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Women's Health: Postpartum Community
26.1k Members
Avatar universal

Shaneswife.......please read

I wanted to make sure you got this so I started a new post.
Go to these websites and read them. I think they may help you. I hope they do. On the first website there is a lot of very good info that if you listen to, should help you. I know you are struggling with this and feel guilty. This site may help you work through that. Click on the links on the left side and read through them. I hope this helps.


http://www.adulthoodwonderful.com/survive%20affairs/grass%20is%20not%20greener.htm

http://www.cyberlove101.com/story1.htm

31 Responses
183784 tn?1189759432
Thanks for the links. There was a lot of really good info there. None of which I havent thought of already. I know what I am doing is crazy and I know theres the potential for it to be dangerous. But I have to be the one to decide that, and from everything I know about him, he is in no way shape or form dangerous. No I am not willing to meet with him tomorrow, but we do plan to meet. I just dont see a single father, obtaining custody of his 2 daughters as being very likely to be a murderer. My marriage didnt start going downhill because of this meeting, it has been this way for a long time now. There were many problems even in the very begining, but I have tried to work through them for almost 11 years now. Everyone has their breaking point. I know it sounds selfish for me to want to be happy and put my children in the group of those from a broken home, but if their mother is not happy could they ever truely be happy themselves. Thanks again for your concern and comments.
152852 tn?1205717026
Shaneswife, Is your husband abusive?  An adulterer?  Does he have an addiction?

I have heard the
159354 tn?1286371288
I just wanted to say if anything I agree with you 100% about one thing you said.

Happiness comes from within.  You can not look to others to make you happy.  People are human and everyone has faults no one can be perfect 100% of the time.

I know if I had met my husband sooner, 4 years sooner (we almost met) it would not have worked.  I was not at a place where I could be happy.

I found my happiness deep inside me and boy when I met my DH....now I know this is for life.

I feel for Shaneswife, she sounds exactly like my mom, with the exception that my mom did leave my dad for 6 months but not for another man....she just left.  We were all grown and it even hurt us grown children.  

Now, they are back and bicker and bicker like "everybody loves raymonds - parents" on that show...lol, but they do love each other.

They are committed.  That is one thing I remember.  My pastor talked to my DH and I prior to getting married.  He said.  Marriage isn't about love, after time the love changes.  it's there but not the same as giddy love.  Marriage is about COMMITMENT.  Working through it all, together.

Commitment....my DH and I live that everyday.
142722 tn?1281537216
Wow, you are going through a lot.  I'm not so sure that I would leave my husband for a man I meet on the internet, but I don't know what you are going through either.  If your husband isn't abusive or hasn't cheated on you, why leave him without giving him a chance?  You have a history with him and what if you meet this man and things go great and then you are in the same boat with him and meet another man on the internet when times are hard with him - you leave him?  If you are not happy with your husband maybe time apart will help - then you could really understand how you feel about him.  I know you are not planning to leave, but before you get to that point - make sure.  I have found in my own life that jumping from one man to another didn't work - now this is just me and what I think.  I do hope things work out for you and that you are happy, as well as your children.  Good luck and try not to stress to much - enjoy your pregnancy :-)
Avatar universal
You have every right to be happy, You are right about that.
It sounds like you have made your mind up. I really do hope the best for you and hope everything works out the way it was ment to. Stay safe please..I wish you all the best.
Avatar universal
not being fulfilled in your marriage is NOT the worst thing that could happen- and you vowed for better or worse.
I am not saying all this without being with a jerk, trust me.  I spent 11 years chasing my DH and wondering why he didnt love me etc.  But I tried something different than run.  I owed it to myself and my children.  I wooed my hubby and treated him like I wanted to be treated, and at first it took alot more of him being a jerk, bc it was like he was testing me.  Long story short, it didnt take long at all for him to wake up, and talk to me.  He told me the things that have been bothering him all these years, and realizes he does love me more than anything and now he treats me like a queen.  He opens up, talks, calls just to ask how my day is going.  (I too stay home with 5 kids and homeschooling 3 of them).  I changed MYSELF and things took a dramatic turn and now all those years are totally worth it.  And his new attitude towards me has not faded for a year now, so I dont think its a phase.  It took alot of biting my tongue, enjoying sex when I didnt want to, doing nice things for him and basically just awakening the love we had in the beginning.  Dont get me wrong, I am still myself, but I had alot of negativity in me and he knows its from all he put me through, but now we are getting to know each other all over again. Now he says he loves even more now than when we were teenagers. (Yes, I married my high school sweetheart) When you let go of fantasies of a better life, and focus on LOVING your own husband- you will see dramatic change.  You dont owe your kids happiness with a different man, which they are not going to get, you owe them happiness with their daddy.  They will never be happier than with their mother and father together, you are fooling yourself, justifying your selfish wants and not using an objective view.  I know its hard, I know at times you hate your dh, but you can change it, why not give it one last TRUE shot.  Take a month break from the other guy, if hes so great he will go along with it.  Take that month to woo your hubby.  As any other normal mom, I am sure you would die for your kids, this is much much easier than that, and if you cant try for them.........
Avatar universal
wow.........Iv'e read the previous posts and agree with all of you...this is going to end badly....we can't predict the future but all I see is heartache, heartache, heartache! I think her DH is emotional abusive but if she needs to leave then leave on her own! No jumping into another relationship....this is a sure enough recipe for disaster! I really really hope she will listen and steer clear of this new guy...I smell a rat! Good luck to her she is going to need it!
159354 tn?1286371288
i think most (wives/husbands)have thought about leaving (even in the back of their mind).  heck i've only been married 3 yrs and wanted to leave once....lol

it's a natural reaction when things get bad.  it was after my first m/c too and i was so emotional and hormonal.  i didn't really want to leave but it's the easy thing to do.

and boy am i glad i blew up at dh and told him all i wanted to say...our marriage is so strong now.  i'm not scared to tell him how i'm feeling no matter what the cost because i know he isn't going anywhere.
Avatar universal
ps, i agree with deanne, marriage is commitment, and TRUE love is not the high at the beginning.  It is security in knowing that NO MATTER what, you are commited.  TRUE love is a choice.  Every day you have the choice to love your husband or not.  Make the right choice.  The bible talks about this subject alot, I wont bore you with the gory details but here are just a few points: (not direct quotes, just the points the bible makes)

*anything done in secret is NOT good, and will lead to more of the same

*Older women are to teach younger women how to love thier OWN husband (apparently we need to learn that it is just not natural, proving true love is not the feeling)

*strange women (or men) are the pathway to death.  Nothing good comes from cheating, read Proverbs chapters 5 & 7 and you will get a good description of this.

* Whoso commiteth adultry with a woman lacketh understanding: he that doeth it destroyeth his own soul  (dont destroy this new man's soul, even if he is great, he lacks understanding, your childrens' stepfather would be a fool.

and lastly
* The bible says the adultress brings death to her household.  Sad.  Death. not happiness.

Put your feelings on hold, bc no one can trust their heart, use your head.  Seek true knowledge.  God didnt say these things to hold us in bondage, He said these things, bc these words are true and wise, and if we would only listen, and practice, we would save ourselves alot of heartache, and DEATH.  I am not saying your children will die.  But something in each of you will die, and you can not get those things back.  Please seek wisdom and use your head.  Guilt is not meant to hold you back from great things, it holds you back from doing something foolish and deadly.  ***all this I typed in love even though I dont know you* ((HUGS))
159354 tn?1286371288
I feel so much for this woman because it reminds me of my mother but I think she is being foolish...just like my mother was and admitted to.

It's hard but I think we all could swallow this a lot easier if she had ended the marriage first or at least gave her dh a clue she wanted to end it.

Going from one guy to the next without a break for herself and her children will only destroy those kids.

Those kids talk to this other man and think it is a 'friend' of their mothers.  When the figure out the 'truth' they will feel betrayed by their mother and this 'man' and it wouldn't surprise me if they sided with their dad.

It's a sad situation.  All I know is she doesn't think there will be a custody fight....well when any man finds out that his wife wants to move his kids in with another man she met on the internet.

I don't know.  I talked to my dh about it last night and he said, as man who loves his kids and has pride in himself....it would never be that easy.
Avatar universal
I know.  I am not putting judgement on her, it is hard to stay in a situation like this, but adding a new guy will only make things worse.

Many times I wanted to leave, but there is the whole commitment thing, and I had to give it my best shot.  Icouldnt leave without knowing I gave my all, and with that commitment, I changed our marriage and lives around (by God's grace) by changing myself.  It turns out that commitment and determination to stay was exactly what my DH needed.  I dont want to get into his issues, but he had a fear of abandonment that manifested itself as a constant testing to actually try to prove his fear right by trying to make ppl leave him.  When I showed devotion to him like no other he responded with apologies, and action to back it up, and love like neither of us have ever known.   Divorce and untrustworthiness are everywhere, and it seems so easy (keyword "seems") to just run from everything, but it ends up hurting everyone, and it would be so much better to stick it out and fight for yor marriage.  The world will say "dont stay just for the kids" but God would not agree and you can find true peace and happiness in your own marriage.  She does not have peace about this other guy, it is obvious by her guilt.
Avatar universal
fight or flight, right?
I chose fight- but in a constructive way:)  Relationships are so much stronger when you stick it out through the really bad times.  We've been through everything a marriage can go through I think, and that was all before we were even married.  But this is the man I chose, and fell in love with, and this is the one I am going to fight for.  Totally worth it!

Marriage is really not for the faint of heart. lol...

It is hard work and strength, and determination, and annoyances, and grief.  But in the end I would love to hold my Husbands wrinkly old hand, and know what I paid to have it so.  
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