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Avatar universal

Boyfriend can't keep erection during intercourse. What do I do? How do I talk to him about it?

I'm having sex with a 23 year old guy.I really like him and we seem to have great chemistry.The only issue we have is that he has a major problem maintaining an erection during intercourse and/or oral sex and he has NEVER ejaculated in the very many times that we have been intimate.I am more successful at keeping it hard during oral sex but still no ejaculation.After the erection goes away, he still acts and seems very much aroused and wants me to continue stimulating him but there is no erection and it takes A LOT to get the erection to come back. Sometimes it just won't come back and then I give up.One other thing that I have noticed that is different in him than in other men I've slept with is that he has a somewhat painful look on his face during intercourse and arousal and I'm unsure if it is just a weird "O" face or what. Plus I have to be on top almost 90% of the time.I can tell he has somewhat low self confidence which make me think that I'm not the only one this has happened with and also I am slow to bring the subject up to talk to him about because he avoids my question. I've tried asking him what he likes me to do and he either doesn't respond or his response is simply "whatever you do is great". During the moment of "failure" when he looses his erection I try my best to act like its no big deal and help boost his confidence but I can't help thinking that I could possibly be the problem and it hurts my confidence as well.
94 Responses
Avatar universal
sounds like you are taking the correct approuch by trying to talk to him. How long have you been together, if  not very long maybe it is a confidence thing.  My exboyfriend had a similar problem but after about 6 months he pulled right out of it.  I know it would be difficult but did you ever thing of a male enhancing product?
Avatar universal
I am Married, and my husband and I have experienced this from time to time..In general we have no problems..Here are a few instances where he has been affected: After we have a baby, I was breastfeeding and could not be on the pill, so we had to use condoms...my husband had a very hard time with this...it seems the condom had an effect on his feeling down there, and he could get an erection no problem, but than lose it during sex...I would often be irritated and upset thinking I had something to do with it (btw, my husband was 23 at the time as well)...So eventually I went back on the pill, and we no longer needed condoms.that problem was solved...Until we started to try to concieve our second child ..I was pressuring him so to do "it" all the time and when I ovulated, that we started to have erection issues again...He couldn't deal with the pressure and stress, he felt like it was all on his shoulders to get me pregnant..I was so upset, because after this would happen, I felt like my chance had passed and I wasn't going to get preg this month, But I would try to act like I wasn't upset in bed and would try everything to make it happen for him, even all those uncomfortable positions he liked..It still wouldn't happen..I was often frustrated, upset, and felt like it was my fault, i felt responsible...The point of all this is, once I sat down with my husband and talked, he let me know about the stress he was feeling and how this was effecting him in bed...So there was physically nothing wrong wih "him'', he just couldn't perform under pressure, and once it happened, It had a snowball effect, he was constantly thinking about what happened last time and was afraid it would happen again..So in your case, Is our bf under a lot of pressure, from work, school,ect, or is he under a lot of stress to perform?? This could be effecting him..if he is uptight and always thinking about or afraid that it might happen again, this could definately be affecting him. The best thing to do would be to talk it out, figure out what is going in in his head...Once my husband and I did this, we started having the best sex of our lives!! Good luck to you and I hope for the best!
164559 tn?1233711618
I think he needs to see a doc and have a thorough check up.
Avatar universal
I think a consult with a Urologist would be helpful.
Avatar universal
i am 18 and dating another 18 year old. when we starting dating it was great and we slowly progressed through basis. then about 8 months ago we started having sex. the first time was funny as i expected but the second time was great. didn't use a condom the first to times but then decieded it was safer (duh). and thats when the problems started. during the nest 4 times after penetration i struggled to keep my erection for very long. but i assumed this was down to confidence, then after about 2 weeks we managed it fine. I thought the problems were behind us but then about  6 months ago we went on a break from sex for about 4 weeks and since then i have not preformed. At first i tried to ignore it blaming it on condoms being to tight (which they are but dont think that is only reason). recently e have started talking about it and she wants to know what she can do to help. i have tried asking her to put on condom but she couldn't do it in time and now i have hinted that she go on pill but does anyone have any better advice.
Avatar universal
I recently separated from my wife of 4 years, because she decided she didnt want a family.... I eventually started seeing a totally gorgeous, younger little angel who helped me through the rough patch.  She told me early on that she was a virgin, I saw this a a responsibility, not having ever been with a virgin, but we managed just fine and it was great.  Although our antics arent as wild as I have been used to, she really turns me on and I really like her.  Problem is that I am having trouble maintaining an erection.  I tried pills but found them touch and go and got headaches, she even sugggested we watch porn together, which we did , but still no joy.  She is being cool about it, as I am still able to satisfy her orally..... but I don't want her to feel bad for my problem!  I am 36, she is 24.  help anyone?
Avatar universal
I have been with my boyfriend for 10 months and two weeks ago he showed me a side of him that I have never seen before (he was very angry, depressed, and stressed because of college). I have graduated and I am looking for a job to start my independent life and he is still in school at 26 years of age (I am 23). We made up since then but every time we are intimate (usually it is him who wants to get it on) he loses his erection after a few moments after penetration. I am on birth control (depo shot) and we don't use condoms. This has happened before at the beginning months of our relationship but it got better as he got to know me more. Anyway, I wonder if this time he is just not into me any more or that he has other issues about school and life. He has been a little distant lately and doesn't want to hold me or cuddle as much.

P.S. He has taken me for granted by showing up late or making me wait for him.


Avatar universal
I am 20 and my boyfriend is in his 30's. He doesnt smoke cigs but sometimes a hooka and he does drink occasionaly. I do not consider myself to be an ugly girl or a prude in the bedroom, and I try my best to try new things and wear things that will keep him interested. However the last few weeks when we have intercorse he cant seem to keep hard the entire time. Even when giving oral I notice I have to work extra hard to keep him hard. He always "finishes" at the end but the process getting there is becomming more and more unsatisfying for me. I dont offically live with him but I am at his house almost all of the time. I am starting to become more and more worried that he is either bored with sleeping with me, or he is cheating on me. I dont know what to do and I am stressing out about our relationship. We have been together almost 8 or 9 months. i need suggestions or help
Avatar universal
I know a few months have passed, but I hope you and your boyfriend have worked things out. Otherwise, let me give my advice:

It's not you, it's him. He's become stuck in a mental "catch 22" where he wants to have sex, in his head, but his body doesn't want to commit to doing it.  This is because he probably trained his body to respond sexually mostly in short bursts in solo situtations.  He may be overstimulated with the thousands of sexual images he recieves a day from society and is sexually exhausted.  

The cure is to detox from sex ALL together for about 4-weeks. During that time, only do things like go to movies, visit family and friends.  No pornos, strip clubs, raunchy movies, etc.

As far as physical affection: hug but no heavy pettting and definitely, don't sleep together.

After about 2-weeks, beginning passionate kissing but no touching genitals.  Instead, focus on training the entire body to feel "thrills" for a long time - as this is what he has lost.  Play with each others different body parts while playing your favorite love music.  Just don't allow him to break your agreement because it is in HIS best interest.  

By the 4th week, I'd expect you to have broken the agreement which is what should happen. : )
Avatar universal
I have only had success with condoms a few times. The problem that I have though, is that when I do not use a condom I struggle to avoid ejaculating early. As soon as I put the thing on, I can start to feel "my man" falling asleep until he is normal size. This happens no matter what sexual act i am doing, or who I am with, size or type of condom (i have tried sooooooooooo many) and has effected me for my whole sexually active life. I don't feel that I should pop a pill to keep me artificially stimulated, as I am very stimulated but can't maintain. i was married for 7 years, and even with someone I was totally comfortable with, there was nothing she or i could do.
For the ladys reading, trust me, it is not your fault. The only thing I have found that worked for me (although confronting for the lady), would for both of you to get STD/STI checks before trying without the condom. There are many contraceptive options available which may ease this option also.
I have been humiliated a number of times because I couldn't perform, and I almost psych myself out now when the time comes to put the rubber back on. Very difficult for me to break this issue to them, and definitely effects my sex life.
Avatar universal
i have been with my gf for about 2 months but now every time we try to have sex i cant keep my erection. I am fune untill the point of penertration but then i just cant seem to get it back up. i am 17 and she is 18 we dont use condoms as she is on the pill. we havent tryed talking about it and just try and avoid the subject.I am under alot of stress from work and from college and dont know if that could be the problem.

have never had a problem like this before (she is my first time tho could that be some thing to do with it)
Avatar universal
My fiance had this problem when we first started having sex..... He use to masturbate at least 3 times a day. Then when we got together, he had other things on his mind since he hadn't had sex for about 10 months. We tried to have sex but he couldn't ejaculate. After a while of him feeling bad about himself... and just waiting and not trying often... he could preform with out any problem. Sometimes (rarely) he can't get hard but that is usually when he is very tired. Now we have no problems, But I learned that the main issue was that he was afraid of getting me pregnant... We will be married soon so he no longer worries about it! Try taking a break from sex and see if it helps! Btw I was 18 and he was 24, now I am 19 and he is 25.
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