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365571 tn?1219597746

Issue 1: Should I keep the grandparents involved??

Hey Ladies!

Quick back ground to the situations at hand...  I know have a 6 month old baby girl Lilly, who is my world!  Her "father" has been impossible though.  When I found out I was pregnant I told Travis (her "father") and he told me to "Get an abortion NOW".  I told him "NO WAY!", I don't believe in abortion for any reason.  That didn't make him very happy, infact he was livid.  I went to see him a few days later and the first 30 min I was there I was threatned.  He told me he looked online and found that large doses of vitamine C could cause a m/c and that he was going to drug me, or the other option was that he would flatout sell her on the black market.  I left horrified for both me and baby.  I got through my pregnancy alone and now Lilly is here and he wants nothing to do with her.  But my problem is that the grandparents still do want to be involved.  I had never meet Travis's parents or even spoken to them while we were together so it was very uncomfortable.  I did however make the trip to see them with Lilly alone...they we very nice and it seemed they really wanted to meet her and was very thankful I did come.  They send cards and money on occasion and I think they are really trying, but I don't know what to do.  

I was able to get Travis to terminate his parental rights and I now have sole custody of Lilly.  He jumped on this chance because he didn't want to pay child support or have anything to do with her.  Infact when he got the papers in the mail to sign he took them to his attorney...threw the papers on the table and asked the attorney 'where in this process do I get screwed?".  She told him 'well its like you never had a child at all..'  and he said 'right, so where in this do I get screwed?".  This was a story he told me to my face.  Why he told me that I don't know unless its just to get at me.  The good news is, its final and I have court documents saying I have sole custody of Lilly.  

Travis has a ex-wife, Marcie....and a 9 year old son, Benjamine.  Travis only sees Ben once a year for a week and talks to him on the phone a handful of times a year... which I think is sad, but at least he acknowledges him.   How am I suppost to allow Lilly to be involved with this family??  Marcie has ruled that she wants Ben to have NOTHING to do with Lilly or to even know about her...and if they wanted to continue to see him they HAD to follow her rules.  I gave them pictures of Lilly like they asked, but how is that suppost to work??  Like Christmas....if they put up pictures and everyone comes over and askes "Whos that?" what are they going to say??  What are they going to tell Ben??  Travis won't even acknowledge her... "Oh, that Travis's daughter that no one is allowed to know about".  How will that affect my daughter in the future??  That Benjamine was worth enough to acknowledge, but she was not.  That she is a dirty little secret and that she wasn't wanted.  This child means the world to me.  She did not ask for any of this...and even though she wasn't planned ... she is worthy and I do love her.  I love both my kids.  I just don't understand and its a difficult situation.  I wanted to know what some of you all think about this and how you might handle it.  Or maybe someone else is been though this... I don't know I'm lost and heartbroken and just need a little guidence.
15 Responses
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365571 tn?1219597746
Thanks to everyone for their opinions, guidance, and advice.  Sometimes being so close to the situation can make it hard to see things clearly!
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Wow what a jerk.  I didnt have time to read all the comments.  But please do not let this man effect one ounce of your life.  On occasion I would his his parents pictures.  If they want to put them up great, if not...Oh well.  If they want to see her, I would let them come on by...only on your terms and when you have time.  It is great they want to be a part of your little girls life, because it is a part of them too...they just happen to have a jerk for a son.  Just see how it goes for awhile.  Let your daughter always know that she is loved more than antyhing.  I am sure in the future it will come up about her father..and maybe her grandparents.  You will then have to figure out a way to tell her about the whole situtation.  But his parents really do sound like nice people.
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210400 tn?1325380570
My daughter's "Donar" as I'd like to put terminated his rights to her when she was about a year old. His parents had always wanted to be a part of her life. To this day they are in it. The have pictures up of her all over the place. Not only that but they also allow my other children to call them grandma and grandpa and the family knows the entire situation because the gparents told them their son was a dead beat; they are very greatful and I wouldn't change allowing them in her life. It was a tough decision, I wanted to almost make a clean cut since my husband adopted her; but I couldn't be that cruel to take her away from her biological gparents that really do love her. (My daugher will be 8 years old now in Jan.). I wish you the best in making this decision.
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Avatar universal
i think it sounds like they really do want to be involved
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Avatar universal
ab i agree 100% with what you said.  while kim may have a different situation whatyoumakeofme is in something that is very toxic.  while the grandparents may have good intentions and later on be involved, id be afraid to get close even a little bit at this point.  

i dont envy you but you can now make every choice and decision based on what is good for you and your children.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
i dont think she should tell ben anything but just live her life with her child like she normally would. if she wants her to see her paternal grandparents then go over there and dont let bens mom try and control her life.
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134578 tn?1642048000
I agree that the grandparents might very well step up and do the right thing.  I was just saying that it's not WhatYou's problem to try to fix who tells Ben what, or what happens at Christmas when there is a photo around , or who says what to the grandparents about who they can see.  All it is going to do, if WhatYou engages in it, is lead down a chute into a huge pile of poo.  My guess is the grandparents (who sound like their moral compass is straight) will want to stay in contact no matter what,  But it is not in WhatYou's control, and trying to change things that you cannot control is a road to madness.  She and her daughter are well out of that, even if it does mean loss of contact with nice grandparents.  If she gracefully bows out "for now" and keeps in touch with letters and photos, it gives Grandpa and Grandma the freedom to decide to be adults or not, and to determine how to play it with the ex.  
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Avatar universal
travis has two kids wether anyone likes it or not. i think if they are going to accept ben then need to accept your daughter. i dont think its it anyones interest to act like she doesnt exist or is not part of the family.

you might be thinking everyones going to say "whos this?" "this is travis daughter no one knows about...." WAIT AND SEE! Im telling you.

i thought people would be like oh this is kims son dominic or whatever because when i had dominic, keiths father came in and got a phone call and wound up saying "kim had her baby" he didnt say kim had the baby or kim and keith just had the baby. so i thought it would be like that forever, well as soon as the dna test came in i was proven very wrong. his mom accepted dominic right away saying he looks just like keith when he was born. and when that dna test came in for the world to see.....everyone accepts dommy.

i go to keiths familys houses all the time. i was out with his HUDGE paternal side last night. it was oh "this is the youngest (keiths last name) even though he doesnt have our last name" "this is my nephew, grandson, cousin" " part of the family" "family photos" keiths sister told me last night i was family so she wouldnt charge me (on pizza at her job) its you have to come to family dinners, family partys everything. everyone comes up to us, even though i have NO idea who they are, and says "oh this is kieths little boy" or "oh its little keith" so his family makes it WELL known who this baby is!

the dad might be (fill in the blanks becuase there can be a vast variety of words to describe some of them ) but the world will keep on turning without them.

when i got the notice in we were going to court for child support, i was so worried keiths family would hate me and let dominic suffer because i was taking their son to court. i told his half sister and she called his dad and he called me and told me "dominics my grandson no matter what. no matter what happens between you and my son, hes my grandson and that will never change" and that stayed true.

i think family, espically grandparents cant and wont deny their grandchildren.


i say tell them how you feel. and make sure if they want to be in your daughters life. they are and wont just float in and out! and if they agree then GREAT if not then ***** for them!
Helpful - 0
93532 tn?1349370450
You said it all, Brooke. Very well, might I add.

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134578 tn?1642048000
I think you are wasting your time being heartbroken over this.  He didn't want you to have the baby and you did want to have the baby.  It was your choice, you are not the victim in this situation, but an autonomous adult in charge of your own life, who made a decision, and like all decisions, it has results.  Being heartbroken is a useless expenditure of your important energy and time, and it will NOT change anything, especially anything about how your ex or his ex are acting.

Don't concern yourself about trying somehow to make the treatment of the children equal.  Their situations (probably) aren't equal, after all, you have sole legal custody, which means you are the sole parent, and the son is an acknowledged child and has been around for a while.  All that letting your ego get involved about whose child is being treated worse is going to do is to tie you deeper and deeper into a mess that has no end.  Your daughter is being treated by the sperm donor in a way consistent with the way he has always behaved, as a happening he does not want in his life, not as a "dirty little secret."  Getting offended and trying to  force some kind of parity of treatment of the children onto the situation is a frikin' waste of time, and I don't think you even have the moral right, since in the eyes of the law, he is not her parent.  

Please focus all your energy on creating a good life for yourself and your children, which means getting totally away from the sperm donor and his family and his extended ex-family. The guy is no prize, and who cares about what his ex-wife says.  The guy is SO not a prize.   Anyone who will threaten to sell a child belongs in jail, not in your big book of heartbreak.  He is not worth grieving over or being indignant about for even one moment.  He is just a crumb.  Walk totally away.  

As for the grandparents, my suggestion is that you thank them for the interest and the money (which you of course mention that you have put into an account for Lilly's college fund), and tell them that while you appreciate their desire for contact, the entire situation is so toxic that for now, there needs to be no contact.  You will drop them a card or letter and a photo every birthday, and that is all you can do for now.

In the meantime, find a decent man.  It sounds like you deserve it!  Lilly may not have a sperm donor who wants her in his life, but that is not what a father is.  The father is the guy who goes to all the soccer games and stands in the rain and cheers, and the one who takes her to Brownies, and the one who holds her in the night when she is sick.  Not some a-hole who is willing to have unprotected sex and then wants no consequences.  Dr. Laura was telling someone the other day, who was worried about how she would tell her daughter someday that she was from some guy who didn't want a child, that the way to say it is, "Mommy made a mistake."  Not "Someone didn't want you."  What you had was someone who wanted to play and not pay, and he didn't reject your daughter, he rejected his life being re-ordered because there was a consequence of his play.  Your mistake, you picked the wrong man.  Not her failing or loss or fault in any way.
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365571 tn?1219597746
Travis is 32, but acts 12!
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365571 tn?1219597746
I have a very supportive family and lots of people that just adore and love Lilly.  When I went to court about termination of rights I had to prove this..that she had a loving, supportive network.  And she does she is very loved by everyone.  
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13167 tn?1327194124
At the first of your post,  I thought it would be a good idea to involve loving caring grandparents.  Grandparents who can kiss and hug the grandkids is such a powerfully loving thing for them.

But it really sounds like as she grows,  this will be more about rejection than love -

Do you have extended family that will be around for her?
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Avatar universal
well your daughters father is an a$$h>>>> lol, seriously, men are just cruel, i dont undertstand how he could be that way to his own daughter, his own blood.

well i have advice for u, my dh exwife is a mean one too he hasnt seen his kids in 4 years, and he honestly did nothing wrong, she was just someone who had to sleep around she was the bad girl type, she is now married and had two kids, but dh has two boys from her and they dont know anything about my son or daughter on the way, she has two new kids a girl almost the same age as my son and a son who was just born, but she wont tell her kids about their other brother and sister. i think that is so wrong on so many levels, but there is nothing U could do about that,.

As for the grandparents, they seem nice. If I were you, I would deal with them, visit them when they ask you, since they send you money and all. Just let them be in her life, since her dad isn't. he seems like a monster. But i would tottally let the grandparents see her occasionally.  I honeslty can't believe he was wanting to drug you. how old is he? he acts like a 14 year old. But dont worry, u have sole custody of your daughter and u love her very much thats all that matters. let the grandparents be with her, as long as your there i wouldnt let them take her alone. You never know what they could do. Just be careful. best of luck
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250155 tn?1485295939
hi.  i haven't seen you on here in quite some time!  i'm glad to hear that your dd is doing good and i hope you are doing well, too (physically).

i don't have any advice on this situation as i've never dealt w/ anything like this before...  but i hope someone can help.
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