16 (5'5"). We live 1000+ miles away, and visit about three times a year (and she'll come home 1 time per year. New job, no leave earned yet). We are a very close family, and there is so much love and she really seems like our visits. Last visit (March 2017), she was wearing her new apple watch, that she just got and was so excited about, and asked if her heart rate at 96+ was okay. We were surprised at the 96+ (and a bit worried), and we just went quiet for a moment, not saying anything. Then, she asked again, and we explained a little about what the typical , and things got quiet again.  Well, she pushed more and it turned into am "am I fat?" question.  We tried to address the health concern only and that extra weight can impact heart rate,  and the conversation just snowballed and and then she left mad, saying something like, "You are my parents and are not suppose to make me feel bad about my self."Her dad was initially caring and is so wonderful about it, but turned mad  at her for pushing us so hard on the "fat" question and I was in trying to talk about heart rate, health and then went to tears. After time away, it ended in let's just continue our sightseeing, in a "pretend everything is okay" way. I'm worried that the/her question "Am I fat?" will come up again this trip (which happens in some way or another each trip), and I have researched and can't find what is a good thing to say to address the weight question... Everything/everyone, moms/dads to therapists say not to talk "weight" with your adult child.  But, she might ask... and things will go quiet (or angry) again, and I'll tell her she is beautiful and has so much going for her (sweet new friends, lots to do in her new, cool new apartment, old college friends come to visit, church, great job opportunity, etc.) I'll ask if she wants to join a gym or class, offer to pay for an exercise class or something like like). What should I say if she asks the "am I fat" question again? I'm in tears now, because I care so much (and all of the parents on her care the same about their adult child, too)... And, I don't want another horrible "sightseeing" moment like that during our next visit. Please, any advice... wording?

[aslannan12]

I'm 15 so I understand how weight can be an extremely touchy subject for women. Don't t use words like fat, large, or big when describing her in any way. If you ask to pay for an exercise program just out of the blue she might think that you're re implying that she needs to exercise , In other words calling her fat. If she does ask, tell her that although she might not be skin and bones like other girls or that she might not fit into a size 0, but that she is beautiful magnificence too. Tell her that she is beautiful from head to toe in every way possible. Then tell her that if she thinks she needs to lose weight that you will pay for exercise classes or programs or whatever, you just want her to be happy. Hope this helps good luck

[Jean93]

Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply. It is very helpful. You concluded just the way I feel... I just want her to be happy.

[Paxiled]

I had a sister who was obese and smoked and suffered from anxiety and died at age 48.  Nobody in our family said anything about her weight, but obviously she knew she was fat.  The problem is, if she isn't motivated to do anything about it, you can't help her any.  Her asking if she's fat, however, suggests it's an issue she's already thinking about, so I think there's an opening her but maybe not from you.  I don't know what your relationship is with her, but let's face it, none of us really listen to our parents and our parents don't listen to us most of the time.  I also do want to say that a one-time reading of heart rate from a watch that doesn't accurately measure much of anything is useless.  Heart rates vary through the day, and those watches aren't reliable.  At least, not yet.  They're best at measuring how many steps you take in a day, but that's pretty useless information because anyone checking that is already taking lots of steps, right?  What she needs is a long, slow program of severe diet change and a long, slow build-up to a useful exercise program, and unless you've got some expertise on these things (and you're not her parents who have been judging her all these years because that's what parents do, and she's been judging you because that's what children do), the best thing is get her to learn these things so she can get moving on changing if she wants to.  Also, people who are obese and there's no genetic reason for it are probably suffering from mental problems -- not necessarily the kind you think of such as severe this or that, but low self-esteem or lack of discipline or other ways of thinking that got her in this fix in the first place.  As I see it, the best thing you can do is keep loving her and telling her you want her to live a long, healthy life that she can enjoy to the fullest, and she might not be able to do that if she doesn't make some changes.  It's also true that although overweight people have a prevalence to some illnesses that thin people don't, there's little evidence they die younger.  Any of us, thin or fat, can develop something that kills us sooner than we would have liked.  I guess to me, the relationship you have is more important than her weight or health, but since both of those can affect how long she stays healthy and how long she stays content, it's impossible for you to pretend it doesn't exist.  Why not ask her why she keeps asking if she's fat?  Maybe that can be the ice-breaker, since, as you say, she's already obviously concerned about it.  But leave the specifics to the professionals, unless you have some expertise in nutrition and exercise.  Good luck.

[Jean93]

I greatly appreciate your valuable input. You put a great deal of thought into your reply. Thank you! Your points about the need for motivation to change, possible mental health issues (likely anxiety, as her career goal is very challenging), limitations of Apple watches, etc. The listening for her "usual" question, asking if we think she is fat, as an icebreaker and gently addressing it that she seems concerned about this is very helpful for hopefully an opening for her to talk if she'd like. Also, you're so right, if she decides to start a weightloss/exercise program, it should be of her own decision and it is more valuable for her to find/consult with professionals (vs. me or her dad)... We are a loving, caring family, and I don't want to do anything that would cause harm to our relationship (especially since she young and lives so far away from home). Again, thank you... (And, I want to add that I am so sorry that your sister died.)

[Barb135]

Sophie69... I agree with Paxiled.  Staying silent isn't necessarily the way to handle the situation, especially, since you seem to be paying for everything, but keep getting angrier and angrier about it without letting your daughter know how you feel.  That isn't helping either of you, because your daughter may come to "expect" mom to provide everything she needs to get set up for whatever she wants to do, without having to work to reach her goals.  Enabling our children isn't always helpful to them, nor is it good for us.

She may need some guidance, other than money to reach her goals...

If you'd like to start your own thread, you can click on the red "Ask a Question" button at the top of this page to get a new page on which to type your own question...  

[Sophie69]

I would ask her why she is asking? My daughter no longer asks me and I feel she thinks I'm controlling her because I have quietly sat back while she has gained 10-15 lbs ea yr over the last few years. People tell me not to say anything, but do I wait until she lands in the hospital. I know that she find food comforting and has a bit of depression; cool now a days to have depression or some kind of issue at 22. I LOVE my daughter and have worked hard to set her up in life and she is smart, loving, a great student and very caring toward others. I get angry but never show it. Every time she even mentions trying to fix her issue; mom is there is arms wide open to pay for anything that will assist her in her goals. I have dealt with this a long time and now get more angry than anything; never show it!! I could say more, but I'm new hear and not sure what to expect. Are you ok?

[Sophie69]

sorry for typos...and mis spells. Typing fast.. like text lol

[Paxiled]

First, 22 is around the age that chronic anxiety and depression manifest themselves -- it goes from a few years before that to a few years after that, for whatever reason.  It's not cool, it's just when it happens.  Youth problems are generally not thought to correlate with adult problems, though docs now make a lot of money treating them as if they do.  Second, this post is months old and hopefully the person has gotten a handle on things.  If you want more help of your own, a new post will attract more replies.  Lastly, I guess my position would be not to keep quiet -- you're right, that's a lot of weight to be putting on regularly.  It could be the way she eats, or the quantity she eats, or it could be something going on with her physically that affects her metabolism, or a lack of exercise -- any of which can affect her health and all of which gets harder and harder to do something about as it gets worse and time goes by.  You're her Mom, not her friend, and so you have the responsibility to try to keep teaching her.  Whether she listens or not is her problem, and how you say it is yours, but I guess my feeling is, if not you, who else is going to help her?  It's a hard place to be in.

[UnsureMS]

Good morning,

I had already chimed in on your other post regarding your concern. But I feel that it maybe something that I need to chime in on once more here.

My last post to you had me thinking about this and what I would say to my daughter who is now 15 if she begin to have a weight issue. Then I remembered I have a cousin who was very overweight when she was younger, now she runs 5 miles and enters competitions all the time. The difference I saw in her over the years was her self esteem. The first thing that she worked on was her self-esteem.

Every woman out there has had some type of self esteem issues. For some these issues can lead to depression and over eating. I think this is the issue you should be more concern about then the over weight issue. If your daughter has a self esteem issue then it can lead to so many problems for her. My cousin will tell you her mom tried to keep her on diet most of her middle school years, and constantly nagged about her weight not realizing that her daughter was just depressed.

My cousin recently told me that when she lost the weight was when she realized she was beautiful no matter what, and she was worthy of love. You may want to bring up a self esteem issue you have...and let her try to comfort you. When we comfort others we tend to bring up our own issues so the other person feels less alone this could get you started on talking. If you can draw out her self esteem issues than maybe you can help her work on them.

My cousin also found a friend that loved going walking at night and she enjoyed her company. Maybe you can ask her if she would like to go for a walk with you that you need the fresh her. This will give ya time to talk and also allow her to get in some exercise. Who knows she may continue to go for walks even after you leave.

I hope this helps, just remember not all weight issues stem from over eating or the issue with weight but deeper pain and emotional stress. Will be praying for you...

KImberly