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Avatar universal

Just needing to vent about DH - How can I get him to help with the kids?

My DH is great about helping around the house, but when it comes to helping with my kids, he does nothing!  He never helped with my DS now almost 4, but now that I have 2 kids I really need some help.  I am working full time, too and he refuses to get up in the middle of the night.  I am so tired,  Today, I have been up since 4:00 a.m. and am at school with 21 kindergarteners.  It is really hard to have any patience.  If DH ever does get up, he ends up waking me up anyway saying he can't get my DD back to sleep.  Well, that is because she is not used to him!  Sorry if I am rambling, but I just need to vent!  How can I get DH to take more responsibility with the kids?  Any ideas would be helpful.
84 Responses
Avatar universal
im new here wot is dh ds n dd sorry to ask
Avatar universal
dh-dear husband
dd-dear daughter
ds-dear son
224256 tn?1212257023
I think you should sit down with him and let him know how you feel. It took both you guys to make a baby so I feel that he should put a little more effort into helping with the kids. It's not fair that you should do everything. When I had my 1st born my hubby and I shared the responsibility one night he took care of the baby and the other night was my turn, that way I we both were getting a break. I hope this helps!!!!!!  Good Luck
377600 tn?1225163436
My husband was sort of like this at first because I nursed and he never had to get up.  He basically felt like I could calm the child down the fastest so I should do it.  Maybe you can coax him to go in with you and you stay with him a few times. Then, when he gets comfortable and the child gets used to him being there--then it will work out better.

Hope this helps.
Avatar universal
this is a common problem anymore, and its because things have changed for the worse.  being a mother is a 24 hour job, and no one allows for it.  do you really have to work?  can you cut expenses so you can stay home and take care of them?  you can do without brand new cars and cell phones and eating out.  it might have taking 2 to create them, but it only takes one to support them financially.  and im all for women having careers, and i plan on having one, but im going to wait until all my children are in school.  if you want children, you need to have the time to raise them.  
146191 tn?1236877812
unfortunately not everyone has the ability to financially support the entire family on one income. and you know what i think, even if i stayed home all day - which i don't - i would still want some help from my husband when he was home. taking care of a child is a 24 hour job and no one is expected to work a 24 hour a day job, so why should a SAHM be expected to do everything by herself. i respect your desire to live your life this way but please remember that one size does not fit all. i don't quitting my job and relieving my husband of all duties would necessarily help things all that much. to each his own is a good rule to live by.

to the OP - if and when you find a way to get your husband to help more with the kids - please share - i could use some help too! my husband is also good about doing things around the house, if i ask him to, starting dinner if he's home before me, etc. but it is a fight and battle to get him to do anything involving the baby. he says he'll be better with him when he's older and can tell him what he wants. well it could be a lot easier for me then too! he will not get out of bed to get the crying baby unless i push him out and then he will complain all the live long day about having to be the one to get him, change him, feed him. i work full time and our son is in daycare (which he loves!) but it is a lot to work, be a mom and take care of the house. men for some reason think we are superwomen and we are "made" to do all this. not the case. what i have founf in the past though, its that the more you show him you can do, the more that is expected of you. i know exactly where you're coming from though, and with 2, its 2x harder.

good luck.
Avatar universal
ponderrousmom- I couldn't disagree with you more (I'll try to keep this civil).  Having children is a job in itself, I agree.  But it shouldn't be on the woman's shoulders 100% even if she's a stay at home mom.  It IS possible to have a career and raise children.  We lead a pretty simple life (haven't gone out to dinner in months) and we still cannot afford to live on Dh's salary alone.  I happen to make more than him.  We're having #2 in March and I cannot afford to sit home for more than 2 months.  Does that make me a terrible mother b/c I can't stay home with my child?  

lbf- I'd have a serious talk with DH and tell him that you can't do it all alone.  Maybe have certain nights where he's on "duty" so to speak.  I believe that daddy should be involved just as much as mommy.  Even when I was breastfeeding DD, Dh would get up to hand her to me, give me a glass of water or change her after feeding.  I appreciated all the help I could get and needed all the help I could get.  Hope you can agree on a schedulel where he gets up to help out.  Good luck
Avatar universal
We must've been typing at the same time :)
Avatar universal
and yes, everyone does have the ability to live on one income--go back a few decades, they did it just fine.  people are just more selfish now--needs and wants are confused--and you left with a generation of kids being raised by daycares.  and men are supposed to help, and im all for dh actually meaning dumb husband sometimes, but at the same time, when a woman gives birth, she also gains "maternal instinct", men dont.  people try to fit children into THEIR lives rather then fitting their lives around their children.  everyone posts on here about how tired they are, about their baby not wanting to sleep without them, but alot of the times, thats the most attention they get in one stretch by their mother.  children would rather have their mother then a brand new house or car, or 90 tv channels.  you should ask a child sometime which they prefer.  and a woman who works fulltime, and is a mother "fulltime", without honestly needing to is not a super woman, she is a selfish woman.
Avatar universal
girliegrl & me2mommy2be,
Thanks ladies for the posts and for defending those of us that have to work.  I work in Early Childhood and see both sides of the debate everyday.  Sure, I would love to be a stay at home mom but agree with girliegrl that even when I am at home in the summer I need a break.  Sometimes more than when I am working.  I see in the kids I teach everyday the benefits of both staying at home and working.  Kids from both situations have different areas in which they excell.  My kids personally love their daycare and need some structured play away from home.  I totally believe that you can work and be a great mom, too!  My sister-in-law stays home and my nephew is not as bonded to her as my own kids are with me.  I think it is all a matter of the kind of parent you choose to be.  A friend recently told me "it is not the quantity of time you spend with your kids, it is the quality."  I remember this everytime I start to feel guilty for leaving my kids.  
I am going to talk to DH again tonight and express my frustration and exhaustion.  I hope he gets the point.  
ponderous,
I am glad you can stay home, but there is no need to put down those who can't.  I think your closing comment "if you want children, you need to have the time to raise them" was totally uncalled for.  I beat myself up enough for having to leave  my kids and I spend my day teaching other's kids.  If all of your kids teachers lived by your philosophy you would have no quality teachers for your own kids.  So, next time you need to think about who you are talking to and maybe keep some of your thoughts to yourself.  I am not usually one to confront other posters, but I was really offended by your post.
Avatar universal
I typed the last comment before reading your latest.  I think you will have a lot of people upset about your thoughts.  You are being very judgmental.  A working mother is "not a superwoman, she is a selfish woman" is worse than your first comment.  I think you should stop expressing your feeling before you offend more people.  
Avatar universal
If I stood home with my baby, we would not have dinner on the table or a telephone.  As wonderful as it sounds, staying home with my daughter, some people just HAVE to work.  So should I not have had a daughter because I HAVE to work?
And I'll admit, and I really dont care how terrible it sounds, that I like to work.  I think it takes an incredible women to be a stay at home mom.  And as much guilt as I feel HAVING to work and be away from her, I need my job for my sanity.
Some may take that as me being a bad mother, but who cares, it's my truth.  I love my daughter, I would kill/die for her, I'm a good mother, and that is that.
Avatar universal
If I stood home with my baby, we would not have dinner on the table or a telephone.  As wonderful as it sounds, staying home with my daughter, some people just HAVE to work.  So should I not have had a daughter because I HAVE to work?
And I'll admit, and I really dont care how terrible it sounds, that I like to work.  I think it takes an incredible women to be a stay at home mom.  And as much guilt as I feel HAVING to work and be away from her, I need my job for my sanity.
Some may take that as me being a bad mother, but who cares, it's my truth.  I love my daughter, I would kill/die for her, I'm a good mother, and that is that.
Avatar universal
If I stood home with my baby, we would not have dinner on the table or a telephone.  As wonderful as it sounds, staying home with my daughter, some people just HAVE to work.  So should I not have had a daughter because I HAVE to work?
And I'll admit, and I really dont care how terrible it sounds, that I like to work.  I think it takes an incredible women to be a stay at home mom.  And as much guilt as I feel HAVING to work and be away from her, I need my job for my sanity.
Some may take that as me being a bad mother, but who cares, it's my truth.  I love my daughter, I would kill/die for her, I'm a good mother, and that is that.
Avatar universal
Sorry, I'm not sure what happened.
146191 tn?1236877812
thank you for saying it. because if you didn't, i would have. i again disagree that everyone can raise a family on one income. i think maybe ponderousmom isn't taking into account the fact that this is not decades ago and the simple fact that the cost of living is much different than it was decades ago. i am all for being a SAHM and at times i think if i could i would, but its just not possible right now. my son is well cared for when i am not around. i spend every free minute i have with him. he sleeps by himself just fine and he loves me and my husband no different than he would if i was home with him 24/7. we are NOT selfish for working full time and being a full time mom, if anything, we are selfLESS for doing EVERYTHING we need to do to provide for our children the best we can. there are many varying opinions on this subject and everyone's situation is different. i have nothing against women who stay home with their children, but you cannot tell a mother who is working that she is wrong. as i said above, to each his own. such generalized statements as ponderousmom is making are likely to offend and possibly hurt many women on here.
Avatar universal
Your comments sound exactly like someone resentful for what they do.  If you are truly happy with your life and decisions you have made, you have no need to worry and judge what other people choose to do....especially if they are working for a living to support their family.  Take a good look at why it would bother you so much before you start ranting.
Other moms would not be on here asking questions if they didnt care or werent good moms, some times it just provides a little sanity to talk with other moms.  Life's too short to be that judgemental.
If her question was..."should I work or not?" you could chime in, otherwise your negativity is really not welcome,and there is no need to come back and say what you are sick and tired of or that
this is for opinions, you're right it is - and this was mine.
Avatar universal
1.  im am sorry i offend people occasionally, but i am not sorry for my opinions.  

2.  our cost of living is no different then yours, we just make do. good ole paycheck to paycheck. and i said a woman who didnt HONESTLY need to work was being selfish. and if you sat down and crunched some numbers, im sure there are things you and everyone else can do without, if you choose.  and you might see a way to cut back hours, if not the job all together.

3.  you are complaining about him not helping, im sure you offended people with that, alot would be happy if the father was just there.

4.  why cant you work opposite each other? if he cant change shifts, you could be a tutor in the evening.  you would have no child care expense because he would be there to watch them, you would still have extra income, and he would have more respect for you, because he would have no choice but to care for them and the house while you were away---or maybe he could work more hours? because the bottom line is that your not happy with your current situation.  if he isnt willing to help change it, then you should change it.  stretching yourself too thin is not going to help your career, marriage, or family.  
5.  this is not meant to offend, its easy to misinterpret posts.
Avatar universal
lbf- I hope the talk will make him see things your way.  

Ponderous- let's not start comparing our cost of living.  I'm POSITIVE that the cost of living in NY is somewhat higher than it is in AL.  Let me guess...we're selfish for living in NY, is that your next statement?  
13167 tn?1327194124
God,  when I read threads like this,  I thank the angels I have a husband who was committed to me staying home with the kids.  

It's not like we have more money than we know how to spend - it's all about priorities,  and I don't want to be nagging him to get up with a 2 month old baby in the middle of the night - I can do that,  and he can sleep.  

Women are not meant to work 8 hours a day with a 2 month old baby.

On this board you can all scream that I'm nuts,  but look whose complaining and look who isn't.  
172826 tn?1423422956
ok im going to put my 10 cents into this...sorry if i am rude but....argh this agrivated me....my bf goes to school full time and works full time. he is in school 8am-12 or 1 and works 5pm to 1am...he is extremely tired so i take care of our son. I am a stay at home mom for the moment and am planning on returning to school in may when my ds will be 8 months old. I love being at home with my son but I need to return to school before jan09 or else i will have to restart my whole 3 yrs of college...I had to withdraw to to pregnancy issues and working with children and my college coordinator was unfair and didnt want to work with me so I withdrew a month before my placement...A MONTH...anyways not impressed but okay...so technically I've been at home since may and couldnt work either..its about to be a year and i am going insane...my bf cannot support us because he has his school to pay for in order to get a good job...to be able to support us in the future...I'm on assistance and I dont get very much to pay rent, formula, diapers, food etc...I'd starve myself before making my child starve but he misses of nothing...I am really beginning to look forward to go back to school but I know I will cry and to hear things like the fact that if you wanted a kid you should be able to stay home with them is hurtful...Like everyone else said you cannot raise a family on a one income family..kudos to those single moms...I find it hard just being on assistance and doing all this..and I really dont want to go back to school in a way but its whats best for my son so that I can provide for him and if he asks me or his dad once things are under control if he can go to a field trip or join a sports team something...We will not be heartbroken to say no all you're allowed is food and clothes and we have to do the rest because were on a one income family...In a wonderful world you can but this isn't a wonderful world...

I pay 650 for rent and its a nice place but its still a sh*t hole...I'd love to buy a house one day instead of throwing my money right now into just rent...Something to call my own...I came with nothing in this world and I want to leave with giving as much to my children as my parents have given to me...I'm 21, almost 22 years old and my parents still help if i need it...my god my dad is going to lend me their car for my placement and is going to buy me a car after im done...its mainly for his grandson but he knows i dont have the means and all that right now and if i have to be at placement at 7am...the buses dont start until 630 and if my son is in daycare at the other end of the city..how am i going to do it???

I was always taught...my parents gave me everything they never had so basically you can imagine...I was very spoiled but I was also taught the facts of life and the meanings and to respect and treat people right etc...so having been raised that way I want to do the same for my child and children to come...i dont want to sound mean here but i dont want to be on assistance for the rest of my life..its not the way to go...

so women you go girls who choose to work and those who eventually go back...if you have to you have to...life isnt perfect and money doesnt fall from trees...i wish and i think everyone does too..but it doesnt so..reality not everyone can stay at home all the time...so if it makes me a bad mom for going to school and it makes us all a bad mom for either working or school while we have babies then yeah were allllll horrible mothers who should of never had children...riiiight....
Avatar universal
I completely agree that women are not meant to work a full day with a 2 month-old.  I have the luxury to take a few clients a week and work 2-3 hours a day when I first go back but not everyone does.  We have a terrible system in place when it comes to maternity.
146191 tn?1236877812
i don't WANT to work 8 hours a day with a baby. its hard. there is nothing easy about it. but the reason i work isn't because my husband says it have to. my husband would love for me to able to stay home. but i can't. my husband is committed to our family and us doing ehat we need to in order to live comfertably and be happy. i can't take how people like you and ponderousmom think of this as a cookie cutter situation. you cannot generalize such things because everyone's lives and needs are different.

if you did not "bother" your husband to get up with the baby - thats your choice. guess what? even if i did stay home, i would still ask my husband to help me out and get up with the baby every now and then. because he should. i believe times have changed, men need to help. if you disagree with that, go talk to the woman on this forum who said she brings her husband coffee in bed before he opens his eyes and packs him lunch everyday with little love notes. imo, i married my husband to be his wife, not his mother. our son is OURS and we need to share in the responsibility 50/50. any man who wants to have zero responsibility around the house or around the children needs to call up one of you ladies who want to wait on them hand and foot, or they need to go back to 1920's when this was the way things were.

lastly, rockrose, we are not complaining about having to work and be mothers. nothing makes me happier than being a mother. and i have no problem working to help in supporting our family. the OP was asking for suggestions on how to get her husband to share with the responsibility of his children. but, in an y event, do you really think its right that children aren't used to their fathers enough to fall asleep with them? did your wonderful, loving, committed husband ever put any of your children to sleep when they were babies? change diapers? feed them? do they even know who he is?

i swore when i read ponderousmom's initial response that i wasn't going to start a battle, but my whole point is, people choose to live theier lives the way they do. it is not fair for people such as you and ponderousmom to be telling us the way we're doing it is WRONG. its not wrong, its our choice. we are not telling you that being your husband's servant is wrong. its your choice.
Avatar universal
wow--everyones so defensive...makes me wonder if you dont doubt what your doing.  and did you ever stop to think that sharing things 50/50 is what makes the divorce rate the same??  if men were meant to raise babies, wouldnt they be able to give birth too?  my whole point is money isnt everything, yes you need food, clothes and shelter, but after that, its your choice.  i wouldnt even have said anything, i keep my mouth shut alot, but she is a teacher.  she effects lots of kids lives.  and im not saying shes not a good teacher, or putting her down, but currently, shes tired, and tired people are cranky, and shes responsible for a class full of children, plus her own, you think shes at 100%?.  its alot easier to change yourself then try and change someone else, itll only cause problems.

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