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Women's Health: Postpartum Community
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403788 tn?1237040812

sick of feeling angry(miscarriage)

How to deal with the anger and jelousey....

I recently lost my first pregnancy at 6/7 weeks (the day after xmas)  My husband and I planned the pregnancy so its been pretty hard to deal with.  On top of it a my best friend is 7 months pregnant.  I feel like a horrable person right now... she wants me to help her with the baby shower, but i cant seem to surpress these awful judgmental, mean feelings towards her.  I fuess im angry because this is her second chile with a second guy she hardly knows and i feel its unfair that my husband and i did everything right and here we are... I was just wondering if there was anyone going thru the same situation that could help me figure out how to get past this and be there for my friend.
16 Responses
252847 tn?1265663732
If you are having trouble dealing with this terrible loss have you considered speaking to a councillor? It is not your friends fault this happened... I understand you are feeling lost and in despair but it could be good for you to help your friend, take your mind of your loss. Maby take a run or exercise to help relieve your frustration??? It is natural to be angry, so let yourself be angry and try to find a way to release it without hurting anyone.

I am sorry for your loss... Try to stay positive and try again when you are ready.

Good luck and take care.

Monie
Avatar universal
I am so sorry for your loss! It doesnt matter if it's your first pregnancy or 3rd, you still feel the loss, hurt and jealousy! I had a miscarriage last May. There was also young lady at work whose pregnancy resulted from a ONE NIGHT STAND, she didnt want to be pregnant, openly said she wished she would have a miscarriage and there I was miscarring....it was horrible. I didnt understand why that was happening to me.  Luckily, I was able to get PG again right away and I hope that happens to you.
AS far as your friend goes, you need to explain to her that right now you are grieving and are unable to help her with her shower.  As much as you love and care for her, it's just too hard for you to deal with right now.  If she is truly your friend, she should understand.  If I had a friend in your situation, that's the first thing I would tell you...Dont worry about me, take care of YOU!
403788 tn?1237040812
Thank you for you reply... its good to hear from someone whos gone  thru the same type of situation and is doing so well.  I think your right, im just going to have to tell her im sorry but I just cant help her right now and hopefully she understands.

<3
373119 tn?1206937006
I have to echo Van73.  I just had a miscarriage at 13 weeks (baby had died at 10 weeks according to sono).  This pregnancy was a complete surprise.  DH and I already have 2 kids ages 10 and 7.  None of those circumstances mattered a bit, it was a huge blow to me and my family and I can totally understand why helping your friend with a baby shower isn't possible right now.  I have a hard time seeing any pregnant people and its been almost 3 weeks......Your hurt and anger are acceptable and, in the process of grieving this loss, the hurt will become less.

(((hugs))) to you.  I am sorry and hope that your friend can understand and not be upset with you.  

Here's to you getting pregnant again really soon!!!
Avatar universal
lil- you are so welcome! if you need anything, please feel free to send me a message on here!  I hope all goes well between you and your friend. =)

AlexandSamsMom, your situation sounds just like mine!!! We didnt know we wanted another baby til we had a miscarriage.  I hope that if you are wanting to get PG again, you get PG again right away as well. =)
Avatar universal
Those are normal feelings.  I had my m/c a year ago and still get them time to time.  And I agree, talk to you friend and just tell her what's going on. She should understand.  Hopefully, you'll become prego again soon. Best of luck **hugs**
Avatar universal
I was due at the same time as my SIL. I lost my pregnancy early on and she had a baby boy Dec. 2006. I had to deal with my feelings towards her because I felt angry and jealous and spiteful towards HER and it wasn't even her fault. I would literally get sick to my stomach when she said anything about her preg. (like when they found out the gender).

Fortunately for me, I got pregnant 2 months after my m/c and that really helped me with my emotions in that respect. But I began dealing with a whole new set of emotions: fear, worry, anxiety, etc.

I was worried about his birth because I was afraid I would flip out after seeing him, wondering the "What ifs" about the baby I lost. But I did just fine and was so proud to have a little nephew. I never look at him and think of what might have been. Mostly because I had a darling baby girl (my second) in March 2007 (just a few months after he was born---sorry if all the dates are confusing! Lost my baby in Ap. 2006, got preggo July 06  making me about four months behind in my pregnancy compared to my SIL).

Def. do as Van73 suggested! Your friend, if she is a true friend, should understand!!!
403788 tn?1237040812
Id just like to say thank you to all of you.. getting to talk to people who understand what im going through has made me feel so much better : )  I have been so up and down the past few weeks its making me crazy...  between getting blood work every week to watch my numbers go down and waiting for my stupid period to get here. its hard to talk to my friends/fam about it because they just dont understand and for the most part think im over dramatizing things by still feeling sad from time to time when i see a preg woman or a baby.  My husband has been wonderful and sweet trying to do everything he can to help... but its just not the same as talking to someone that knows where im coming from.
165078 tn?1255610007
I went through this 9 years ago.  I have since had a healthy baby but what you are feeling is normal.  I had a horrible time after my loss.  It was my first pregnancy so of course you think that you will never have a child.  Let me tell you that when you do get pregnant again you will be scared the entire time.  The only words that I remember making me feel a little at ease were (1in 5 pregnancies end in miscarriage).  I know it is a sad number but it made me feel like it was not me.  I am not sure why that number is so high and I wish someone out there would put research into it but it does happen that often.  I had to go to therapy after my loss and even today - I have an 8 month old but I still think about my other baby every single day.  You are a mommy who lost her baby.  When I lost mine my cousin got pregnant right after.  I was made the Godmother.  The showers and baby stuff all around me.  Horrible.  You do not understand someone's loss unless you have gone through it yourself.  I would never ask someone who just lost a baby to help with anything baby related - in fact I would let them know that I did not expect them to participate and give them time to grieve.  It does not mean you are not happy for your friend but it is just not an easy situation after your loss.  I would tell your friend you just are not ready to be around baby stuff.  She will understand.

Gosh, I am so sorry for your loss - I have that feeling in my gut for you right now - dont worry you will be fine just take this time to mourn your baby.

God Bless.
15480 tn?1302533402
I also had a miscarriage at 6 weeks and it was horrible. I would feel so angry when I would see other pregnant people. I know how bad the pain is. Thankfully I got pregnant right away again-I never even had another period and I got pregnant again. My daughter is now 9 months old. I was scared the whole entire pregnancy. Every time I would go to the bathroom I would check just to make sure.  I am so sorry for your loss and I hope and pray that the next time will be much better.
Avatar universal
First, I am sorry for your loss.  Your feelings are understandable and very appropriate and normal.  You really dont have to explain anything to anyone.  You should grieve and do it however it works for you, and I think everyone in your life should be understanding....  It doesnt always work that way, but it should.  

Hugs,
Lori
159354 tn?1286371288
I'm so sorry you are going through this.  I too lost a baby in 2006, actually I lost 3 babies in 2006 after a healthy pregnancy in 2004.

My anger at women who didn't appreciate the pregnancy was so intense.  The only shining light was I did have a daughter and knew it was possible for me....but losing one was so hard.  then 2, then 3 - it was like a nightmare.  by the 3rd loss I felt like I was watching a movie or someone else's life.

It's now 2008 and I finally have my 2nd child.  There is hope and I'm praying God blesses you.  I have a condition and had to be watched carefully in this last pregnancy but God still pulled me through.

It will get easier as time goes on but you will never forget.  I celebrate my child on their due dates and on the dates I lost them.  It helps....

Many blessings to you....
Avatar universal
I am going through the same situation.  I had a "chemical pregnancy" back in July.  A girl at work got pregnant the same time and she is now 8 months pregnant.  Then, I found out 3 weeks ago I was pregnant and to my surprise another girl at work found out she was pregnant too!!!  She's due 3 days before me!!  I was super happy as we're a little family at work (there's only 9 of us in the office) and I was excited to have someone to go through this with.  Unfortunately, I found out yesterday that I miscarried and I've taken a few days off of work to relax.  I'm scared to go back though.  I'm scared I'm going to have this horrible jealousy and hate towards her.  My husband wants to start trying again right away, hoping that that will heal the pain.  I'm not sure if it will though.  How would you deal with this?  Especially when you spend most of your day/week with them...
159354 tn?1286371288
Not sure if you read my post but I lost 3 babies between March 2006-October 2006.  It was horrible and the most challenging part was going to work and seeing all the pregnant happy people.

I pulled strength from God, I believe, but I also trusted a select few at work with my inner pain.  I needed the support.  I just couldn't handle the loss after loss.  

Also, this forum was my strength....these women are amazing.  I would smile at work and be happy for all the others, including close family members but here...I would vent.

This forum saved me...I could have easily turned bitter but these wonderful ladies gave me hope...and in October 2007 I finally had my miracle....his name is Jake.
Avatar universal
Thanks deanne11.  I pray ever day.  I just get so angry at people who "accidently" get pregnant and choose to abort or give up for adoption.  Or those who fool around with tons of men and "accidentally" get pregnant and are single (like the 8 month pregnant woman at my work).  She didn't want to be pregnant but had to accept her "mistake".  Which were her EXACT words!  And here I am, actually married and TRYING to get pregnant and I have to go through this.  I just don't get how things like this happen.
403788 tn?1237040812
Thanks so much for your posts... I cant even begin to imagin how hard it must be to have to work right next to someone preg in a small office like that.  I'm so sorry for you loss : (  hopefully everyone around you at work will be understanding of your feelings... but to be honest alot of people who have never been thru it just dont know how to handle it.  I work at a JoAnns craft store with LOTS of older women and many of them still think its like a taboo to talk about it if you miscarry so unintentionaly some of them have been less then nice to me about it, or people say things they think will make you feel better buts its just the opp.  I find its best to keep something that makes me smile in my head before i go to work (ex my husband,family) so I can keep my head up when i start to get sad.  Its hard to saty positive with all the mixed feelings of the loss and trying to be happy for someone preg. around you, but i just keep telling myself to remember that when the time is right it will happen for us and it will be all the more amazing and apreciated because we know weve been through a loss.  Best of luck with work and trying again : ) : ) it will happen for us when the time is right, hopefully that time is soon : )


**hugs**

Ive also found that when i feel the need to cry, just to let it out.  I feel so much better once I have.. at first i was trying to be strong and hold things in and it made me feel worse.  
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