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Women's Health: Postpartum Community
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Avatar universal

DH visiting Gay sites...Please no negative feedback

It has been a long time since I posted here but I'm feeling like I don't have anywhere else to turn to right now. I'm in my 19th week and am scheduled for my 20 week ultrasound next week.

I caught my DH visiting gay porn sites and I don't know what to do. We were intimate when I came home from work yesterday and then we went out later and left our 7 yr old ds with a babysitter (my son is from a previous marriage but calls my DH dad). When we arrived back home I took the babysitter home and when I got back he asked if it was okay if he didn't come to bed with me since "he'd taken care of me earlier". I was curious this morning and checked the history on his laptop. All the sites he had visited last night/early this morning were gay porn sites. I found out that he's bisexual after we had gotten married and even found out that he has had same sex encounters before when he was married to his ex-wife (she liked to have threesomes with two guys). My DH claimed that he didn't like it and wasn't interested in ever having a threesome again but now I'm wondering if he wants to be with another man. All the pictures I saw were men on men action. I'm a really easy going person but I'm feeling very hurt and confused...

continued below...
26 Responses
Avatar universal
continued...

Is there anyone else here that has gone through something like this before? I am not planning on leaving my DH over this but I am planning on demanding answers. I don't know if I'm over-reacting because I'm pregnant. Do a lot of guys view gay porn? I know I find other women attractive but I don't want to have sex with them and I certainly don't want to see another woman naked. It's basically a thought in my head that the other person is pretty and that's it. Could this be all that's going on with my husband?
I understand that this is an open forum but please don't post if your response is that I should leave my husband. I'm stressed out enough over this issue and I don't need negative feedback from people to top it all off. I'm also completely in love with my DH so I'm hoping we can work this out. I'm hoping to get some support and suggestions on how to handle my talk with my DH later tonight. Thanks ladies.
93654 tn?1247502934
So many straight guys look at porn, so I wouldn't be surprised that he's looking at gay porn if he's admittedly bisexual. Do you feel like you can talk to him about what he's found?
Avatar universal
I wouldn't be concerned if it was regular porn. This was all gay porn with 'guy on guy' action. No girls anywhere. I will be talking to him about this later tonight after my son is asleep in bed. My DH knows there's something I need to talk to him about. I just don't know how to broach the subject. He didn't let me know that he was bi-sexual until after we were married and only then because I asked him after we ran into an old friend of his ex-wifes. This guy was very gay and was making comments like they had been together before. He wouldn't talk about his relationship with the guy so I assume he was one of the guys he had a threesome with when he was with his ex-wife.
93532 tn?1349374050
I think you need to figure out what is bothering you. Is it the porn itself or the fact that it is 'gay" porn? You admittedly knew of his biseuality before getting married, correct? So I could assume that isn't was has you upset. Or perhaps you hoped that the marriage would "erase" that part of him?

I sound like a broken record on these things, but the only way to resolve this is to communicate openly with your husband. Lisa is right, sit down and talk with him. Tell him what you found and let him know why it has you upset.

It is tough to feel rational when you are pregnant. Take some deep breaths and kind of prepare yourself mentally for wha is to come. It won't make sense to discuss it if you aren't sure why you are angry or hurt. Again, evaluate what part of this made you upset. Was it the fact he hid it? The fact it was gay pron? The fact it was porn period? Were you feeling set aside for the porn? Whatever the reason, you should be clear. Your husband probably has no idea how you feel on this and would probably be interested to know you are so upset.
Avatar universal
No, I did not know he was bisexual when we got married. I found out after the fact. I was able to deal with it then because I thought he would remain faithful to me but I'm not so sure I can keep him happy anymore. He made it very clear to me last night that he didn't want to be with me sexually so it hurt me very much to find out that he went to a gay porn site after he said he didn't want to be intimate.
93532 tn?1349374050
I'm sorry I guess I misunderstood. Hmm, this is a tough situation. How do you view his porn viewing? Would you be upset if he opted to view "regular' porn rather than be intimate with you the same way? Again, I think you need to be clear in your own mind what about this entire situation upsets you and have a candid conversation with your husband.

Do you feel he is being unfaithful by looking at gay porn? Do you fear he may act on his desires and be unfaithful? These are all questions you may want to consider and as I mentioned, have an honest and open discussion with your husband.
Avatar universal
Thank you for your insight. I am totally in love with my DH and don't wish to leave him over this. It's just a really hard situation to be in when I'm almost 5 months pregnant. I do wish he had been up front with me instead of me finding out about it later on. I don't usually look in the history file of his laptop but last night I just knew he was up to something from his actions and the look on his face. I almost wish I hadn't checked the laptop this morning. Anyway, we'll talk about it tonight and I'm sure we can work through this but it won't be easy. Thanks for sharing.
Avatar universal
I agree with mslkpage's comment....alot of guys (gay, straight, bi,ect) look at porn.  Since your husband identifies as being bisexual, it isn't so surprising that he was looking at gay porn.  He's attracted to men as well....not in the same way you find other women attractive.  Because he chooses to view porn (gay or straight) and might have other sexual desires/fantasies, etc...doesn't mean he's not attracted to you.  I can understand why your feelings were hurt and i agree with the other comment that you need to have an open discussion about this  (without attacking him).  He needs to know it bothers you...but really, at this point,  i wouldn't take it personally (though it's hard not to).
Avatar universal
if your husband is bi-sexula all porn will excite him.  my husband looks at porn and honestly we have a great sex life.  I would openly discuss it with him and see if there is anything he needs to talk about.  he may feel better knowing you know...    
Avatar universal
I just want to clarify that my ds does not and never has watched any form of pornography. Nor would I ever condone something of that nature. My DH's laptop is normally locked and my ds is only allowed to use it occasionally.
Avatar universal
Unfortunately, I don't think I explained myself very well in the beginning. My husband admitted to me that he's attracted to guys and can get turned on by looking at an attractive man but he said he's not interested in having gay sex or watching gay sex. Maybe I'm naive but I believed him. The gay porn sites he went to are exclusively men having sex with each other. I wouldn't care if he got turned on watching a man and woman having sex but of course it bothers me that he didn't want to be intimate with me and then went to a gay site with guys having sex. He had told me that the bisexual thing he had going on with his ex-wife was an experimental stage and it is what led to their divorce because he didn't want to continue and she did. Now I don't know what to believe. I feel like he's been lying to me or at the very least not being as open and honest with me as he should be. I had a difficult time accepting when I first found out he'd had bi-sexual experiences but I got over it because I thought it was in the past. I wouldn't have married him if I had any inkling he was bisexual or potentially gay. I have a young ds and I don't want him to be exposed to that kind of environment. My ds uses my DH's laptop everyonce in awhile. I don't want him to hit the wrong button and see men having sex with each other. I was raised in a very strict household and we didn't even know things of that nature existed until I was out of the house. I plan on raising my son and baby in a similar way. I don't want them exposed to a gay or lesbian lifestyle when they're young. I have no problem with people's sexual orientation and if one of my kids are gay than I will accept it but I don't want something to influence them at a young age. I hope I've explained myself a little bit better.

I know many people that are gay or lesbians and I don't judge them in a negative way because of their sexual orientation. However, I don't want my children to be subjected to that lifestyle.

My DH never told me that he watches gay porn. He's doing it behind my back. I said in the beginning that I'm talking to him about it tonight to let him know I'm upset by it. I was hoping there was someone else on here that went through a similiar situation and could help me through approaching the subject with my DH.

Thanks for your comments everyone.
Avatar universal
I totally hear what you are saying and would be stressed out in your situation as well (as if it isn't hard enough simply being pregnant let alone dealing with another child and potential touchy issues with dh). However, not wanting to be intimate and looking at a gay porn site are two different things. I think it is important for you to determine whether you feel like he is cheating on you because he is looking at these sites, or whether you truly don't mind him looking at porn. If he is admittedly bisexual, there shouldn't be an issue with him looking at gay porn if you don't mind him looking at regular porn. However, I would mind my dh looking at regular porn and would therefore take issue with him looking at gay porn as well. If you feel this way, I think you need to explain it to him. If you feel like it is fine for him to look at regular porn and say that you are okay with him being bisexual so long as he is faithful, then I think that having him look at gay porn should be no different than regular porn. Unfortunately, I think this is an internal issue that you have to decide alone ... what are you comfortable with? Are you hurt because you feel like he is cheating? Are you hurt because he didn't tell you in advance (or after) that he was looking at these sites? Etc. I truly with you the best!
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