To: Anyone, Everyone
This is the worst thing I've ever been through. No one should have to go through this. My heart is breaking right now - for myself, and for all of you. Here's my story, for what it's worth. And I'm sorry for writing a book...but this is the only place I feel I can vent about it. No one else understands...
DH had a vasectomy years ago after having 3 kids in a previous marriage. He is 43 and the love of my life. The fact that he's willing to have kids all over again with me...at his age...geez he loves me a lot. HOWEVER...we knew up front that we needed to have kids soon, bc (understandably) he didn't want to be 47-50 chasing a toddler around! So...We paid 10K for a reversal that didn't work, then he lost his job. We emptied our IRA in order to do a cycle of ICSI (costing over 20K), so this was our only shot. Everything went BEAUTIFULLY!! I'm only 28 with no prior MC or pregnancies. I've wanted a child for so long...
DH and I recently found out that we were pregnant from the ICSI. Unfortunately, last Tuesday Oct 12 the sonogram showed that we were pregnant with twins, but that it was a heterotopic pregnancy - one in the uterus, one in the Fallopian tube. I had emergency surgery same day to remove my left tube and baby. Exactly one week later, we found out that the remaining twin didn’t make it through the surgery with me. There was this little body laying on it's back...this little bitty body that I've waited my whole life to see, but no heartbeat. The day of my surgery, the intrauterine twin had measured at 6 weeks, 0 days. Exactly one week later, it measured 6 weeks 1 day. That tells us it’s life continued until around the morning after my surgery. I was two months pregnant.
The obvious concern now is my health. My body hasn’t let it go yet. My Dr didn't give me the option of DC. He wants me to pass it naturally if possible, then will opt to medicate me in order to induce contractions of the uterus to force my baby out. If that doesn't work, then he'll schedule the DC. The wait is torture. So naturally, I lay my hand on my belly, then remember it's dead in there. The first morning after the news was the worst. I woke up at 4am giggling because "baby needs to pee again"...then got the wind kicked out of me when I remembered that it wasn't a nightmare, it's real...and its gone.
The pain is all consuming. I lost 2 babies and my left tube in 7 days...and one is still inside me dead. Why should anyone have to go through this. I'm a good person. I swear! Has anyone else gone through this??
Most of the posts I read...the ladies get to try again. People that don't know we did ICSI try to comfort us by being positive and they say "it's ok...it doesn't mean you'll never be a mom! it just means it wasn't the right time! But yall can grieve as long as you need to and then try again!!"
I just wanna scream!!! "NO WE CAN'T!!!! WE HAVE NO MONEY!!!! IT'S OVER AND I GET TO MOURN TWO BABIES, BUT NEVER EVER BE A MOM!!!!!"
I've always been able to FIND a positive out of the worst situations, and pull myself up and go on. But I'm seriously having trouble doing that this time. I'm strong, so I know I'll survive...I don't really have a choice. But I desperately wanted to have a baby - i've wanted that for years and years. I get my chance and they're ripped from me???
Ugh...ok, I'll stop. I just needed to vent.
Is there anyone that can help me? I've never gone through a MC before and I'm terrified. It's been 4 days since I stopped the Progesterone. Tonight I started spotting a bit. I've had someone with me for almost 2 weeks non stop - first because of the surgery, now because my Dr worried about hemorrhaging. But tonight, when I started spotting, I sent my mom home. My DH is at his son's high school football game. But I really want to do this alone. No one knows what I'm going through. No one could've loved it already as I do. When it happens, I selfishly want to grieve alone, but I'm also scared. I have NO IDEA what to expect. If I just started spotting, does that mean I for sure will pass it naturally? How soon will it happen? Will it hurt? How much blood is too much blood? Will my baby come out all at once? Will it look like the pictures of a 6 or 8 week old fetus I saw on the internet? What do I do with it? Freaking bury it in the backyard? Hold it in my hand for a while to say goodbye? I realize it would've only been the size of a blueberry at 6-8 weeks...but it's my little blueberry and flushing it down the toilet doesn't seem right!!
Please, if anyone can answer these questions...please help me!
And if anyone can give me hope...I'm listening. I just can't fathom a world where good people can't have the chance to be good parents just because we don't have another 20K lying around...seems so unfair.
Thanks for letting me share, and my arms are around all of you who've gone through similar experiences. There just HAS to be a special place in Heaven for those who've suffered like this...
Love to you all.