10 years of marriage...need help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[maryheather]

Hey ladies!  My h. and I have been married for 10 yrs and I'm wondering..for those of you married, does something weird happen in your marriage around the 10 year mark?I'm 33 years old, so not yet "middle age".We were so in love for many years, and we were friends-now, though, everything is changing. My sex drive is GONE(I do have 2 kids, 9 &3)-and we just seem to be growing apart.And the arguing--ugh.I was just hoping someone out there has experienced something similar. Does something happen to us hormonally, or what? Also, we've always been very stable, but we seem to be going through this weird cycle of being "separate". I don't want to keep growing further apart, but I don't like the idea of living a life of complacency, either. I feel like I'm living with a roommate who pays all the bills and I'm in charge of housekeeping! Just thinking that maybe someone knows if strange things occur around the 10 year mark.  All advice welcome!!  MH

[Ruizspieces26]

Thank you guys so much for your posts! My husband and I will be married 10 years in July and seriously right now we are having a difficult time• Knowing we are not alone is helpful• Finding out that years 7 and 10 are the "hard ones" sheds light on year 7! I believe whole heartily in the commitment I made in our vows but boy is it trying at this point• Sometimes just knowing your not alone really is all the help you need• Thank you :)

[bdhughes]

Hello - I need some help - I really love my wife, we have been married 10 years.  Since we had the kids her attitude towards me has been very short tempered and at the time someone suggested she take medication - being British I stupidly said "we don't do that kind of thing" - mistake!
She puts me down in public, she has cut off all my pre-marriage friends.  She speaks only Spanish with her mother at the weekend - yes - we have a weekend place where her mother and new husband come EVERY weekend.
I have tried to stop her shouting at me or blaming me for the smallest things.
We have three beautiful kids (8, 6 girls, 3 boy).  My wife and I run so much business stuff - like I have a full time professional job, she is a Real Estate Broker and General Contractor and we own 32 properties, 23 homes and recently a 100 acre ranch.  She befriended the electrician at the ranch such that he is with my kids all summer and I was not allowed to go after work.  Clearly we need to simplify our life.  She filed divorce Aug 5th and we are trying to set up temp orders so she will agree to marriage counseling - I found this set of stories very interesting.  I really want to do my best to save our marriage and see if we can find the happiness we once had for a wonderful loving family.   I know I have to make major changes.  We do now have a full time nanny and I am trying to find a cleaner for the ranch so when we leave Sunday, my wife and mother-in-law are not cleaning all Sunday.
Any help guidance greatly appreciated.

[DamFeb14]

This is tough to sit back and see so many people with the same issue and no one can really put a finger on it.  I am in the midst with every post that I have read... I started a relationship with a young lady from high school we dated for about three years and then married. After two years had our first child and now we have a four year old.  Honestly, I love to talk but by the time I get home from work my lips are tight.  This comes from having no down time for me.  My souse has moved from two jobs to house wife.  While I appreciate knowing my daughter is safe my income is not substantial enough to provide the same level of support I could while in the military.  Men generally clam up when there is a problem they cannot solve and while it is a good idea to have a discussion to bounce ideas off each other if your significant other seems to be retreating a word of encouragement or an offer to help may actually push him further away.  We all deal with things differently but honestly no one with credit willingly does not pay.  Try to dwell on the things you loved about your mate during that lovey dovey period.  It is easy to walk away but the issues  that one failed to address in one relationship will be addressed in another.  I am not sure of your personal beliefs so I will put it like so....

The woman is generally given away by the father meaning that daddy's little girl is in someone's else hands to be cared for.  While as a man this is great because of course we are thinking cool a new friend.  Whatever the change is for either party if you as a daughter loved your spouse who cares for you like the father you left this conversation would be pointless.  Thus I am sure if this person saw you as his own daughter and the funds were available he would cover without argument...

Men are taught to stop crying and not to tell if there is pain so generally we die early due to stress... Women generally, talk to there friends or blog to get things off their chest.  

While I cannot say which is right or wrong I would dare say your spouse is hurt and because of that it may appear he does not have any concern as to your feelings.  Nature makes us care so we fight to hide those feelings because as a man we are not suppose to hurt... Or at least that is what we are taught.  

If YOU want your relationship to work treat your spouse like you do your best girlfriend or co-worker....You may raise you voice at either of these parties but we are inclined to still show respect to people we do not know.  Start there and try to think of all the little things that your spouse appreciated when you were dating.  

I too am struggling in my marriage and my seventh year is 9/1 and it is difficult but as a male we are looking for respect first no matter what .  Respect = Love in a mans eye.  so FYI the words I love you are little consolation to being shown respect.  I hope this is helpful and not just some rant.

[Ibby2012]

Hi I read the comments and good advice everyone gave sounds good I'm not sure how to put it in practice
I've been married for 9 years coming onto 10 soon
I have three beautiful girls age 1 and 2 and 4
I am completely full time mother and resent the fact I sometimes don't even get the chance to brush my teeth until 5pm not often but sometimes it's so hectic my husband thinks he plays his part but I don't think it's enough on top of that he controls the finances completely wants to control me and the children
They are young but he picks on the littlest thing why this is not don't and that is not done he uses them as an excuse to argue with me and keep me completely at home 7 days a week
I had an arranged marriage and it did not start off well at the beginnig with the in laws we had our many differences I still carried on because I thought he was a nice person
I lived with him and his family and the sister in law and family it was meant to be the Walton's one big happy family but I was the outsider because my other sister in law was his cousin
Anyway I got thrown out of their house I bought my own place and he came to me leaving me in a pedestal whilst he went to Pakistan to try some business ventures on his own eventually that did not work and he came back
He was a mummy's boy and they did not want him to have children they preferred me out.  I don't know why and how fate kept us together after 5 years I had a baby girl with a lot of persuasion
She was the best thing in both of our lives and bonded us a little more
I then decided to have another and found it very hard with the second pregnancy and a toddler isoon realized how hard it was.  Anyway I wanted her out quickly and just move on. I worked very hard in getting back in shape and in 12 weeks I lost 2.5 stones I was 8 stones 13 lb before I was 11 after pregnancy ur was really hard to do that but I worked out at home I needed to do it for my sanity
However fate playing with me I was pregnant with my third unbeknown to me I had straight after I was very sad
Three children  three and under is hard to look after he helped at the beginning and I lost my weight again I did my sanity work out
After that things got worse for us my inlaws interfered again they don't like me cis I'm independent they are like him forever trying to control us
If we went out y did u
Come home
Come and see us how can u eat out without them
U should we go out always wanting to know our every step
At one point it was even y was he spending time at home what ate u doing u should be spending tone with us
It's all there.

Money was and has always been an issue he is tight fisted bills are paid and mortgage he just started paying after 8 years because the house was in my name I paid it

Even after leaving my job as a solicitor when my first child was born I continued to work a little selling on internet sites to bring me small income I paid bills but when I was in hospital in labour those periods were hard and I would get in debt

I helped my husband out In trying to set up a business which didn't work out we bought a big commercial building and I borrowed a lot of money from lots of friends and family

150k all had to be paid back and we did it in 4 years I penny pinched I bought nothing and survived on pennies
I worked hard and paid each person off in turn
75k was owed to my mum which I could not pay back do I have her half the share of the building in the end he did not care to pay anyone off but I pushed him so much that he did do it but with lots of arguments
But the debts owes to people did not help our relationship either
Now we are almost debt free
The building is bringing rent three years later if 5k per term so we should be ok but we argue every two weeks urs like a pattern has been set
Plus I resent him so much now
Firstly I seen his true character as a person who he is with money then he still puts his family first my feelings don't count
I feel disrespected i frel after all I did for him he still does not value me
We are trapped financially and children
We both live them so much
Financially it's very sticky
I have continued to stick with him but the love has gone and he knows that I have said it to him
I dont want the children to be without farther
I don't want to trying them up on my own it's very hard
I don't want to jump into another relationship straightway I have three young girls it's very hard
I have no family support everyone is busy in their lives
I have no friends my husband made sure of that
I can live with him but I won't put up with any crap any more I want it in my terms which is causing major stress to him because he is not used to that
Can the spark come back
I wouldn't mind if it did
Can we survive?
Does anyone want to give me sound advice

[Help041912]

Life is to short to be always looking back and wishing and wondering if i would of.... But whatever you decide make sure you are ready for the consequences that come with otherwise dont do it. Because  you would look like a fool.

[Help041912]

WOW! im sock to see how many coubles out there are experiences the same think. I been married for 3yrs but i have been with my husband since i was 15 1/2. We had 3 children in the way a few business have not worked but we have always find a way to get back on our feet. However in the past year. I been having problems with his family mother sister brother he dosent have a father but a stepfather that acts like a child. Im ready to walk away from him because of his sister in pategiler. Shes got pregnant and had her baby shes 19yrs. And could it be jelouse i dont know i dont fell that way.However its refresh my mine on how horrible his mother and his stepfather tread me when i had my fist child. I was 18 by the way and they or my family didnt help me i was out in the cold like a dog. Because he didnt want to be a man so i had to figuer it out on my own for the first 1yr. He asked for forgiveness and i agred to make a life with him because of my daugther not because i was in love with him. But there was condisitions that he would work hard no more parting and no more friends or girls that he knew of.We moved away from the area we were raised and started fresh. Well eveything was fine I have done many good things for his family. Never for mine and know that hes sister needs it for some reason i refuse to give it to her. And this is making him have anger and see me different from what im really about. How can i make my marriage work if i dont want nothing to do with his family.

[Ctbaum]

I'm going through the same thing. Four kids coming into our tenth year. There are at least two times this year I know we stayed only because of the children.  We are Christisn and totally committed. It's just so hard. I don't talk to anyone for fear of alienating my husband from my family. And that leaves me feeling so alone. Marriage is work. It's a choice. This is something that I know. But I too want know if its normal to feel like the only way to make it through, is by making choice. Why does it feel like the caring and respect is gone. I know we have love. But is that enough?

[Perez10]

Ive been married 9 yrs and feel so alone in bed and in my own home I've been told to f off lots of times my wife is  so rude with her word I cry in side but I won't let her see it all I ask of her is to kiss me hug me and comfort me I work so hard for love but it never comes I  remember my moms love for me it was so real now it's just hate  toward me I don't now what I did wrong for her to  hate me so much ????? Can't stand it any more :( I love my baby boy and I will miss him when l leave her I need my balls back I feel weak before I met her I was strong confident even good looking what has happen to me ??

[akmtngirl]

I have been feeling really sad lately and I don't know what to do to make things better.  I feel like we are in a rut.  My husband and I have generally had a good relationship.  We love each other and have appreciated the qualities in each other.  We have had our ups and downs over the years and all, but lately, it feels like we aren't as close and things are more fragile than they have been.  

He is angered easily and more sensative than usual.  I feel like he would just get upset (and he does) if I really talk to him about how I feel.  If I do plan a date night, (which we haven't had in a while), he complains about spending the money and seems inconvienced.  We almost never have a deep meaningful conversation about us.  Every night he turns on the TV in our bedroom.  I hate that.  That time is the only time we have without the interuption of children.  If I try to talk about my day and ask about his, I am annoying him because he wants to "de-stress" and just watch Seinfeld or something.  Is it the job, me or both?

Sometimes I wonder why I am even here.  I feel like he doesn't need me except to take care of the house and kids.  He has a good job, but is always stressed out and working long hours.  I have this need for conversation and affection.  I try to ignore it and cater to his feelings.  I know he is a good man and he works so hard to support us.  It leaves me feeling so empty and lonely though.  I ache for closeness.  

Our 10th Wedding Anniversary is coming up in 3 weeks.  It's the first big milestone anniversary and we used to dream about how we would celebrate.  I really, really wanted it to be special and fun...a time just for us.  He used to be so romantic...especially when we were dating.  I am so hurt.  When I tried to talk about doing something special, like an overnight at a Bed & Breakfast, he got really angry, annoyed that I wanted to spend money.  I don't need anything expensive.  I just wanted to make this something really romantic and special.  The fact that he doesn't, hurts my heart so deeply.  It tells me it just isn't important to him.  He spends money on things that are important to him.  Am I being selfish?  Is it not a big deal?  Should I just get him a card and gift and not be upset?  What should I do?  I know he loves me, but how can we be close again?

[majormattmason]

I've been married for 11 years. I got married later than most at 37. All I can say is we have a wonderful relationship that changes, but gets closer. My wife can be a total wingnut at times, but I just give her space and hope she forgives me for my shortcomings. You HAVE to embrace changes in a marriage.You need to do a lot more than "date night" to keep a marriage solid. You need to share leisure activities, especially those that involve some kind of challenges that you jointly overcome. And, oh yeah, DON'T GET FAT. Exercise every day and don't be a freaking baby about it. If you feel good about yourself, people are attracted to you, especially your spouse. You better have a seriously good reason not to exercise, so go do it now.

[rougie]

It's hard for women to make the decision to leave. I find myself going back and forth all the time. I'm 31 and will be married 10 years next month. We've been through so much already that I am constantly debating on whether I want another 10 years like this. On most days the answer is no. I am on a never ending roller coaster ride. We fight all the time, mostly in front of the kids. I just get so angry and I'm so fed up with him. I don't know if I like him anymore. I just would feel rotten to leave him because I can't work it out. He's a nice guy  but he just doesn't have it together. He's very sloppy, has no standards, quick to anger, curses a lot, is financially irresponsible... I just don't like his overall behavior. I am constantly dissapointed in him. He doesnt drink or cheat or is abusive but all I know is that he had a very difficult childhood that probably did this to him. Unfortunately we got married when we were both really young and in school so I had no idea what real life would be like with him. I am constantly feeling out of control and we are not on the same page when it comes to mostly anything. We don't agree on anything from the kids to money to just plain life and living! It's so hard...we don't want to rock the boat but we so desperately want to jump ship!!! Help!

[painless277]

I am 37 , and today is our 15 year of marriage, I can say that you are somehow still lucky, for my 15 years of being married, never in my life we celebrated our anniversary, there's also a point in our marriage that he cheated on me, while pregnant to our 3rd child, ( we had 4 children now),that I don't know how it happened. Love come in and out maybe because love prevails in me, I love him this much that i saty with this relatonship until now, but sometime, when hearing this kind of stories, I somehow pitty myself for some of you guys have a ahppy and successful marriage, I think now what I am working is for my children instead, I know that it is stupid to stick together becasue of the children but I just dont know to myself, that I can still manage all this things, my husband seems to be someone who stay with me because he has too, I don;t know also if I can manage to do it myself alone raising my kids, I'm just afraid of how people might think, how my children would feel, having a broken family...this is STUPID & CRAZY...I know...but this is how I am feeling now, I tend to say to myself that this is enopugh and this should stop now, but afarid of the circumstances...please help me...

[siasil]

I am married for 12 years, and recently went through that 10 year mark. My wife an I separated for a few months with a destination of divorce. We were going to marriage counseling throughout the separation, and it did help. Here are my suggestions on surviving. Some of it is my advice, some came from the counselor.

1. Make a date night. Its more important than most men think! It bring the woman back to feeling important. They feel equal to your job, not in competition with it! We used to say we couldn't afford to go out, now we say we cannot afford not to! It made the most difference!

2. Keep talking! I was told this when we got married, and I never forgot it. When you quit talking, its the beginning of the end! Its not the end, because you can always start talking again!

3. When you fight, its okay. Fighting is normal, unless your fighting to win! Avoid negative atacks on the other person! Its the #1 reason marriages fail! Say things like "I hear you saying..." or "I'm feeling ...", Not something like "You are..." or "I hate it when.." as those are not going to do anything positive for your future!

4. Try the book "101 Nights of Great Romance" by Laura Corn. Each person picks a romance and plans it for the week. They are fun and addicitive! Used in combination with a date night, they can be extreemly effective if both people try to do one every week or two. Wife and I would alternate!

5. Finally - "Love is a choice!", We are all raised to believe that when you feel something for another person, and when you no longer feel that way, the love is gone! This is such a fallacy! A perfect example is indian marriages. They are not based on the feelign of love, instead the two learn to find things they love about the other. This is a choice, not a feeling. Every day I get up and choose to love my wife. Some days are harder than others. When we were first dating, we did lots of things for each other. After we got married, much if not all of that stopped. It should not! If your not chasing, romancing, and loving your partner, then someone else will!

Best wishes to all of you!
Nick & Tammy

[sunbeam1976]

I've never been in ur situation but I am sorry that ur going thru this. I know ur probably hoping and maybe praying he stops and loves u like he should. I do not like hearing stories like urs because some men can be so evil, hateful and selfish that they could treat the person that loves them that way. He has to have low self-esteem and othere things going on with him.
HE'S GOING TO DO EVERYTHING POSSIBLE TO STOP U FROM OBTAINING UR EDUCATION BECAUSE HE WANTS U TO DEPEND ON HIM. - DONT LET HIM TRAP U- LEAVE- But if u r thinking about how him - then STOP WORRYING ABOUT HOW HE'S GONNA FEEL IF U LEAVE HIM- Time to make u and ur kids priorty. U should be thinking about U AND UR KIDS SAFETY- 1ST. It's easy 4 me to say leave now when he's away because i'm not in ur situation but in all actuality u've been taking his crap way 2 long. U will need to leave that home.-U AND UR KIDS will need to leave because that enviorment is not safe. (He should never physically or emotionally abuse u. Nothing u've done or will do/ can or hve said-should cause that. He's the one with the problem) U dont know if the next hit will be directed at ur kids or not. U dont want to take that chance.---

U can call the police - this will get very nasty when he finds out and he will get just what he's asking for because he should keep his hands to himself and they reason he may be so bold with doing it- is because he's getting away with it. See if they can give u a number to a WOMENS SHELTER- or CALL A LOCAL CHURCH IN AREA AND ASK IF THEY COULD GIVE U SOME INFORMATION- U MAY NOT EVEN WANT THEM TO KNOW ANY INFORMATION ABOUT U UNLESS THEY'RE SURE THEY CAN HELP U escape from the abuser.  Look thru ur phone book when the abuser is not there. Make sure you have pleanty of time. Pack and go! Pack as few and most important things as possible and come back for the rest or u may not even want to come back for them.


do u have transportation? If not call a cab or even call the cops to escort u out of that house. I dont know what they can and cannot do. Does he have full control over ur finances? If not plan and use that money for ur advantage in escaping him- soon. Contact ur instructors and let them know briefly that ur going thru - a horrible situation at home and if they can give u some time -away from ur studies- extention until u get ur end more stable- or out of that house. I know u love ur kids and want what's best 4 them. They will be in a better place away from him cuz if he really love u all - he would show it. I really wish i could be more help to u- i'm gonna pray that everything works out 4 ur good. Hate theres nothing more i can do to help u. keep ur head up and try to think positive about ur outcome- because he will really get crazy when u confront him in any kind of way. with or away from him. I just couldnt leave  without trying to help- take care of urself and ur kids... best wishes and my heart goes out 2 u.

[VKara]

Today it is the 10th anniversary of our marriage as well. Unfortunately. I say unfortunately because I should have never stayed with this horrible, violent person this long. We have two kids and he has two more from his previous marriage. I am now pregnant again and he stopped talking to me for being pregnant. Apparently he does not want this baby yet he is not prepared to take any precautions either. He is already informed that due to the hormonal balance that I am suffering I did not want to take the pill, plus, I never said I did not want another baby either. So yes, since he learnt that I am pregnant he stopped talking to me and he is constantly shouting at the kids. Admitedly I dont feel anything towards him and hence, our sex life is mainly down the drain as well. I dont chase him for sex and that is his big problem. He constantly abuses me emotionally and physically. There has been times when he physicaly tried to restrain me and do what he wanted to me in bed. Or times when he hit me because I did not want to have sex with him. Two nights after this baby was conceived was a night when he hit me for not going to bed early to have sex with him as well. I had not said no but I was doing my work and I was late. I was not aware that he was lying in bed waiting and he felt it was ok to come and start a big fight and hit me for it. I am trying to save myself and my children from this mess. I am trying to finish my degree which will enable me to earn a living and take this kids out of this violent house. My elder one seems to be getting affected by it. I only have months left to finish. I can tell you I cannot wait! I am from a different country than my husband. I know I will face problems regarding taking kids there but I cannot stay here on my own. I am finding the life here very depressing. I dont know a single person because the more he abused me the more I tried to study not wasting a minute to save myself and my kids. I cannot decide whether to go ahead with this pregnancy. I love my kids although I hate their father. I am 37 at the moment. I am very confused and I am feeling deeply sad that it is ten years and I am still with him. I need to get out and I need to get out really fast. I wish I had never married him.

[debbiesweep]

I am in the same boat! I have been married for 10 years and have a 19yr old (previous marriage) and a 9 yr old. My husband is a recovering alcoholic and that put a HUGE damper on our marriage from the 4th year when he started drinking until about the 7th when he stopped. While I am happy he stopped drinking - it seems some of my feelings died during that time. I still love him but I don't like him as much. Our sex life has dwindled(which he constantly reminds me of) and I seem to get on his nerves. I just want things to go back they way they were. I don't want to look at him and be disappointed and I don't want him to look at me and be frustrated.
He had a fund raiser event for his work on Saturday. Said he would be home around 10. Called at 10 to say he was staying a little longer didn't come home until 4:30. I had called the Police and hospitals for hours. He came home admitted that he had had too much to drink and didn't want to drive so he fell asleep in the car. His phone was on silent. This is part of the problem - I just don't trust him anymore and I have to admit I have lost respect for him. I love him and I want things to be good again but I'm not sure how do that. He usually pulls a huge pity trip and that doesn't help either. How can I tune out the things I don't like and just love him and how can I get him to do the same.

[Minxey]

Ok I have to say this if you fell anywhere and at anytime and your husband does not respond with concern (especially if you are holding your baby!!) and doesn't give u help up, than he has got some major issues. A MAN takes care of his family that is his job just as it is your job to take care of your family. It is a two way street, if he is making you feel guilty cause he doesn't think you are making enough money then maybe he should pick up the slack and be thankful for what you do do! The flower's, thats a hard one, some men dont see how much it really means to a woman to bring her flowers to show her how much she means to him so thats kinda common. I have been together with my husband for 8 years and he has brought me flowers twice. Both times were random but they were very informative, it told me he cared and was thinking about me but two times in 8 years..... I'm thankful for what I get LOL!

In regards to the church people, remember they are only seeing the person he wants them to see not the person he shows you. You should make your own choices but just think if he is going to treat you that way what kind of example would he be setting for your child? Would your child see that as an acceptable behavior and treat others that way? Or would he treat your child that way as well?

I'm not trying to preach or anything but comming from a family where my father was emotionally and physically abusive (especially to my mom) its hard to hear and see of others being abused and not say something. There is no reason in the world to stay with a person who does not treat you with respect and considers you a burden. Sometimes you gotta cut your losses and strive for a brighter future.  I did.

[rla2000]

Hello, I've married for 10 yrs but for the past year we don't sleep together; unless we want to have sex.  But, we can go for weeks even months without sex.  At the beginning I was sad, but I don't care much anymore.  I try to have dates, go to movies, dinner but it just doesn't  work.  He is too tired, and fall asleep.  At church people always tell me howso lucky I am to have a nice husband.  But, he's cold doesn't buy me flowers. Once I felt at the grocery store with the our baby and he said "are you sick! now you are going to complaint about being in pain"  He's very responsable and pay all the bills  with an grumpy attitide.  But, I feel that i depend on him for money what I make is not enough.

[desperate32]

It is such a relief to see others in my same situation. I am 32 and have been married for 10 years. I love my husband, but we just don't seem to get along much any more. We too, are constantly bickering and started taking jabs at each other more frequently. We have a 20 month old daughter who is the light of our life, but it seems like we just coexist as friends who pay the bills and raise our daughter together. I feel like we have lost the spark that kept the marriage exciting. I told my husband I was bored and he agreed, but stated he still loves me too.We've been feeling this way for a while, but things have gotten complicated because I have found myself attracted to another man (co-worker). He is married with children and I would never want to get in the way of someone's family, but I think of him often and find myself comparing him to my husband. I feel this is killing my marriage. Our sex-life has dwindled down although we do try to have one, and have discussed date nights, but it seems that we are so busy with other things that when we do go out, it is with other friends or family. Any suggestions?

[JoAnnaRF]

Sorry you post went unanswered for so long. It's way down here at the bottom and well, I just wanted you to know that while you are feeling ignored at home, people don't mean to ignore you here as well.
I suggest that you ask him point blank questions. About whatever the topic of conversation is.. I wouldn't say to ask him how he is "feeling" becasue men are just a totally different species from women and don't know how to answer that question. You ask "how are you "feeling"" and they are thinking... Um I FEEL hungry, or I FEEL like watching football. LOL
But you can try asking him how he thinks the two of you should handle whatever the "thing" on the table is.. You should also tell him how his silence bothers you. Ask him WHY is he like that? And if you are still not satisfied then you can suggest to him that you two seek relationship counseling. Heck the idea of that may even get him to talking just to avoid a prefessional. Men often try to find the easy way out and talking to you is easier than talking to a counselor.
Relationships last and are stronger when there is open communication. Without is, I just can't imagine.. But if you are sitting there telling him what is on his mind and he NEVER tell you when you are doing somehting that may bother him or annoy him or whatever then it is like being deceptive. No one is perfect and there have to be things that he would like to say and you NEED to hear. You can't grow together if you don't know what to work on. You can't get blood from a stone and you can't force him to talk, but let him know what his silence is doing to you. Maybe he will open up. I sure hope this helps and that the two of you are able to work this all out. Again, sorry it took so long to respond, just didn't see you down here.
--J

[ShannieK]

What do you do with the guy that doesn't talk at all, I really wish I knew.  All the advice and such on here is fantastic, but what about that one special man out there, is totally quiet.  Things come up that concern me or hurt me or anything, I talk about it to him, and he sits there and listens to me.  Never with a comment or anything.  Don't get me wrong, I believe he is listening, I don't think it's a matter of him just blindly staring at me, and spacing off.  But he never thinks to say anything.  He is so scared off by confrontation of any kind, no matter how I make it sound.  But I can't just continue to ignore everything in life, just cause he doesn't like to discuss anything, can I?  Sometimes, it even makes it worse, and I am positive you ladies on here, know exactly where i'm coming from.  We talk to our partner, becuase we are needing reassurance or something, a comment that shows us that we don't need to be insecure or that everything is ok.  But when he jsut sits there, than you feel really bad.  I do not believe he is an insensitive man, and I believe he loves me, but he won't talk for anything.  In fact, i can bring something up, talk about for a half an hour, he jsut sits there, and than when he does say  something, it is completley a different subject.  I think with his past and family and how he was raised, he developed a fear of confrontation, and has taught himself to ignore it, in orger to get through it or something, but he is not understanding that it is making it really hard on me.  It's almost like he doesn't even know how to communicate.  What do I do?  When everything is going fine, you can't shut him up.  If I get upset over something and need to talk, it's like he is scared, and won't say a word.  Please help.

[JoAnnaRF]

I hope it works out for you sportsfan! I just wanted to add that kids would rather "Come from a broken home" than to "Live in a broken home". Staying for the sake of the kids is a HUGE mistake! It's dishonest and kids are a lot smarter than given credit for.
--J

[sportsfan83]

My 40 year old wife of 18 years has decided to file for divorce because she feels our marrage has lost it's romance and passion. She believes we've grown apart and might find more happiness with someone else. I had no idea the divorce papes were coming but after reading the responses I see we probably are where most of these families are. We have 3 kids that are involved in different activities and takes us in 3 different directions at once. When we are home there's no time for just the 2 of us. I believe that's why we she feels this way since we don't have free time for eachother. She feels we just coexist in the same house. Since our oldest is 16 and can drive I decided it's time for my wife and I to start "dating" again. We have done this for a month now (going to the movies and bowling) but she says she feels for like we're going out with a friend and not "lover". She has agreed to go to marrage counselling to see if it will help. I hope it will for the sake of our 3 kids and the 18 years we put into our life it helps. I love her just as much as the day I wed her and don't want a divorce.

[SouthernGirl]

In response to Dundee especially, sometimes you have to know when to say when.  For 5 years I have considered leaving my husband and for 5 years he has always manipulated and made me feel guilty enough to stay.  While the idea of staying together for the kids is a noble one, sometimes it is actually better for them.  Do you want your children growing up in a marriage where there is no love?  For those of you that live with your men just for the kids, do you want the kids to grow up thinking this is how married life is?  I do not.  I want my kids to grow up in a household where love is abundant.  I want them to see how wonderful life is when you have married a man that respects and loves his wife.  People change and sometimes need to move on.  Don't short change the  kids.  There are plenty of men out there who will you and respect you they way that you should be loved.  i have been married for almost 20 years, am in my forties and have 2 children.  Their father has never hit them, but the emotional abuse has left scars on all of us.  I have found a man that treats me how a woman shoould be treated, who loves and respects  me.  It is not too late for my children to learn that this is how a relationship should be.  The divorce I am seeking is not only for me but also for them.