Aa
Boyfriend can't keep erection during intercourse. What do I do? How do I talk to him about it?
I'm having sex with a 23 year old guy.I really like him and we seem to have great chemistry.The only issue we have is that he has a major problem maintaining an erection during intercourse and/or oral sex and he has NEVER ejaculated in the very many times that we have been intimate.I am more successful at keeping it hard during oral sex but still no ejaculation.After the erection goes away, he still acts and seems very much aroused and wants me to continue stimulating him but there is no erection and it takes A LOT to get the erection to come back. Sometimes it just won't come back and then I give up.One other thing that I have noticed that is different in him than in other men I've slept with is that he has a somewhat painful look on his face during intercourse and arousal and I'm unsure if it is just a weird "O" face or what. Plus I have to be on top almost 90% of the time.I can tell he has somewhat low self confidence which make me think that I'm not the only one this has happened with and also I am slow to bring the subject up to talk to him about because he avoids my question. I've tried asking him what he likes me to do and he either doesn't respond or his response is simply "whatever you do is great". During the moment of "failure" when he looses his erection I try my best to act like its no big deal and help boost his confidence but I can't help thinking that I could possibly be the problem and it hurts my confidence as well.
First reason:when guys jerk off a LOT (like me 3-5 times a day) it cuz serious mental problems (from my experience)
Second reason: I tried to stay Hard by washing my pe..s with a cold shower. It helped me only during 3 weeks. after besides of eraction problems I began to get and pee problems. Any way, STOP JERKING OFF or you will never stay hard and TRUST IT EXTREMELY DRIVES GIRLS CRAZY IF U *** OF DON'T STAY HARD DURING THE SEX.
Second reason: I tried to stay Hard by washing my pe..s with a cold shower. It helped me only during 3 weeks. after besides of eraction problems I began to get and pee problems. Any way, STOP JERKING OFF or you will never stay hard and TRUST IT EXTREMELY DRIVES GIRLS CRAZY IF U *** OF DON'T STAY HARD DURING THE SEX.
I'm 26 years old and also can't usually maintain an erection during sex. I can get an erection with intimate contact (kissing, touching, and foreplay, and oral) but cannot maintain it during full intercourse. The blame for this problem lies in many different places but blame only helps prevention, not recovery.
I believe the majority of my specific problem is due to trained behaviors/habits, psychological problems (stresses), and is not due to ED. I had my long-term girlfriend check my penis while I was sleeping several times and she said I held an erections easy for 30+ minutes while sleeping. Holding an erection while you're asleep is supposedly one good way to determine if it's erectile dysfunction or not. If while you're asleep you have an erection and maintain it, then there are probably some other factors causing the problem.
Here are the lifestyle changes I'm adopting first instead of resorting to the pill. Some of these items may be useful to other people. I'm not saying it's easy (it *****, a lot) but in the long run I feel it will pay off. The other option (a frustrating sex life) is worse than everything below combined, trust me:
1. Porn. I'm reducing the amount of porn I watch and only watching videos that are realistic now. These videos are shot from angles that guys can actually see while having sex. I found a personal trend towards certain angles you can't really see while having sex in the porn I liked to watched. I believe cutting porn out entirely is probably a bad move though I now masturbate 2 or so times a week without porn. Linking a familiar visual stimulation, I think, should ultimately help during real sex. Also, I'm not watching the same videos over and over every time as 'go-to-videos.' I have a feeling I've trained myself to ejaculate to certain videos so mix it up!
2. Masturbation frequency. The porn reduction is primarily due to masturbation reduction. I was masturbating way too much (2-3 times a day). I've cut back to once 4-6 times a week now (hey, it's progress!) and intend to get down to 3-4 times a week. I will not cut out masturbation entirely since it is actually good for your prostate health and as a stress reducer.
3. Masturbation technique.
a) Speed. I was moving my hand way too fast in an almost jack-rabbit like motion. I don't care how much cardio you do, this motion is not possible to replicate in real life by thrusting, even with two people, especially not for an extended time. I'm now stroking much slower and trying to match a reasonable speed I can maintain thrusting motion with bursts and still achieve orgasm.
b) Grip. I was holding me penis too tightly and in a fashion that was difficult for someone else to replicate with a hand, nor less a vagina. I am now using a much looser hold that feels similar to a vagina. I don't always achieve orgasm but this is slowly changing with continued practice. I also purchased a masturbation sleeve (rubber tube) to use as well which to me, feels like the real thing once you add lube. I occasionally hold it stationary and thrust with my body instead of using my hands. This forces me to find the appropriate speed and the relevant sensation for that speed. It's difficult but I can now orgasm this way within 20 minutes (instead of the 100+ minutes it initially took).
c) Friction. Lube, lube, lots and lots of lube. Before I used to use a little spit or sometimes even do it dry. Terrible terrible idea, I can't say this enough. This can desensitize your penis over time and you won't even realize it (it doesn't hurt at all). I do not allow myself to ever masturbate without lube anymore. The wet feeling is also much more realistic than spit.
d) Timing. I do not masturbate to morning wood anymore. Orgasm is far too easy and is around the peak of your testosterone cycle. I have moved my times to mid-late days when it's more likely I'll have sex. I figure in the future, if a nice morning after follows, it shouldn't be a problem ;)
e) Focus. I'm moving the focus away from orgasm to pleasure and putting less focus on the head and more to the entire penis. I had only been stroking mainly the head but now I'm including the entire penis shaft, sometimes even avoiding the head all together. I figure less contact will make it even more sensitive over time, allowing the tissue to soften up some.
f) Condoms. I've been occasionally using condoms when I masturbate with my hand or the sleeve. It might seem stupid (and yes, somewhat expensive) since it's not the intended purpose but I'd been having sex with my gf without condoms due to the pill plus my erection problem (removing condoms from the picture helped a lot, but didn't do it all). Condoms reduce the sensation and force me to focus on other aspects going on, helping me increase my ability to orgasm. At first, it took over an hour to ejaculate with a condom, now I can do it in around 25 minutes without falling into my old habits.
3. Exercise. I've been exercising more for multiple reasons, but to increase my overall stamina and blood flood for sex/erection, I've been jogging/running and I've been able to move from ~1 mile to 4-5 miles in 30-40 minutes 3-4 times a week. I've found that the more cardio I can endure, the longer I can last when thrusting my masturbation sleeve and the stronger my erection is (though other stuff is also contributing I'm sure).
4. Boxers. I got in a habit of sleeping naked. It turns out my sheets are slightly rougher than my boxers. Also, moving around in the bed gives me frequent unneeded stimulation every night whereas in boxers, additional sensation due to motion is reduced. I'm also buying more silky/smooth boxers to help speed the process up for the time being. I intend on slowly moving back to smooth cotton once the issue is manageable.
5. Creams. I have been using a light dermatological recommended moisturizing cream designed for other sensitive skin areas and I recently started applying some to my penis, especially the head. The cream is designed to keep sensitive skin from drying and also soften the skin, increasing sensitivity over time. I actually was prescribed this for a different reason but I count making me aware of this cream as fate. It seems to be helping.
There are other factors that are more difficult to control and adapt to which are psychological.
*When having sex, I worry about performance due to past failures and as others have said, this snowballs.
*You also worry making your girl feel self-conscience thinking it's their appearance (when it's probably not!).
*Other problems are focusing on achieving orgasm for your girl instead of enjoying the sex, and it becomes stressful and feels like a job to complete instead of sex.
*Ironically once you're at this point, you've probably abandoned condoms to get better sensation and now you're stressed about a potential accidental pregnancy (even using the pill), compounding the issue.
None of this helps the physical/physiological issues at all, believe me. It only makes the guy feel down right depressed though he may or may not share that with you depending on how close you are and how comfortable he is talking about it. It takes quite awhile to be comfortable talking about it even with someone close, at least it did for me. For many, this is the 'essence' of your masculinity, after all... and it's not working properly, think about that.
Needless to say, with all of this sexual reduction, I feel like I'm pumping with testosterone. The more that builds up though, the easier it seems to be to keep an erection and orgasm. It ***** growing up in the internet porn generation, it's definitely caused me a lot of frustration :( I hope some of this helps some other sap sucked into this practice out there, I've lost someone I really cared about because she couldn't take it anymore (and I can't blame her). Hopefully this works and hopefully it helps someone else!
I believe the majority of my specific problem is due to trained behaviors/habits, psychological problems (stresses), and is not due to ED. I had my long-term girlfriend check my penis while I was sleeping several times and she said I held an erections easy for 30+ minutes while sleeping. Holding an erection while you're asleep is supposedly one good way to determine if it's erectile dysfunction or not. If while you're asleep you have an erection and maintain it, then there are probably some other factors causing the problem.
Here are the lifestyle changes I'm adopting first instead of resorting to the pill. Some of these items may be useful to other people. I'm not saying it's easy (it *****, a lot) but in the long run I feel it will pay off. The other option (a frustrating sex life) is worse than everything below combined, trust me:
1. Porn. I'm reducing the amount of porn I watch and only watching videos that are realistic now. These videos are shot from angles that guys can actually see while having sex. I found a personal trend towards certain angles you can't really see while having sex in the porn I liked to watched. I believe cutting porn out entirely is probably a bad move though I now masturbate 2 or so times a week without porn. Linking a familiar visual stimulation, I think, should ultimately help during real sex. Also, I'm not watching the same videos over and over every time as 'go-to-videos.' I have a feeling I've trained myself to ejaculate to certain videos so mix it up!
2. Masturbation frequency. The porn reduction is primarily due to masturbation reduction. I was masturbating way too much (2-3 times a day). I've cut back to once 4-6 times a week now (hey, it's progress!) and intend to get down to 3-4 times a week. I will not cut out masturbation entirely since it is actually good for your prostate health and as a stress reducer.
3. Masturbation technique.
a) Speed. I was moving my hand way too fast in an almost jack-rabbit like motion. I don't care how much cardio you do, this motion is not possible to replicate in real life by thrusting, even with two people, especially not for an extended time. I'm now stroking much slower and trying to match a reasonable speed I can maintain thrusting motion with bursts and still achieve orgasm.
b) Grip. I was holding me penis too tightly and in a fashion that was difficult for someone else to replicate with a hand, nor less a vagina. I am now using a much looser hold that feels similar to a vagina. I don't always achieve orgasm but this is slowly changing with continued practice. I also purchased a masturbation sleeve (rubber tube) to use as well which to me, feels like the real thing once you add lube. I occasionally hold it stationary and thrust with my body instead of using my hands. This forces me to find the appropriate speed and the relevant sensation for that speed. It's difficult but I can now orgasm this way within 20 minutes (instead of the 100+ minutes it initially took).
c) Friction. Lube, lube, lots and lots of lube. Before I used to use a little spit or sometimes even do it dry. Terrible terrible idea, I can't say this enough. This can desensitize your penis over time and you won't even realize it (it doesn't hurt at all). I do not allow myself to ever masturbate without lube anymore. The wet feeling is also much more realistic than spit.
d) Timing. I do not masturbate to morning wood anymore. Orgasm is far too easy and is around the peak of your testosterone cycle. I have moved my times to mid-late days when it's more likely I'll have sex. I figure in the future, if a nice morning after follows, it shouldn't be a problem ;)
e) Focus. I'm moving the focus away from orgasm to pleasure and putting less focus on the head and more to the entire penis. I had only been stroking mainly the head but now I'm including the entire penis shaft, sometimes even avoiding the head all together. I figure less contact will make it even more sensitive over time, allowing the tissue to soften up some.
f) Condoms. I've been occasionally using condoms when I masturbate with my hand or the sleeve. It might seem stupid (and yes, somewhat expensive) since it's not the intended purpose but I'd been having sex with my gf without condoms due to the pill plus my erection problem (removing condoms from the picture helped a lot, but didn't do it all). Condoms reduce the sensation and force me to focus on other aspects going on, helping me increase my ability to orgasm. At first, it took over an hour to ejaculate with a condom, now I can do it in around 25 minutes without falling into my old habits.
3. Exercise. I've been exercising more for multiple reasons, but to increase my overall stamina and blood flood for sex/erection, I've been jogging/running and I've been able to move from ~1 mile to 4-5 miles in 30-40 minutes 3-4 times a week. I've found that the more cardio I can endure, the longer I can last when thrusting my masturbation sleeve and the stronger my erection is (though other stuff is also contributing I'm sure).
4. Boxers. I got in a habit of sleeping naked. It turns out my sheets are slightly rougher than my boxers. Also, moving around in the bed gives me frequent unneeded stimulation every night whereas in boxers, additional sensation due to motion is reduced. I'm also buying more silky/smooth boxers to help speed the process up for the time being. I intend on slowly moving back to smooth cotton once the issue is manageable.
5. Creams. I have been using a light dermatological recommended moisturizing cream designed for other sensitive skin areas and I recently started applying some to my penis, especially the head. The cream is designed to keep sensitive skin from drying and also soften the skin, increasing sensitivity over time. I actually was prescribed this for a different reason but I count making me aware of this cream as fate. It seems to be helping.
There are other factors that are more difficult to control and adapt to which are psychological.
*When having sex, I worry about performance due to past failures and as others have said, this snowballs.
*You also worry making your girl feel self-conscience thinking it's their appearance (when it's probably not!).
*Other problems are focusing on achieving orgasm for your girl instead of enjoying the sex, and it becomes stressful and feels like a job to complete instead of sex.
*Ironically once you're at this point, you've probably abandoned condoms to get better sensation and now you're stressed about a potential accidental pregnancy (even using the pill), compounding the issue.
None of this helps the physical/physiological issues at all, believe me. It only makes the guy feel down right depressed though he may or may not share that with you depending on how close you are and how comfortable he is talking about it. It takes quite awhile to be comfortable talking about it even with someone close, at least it did for me. For many, this is the 'essence' of your masculinity, after all... and it's not working properly, think about that.
Needless to say, with all of this sexual reduction, I feel like I'm pumping with testosterone. The more that builds up though, the easier it seems to be to keep an erection and orgasm. It ***** growing up in the internet porn generation, it's definitely caused me a lot of frustration :( I hope some of this helps some other sap sucked into this practice out there, I've lost someone I really cared about because she couldn't take it anymore (and I can't blame her). Hopefully this works and hopefully it helps someone else!
I am 20 year old male and I recently had the same problem. I could get the erection no problem but maintaining it was another story. The problem, which is possibly the same for you, is that once I'm in sign after the initial penetration I couldn't feel anything. After reading a few post throughout my search I discover a remedy that worked like a charm for me. It was my masturbation technique. Instead of the "stationary stroke" where I just grip my penis and tug until I got off, I deferred to a stroke that more simulated the act of sex. Instead of just gripping my penis (which no vagina is tight enough to match) I actually stroked/rubbed my penis. The problem with the stationary stroke is that after so long you desensitize your penis. because of the amount of pressure you place on that one spot. If you actually stroke up and down your penis from the bottom from the tip you'll be able more simulate a woman's vagina. At first difficult to actually get an erection like this let alone ejaculate but once that becomes your habitual style of masturbation you'll be able to get off like normal and the feel of a woman will be times better than what it had been in the past
Hello - it helped to read your comment. I am going through the same thing with my bf now. Our chemistry is amazing - when we're together you can feel the love and caring we have for one another. We are both divorced: both of our ex spouses cheated on us and it has been a journey to pull ourselves out of something so hurtful. While my bf and I both enjoy sex, he cannot maintain his erection when we're intimate. I try to reassure him but my confidence has taken a bit of a hit. I have never had this problem with a man before but I absolutely love and adore him. I'm sure whatever he's going through (psycholigical) is manifesting itself sexually - but reading what you wrote about loving your gf despite the issue is encouraging. It would be a shame to lose what my bf and I have over something like this. Thanks!
Thanks, I'm suffering the same problem with my boyfriend of 11 months. We have tried talking throught it and that has helped a little. It may be due to the fact he watches porn alot but we will try the 4 week plan and see what happens, thanks for the help. :)
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