Women's Health: Postpartum Community
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175662 tn?1282217256

.... Crushed...

I didn't know where else to post this, I don't have anyone but one friend to turn to about things like this... So here it goes, I check my fiance's e-mails and myspace because I don't trust him fully (previous experience in other relationships).  Anyhow, it wasn't till today that I found him confessing to a girl he's stated over and over was just a friend, he's had a crush on her for a little over a year now.  I'm crushed... after everything else, this just tops it off.  I can't confront him about it, I shouldn't be "snooping" after all... but, its tearing me apart inside.
98 Responses
150937 tn?1235947480
omg...you need to confront him.  you are about to have his child and share a life!  you cannot pretend you didn't see that, but you can allow him to explain himself before putting him on the defensive side.  i sure hope you can work things out. try to stay calm.  i will be thinking about you...good luck!
176285 tn?1206069158
Oh my gosh.....  You know what I'd do.  I'd let him think that he's got the upper hand and stay calm the rest of your pregnancy and then after the baby's born show him who's holding all the cards.  And make sure you print one of them emails and put it some where that it'll never be found until the time is right.  I am so sorry but after the baby is born you need to nip it in the butt because if not it'll continue because he'll think he's gottan away with it.  Sister let me handle him for you and he'd never do it again.(LOL)  Keep your head up.  Take care of yourself and your baby.  Don't let yourself worry because when the time is right you'll know what to do.  
Avatar universal
oh sweet heart im so sorry that you have to deal with this right now i would confront him see what he has to say for himself and just maybe you guys can get through this but try not to stress yourself yes i know easyer said than done best of luck keep us posted on how you are doing i wish you well
176285 tn?1206069158
P.S. Don't worry about it as snooping because what's his is yours and what's yours is yours.   Take Care
Sorry for being so defensive but I've had some men like that before and you just get tried of it.  Okay take care.
Avatar universal
I know exactly how you feel and what you are going through. Just try and take a deep breathe, I know it's hard to at this point. You should confront him about it and just tell him that you and he are having a baby together, and how in the world is it going to work with him doing things like that. My husband used to do the same thing, while we were engaged, but he would flirt and he would even tell me he was going out with friends, and meet some girl out at the movies or take her somewhere. Once he had the nerve when I was pregnant with my first daughter to go and take some girl to the movies and dinner on her birthday. The sad thing is, I was on bedrest and coudn't do anything for myself, plus he forgot my birthday, but he could remember hers. I just sat him down and talked to him about it. I said if this baby or I mean anything to you, then stop being sneaky and lying to me. If you dont have the will power to stop it, then I cant trust you. He denied it of course as all men do, but after I said that, he hasnt lied to me or done anything sneaky since. I know it's really tough, and you really dont know what to do at this point in time, but try not to be too upset, It isnt good for your little one. Just talk to him about it. Everything is going to be ok, and I know its hard to believe that someone you love has done something so terrible to you. Just try and think about that little baby in there, just waiting to come out smiling at you. I hope that I helped you in some way! Love, Alyson
Avatar universal
I am so sorry you have to go through this, on top of everything else.

I went through something similiar in the beginning of my 10+ year relationship with the father of my children. I wasn't worried about getting caught snooping though. I SNAPPED! I don't know if it helped the situation, but it made me feel better.

We made it. Kinda. I mean I still don't completely trust him, even though it's been 6 years since we've had any problems like that...

I would try not to stress about this right now. Try to push it out of your mind until the baby's health is confirmed, and your financial situation is stable. Just tuck it away for now, and deal with it later, when everything is settled down.

Just my two cents...
13167 tn?1327197724
You're in an incredibly difficult spot.  You're not married,  so he isn't obligated to be faithful to you.

On the other hand,  you feel like you have a monogamous relationship,  and you are carrying his child,  and that's bullc rap about you don't have the right to "snoop".  Yes,  you do,  if he leaves his love letters in cyberspace,  you have the right to read them just as everyone else on the face of the earth who can trip through is myspace account.

Not only is he not being faithful,  he's not even being careful.

I wish you well.  This is a sad mess.
171768 tn?1324233699
i think you should confront him. then you can control the conversation. something this big is bound to come out (you won't be able to hold it in forever), and if you hold back, then chances are it'll sneak out during a fight or argument about something else. instead, you need to plan to conversation so that you can control how you start the topic and where it goes. if it comes out in a heated situation, chances are you won't say what you want to say the way you want to say it.

i am saddened to hear you have to go through this on top of everything else. know that we're here to listen, and stay strong. don't let him do this to you!!!!
13167 tn?1327197724
Nataliesmommy - no,  he's not obligated to be faithful.  She really wishes he would be,  but he's not married,  nor has she insisted he marry her before getting her pregnant.  You either get this concept,  or you don't,  you can't just wish someone is obligated to be faithful because you wish you had gotten your ducks in a row before becoming pregnant.

It's awful and sad to learn that after the fact,  but that's the fact.  Truth hurts.
13167 tn?1327197724
I'm sorry,  ImmortalOne,  I forgot my last comment.  Getting married costs nothing.  Like,  75 bucks.

I really hope you put your foot down and make this guy own up and marry you.
Avatar universal
Ok, he is not obligated to be faithful???  HUH???  They are having a baby together and, I am assuming, living together.  There is a huge committment.  

Here is something you can consider.  "honey, I was wondering.......what would you do if you found out that I had eyes for someone else?"  If he asks why, just say..."oh, I was just wondering, no real reason, just wondering."  You wont have to let him know that you know the truth and he will be busting wondering what is going on.  Always ask a million hypothetical questions.  That way, there is no confronting.  You dont deserve this, I know times have been very tough for you and this is the last thing you need.  Give him an out and see what he does.  If he leaves, he is not worth it.  Keep venting to us, we are here to help each other.  God Bless.
175662 tn?1282217256
RockRose - we've been engaged for over a year, we were planning our wedding when we found out about the baby and the financial stress of my surgery was too much.  We made the joint choice at that time to put the wedding off so we could afford the doctor bills (which have amounted to more than $70,000.00 so far and are growing exponetially), and things for the baby (we have absolutely nothing, my mom bought us a crib and dresser today - our first thing).  We've been living together for more than a year and a half.

As for what I've done about it... so far, nothing.  But I think he's feeling guilty.  He got in the car when I picked him up from work and was acting really... strange?  Then said I was.  I told him I was stressed out from my first day back at work and stuff and talked about my day, that seemed to satisfy him.  I've decided I'm not going to do anything about it, for the simple reason is that she's in Mississippi and he's here in Michigan.  Should that situation change, or he thinks suddenly he's going to leave or even tries to take the baby (Like any court in hell would let him do that, trust me, I'm the supporter and responsible one)... then I'll do something about it.  For now, it could be far worse, he could be my ex husband who was seeing other people (and sleeping with 3/4 of the females we knew).  For now he is restricted enough that there is no time or place for him to "cheat".   I also look at it this way... I have more important things to worry about right now (my job, this baby, and my two daughters, as well as myself) to worry and stress myself out more over something I learned a long time ago; all men leave eventually and no matter who came into my life there would be no choice of them over my children (to include an unborn one).
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